Kids - no fear of a good hiding any more

[Skyedriver]

So how do you control a child who is rebellious, shouts, screams, goes red in the face at the parent(s), refuses to wear a new, clean school T shirt and demands to wear an old, too small, dirty one, to the point where he throws the new one on the floor, drags the old one out of the washing basket, puts it on then zips his coat up so (he thinks) you won't notice?
-for T shirt, you can substitute trainers, shoes, trousers etc
the child is approaching the age of 10.
In my day you wouldn't dream of rebelling over something so trivial, for fear of a good hiding from Dad, and at school the cane or strap from teacher or the head.

[C.A.R.]

Restriction of their favourite things / pastimes.

Our nephews are little bar-stewards because they're so used to getting hollow threats - "You won't be going on the Playstation for a week" - etc. They're naughty for us unless we have them for a long period of time, because they learn that we're not messing about like their parents do.

There's a lot to be said for that super nanny program, if you've ever seen it. Lots of techniques in that show that are easy to adopt - I don't think I'm an amazing parent by any means - but it's surprising how quickly they will respond. Years of having parents that are a pushover doesn't help one bit though, always follow through with a threat even if its' trivial.

[Bullett]

This morning my 4yo wouldn't clean her teeth.
She then kicked me when I made her.
So I took away her 2nd favourite soft toy. Which obviously made her even more like an angry little whirlwind and she shouted at me all the way to school. Which I ignored.
She was fine when she got to school, it's all an act.

It's not fun but I won't be dictated to by a 4yo.

If she's good tomorrow she will get her toy back.

Then she will get a sticker as a positive reinforcement if she cleans her teeth the day after.

Parenting isn't easy.

I don't shout at them and I don't hit them. They are generally pretty well behaved.

[Vaud]

Ensure there are no hollow threats.

See so many parents threatening the removal of something and then not following through on the threat, or the child getting it back within 2 mins.

Action / consequence.
Consistency between parents.
etc

Supernanny is a bit hammed up, but there are some useful tricks.

Reverse psychology can work but you need to be really careful.

[2ono]

I just get a bigger stick out of the beating stick cupboard!

[grumpy52]

Most these days seem to hide behind the ADHD Bipolar etc bandwagon .

[Blib]

Consistency, boundaries and consequences.

The consequence of bad behaviour is removal of a privilege. One that means a lot to the child. If a boundary is crossed, the consequence is triggered. This only works of the parent sticks to this. IMO, kids like rules. It gives them a framework which is comforting. Watch youngsters play. They are always making up rules and regulations in their games. So, pointing out the consequences of bad behaviour and applying the consequence makes sense to a child.

However, if the parent relents just once, all is lost. We've managed to raise two well behaved and respectful children using this method. So, it does seem to work. Plus, children learn that losing a phone or tv viewing privileges for a period of time is not the end of the world. Indeed, earlier this year, Master B had his phone taken away for a whole term for a misdemeanour. We replaced it with an old school Nokia. Not only did he survive, he also realised that having the latest gadget is not the be all and end of of life.

On the other hand, a couple we know well just cannot remain consistent. One or other caves in and lets the child off for bad behaviour. Or, gives the child's phone or whatever back because the child have been whining about losing it.

As a result, these kids are running wild. They are aggressive, both verbally and physically towards their parents, uncooperative, selfish and more than anything, patently unhappy.

They are boundry-less and as a result, completely and utterly lost and afraid.

[WestyCarl]

Vaud said:

Ensure there are no hollow threats.

See so many parents threatening the removal of something and then not following through on the threat, or the child getting it back within 2 mins.

Action / consequence.
Consistency between parents.
etc

Exactly, a few yrs ago when my lad was 4, he decided he was the alpha male in our house (the wife is actually ) and he could do what he wanted, especially at bed time.
Over a few months we had a number of occasions when he would go to bed and kept switching his light on. Everytime he did it I removed a "toy" form his room, after a few hours him room was bare except the bed at which point it ended in tears and him being sorry. He then had to earn the stuff back over the next week by being good.

