How to help my partner help herself?
Discussion
Morning guys. Apologies for the length of this but any help would be greatly appreciated
My partner has been unwell for over two years now and I feel that this has got to a point where it is affecting us as a family.
Two years ago we both stopped smoking. A few months after this it became apparent that my partner had no sense of smell or taste and was eventually diagnosed as allergic to cats (we rehomed her) and dust mites. The allergies had contributed (we think) to Rhinitis and severe nasal polyps. She had an operation to remove these 18 months ago but tbh this doesn't appear to have helped much, if at all.
She has breathing difficulties whilst sleeping - stops breathing at times and snores badly - waking herself.
Has just generally lost all motivation and spark. She knows that she needs to lose a bit of weight to help with it and has some remedies to assist, such as a sinus rinse, but she is just generally exhausted and cannot be bothered. The knock on effect being that I am exhausted as well but try to remain positive and constantly reassure her that it's not her fault when I can't sleep as I don't want to exacerbate the problem
I was beginning to get the feeling that she was teetering on the edge of depression.
Then, out of the blue at the end of August, we lost her Mum. A minor stroke on the Wednesday left her unable to flex her fingers, they found cancer, she was gone in 10 days (the last 4 of which she was comatose). My partner and myself slept at the hospital for the last 4 days so that she wouldn't be alone when the time came.
I feel that this has tipped her over the edge but am treading on eggshells because I don't want to upset her.
She doesn't want to do anything
We don't go out on the few occasions that we have no kids
She doesn't sleep at night but then is falling asleep on the sofa by 9pm
She makes no effort with regards to her appearance
She doesn't do the preventative measures for her sinus troubles
On top of this we have an 11 year old who is struggling to come to terms with losing Grandma, starting high school, and his dad/stepmum have just split up as well.
Tbh it's exhausting me trying to stay strong. My motivation has gone in some ways - I had lost 2 stone and just completed my first half marathon - I've put it all back on and have hardly exercised for the last 3 months.
On top of this she is now paranoid that she is just going to push me away and I am going to give up on her. This could not be further from the truth - I love her to bits. I'm not worried about us, just about her if that makes sense, although at times maybe my frustrations are apparent. I just want her to have some life back - and by extension WE would get some life back
Does anybody have any ideas? I've told her I think she needs to go the Gp, she just says it's too soon and to be expected after losing her Mum. I can't make her get help but need her to see it for herself
My partner has been unwell for over two years now and I feel that this has got to a point where it is affecting us as a family.
Two years ago we both stopped smoking. A few months after this it became apparent that my partner had no sense of smell or taste and was eventually diagnosed as allergic to cats (we rehomed her) and dust mites. The allergies had contributed (we think) to Rhinitis and severe nasal polyps. She had an operation to remove these 18 months ago but tbh this doesn't appear to have helped much, if at all.
She has breathing difficulties whilst sleeping - stops breathing at times and snores badly - waking herself.
Has just generally lost all motivation and spark. She knows that she needs to lose a bit of weight to help with it and has some remedies to assist, such as a sinus rinse, but she is just generally exhausted and cannot be bothered. The knock on effect being that I am exhausted as well but try to remain positive and constantly reassure her that it's not her fault when I can't sleep as I don't want to exacerbate the problem
I was beginning to get the feeling that she was teetering on the edge of depression.
Then, out of the blue at the end of August, we lost her Mum. A minor stroke on the Wednesday left her unable to flex her fingers, they found cancer, she was gone in 10 days (the last 4 of which she was comatose). My partner and myself slept at the hospital for the last 4 days so that she wouldn't be alone when the time came.
I feel that this has tipped her over the edge but am treading on eggshells because I don't want to upset her.
She doesn't want to do anything
We don't go out on the few occasions that we have no kids
She doesn't sleep at night but then is falling asleep on the sofa by 9pm
She makes no effort with regards to her appearance
She doesn't do the preventative measures for her sinus troubles
On top of this we have an 11 year old who is struggling to come to terms with losing Grandma, starting high school, and his dad/stepmum have just split up as well.
Tbh it's exhausting me trying to stay strong. My motivation has gone in some ways - I had lost 2 stone and just completed my first half marathon - I've put it all back on and have hardly exercised for the last 3 months.
