Child contact/divorce question
Discussion
Hello all,
A little help if you would....
A couple have recently split. They are married and have two under-three children. No courts orders etc. Dad moved out, mum at home with kids. Both work full time.
Things are starting to get tense and I can see the wheels coming off before long.
Children live with mum, and go to a child minder during the week. Dad sees them a couple of times a week, but he is very unreliable (turning up late, cancelling etc).
For reasons I don't really want to go into, mum is concerned about time the children spend with dad's extended family (who live an hour away). Nothing major, but they are having a negative effect on the children.
Dad wanted, out of the blue, to take the children midweek to see his family (overnight stay). Mum doesn't want this, apart from anything else it disrupts the childrens' weekday routine. He is already having them overnight a few days later at the weekend.
The question: dad has threaten just to turn up at the child minders before mum can get there after work, and just take the children away to stay with his family overnight. Can he just do this?
Thanks.
A little help if you would....
A couple have recently split. They are married and have two under-three children. No courts orders etc. Dad moved out, mum at home with kids. Both work full time.
Things are starting to get tense and I can see the wheels coming off before long.
Children live with mum, and go to a child minder during the week. Dad sees them a couple of times a week, but he is very unreliable (turning up late, cancelling etc).
For reasons I don't really want to go into, mum is concerned about time the children spend with dad's extended family (who live an hour away). Nothing major, but they are having a negative effect on the children.
Dad wanted, out of the blue, to take the children midweek to see his family (overnight stay). Mum doesn't want this, apart from anything else it disrupts the childrens' weekday routine. He is already having them overnight a few days later at the weekend.
The question: dad has threaten just to turn up at the child minders before mum can get there after work, and just take the children away to stay with his family overnight. Can he just do this?
Thanks.
If the father is named on the birth certificate for the children then he has as much right to collect them from the childminder/s as she has, no court will stop him there.
As said it may cause her to retaliate though.
As far as I know and I am no lawyer, the only way he can be refused access is if the Courts see him as an unfit father due to drink/drugs or other serious reasons. Just being unreliable and having family that are no as good an influence as you would like are not reasons to withhold contact no matter how much we would wish that to be the case sometimes.
I wish the children all the best in the future as growing up with parents who do not get along is tough
As said it may cause her to retaliate though.
As far as I know and I am no lawyer, the only way he can be refused access is if the Courts see him as an unfit father due to drink/drugs or other serious reasons. Just being unreliable and having family that are no as good an influence as you would like are not reasons to withhold contact no matter how much we would wish that to be the case sometimes.
I wish the children all the best in the future as growing up with parents who do not get along is tough
Impasse said:
Funny how the in-laws only ever become a negative influence once the couple split up. It's always the father's family too. How strange.
As I said, I don't want to go into too much detail but I'll just say that the in-laws have always been a problem from day one (some of the in-laws, not all of them) and mum really feels uncomfortable about the (very young) children being there without her, particularly overnight.I'm a divorced dad, so I can see both sides but I'm with mum on this one.
JumboBeef said:
Impasse said:
Funny how the in-laws only ever become a negative influence once the couple split up. It's always the father's family too. How strange.
As I said, I don't want to go into too much detail but I'll just say that the in-laws have always been a problem from day one (some of the in-laws, not all of them) and mum really feels uncomfortable about the (very young) children being there without her, particularly overnight.I'm a divorced dad, so I can see both sides but I'm with mum on this one.
The Mother trusts the man enough to have children with him, then raise them, then look after them alone. But she and only she is able to monitor and control the extended family... Everyone reading this can tell that the lady in question is trying it on. If there was a "problem" with the extended family the kids would have stopped seeing them long ago.
If you are going to drip feed, and try and get information on how to make the bloke (and in turn the children's) lives more difficult than it has to be - why not do the decent thing and give the whole story and say what your angle is.
JumboBeef said:
Thanks, as I thought.
Could he just take the kids away and say they live with him now?
Theoretically yes, providing he doesn't leave the country with them.Could he just take the kids away and say they live with him now?
If the mother wanted to take them away with her it wouldn't be an issue and the father would just be informed it's happening, if that. There would be no 'routine' issues then I would bet. The father on the other hand now has to go cap in hand and beg the mothers permission.
The unlevel playing field of the genders post separation as always.
