Anybody with Borderline Personality Disorder, or a shrink...
Discussion
Hi, I'm sat here typing this with a divorce, lost home, kids not wanting to see me and general distain from anyone I once counted as friends.
I am currently being assessed by a psychiatrist but twenty minutes just doesn't seem enough to unload my thoughts and find anything out. I'd greatly appreciate it if people with experiences of this could read over a summary of my thoughts as I am beginning to lean towards BPD in my opinion. I'll try and keep it short...ish.
Well childhood, looking back, parents always fighting, vicious arguments and screaming are my main childhood memories. I could never approach my parents as I was always in a constant state of fear of banging doors, random periods of not being spoken to then being shouted at. The first hug I remember came from my wife to be at the age of 19. There are no good memories at all, just a memory of nervous fear. Added to this I was the sexually abused between 11 and 13 by a family member, naturally I could tell nobody for fear of the firestorm that would follow. They are very manipulative parents that hounded me until the day I left home and even after that. I still get that cold butterfly in my stomach every time I see either parent. Around the age of 14 I distinctly remember realising the world has no purpose, there is no point, a sense of futility. My Headmistress had mooted the possibility of higher education at Oxford and the like. A possibility yes, had I then bothered to turn up to any of the exams. My futility of life outlook was in full swing.
Adulthood, I found my friend alcohol at 17, we've been together a long time now. The right amount and I love everybody and I love life, all is well with the world. I only do sober or drunk, there is no middle ground. Catch me sober and it's a different person. My overriding outlook is empty futile existence, every action or thing is ultimately a waste of effort. Speaking to people, keeping friends, taking time away, having 'fun' is all absolutely irrelevant. My mind constantly analyses things, people (their motivations), designs of objects and how they are made, how they function.
I have come to despise people because of their stupidity, how can they be happy, don't they realise that it is all futile, how stupid can they be? In more stressful times I explode, a rage that has seen smashed windows and hurt people. My ex says it isn't me at that point as my face changes, eyes glaze over and rage follows. You can then find me sobbing in a corner as I realise the damage that I have just done without knowing why. The only thing that drives me is sex, an absolute addiction to it, from infidelity to all night attempting to encourage my wife (as was). Post divorce it has seen me with 3 seperate people in one day, 40 people in the space of a year, all unprotected where I could and strangely with both sexes, something that in the cold light of day I struggle to comprehend, that's just not my thing. I have begun to think I'm not addicted to the sex, I am addicted to those few moments I actually feel something good in my mind. Apart from these intense moments I normally just don't 'feel' anything. I've looked into my childs eyes and just seen an object that demands food and attention, one of many that are everywhere. I have had relatives die and not felt a thing, it's just the eventuality of life, the result of being alive. What a curse that is. My memory as such is awful, my eldest child is eight now, I cant remember much of those eight years. I remember the birth and I remember how much he doesn't want to visit me any more. God I feel guilty, it comes in waves.
I have always known I don't quite fit in, don't view the world in the same way as the rest. Well I'm sat here now, no family, no love and I feel the clock is ticking. I keep coming back to that ultimate logical conclusion to solve the twenty year old problem. Thanks for taking the time to read these ramblings, I would value any thoughts on it.
I am currently being assessed by a psychiatrist but twenty minutes just doesn't seem enough to unload my thoughts and find anything out. I'd greatly appreciate it if people with experiences of this could read over a summary of my thoughts as I am beginning to lean towards BPD in my opinion. I'll try and keep it short...ish.
Well childhood, looking back, parents always fighting, vicious arguments and screaming are my main childhood memories. I could never approach my parents as I was always in a constant state of fear of banging doors, random periods of not being spoken to then being shouted at. The first hug I remember came from my wife to be at the age of 19. There are no good memories at all, just a memory of nervous fear. Added to this I was the sexually abused between 11 and 13 by a family member, naturally I could tell nobody for fear of the firestorm that would follow. They are very manipulative parents that hounded me until the day I left home and even after that. I still get that cold butterfly in my stomach every time I see either parent. Around the age of 14 I distinctly remember realising the world has no purpose, there is no point, a sense of futility. My Headmistress had mooted the possibility of higher education at Oxford and the like. A possibility yes, had I then bothered to turn up to any of the exams. My futility of life outlook was in full swing.
Adulthood, I found my friend alcohol at 17, we've been together a long time now. The right amount and I love everybody and I love life, all is well with the world. I only do sober or drunk, there is no middle ground. Catch me sober and it's a different person. My overriding outlook is empty futile existence, every action or thing is ultimately a waste of effort. Speaking to people, keeping friends, taking time away, having 'fun' is all absolutely irrelevant. My mind constantly analyses things, people (their motivations), designs of objects and how they are made, how they function.