On top of this she is now paranoid that she is just going to push me away and I am going to give up on her. This could not be further from the truth - I love her to bits. I'm not worried about us, just about her if that makes sense, although at times maybe my frustrations are apparent. I just want her to have some life back - and by extension WE would get some life back
Does anybody have any ideas? I've told her I think she needs to go the Gp, she just says it's too soon and to be expected after losing her Mum. I can't make her get help but need her to see it for herself
Pieman68 said:
She has breathing difficulties whilst sleeping - stops breathing at times and snores badly - waking herself.
Sounds like sleep apnoea.OP - your partner needs to see a GP, sounds to me like she could do with some grievance counselling and a chat about depression.
All the very best.
HarryFlatters said:
Sounds like sleep apnoea.
OP - your partner needs to see a GP, sounds to me like she could do with some grievance counselling and a chat about depression.
All the very best.
She has had all the apparatus and test for sleep apnoea. Apparently she doesn't stop breathing enough times per hour for it to be diagnosed as this - she was told that mild sleep apnoea is if you stop breathing roughly 15 times per hour and she was only stopping 3-6 timesOP - your partner needs to see a GP, sounds to me like she could do with some grievance counselling and a chat about depression.
All the very best.
I agree 100% with what you say about the GP - I suppose the question is how do I get her to see that?
Pieman68 said:
HarryFlatters said:
Sounds like sleep apnoea.
OP - your partner needs to see a GP, sounds to me like she could do with some grievance counselling and a chat about depression.
All the very best.
She has had all the apparatus and test for sleep apnoea. Apparently she doesn't stop breathing enough times per hour for it to be diagnosed as this - she was told that mild sleep apnoea is if you stop breathing roughly 15 times per hour and she was only stopping 3-6 timesOP - your partner needs to see a GP, sounds to me like she could do with some grievance counselling and a chat about depression.
All the very best.
I agree 100% with what you say about the GP - I suppose the question is how do I get her to see that?
You could sit her down and talk about it, but Im hoping you are asking here as you have tired all that and you are getting nowhere.
If it were me, I would tell her, we are going here as Im fed up of a) b) and c) and we need to sort this for her well being and your well being, we can't sit around and do nothing for the rest of our lives waiting to get over medical issues and grief, we need to be proactive, blah blah blah...
This coming from someone who has bad post nasal drip and it makes my life a right PITA... eating/sleeping/doing anything without a hacking snotty issue.
Du1point8 said:
Not so much get, take her... thought love and all that.
You could sit her down and talk about it, but Im hoping you are asking here as you have tired all that and you are getting nowhere.
If it were me, I would tell her, we are going here as Im fed up of a) b) and c) and we need to sort this for her well being and your well being, we can't sit around and do nothing for the rest of our lives waiting to get over medical issues and grief, we need to be proactive, blah blah blah...
This coming from someone who has bad post nasal drip and it makes my life a right PITA... eating/sleeping/doing anything without a hacking snotty issue.
Yes, have tried talking to her - she just says that it's too soon after losing her mum and that they won't help until at least 6 months afterwards, although I have no idea where she has got that fromYou could sit her down and talk about it, but Im hoping you are asking here as you have tired all that and you are getting nowhere.
If it were me, I would tell her, we are going here as Im fed up of a) b) and c) and we need to sort this for her well being and your well being, we can't sit around and do nothing for the rest of our lives waiting to get over medical issues and grief, we need to be proactive, blah blah blah...
This coming from someone who has bad post nasal drip and it makes my life a right PITA... eating/sleeping/doing anything without a hacking snotty issue.
I have tried to circumnavigate a touch as well, as I have a rugby friend who is a counsellor - says he will happily speak to her and see if he can help but he can only do so if she wants it
Pieman68 said:
Du1point8 said:
Not so much get, take her... thought love and all that.
You could sit her down and talk about it, but Im hoping you are asking here as you have tired all that and you are getting nowhere.
If it were me, I would tell her, we are going here as Im fed up of a) b) and c) and we need to sort this for her well being and your well being, we can't sit around and do nothing for the rest of our lives waiting to get over medical issues and grief, we need to be proactive, blah blah blah...
This coming from someone who has bad post nasal drip and it makes my life a right PITA... eating/sleeping/doing anything without a hacking snotty issue.
