Elderly parent and "the care home conversation"?
Discussion
My dad has been in hospital for over a year now.
It's pretty clear that going home isn't an option now (even with carers going in four times a day as was the plan).
All those involved agree on this ... except my dad. He's convinced he can go home and my mother can look after him.
She's 88, fit enough but quite clear that she's not up to looking after the old fella.
We're working towards getting the whole immediate family together so we can figure out a strategy and, ultimately, have a conversation involving my dad where we agree on a way forward. This is ...
I wondered if others had been in this position before and how they figured it out.
The whole thing is really getting me down.
It's pretty clear that going home isn't an option now (even with carers going in four times a day as was the plan).
All those involved agree on this ... except my dad. He's convinced he can go home and my mother can look after him.
She's 88, fit enough but quite clear that she's not up to looking after the old fella.
We're working towards getting the whole immediate family together so we can figure out a strategy and, ultimately, have a conversation involving my dad where we agree on a way forward. This is ...
- Something I'm dreading.
- Quite possibly pie in the sky.
I wondered if others had been in this position before and how they figured it out.
The whole thing is really getting me down.
Sorry to hear your dilemma
I went through a similar situation 4 years ago with my Mother, she passed away 3 months ago in a care home.
The only way I could get my Mother to agree to go in to care was to tell her it was just temporary until I could sort out care at home
Good luck as I know how hard it is!
I went through a similar situation 4 years ago with my Mother, she passed away 3 months ago in a care home.
The only way I could get my Mother to agree to go in to care was to tell her it was just temporary until I could sort out care at home
Good luck as I know how hard it is!
First of all, don't dread having the conversation - This will get to the bottom of a question you've been looking for an answer for, for possibly the past year or so. There will be a lot of emotion - But this is family right?
You mention a plan - Where does this plan come from? Was it from the community care team or the hospital physio or even something you devised yourself? If this has been proposed by others, then ask for a re-assessment taking into account your Mother and her own limitations as well as your concerns.
Be careful of not pushing your Dad into a care home as the only solution, there are many ways of caring for him.
Good luck.
You mention a plan - Where does this plan come from? Was it from the community care team or the hospital physio or even something you devised yourself? If this has been proposed by others, then ask for a re-assessment taking into account your Mother and her own limitations as well as your concerns.
Be careful of not pushing your Dad into a care home as the only solution, there are many ways of caring for him.
Good luck.
You might want to talk to the social work, they might be able to help.
My Gran is 90% blind and almost death, she manages fine in the house herself.
She has a carer come in 3-4 times per day to do anything that needs done. Anything else is topped up by the disability living allowance, she uses this to get someone to do shopping, cleaning and odd chores.
The carer you need to keep on top of and review what they've done and review it every week (They write what they've done in a diary), if they start slacking or just making a cup of tea every visit then you need to crack the whip.
My Gran is 90% blind and almost death, she manages fine in the house herself.
She has a carer come in 3-4 times per day to do anything that needs done. Anything else is topped up by the disability living allowance, she uses this to get someone to do shopping, cleaning and odd chores.
The carer you need to keep on top of and review what they've done and review it every week (They write what they've done in a diary), if they start slacking or just making a cup of tea every visit then you need to crack the whip.
Edited by MethylatedSpirit on Friday 6th March 21:05
OP, I've just had a similar situation with my mother. She has been in decline mentally and physically for over two years, led to all sorts of problems in her house and with her, culminating with her having 5 falls just before Xmas and being admitted to an assessment home, from which she was taken to hospital where she stayed for around 5 weeks until her she was no longer physically ill.
Sadly it was not a good discharge from hospital. The plan was totally unsuitable and involved her been sent home with three short visits per day from carers. Needless to say she fell the first day, so we as a family agreed for her to go to a care home for convalescence. She is still there and it has become permanent.
I've had that conversation with her since, saying she was now safe, well looked after and thriving. I put it over factually and bigged up the benefits of being there compared to being looked after in her flat. She has accepted it, but keeps forgetting where she is and why she is there.
I appreciate there are some differences here but I do sympathize with your predicament.
Sadly it was not a good discharge from hospital. The plan was totally unsuitable and involved her been sent home with three short visits per day from carers. Needless to say she fell the first day, so we as a family agreed for her to go to a care home for convalescence. She is still there and it has become permanent.
I've had that conversation with her since, saying she was now safe, well looked after and thriving. I put it over factually and bigged up the benefits of being there compared to being looked after in her flat. She has accepted it, but keeps forgetting where she is and why she is there.
I appreciate there are some differences here but I do sympathize with your predicament.
MethylatedSpirit said:
You might want to talk to the social work, they might be able to help.
My Gran is 90% blind and almost death, she manages fine in the house herself.
She has a carer come in 3-4 times per day to do anything that needs done. Anything else is topped up by the disability living allowance, she uses this to get someone to do shopping, cleaning and odd chores.