But we can only play the card we are dealt with in life I guess. Someone needs to sit the father down and explain to him that if his relationship with his children is to be maintained then he has to bite his lip and take what is on offer. But above all he MUST be reliable. Nothing pisses off mothers more than fathers turning up late or not at all ....
Edited by PurpleMoonlight on Thursday 22 October 15:20
photosnob said:
JumboBeef said:
Impasse said:
Funny how the in-laws only ever become a negative influence once the couple split up. It's always the father's family too. How strange.
As I said, I don't want to go into too much detail but I'll just say that the in-laws have always been a problem from day one (some of the in-laws, not all of them) and mum really feels uncomfortable about the (very young) children being there without her, particularly overnight.I'm a divorced dad, so I can see both sides but I'm with mum on this one.
The Mother trusts the man enough to have children with him, then raise them, then look after them alone. But she and only she is able to monitor and control the extended family... Everyone reading this can tell that the lady in question is trying it on. If there was a "problem" with the extended family the kids would have stopped seeing them long ago.
If you are going to drip feed, and try and get information on how to make the bloke (and in turn the children's) lives more difficult than it has to be - why not do the decent thing and give the whole story and say what your angle is.
PurpleMoonlight said:
Nothing pisses off mothers more than fathers turning up late or not at all ....
Leaving the mother to explain why their father hasn't turned up without prejudicing the child.And to answer a different post: Not a level playing field when the father has an affair and f
ks off leaving the mother to raise the child with the father turning up when convenient and paying what they deem to be fair, if at anything at all when the mother is still on maternity leave and has no money and no benefits as still technically in full time education.And then when the child is sick or has school sports day/school play/parents evening the father is notable by the absence as cannot arrange time off or has commitments. My commitments or work hours were irrelevant.
It is not always the mothers with all the cards. At all.
And breathe........
Impasse said:
Are the children at risk when with the extended family? Risk doesn't mean staying up far too late eating junk food, bunking off school or not doing their homework.
Abuse, neglect or exposure to drug use are risks and pretty much anything else won't interest the courts or SS.
I reckon the children bunking off school would interest the courts, as that would be illegal. Education Welfare get involved, quite right too as it's a child welfare issue.Abuse, neglect or exposure to drug use are risks and pretty much anything else won't interest the courts or SS.
battered said:
I reckon the children bunking off school would interest the courts, as that would be illegal. Education Welfare get involved, quite right too as it's a child welfare issue.
They are not in infant school so there is no legal requirement for the children to turn up. My kids are in pre-school and I have no legal obligation to take them, nor inform the school if they are ill etc.OP you need to explain to the half of the couple you know she needs to get used to it.
She has no say over his new partner(s) or his family and if they are not brilliant role models unlucky, she picked him and she's stuck with him forever. School plays, university graduation, their weddings, their grandchildren's birthdays and so on and so on.
The sooner they get over themselves and realise that they only person who going to lose is two children who never asked for their parents to behave like idiots.
In answer to your question in the eyes of the law he is an equal parent but she is the primary carer and is meeting the children's day to day needs. If it got silly the child minder called the police they would try their best not get involved but would eventually support the primary carer to keep the peace and let them scrap it out in a court.
My professional suggestion is she writes a hand written letter explaining she wants to maintain the best possible relationship for the children and suggest regular contact that is fair and achievable, with clear plan of how it can be cancelled who to contact (you get the idea). I'd also suggest she lets him know the concerns about the family members and asks him to monitor it as the children are saying X, Y and Z
She has no say over his new partner(s) or his family and if they are not brilliant role models unlucky, she picked him and she's stuck with him forever. School plays, university graduation, their weddings, their grandchildren's birthdays and so on and so on.
The sooner they get over themselves and realise that they only person who going to lose is two children who never asked for their parents to behave like idiots.
In answer to your question in the eyes of the law he is an equal parent but she is the primary carer and is meeting the children's day to day needs. If it got silly the child minder called the police they would try their best not get involved but would eventually support the primary carer to keep the peace and let them scrap it out in a court.
My professional suggestion is she writes a hand written letter explaining she wants to maintain the best possible relationship for the children and suggest regular contact that is fair and achievable, with clear plan of how it can be cancelled who to contact (you get the idea). I'd also suggest she lets him know the concerns about the family members and asks him to monitor it as the children are saying X, Y and Z
Gassing Station | Speed, Plod & the Law | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff