It's old but...
Discussion
d!" 
Allegedly Tommy Cooper material, certainly works well if you read it in his accent!
Tommy Cooper allegedly said:
Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of
them would have seen it.
Phone answering machine message ... If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key...
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, No, the steaks are
too high.
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!; The doctor replied, I know you
can't, I've cut your arms off.
I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and heat it too.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says: I'll give you some cream to put on it.
'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That's
the Tom Jones syndrome." ' Is it common? ' "It's not unusual".
A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?"; "Well" says the vet, let's have a
look at him; So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks
his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." What?
Because he's cross-eyed? "No, because he's really heavy."
Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up
my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start!"
Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster,
go for it."
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my
Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I
think it?s Colin.
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The
other one says "So are you, you fat git!"
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other
one off.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So
that was nice.
A man walked into the doctors, he said, I've hurt my arm in several
places; The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and
rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number
to climb as digging continues into the night.
The fat gag is one of Chubby Browns comic mainstays.
I went in this hotel the other day, I said to the fella, mind if I look around?
Chap says you look round to me fatty.
Oh and those alledgedly Tommy Cooper gags are Tim Vine's in the main...
>> Edited by Plotloss on Friday 14th January 11:41
I went in this hotel the other day, I said to the fella, mind if I look around?
Chap says you look round to me fatty.
Oh and those alledgedly Tommy Cooper gags are Tim Vine's in the main...
>> Edited by Plotloss on Friday 14th January 11:41
Tommy Cooper allegedly said:Two of my all-time favourite jokes there.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
A business man is walking through an airport terminal when a prostitute walks along side of him and says" I will do what ever you can imagine in you wildest dreams for $150.00" just need to wisper it in my ear.
So a couple of stides latter the business man leans over and whispers " Paint my house"!
Trooper2
So a couple of stides latter the business man leans over and whispers " Paint my house"!
Trooper2
Trooper2 said:
A business man is walking through an airport terminal when a prostitute walks along side of him and says" I will do what ever you can imagine in you wildest dreams for $150.00" just need to wisper it in my ear.
So a couple of stides latter the business man leans over and whispers " Paint my house"!
Trooper2
That's the politically correct version of what is a very old Jewish joke.
>> Edited by anonymous-user on Friday 14th January 14:03
Plotloss said:
The fat gag is one of Chubby Browns comic mainstays.
I went in this hotel the other day, I said to the fella, mind if I look around?
Chap says you look round to me fatty.
Oh and those alledgedly Tommy Cooper gags are Tim Vine's in the main...
>> Edited by Plotloss on Friday 14th January 11:41
I find tim vine ball bouncingly funny but most people I know seem to think he's a bit of a gimp? hey ho
minimax said:
I find tim vine ball bouncingly funny but most people I know seem to think he's a bit of a gimp? hey ho
The man is quite simply a genius and a very very very very nice chap indeed.
He recently set a world record for most jokes told in 1 hour. 512 I think, but could be way off the mark, it was loads though.
walked into my local pub the other night, there at the bar stood a guy dressed only in a pair of underpants, down the front of said underpants was stuffed a steering wheel. "why have you got a steering wheel stuffed down your pants" I asked. "I dont,t know" he replied "it's drivng me nuts".
Nickccc said:
walked into my local pub the other night, there at the bar stood a guy dressed only in a pair of underpants, down the front of said underpants was stuffed a steering wheel. "why have you got a steering wheel stuffed down your pants" I asked. "I dont,t know" he replied "it's drivng me nuts".
Oi, stop nicking my material!
vixpy1 said:
walked into my local pub the other night, there at the bar stood a guy dressed only in a pair of underpants, down the front of said underpants was stuffed a steering wheel. "why have you got a steering wheel stuffed down your pants" I asked. "I dont,t know" he replied "it's drivng me nuts".
Oi, stop nicking my material!
Don't be daft...who'd want your Y fronts....?
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