The carer you need to keep on top of and review what they've done and review it every week (They write what they've done in a diary), if they start slacking or just making a cup of tea every visit then you need to crack the whip.
Harsh!, I know i shouldnt under the circumstances but My Gran is 90% blind and almost death, she manages fine in the house herself.
She has a carer come in 3-4 times per day to do anything that needs done. Anything else is topped up by the disability living allowance, she uses this to get someone to do shopping, cleaning and odd chores.
The carer you need to keep on top of and review what they've done and review it every week (They write what they've done in a diary), if they start slacking or just making a cup of tea every visit then you need to crack the whip.
Edited by MethylatedSpirit on Friday 6th March 21:05
Hi Namesake 
I am going through this at the moment with my father in law, not quite the same as your own parent of course. He is 94 and spent the last couple of years caring for his wife (who recently passed away). He was in rude health (still driving and riding his bike up until a couple of months ago) and they both lived together in their own house. At the end of January he fell on ice taking his bins out, and broke his wrist and now he is in a care home (“temporarily” for rehab).
In my case, the ‘Auld boy’ never realised his frailty (nor did anybody else because he never showed it) but his aim is to go home.
I can identify with this because I was ‘whisked away’ to the States without having the chance to settle my affairs in the UK properly.
Realistically he is better where he is (really nice place – with lots of independence) but it is not the FIL’s idea. Management Psychology is our current method, we need to ‘make it his idea’ before it will float.
All I can say is this, do your best to keep them together.
I am going through this at the moment with my father in law, not quite the same as your own parent of course. He is 94 and spent the last couple of years caring for his wife (who recently passed away). He was in rude health (still driving and riding his bike up until a couple of months ago) and they both lived together in their own house. At the end of January he fell on ice taking his bins out, and broke his wrist and now he is in a care home (“temporarily” for rehab).
In my case, the ‘Auld boy’ never realised his frailty (nor did anybody else because he never showed it) but his aim is to go home.
I can identify with this because I was ‘whisked away’ to the States without having the chance to settle my affairs in the UK properly.
Realistically he is better where he is (really nice place – with lots of independence) but it is not the FIL’s idea. Management Psychology is our current method, we need to ‘make it his idea’ before it will float.
All I can say is this, do your best to keep them together.
Lotus Notes said:
I'm not here to criticise, but I need to be truthful to my loved ones..
I'm sure the OP is feeling bad enough without you getting all sanctimonious.It's a tough one, particularly as you need to look after your mum too. If she is genuinely willing (rather than feeling obligated) then I'd do my utmost to get him home but you need to be realistic.
First thing I'll say is that it's really good to hear that your worried about this. Shows that you care. You'd be surprised how many families don't care.
There are various strategies, none very easy. Selling a care home placement as a temporary measure often works, especially if he has some memory impairment. Sometimes a brief time at home in unsafe circumstances can be done before the care placement starts, and that might show him that is definitely won't work, but only enter into such a strategy with an exit date already set.
There are various strategies, none very easy. Selling a care home placement as a temporary measure often works, especially if he has some memory impairment. Sometimes a brief time at home in unsafe circumstances can be done before the care placement starts, and that might show him that is definitely won't work, but only enter into such a strategy with an exit date already set.
For a number of years my aunt organised 24 hour care to come into my granddads house. She interviewed and engaged a team of carers, mainly women from the local church, and paid them the going rate. There was also a number of 6th form studenty types, who were studying social care type who were employed to help out too. My aunt did no care herself, but was able to trust all these people, so that she when she went around, she wasn't having to start getting him ready for bed, and could have a bit of quality time with him. She was able to fund this out of his ridiculous local government pension, which he barely touched, and I realise that most people won't have that luxury.
I have to say that I will struggle with my parents. I pleaded with them when they retired not to move to the back of beyond, purely so they would see more of thier grandchildren. If they need to be in a care home, it's going to have to be somewhere nearer than they are.
I have to say that I will struggle with my parents. I pleaded with them when they retired not to move to the back of beyond, purely so they would see more of thier grandchildren. If they need to be in a care home, it's going to have to be somewhere nearer than they are.
Glocko said:
I'm a senior social worker in a hospital discharge team Kiltie. I have this sort of situation everyday, if you'd like I would be happy to give you some pointers. Message me your number and I could give you a call tomorrow chap.
......... And I'm a senior Occupational Therapist, that's half the MDT accounted for 
Happy to help if it's any use chap
CTO said:
Glocko said:
I'm a senior social worker in a hospital discharge team Kiltie. I have this sort of situation everyday, if you'd like I would be happy to give you some pointers. Message me your number and I could give you a call tomorrow chap.
......... And I'm a senior Occupational Therapist, that's half the MDT accounted for Happy to help if it's any use chap
2/5ths at the maximum ...
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