Yes, have tried talking to her - she just says that it's too soon after losing her mum and that they won't help until at least 6 months afterwards, although I have no idea where she has got that fromYou could sit her down and talk about it, but Im hoping you are asking here as you have tired all that and you are getting nowhere.
If it were me, I would tell her, we are going here as Im fed up of a) b) and c) and we need to sort this for her well being and your well being, we can't sit around and do nothing for the rest of our lives waiting to get over medical issues and grief, we need to be proactive, blah blah blah...
This coming from someone who has bad post nasal drip and it makes my life a right PITA... eating/sleeping/doing anything without a hacking snotty issue.
I have tried to circumnavigate a touch as well, as I have a rugby friend who is a counsellor - says he will happily speak to her and see if he can help but he can only do so if she wants it
Part of grieving is to talk about it, not to bottle it up and not face it.
Pieman68 said:
Yes, have tried talking to her - she just says that it's too soon after losing her mum and that they won't help until at least 6 months afterwards, although I have no idea where she has got that from.
There will ALWAYS be an excuse to avoid confronting the problem....Best to bite the bullet and deal with it now. There's no easy route I'm afraid - Good luck.P.S. Get planning your next half marathon
Lotus Notes said:
P.S. Get planning your next half marathon
I am steeling myself to refocus on a personal level in the New Year, and am looking to join the local running club in JanuaryFrom a rugby POV, the Aussie boys are over on tour next year and I fancy trying to get myself into a GB shirt for the Masters test match
As for the next half marathon, just to decide which one and am considering the full Yorkshire in October - find I motivate better when I have entered and set myself a goal
If it is depression, and i strongly suspect it is from your description... then see a GP ASAP. There is no waiting, no putting off, just get it done. Anti-depressants are nothing to be afraid of either.
From a personal POV, my other half suffers from depression. The first 6 months are the hardest while they come to understand the illness and what their triggers are. The tablets have allowed her some space from her feelings to give perspective and allow her to work through any issues.
The best thing you can do is educate yourself on it. What you can do to mitigate it as much as possible... and understand how they're feeling when even they don't know. Don't be afraid to talk to a GP yourself, or counsellor, or even just a friend... because it can be as hard on the partner as it can be on the sufferer!
Just remember ... it does get better.
From a personal POV, my other half suffers from depression. The first 6 months are the hardest while they come to understand the illness and what their triggers are. The tablets have allowed her some space from her feelings to give perspective and allow her to work through any issues.
The best thing you can do is educate yourself on it. What you can do to mitigate it as much as possible... and understand how they're feeling when even they don't know. Don't be afraid to talk to a GP yourself, or counsellor, or even just a friend... because it can be as hard on the partner as it can be on the sufferer!
Just remember ... it does get better.
utgjon said:
If it is depression, and i strongly suspect it is from your description... then see a GP ASAP. There is no waiting, no putting off, just get it done. Anti-depressants are nothing to be afraid of either.
From a personal POV, my other half suffers from depression. The first 6 months are the hardest while they come to understand the illness and what their triggers are. The tablets have allowed her some space from her feelings to give perspective and allow her to work through any issues.
The best thing you can do is educate yourself on it. What you can do to mitigate it as much as possible... and understand how they're feeling when even they don't know. Don't be afraid to talk to a GP yourself, or counsellor, or even just a friend... because it can be as hard on the partner as it can be on the sufferer!
Just remember ... it does get better.
I suffered from mild depression about a decade ago. These are the exact words (in bold) I'd use to describe how the pills helped me.From a personal POV, my other half suffers from depression. The first 6 months are the hardest while they come to understand the illness and what their triggers are. The tablets have allowed her some space from her feelings to give perspective and allow her to work through any issues.
The best thing you can do is educate yourself on it. What you can do to mitigate it as much as possible... and understand how they're feeling when even they don't know. Don't be afraid to talk to a GP yourself, or counsellor, or even just a friend... because it can be as hard on the partner as it can be on the sufferer!
