The art of the Limericks. Got any good ones?

[TorqueDirty]

I was thinking about Limericks yesterday (not sure why) and wondered if there was a good thread on here. Had a looks and it seems there were a couple a few years back but they got closed by Big Brother.

Shall we try again?

Hopefully the auto-censor will do it's work and still leave these literary works of art intelligible.

Here are a couple for starters (the old ones are the best and all that).

There was a man from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds
In less than an hour
His bum was a flower
And his balls were covered in weeds

There was a man from Madras
Who's balls were made of brass
In windy weather
They clanged together
And spark flew up his arse


Who needs Haiku eh?

TD

[TwigtheWonderkid]

There was a law student called Rex
Who had very small organs of sex
When charged with exposure
He replied with composure
De minimus non curat lex.

[marshalla]

A handsome young plumber named Lee,
Was plumbing a maid by the sea,
She said "Stop your plumbing",
"I think someone's coming".
He said, "Yes, I know Miss, it's me!"

[Rawwr]

A thread was made at 8:30,
by a moron called TorqueDirty.
He deserved this roast,
and upon reading this post,
he sulked and got all shirty.

[TorqueDirty]

Rawwr said:

A thread was made at 8:30,
by a moron called TorqueDirty.
He deserved this roast,
and upon reading this post,
he sulked and got all shirty.

Touche!

And right back at you...

There was a Pistonhead poster called Martin,
Who had a reputation for constantly farting,
When asked to desist,
He got decidedly pissed,
And let off a ripper when parting.

Edited to move this effort from inane to just childish!

Edited by TorqueDirty on Tuesday 8th December 18:14

[Trophy Husband]

I used to make them up about people I worked with...

There was a young lady called Sian
Who had a f4nny the size of a barn
when she got aroused
Out came the cows
It was like being down on the farm!

[DSLiverpool]

She was only the fishmongers daughter
But she lay on the slab and said "fillet"

Short but still cracks me up 30 years on

[blue bear]

She was only a cobbler's daughter
But by fk she could tack it

[ZOLLAR]

Some of these are great, the law student one and the plumbing one

Keep them coming!

[cobra kid]

There was a young man from Buckingham,
Who was stood on the bridge overlooking 'em
Whilst watching the stunts
Of the s in the punts
And the tricks of the pricks who were fking 'em

[Vizsla]

There was a young lady from Norway
Who hung by her heels from the doorway
She said to her man
'Get off that divan
I think I've discovered one more way'

[softtop]

There was once was a young lad called Dave,
Who found an old bike in a cave,
He said, "isn't it disgustin'
It only needs dustin'
Just think of the bus fares I'll save"

Best read in Yorkshire accent

[callyman]

There once was a man from Bel Air
Who was doing his wife on the stair
But the banister broke
So he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air


There once was a girl named Mcgill
Who used dynamite sticks as a thrill
They found her vagina
In north Carolina
And her tits up a tree in Brazil

[Whitean3]

There once was an Actress from Crewe,
Who remarked as the Bishop withdrew
The Vicar was quicker
And thicker and slicker
And two inches longer than you!

There once was a lady from Morton
Who had one long tit and one short 'un
On top of all that
A great hairy tw*t
And a fart like a 650 Norton

[boyse7en]

There was a young girl of Devizes
Whose tits were two different sizes
One was so small,
It was nothing at all,
The other so large it won prizes!

[a7x88]

Here's one I wrote at school when I was 5 or 6 - nothing rude!

There once was a man from Berlin
Who thought he was the wizard Merlin
So he cast a spell
But he wasn't that well
And he ended up as a Gherkin

[jshell]

I'll tell you a tale that'll make you sick
about a guy with a corkscrew prick
he roamed about, from pole to pole
in search of a girl with a corkscrew hole
but when he found her, he dropped down dead
the girl in question had a left-hand thread.

>thankyou<

[judas]

The scholarly fellow of Buckingham
Wrote a treatise on women and fking 'em
He was beat by a Turk
With a ten volume work
On aholes and methods of sucking 'em

[ChrisnChris]

There was a young girl called Heather
Whose was made out of leather
To attract the boys
She made a noise
By flapping the edges together.



There was a young girl from Rhyl
Who swallowed an atomic pill
They found her vagina
In South Carolina
And her arse up a tree in Brazil.

[mybrainhurts]

There was an old hippy called Corbyn
Oh, bugger it, I can't be arsed....