I really need some advice, Eastenders style family break up.
Discussion
Evening folks
I'm desperately in need of some advice, and to vent really, could maybe do with some encouragement that I'm doing the right thing I suppose.
6 years ago I got divorced and left my 3 children behind with their mother after she had an affair. She since remarried and the guy she married has a conviction for beating his ex wife. Any way they've been married 4 years when in June out of the blue she tells me he's beat her up in front of my/our kids and smashed up her house and car. I ask if she is reporting to the police but she said no because he was just about to start a job abroad and she just wanted him gone, if she reported it to the police he would get a custodial sentence due to his previous and that meant he'd be around for longer. Rightly or wrongly I set aside my emotions and opinions and concentrated on making my weekends with the kids as special as possible.
2 weeks later my kids inform me that husband has gone abroad as planned and their mum has moved her new boyfriend in....things start to make sense as to why he smashed everything up and assault her, yep she was having an affair. Last week I took my kids on our annual holiday to the south of France. We visit my mother and whilst we are there the kids divulge to their gran that the new boyfriend of 6 weeks (by this point) is a mental health nurse and when they are naughty he puts them in holds, wrist locks and restraint holds etc, they said that the holds really hurt and one of the kids got dragged up the stairs in one of these holds, they said they're terrified of him and didn't want to tell me incase I went round and said something because then their mum would take it out on them for "telling tales"
Eventually I managed to get the kids to tell me all about it but only after I promised not to mention it to their mum. Which I did on the condition they tell me anything and everything he does that upsets them, which they promised. They then went on to tell me that their mum skypes her husband as soon as her boyfriend goes to work, and here's the best bit she does it semi naked in lingerie. I was bloody flabbergasted and my patience running thin with the woman and her lack of morals.
On top of all this, My eldest daughter was supposed to be coming to live with me, my partner of 4 years and I had sorted a school place and worked hard to make it seamless, it's been her wish for 6 years and eventually her mum allowed it, right up until the day before the move when shock horror her mum changed her mind, her reason being that she can't afford to maintain her current lifestyle If the state benefits she receives for eldest child were stopped (she's never ever worked a day in her life)
My daughter is heartbroken and inconsolable, I've taken the decision to go to court and apply for a residency order, she is 12.5 years old. I inform ex wife of this and she says fine see you in court you don't stand a chance. To top it off new boyfriend is telling my daughter that she will have to stand in court and the judge will shout at her and she won't be able to do it, saying she will just look stupid. So now she's terrified.
Anyway last night I text my daughter and ask how things are with the boyfriend, her mum read the message and went apoplectic, she has twigged that kids have told me about his behaviour and she has decided to remove all methods of them contacting me. She has told me that I am now only allowed to speak to the kids on her phone on speakerphone so that she can supervise what the kids are telling me.
Now if that doesn't show an admission of guilt I don't know what does!? Surely? My concern is that when husband comes home on leave from his job and finds that another man has moved in and he's been strung along then it's all going to go very bad. I'm worried my kids will witness more violence or worse be part of it.
I've filed all the papers and put absolutely everything in them, sending them to court tomorrow, my concern is she keeps telling me I don't have a chance because she has this new amazing and clued up boyfriend helping her.........so when he reads what I've put in the court papers about her skyping her husband naked he ain't gonna be best pleased is he!?
From experience does anyone know if I have a leg to stand on here with regards to a 12 year old telling the courts that she wants to live with her dad? I've now lost all contact and means of contact with all of them and I'm worried, should I take this further? Social services etc? I just don't know, I feel desperate and heartbroken with how my children are being exposed to such a horrible woman and her lack of morals.
Any words gratefully received, many thanks.
I'm desperately in need of some advice, and to vent really, could maybe do with some encouragement that I'm doing the right thing I suppose.
6 years ago I got divorced and left my 3 children behind with their mother after she had an affair. She since remarried and the guy she married has a conviction for beating his ex wife. Any way they've been married 4 years when in June out of the blue she tells me he's beat her up in front of my/our kids and smashed up her house and car. I ask if she is reporting to the police but she said no because he was just about to start a job abroad and she just wanted him gone, if she reported it to the police he would get a custodial sentence due to his previous and that meant he'd be around for longer. Rightly or wrongly I set aside my emotions and opinions and concentrated on making my weekends with the kids as special as possible.
2 weeks later my kids inform me that husband has gone abroad as planned and their mum has moved her new boyfriend in....things start to make sense as to why he smashed everything up and assault her, yep she was having an affair. Last week I took my kids on our annual holiday to the south of France. We visit my mother and whilst we are there the kids divulge to their gran that the new boyfriend of 6 weeks (by this point) is a mental health nurse and when they are naughty he puts them in holds, wrist locks and restraint holds etc, they said that the holds really hurt and one of the kids got dragged up the stairs in one of these holds, they said they're terrified of him and didn't want to tell me incase I went round and said something because then their mum would take it out on them for "telling tales"
Eventually I managed to get the kids to tell me all about it but only after I promised not to mention it to their mum. Which I did on the condition they tell me anything and everything he does that upsets them, which they promised. They then went on to tell me that their mum skypes her husband as soon as her boyfriend goes to work, and here's the best bit she does it semi naked in lingerie. I was bloody flabbergasted and my patience running thin with the woman and her lack of morals.
On top of all this, My eldest daughter was supposed to be coming to live with me, my partner of 4 years and I had sorted a school place and worked hard to make it seamless, it's been her wish for 6 years and eventually her mum allowed it, right up until the day before the move when shock horror her mum changed her mind, her reason being that she can't afford to maintain her current lifestyle If the state benefits she receives for eldest child were stopped (she's never ever worked a day in her life)
My daughter is heartbroken and inconsolable, I've taken the decision to go to court and apply for a residency order, she is 12.5 years old. I inform ex wife of this and she says fine see you in court you don't stand a chance. To top it off new boyfriend is telling my daughter that she will have to stand in court and the judge will shout at her and she won't be able to do it, saying she will just look stupid. So now she's terrified.
Anyway last night I text my daughter and ask how things are with the boyfriend, her mum read the message and went apoplectic, she has twigged that kids have told me about his behaviour and she has decided to remove all methods of them contacting me. She has told me that I am now only allowed to speak to the kids on her phone on speakerphone so that she can supervise what the kids are telling me.
Now if that doesn't show an admission of guilt I don't know what does!? Surely? My concern is that when husband comes home on leave from his job and finds that another man has moved in and he's been strung along then it's all going to go very bad. I'm worried my kids will witness more violence or worse be part of it.
I've filed all the papers and put absolutely everything in them, sending them to court tomorrow, my concern is she keeps telling me I don't have a chance because she has this new amazing and clued up boyfriend helping her.........so when he reads what I've put in the court papers about her skyping her husband naked he ain't gonna be best pleased is he!?
From experience does anyone know if I have a leg to stand on here with regards to a 12 year old telling the courts that she wants to live with her dad? I've now lost all contact and means of contact with all of them and I'm worried, should I take this further? Social services etc? I just don't know, I feel desperate and heartbroken with how my children are being exposed to such a horrible woman and her lack of morals.
Any words gratefully received, many thanks.
I cannot offer any advice I am afraid, but i wish you all the best in getting a positive result for you and your daughter and other children. I would not like to be in your position. Your ex sounds like a nasty piece of work and doesn't seem to make good life decisions. That may hopefully bode well in your favour.
Wow, that all sounds pretty terrible, I'm not sure what sort of advice to offer.
I, personally, wouldn't have mentioned her skype carry ons in any court documents though - who told you? The kids, well, they probably won't believe them, if you can even get the kids to tell anybody else, which, since they seem frightened, they probably wont.
So it just makes you look vindictive, as if you're trying to drive a wedge between her and her boyfriend, which of course, you are.
I, personally, wouldn't have mentioned her skype carry ons in any court documents though - who told you? The kids, well, they probably won't believe them, if you can even get the kids to tell anybody else, which, since they seem frightened, they probably wont.
So it just makes you look vindictive, as if you're trying to drive a wedge between her and her boyfriend, which of course, you are.
I've absolutely no experience of this kind of thing so feel free to ignore the following advice.
Tell the court everything in the same way as your OP, it paints a clear picture and shows your concerns - the ex is going to do/say whatever she wants anyway so making sure everything you've been told by the kids goes in from of the court is important.
Tell the court everything in the same way as your OP, it paints a clear picture and shows your concerns - the ex is going to do/say whatever she wants anyway so making sure everything you've been told by the kids goes in from of the court is important.
The sensible side of me would be reporting the assaults on your kids to the police, unfortunately if my kids had been hurt in that manner by another adult my temper would very much get the better of me and I would kick the s
t out of them. The problem with this country is you would then be in trouble for doing so when I personally think you should get a medal.
Good luck in your situation and I hope it goes the right way for you and the kids.
t out of them. The problem with this country is you would then be in trouble for doing so when I personally think you should get a medal.Good luck in your situation and I hope it goes the right way for you and the kids.
hackett said:
But they haven't technically been assaulted, and I promised them I wouldn't say anything, if I betray their trust instantly they'll never open up to me
From the information above, yes, they have been assaulted.Report it. It won't be easy on several counts but there are no easy options on the table.
hackett said:
To top it off new boyfriend is telling my daughter that she will have to stand in court and the judge will shout at her and she won't be able to do it, saying she will just look stupid. So now she's terrified.
This is utter ste. Children do not have to "stand up in court" they are generally handled with great sensitivity these days. If they give a statement it will be with some sort of family support / social worker present in a small hearing with maybe the judge or solicitor.The older the child is the more likely they are to listen to the wishes of the child, though I have no idea of what decisions they can take at what age.
I have a step son and when my wife (his mother) and I were going abroad to work, he was 13. His biological father tried to stop us, dragged it through the courts, but ultimately had to accept what our and the lads wishes were. Later when he was 15, he/we went back to court to make some sort of statement saying he wanted his biological father to stop dictating his life, turning up and demanding a visit when it suited him at short notice etc. The catalyst for this was that my son (for the step bit is irrelevant) wanted to go on a school trip with his mates while bio dad turned up ranting that his rights came first. Bio dad actually "went legal", a regular threat of his, and got slapped down.
You need to find a family law firm and have a chat with a solicitor for 30 mins in the first instance. The main thing is to stop new boyfriend from feeding your daughter lies and scaring her. I am no expert, but your wife seems to be providing lots of evidence for not being a fit and proper mother, write it all down, dates, times, keep notes and anything that could be evidence. I am also pretty sure she HAS to allow your children open and free phone calls with you without being monitored.
Good luck chap.
A family court judge will certainly take your daughter's opinion into account - she may still be a little young for her to be able to decide on her own but I think the other stuff may well swing it.
As for the assault, I'd hold off on that until you get to speak to the kid again in private. Explain to her exactly how bad it is for the boyfriend to be doing that, and how bad it is to keep a secret about it, and I expect she'll come round.
As for the assault, I'd hold off on that until you get to speak to the kid again in private. Explain to her exactly how bad it is for the boyfriend to be doing that, and how bad it is to keep a secret about it, and I expect she'll come round.
Thanks for all the replies. In response to the desire to want to stab the bloke, I completely do have all these feelings that you'd expect, but luckily they live 100 miles away, as such by the time I've got there I've calmed down, if they lived close by however I expect I'd have flipped by now.
With shaolin I've been led to believe that 12 is "the" age that their views carry more weight than other things.
I'm going to have to put my faith in the family court system, I hope they see the truth, I hope my ex doesn't manage to brainwash the kids but as I've always maintained my weekend visits I'm very close to all of them and I think she'd struggle to ever sew a bad seed in their heads about me.
We shall see. Thanks again
With shaolin I've been led to believe that 12 is "the" age that their views carry more weight than other things.
I'm going to have to put my faith in the family court system, I hope they see the truth, I hope my ex doesn't manage to brainwash the kids but as I've always maintained my weekend visits I'm very close to all of them and I think she'd struggle to ever sew a bad seed in their heads about me.
We shall see. Thanks again
I would look very seriously at involving the Police. It is assault, pure and simple and assaulting children just isn't on.
Quite apart from anything else, IIRC given that he is a healthcare provision role, the police will as a matter of course, inform his employer of any OATP complaint made against him, which may cause him to wind his neck in a bit
Quite apart from anything else, IIRC given that he is a healthcare provision role, the police will as a matter of course, inform his employer of any OATP complaint made against him, which may cause him to wind his neck in a bit
Am I right in saying that somebody has physically assaulted your children and you've not done anything immediate about it?
I'd be on to the police or social services straight away. Yes, it will make things with your wife harder in the short term, but I wouldn't expose my children to such a person for a second longer than necessary.
I'd be on to the police or social services straight away. Yes, it will make things with your wife harder in the short term, but I wouldn't expose my children to such a person for a second longer than necessary.
OP- you might want to make your profile a little more anonymous for now? Drop the photo, you can change user name as well.
Or you can (with permission from moderators) create a second profile for the advice and request this one deleted. (they are accommodating if asked nicely)
I can't help with legal advice, but if you are ever in Yorkshire then the beer and food is on me if you want a banter about cars, life the universe and everything.
Or you can (with permission from moderators) create a second profile for the advice and request this one deleted. (they are accommodating if asked nicely)
I can't help with legal advice, but if you are ever in Yorkshire then the beer and food is on me if you want a banter about cars, life the universe and everything.
Thanks Vaud. I've not logged in for over 2 years so had forgotten about that, will duly sort the profile out.
As for why haven't I reported it, because I have regular contact with my kids and as such I want to be the one person in their life they can tell anything, like I said in my OP, it's all up to the courts now I suppose and they will make their recommendations I expect.
As for why haven't I reported it, because I have regular contact with my kids and as such I want to be the one person in their life they can tell anything, like I said in my OP, it's all up to the courts now I suppose and they will make their recommendations I expect.
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