Just remember ... it does get better.
a pervasive low mood with identifiable depressive features of >3 months duration is a stand-alone diagnostic entity. however, she is bereaved and sometimes it just is what it is.
she has chronic physical health problems which, regardless of our estimates of our own ability to "cope" will eventually impact mood and behaviour.
difficult to speculate without taking a full history but i suggest that a co-joint approach would be most beneficial. i think there's a case for an anti-depressant and a psychological intervention but many people are opposed to meds so a purely cognitive intervention would be second choice.
the "physical" side of things will continue to need to be managed but outcomes in long-term health conditions can be significantly improved by adding in a psychological treatment; "improved" in terms of recovery rates, relapse prevention, admission rates, reductions in health related investigations carried out etc etc.
all of this can be managed without involving specialist mental health services or seeing a psychiatrist (which many people are also opposed to).
reassurance about not needing to involve psychiatry may be persuasive with regard to getting her to the GP?
ideally:
course of anti-depressant (6-9 months in the first instance)
with
exploration of grief/bereavement issues eg CRUSE
and
health psychology to address the relationship with, and the impact of, her long term health co-morbidities
paul
she has chronic physical health problems which, regardless of our estimates of our own ability to "cope" will eventually impact mood and behaviour.
difficult to speculate without taking a full history but i suggest that a co-joint approach would be most beneficial. i think there's a case for an anti-depressant and a psychological intervention but many people are opposed to meds so a purely cognitive intervention would be second choice.
the "physical" side of things will continue to need to be managed but outcomes in long-term health conditions can be significantly improved by adding in a psychological treatment; "improved" in terms of recovery rates, relapse prevention, admission rates, reductions in health related investigations carried out etc etc.
all of this can be managed without involving specialist mental health services or seeing a psychiatrist (which many people are also opposed to).
reassurance about not needing to involve psychiatry may be persuasive with regard to getting her to the GP?
ideally:
course of anti-depressant (6-9 months in the first instance)
with
exploration of grief/bereavement issues eg CRUSE
and
health psychology to address the relationship with, and the impact of, her long term health co-morbidities
paul
Pieman68 said:
She has had all the apparatus and test for sleep apnoea. Apparently she doesn't stop breathing enough times per hour for it to be diagnosed as this - she was told that mild sleep apnoea is if you stop breathing roughly 15 times per hour and she was only stopping 3-6 times
I agree 100% with what you say about the GP - I suppose the question is how do I get her to see that?
I was diagnosed with sleep apnoea despite being a healthy, active and fit 40 year old. I never realised I had it, but the test said I woke up every 2.5 minutes through the night. I went straight to one of these as there was no way I was going down the cpap route. Costs £100 and fixed (as subsequent sleep tests have shown) my sleep apnoea.I agree 100% with what you say about the GP - I suppose the question is how do I get her to see that?
A sleep test only measures the one night. The waking 6 times an hour may just have been that particular night. For the sake of £100 I can vouch for the difference two weeks of actual sleep make to your life and general wellbeing. Silly question but does she dream? By that I mean like normal people? I only realised that I didn't dream until I started again.
Above all, follow the advice on here and take her to the GP. That's what they're there for.
I agree with all the previous posts. It sounds like depression, on top of various other issues, and the sooner she sees a GP the better. If you're a strong couple, as it appears, you may have to be more assertive than usual in order to ensure that she does what you feel is best. Have you discussed anything with your own GP - i.e your own health now suffering because....... Your GP may be able to come up with a different/better route for her (and if you have the same GP at least he'll be aware).
Sorry to hear your situation OP. Some of these symptoms sound like they could be attributable to sleep apnoea (OSA) and a discussion with a GP could result in the necessary referral for investigations. You might find that the motivation/tiredness is linked if it is OSA. Take a trip to your GP.
Thanks so much for all of the replies gents. We have had a discussion this weekend and have moved forwards somewhat. She has taken some of the responsibility for herself and has been using the nasal rinse and slept better and have seen a noticeably better mood, but at the same time she has agreed to visit the GP
Slightly out of the leftfield - I proposed to her at the weekend and she said yes
Slightly out of the leftfield - I proposed to her at the weekend and she said yes
Pieman68 said:
Thanks so much for all of the replies gents. We have had a discussion this weekend and have moved forwards somewhat. She has taken some of the responsibility for herself and has been using the nasal rinse and slept better and have seen a noticeably better mood, but at the same time she has agreed to visit the GP
Slightly out of the leftfield - I proposed to her at the weekend and she said yes
Congrats!!!!Slightly out of the leftfield - I proposed to her at the weekend and she said yes
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