Was time consuming, frustrating and needed self control from me but ultimately worked and now he's 8 we never have any repeat occurrences.

[BoRED S2upid]

Bookmarked for future reference little BS2 is only 2 so we don't have any of this yet but I'm sure it's just around the corner.

[JungleJim]

Whose kid is it OP?

My kids only 4, but he's in absolutely no doubt that my word is final.

[TwistingMyMelon]

Firstly correcting child's behaviour takes months, of consistent and subtle displine all the time

I agree with hollow threats, pointless

I always try and mitigate confrontation before it starts, if you have to raise your voice all the time you are losing, that coupled with hollow threats mean kids just get used to you shouting and don't care

Positive reinforcement is always better than punishment I find, it also gives the child attention and shows you care

I work on the three strike rule, 1 polite asking nicely, 2 , asking firmly with a warning, 3 carry out action to stop the situation, again I try and stop it escalating before the third strike

Ideally you ant to build a bond with the child, so they respect your wishes, but appreciate you mean business when you get annoyed. The trouble with violence or getting the slipper out is it breaks the bond and scares the st out of the child

I find discipline really easy with 2 teenagers now (step kids as well) , I ask them nicely, 2 firmly and if they don't do it the third time, I simply don't say a word, walk over to the router and pull the lead out and hey presto no internet! No shouting, No nonsense and it means their 10 million gadgets now don't work.

Got a one year old now as well, so trying to use the similar tactics now (bit of a learning curve) and build a great loving bond, but with strict boundaries

That's my 10p anyway

Edited by TwistingMyMelon on Thursday 10th September 10:56

[smithyithy]

I'm not a parent but doesn't positive reinforcement work better nowadays? Daft comparison perhaps, but it's how we train our puppy. Shouting when he does things wrong makes no difference, he just ignores us. But giving a treat or praise when he does something right and behaves makes him want to do it more often. Simple really but probably quite a universal method.

[eliot]

TwistingMyMelon said:

if they don't do it the third time, I simply don't say a word, walk over to the router and pull the lead out and hey presto no internet! No shouting, No nonsense and it means their 10 million gadgets now don't work.

This.

[Vaud]

smithyithy said:

I'm not a parent but doesn't positive reinforcement work better nowadays? Daft comparison perhaps, but it's how we train our puppy. Shouting when he does things wrong makes no difference, he just ignores us. But giving a treat or praise when he does something right and behaves makes him want to do it more often. Simple really but probably quite a universal method.

Sure, praise works when they do something right.

But what do you do when they do something wrong?

It's a toolbox of methods that you need in my view.

[martin mrt]

Me and Mrs MRT are separated with a 4 1/2 year old son, he has her wrapped around his finger,

I just need to raise my voice and he knows to reign his behaviour in, so much so that his mum threatening to phone me is enough to get him back in line.

I'm old school in that a smack in the bum never hurt me (mentally) and it won't hurt him, thankfully it have never had to exercise this type of discipline

[ehonda]

Blib said:

Consistency, boundaries and consequences.

This, and I'll add that good behaviour should also have (good) consequences. It's bloody hard work at times, but worth it.

[JungleJim]

too many people seem to want raise a little mate/prince/princess - see facebook for a million examples.

[Vaud]

martin mrt said:

Me and Mrs MRT are separated with a 4 1/2 year old son, he has her wrapped around his finger,

I just need to raise my voice and he knows to reign his behaviour in, so much so that his mum threatening to phone me is enough to get him back in line.

I'm old school in that a smack in the bum never hurt me (mentally) and it won't hurt him, thankfully it have never had to exercise this type of discipline

Ahh the old "wait until your father hears about this".

[Tango13]

2ono said:

I just get a bigger stick out of the beating stick cupboard!

Make the child fetch the beating stick from the beating stick cupboard

[geeks]

Tango13 said:

2ono said:

I just get a bigger stick out of the beating stick cupboard!

Make the child fetch the beating stick from the beating stick cupboard

My parents used to make me fetch the wooden spoon to be smacked with, i dont recall them ever using it but making me bring it to them was sufficient to make me fall into line!