My marriage is exhausting
Discussion
Regular poster under a new account.
I've been married more than a decade and have kids. My OH has always been a sensitive sort and this ramped up after kids arrived. The biggest problems for me have been procrastinaation, inaction and silent treatment. However for many years they were only home a couple of days a week so it wasn't such a problem.
Over the years the relationship has evolved that I deal with most things - bills, plans, housework, food, childcare, holidays, nights out etc., as otherwise things just don't get done and this has hurt us financially at times. This wasn't such an issue when I was the only one at home, and the OH even got away with it when home due to insisting they needed to rest due to their high intensity job, especially before kids. We now both work full time and both are at home most nights and I find I now have more to do than when I was on my own. All the extra cleaning, cooking etc is down to me, it seems. I can't afford a cleaner. I am utterly exhausted and my OH seems to feel very victimised by idea that I expect them to pitch in/look after themselves. I have seen some movement in this in the last year, with the OH picking up more chores (e.g. ironing their own clothes) but at the expense of other aspects of the relationship e.g. they're shouting and sulking far more than ever before.
I don't believe in having affairs and still love my OH, how the hell do I get through this? Am I mad to even try to hang in there?
I've been married more than a decade and have kids. My OH has always been a sensitive sort and this ramped up after kids arrived. The biggest problems for me have been procrastinaation, inaction and silent treatment. However for many years they were only home a couple of days a week so it wasn't such a problem.
Over the years the relationship has evolved that I deal with most things - bills, plans, housework, food, childcare, holidays, nights out etc., as otherwise things just don't get done and this has hurt us financially at times. This wasn't such an issue when I was the only one at home, and the OH even got away with it when home due to insisting they needed to rest due to their high intensity job, especially before kids. We now both work full time and both are at home most nights and I find I now have more to do than when I was on my own. All the extra cleaning, cooking etc is down to me, it seems. I can't afford a cleaner. I am utterly exhausted and my OH seems to feel very victimised by idea that I expect them to pitch in/look after themselves. I have seen some movement in this in the last year, with the OH picking up more chores (e.g. ironing their own clothes) but at the expense of other aspects of the relationship e.g. they're shouting and sulking far more than ever before.
I don't believe in having affairs and still love my OH, how the hell do I get through this? Am I mad to even try to hang in there?
Off topic a little, but it doesn't sound very loving to refer to your other half as "their" rather then "her" or "my wife"
Sounds like you have both drifted apart (an affair wont fix this). Might be time to start working out all the things your like/love about your wife, all the things that are a blessing having her in your life and look into the positives. Then have a sit down and start seeing if you make some little changes to your relationship, (they are fixed over night). If none of this works and honest chat about were your marriage is going and weather you both agree counseling is need.
If she point blank refuse to talk/listen, then you only really have two choices.
Good luck.
Sounds like you have both drifted apart (an affair wont fix this). Might be time to start working out all the things your like/love about your wife, all the things that are a blessing having her in your life and look into the positives. Then have a sit down and start seeing if you make some little changes to your relationship, (they are fixed over night). If none of this works and honest chat about were your marriage is going and weather you both agree counseling is need.
If she point blank refuse to talk/listen, then you only really have two choices.
Good luck.
I am in the same boat, bit stuck though, she cant work due to some memory and other mental health issues and I cant just abandon and leave her on her own since I am the only one that earns any money now. She isnt able to drive anymore due to her condition, i pretty much do most of the chores since she is likely to injure herself or just mess it up or break something. She has been going for assessments etc but there is no treatment. Needless to say the zing is gone for me and feeling stuck makes me want to wander, even just for someone to chat to and for a little excitement. Work is stressful enough without having to dread coming home too.
Not sure what to do, just live with it I guess
Not sure what to do, just live with it I guess
seadragon said:
I am in the same boat, bit stuck though, she cant work due to some memory and other mental health issues and I cant just abandon and leave her on her own since I am the only one that earns any money now. She isnt able to drive anymore due to her condition, i pretty much do most of the chores since she is likely to injure herself or just mess it up or break something. She has been going for assessments etc but there is no treatment. Needless to say the zing is gone for me and feeling stuck makes me want to wander, even just for someone to chat to and for a little excitement. Work is stressful enough without having to dread coming home too.
Not sure what to do, just live with it I guess
You have my sympathy. I do not know what I what would do in your shoes. I like to think I would do the decent thing and respect the wedding vows re. sickness and health.Not sure what to do, just live with it I guess
How does he respond to being told/forced to do stuff? Relationship advice here rarely moves beyond the MTFU/'Grow a pair', but maybe that's what he should do and you should try and force?
Marriage and parenthood is hard work, and you both need to share the heavy-lifting. If he won't, you might need to consider if he's the right chap to have in your life...
Marriage and parenthood is hard work, and you both need to share the heavy-lifting. If he won't, you might need to consider if he's the right chap to have in your life...
bigdogfan said:
I am utterly exhausted and my OH seems to feel very victimised by idea that I expect them to pitch in/look after themselves.
What does he actually say when you raise the issue? And have you actually sat down and talked about it seriously or has it just been the odd comment here and there?He's probably acting like this because:
1 - it's a habit;
2 - he doesn't know what the effects are on you and;
3 - he doesn't think there will be any consequences to his behaviour.
You can't do much about 1, not immediately, but you can about 2 and 3 however it obviously requires a lot of communication.
seadragon said:
I am in the same boat, bit stuck though, she cant work due to some memory and other mental health issues and I cant just abandon and leave her on her own since I am the only one that earns any money now. She isnt able to drive anymore due to her condition, i pretty much do most of the chores since she is likely to injure herself or just mess it up or break something. She has been going for assessments etc but there is no treatment. Needless to say the zing is gone for me and feeling stuck makes me want to wander, even just for someone to chat to and for a little excitement. Work is stressful enough without having to dread coming home too.
Not sure what to do, just live with it I guess
Sounds like you're in an entirely different boat to me. A much leakier, sinking one. Not sure what to do, just live with it I guess
You seem to have a good case for somehow making sure your other half is looked after in terms of the practicalities of life but then also meeting your needs in the longer term.
Life is short n all that.
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