I have come to despise people because of their stupidity, how can they be happy, don't they realise that it is all futile, how stupid can they be? In more stressful times I explode, a rage that has seen smashed windows and hurt people. My ex says it isn't me at that point as my face changes, eyes glaze over and rage follows. You can then find me sobbing in a corner as I realise the damage that I have just done without knowing why. The only thing that drives me is sex, an absolute addiction to it, from infidelity to all night attempting to encourage my wife (as was). Post divorce it has seen me with 3 seperate people in one day, 40 people in the space of a year, all unprotected where I could and strangely with both sexes, something that in the cold light of day I struggle to comprehend, that's just not my thing. I have begun to think I'm not addicted to the sex, I am addicted to those few moments I actually feel something good in my mind. Apart from these intense moments I normally just don't 'feel' anything. I've looked into my childs eyes and just seen an object that demands food and attention, one of many that are everywhere. I have had relatives die and not felt a thing, it's just the eventuality of life, the result of being alive. What a curse that is. My memory as such is awful, my eldest child is eight now, I cant remember much of those eight years. I remember the birth and I remember how much he doesn't want to visit me any more. God I feel guilty, it comes in waves.
I have always known I don't quite fit in, don't view the world in the same way as the rest. Well I'm sat here now, no family, no love and I feel the clock is ticking. I keep coming back to that ultimate logical conclusion to solve the twenty year old problem. Thanks for taking the time to read these ramblings, I would value any thoughts on it.
That's a story I've heard before, and have partially experienced. It can be helped.
You've self-diagnosed BPD and I don't think you're far wrong. A potted quote about this condition is, "I hate you, don't leave me." Many of the things you describe such as low affect (e.g. a negative view of self over time and across situations), feeling emotionally numb, spells of rage and poor relationships are almost a textbook fit. I suspect there's also some depression at work. This is almost certainly reactive depression - an explicable response to your situation.
My BPD presented as crippling anxiety and agoraphobia. For 26 years, I couldn't function without a trusted companion (usually Mum)and at one stage, I couldn't make it out of the front door at all. I also had the depression, and the few relationships I had were undermined by my mood changes and limitations. I also had an intolerant parent.
Though awaiting divorce No.2, I can now drive myself 200 miles without a problem; the reason I didn't fall into the welcoming but treacherous arms of the bottle was my thinking more of my driving licence.
I went though the usual NHS mill: Clinical Psychologist, Psychiatrist, Occupational Therapist and Cognitve Behavoural Therapist. I even worked on the 'heal thyself' principle. Having an Open University Masters Degree in Psychology has done me no harm but it didn't do me much good, personally speaking.
What helped me turn the corner was a new-ish practice called Schema Mode Therapy, an offshoot of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). I won't go into detail here. Suffice it to say, I've coped with having four serious operations (spinal) operations, and contracting Multiple Sclerosis. Once upon a time, I wouldn't go near a GP or hospital.
To some extent, I followed the 'medical model', in using antidepressants and anti-anxiety drugs. This was not the usual psychiatrist's approach though. A psychologist can't prescribe but a GP can.
I suggest a bit of intelligent using of Google. And feel free to ask if you want to know more.
All the best.
You've self-diagnosed BPD and I don't think you're far wrong. A potted quote about this condition is, "I hate you, don't leave me." Many of the things you describe such as low affect (e.g. a negative view of self over time and across situations), feeling emotionally numb, spells of rage and poor relationships are almost a textbook fit. I suspect there's also some depression at work. This is almost certainly reactive depression - an explicable response to your situation.
My BPD presented as crippling anxiety and agoraphobia. For 26 years, I couldn't function without a trusted companion (usually Mum)and at one stage, I couldn't make it out of the front door at all. I also had the depression, and the few relationships I had were undermined by my mood changes and limitations. I also had an intolerant parent.
Though awaiting divorce No.2, I can now drive myself 200 miles without a problem; the reason I didn't fall into the welcoming but treacherous arms of the bottle was my thinking more of my driving licence.
I went though the usual NHS mill: Clinical Psychologist, Psychiatrist, Occupational Therapist and Cognitve Behavoural Therapist. I even worked on the 'heal thyself' principle. Having an Open University Masters Degree in Psychology has done me no harm but it didn't do me much good, personally speaking.
What helped me turn the corner was a new-ish practice called Schema Mode Therapy, an offshoot of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). I won't go into detail here. Suffice it to say, I've coped with having four serious operations (spinal) operations, and contracting Multiple Sclerosis. Once upon a time, I wouldn't go near a GP or hospital.
To some extent, I followed the 'medical model', in using antidepressants and anti-anxiety drugs. This was not the usual psychiatrist's approach though. A psychologist can't prescribe but a GP can.
I suggest a bit of intelligent using of Google. And feel free to ask if you want to know more.
All the best.
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