Can you learn 'small talk'?
Discussion
With the festive season behind us, it has once again become painfully apparent that I seem to lack much ability to make 'small talk' - often a requirement at parties/gatherings etc.
I'm not particularly shy, but am perhaps lacking in the ego department
Is it possible to learn this 'art', or just something that is acquired through practice?
I'm not particularly shy, but am perhaps lacking in the ego department
Is it possible to learn this 'art', or just something that is acquired through practice?
Questions - I find that's the key. A lot of people like talking about themselves so just pick up one thing they say and ask them a question about it. Keep going until they say something you know about or have experience in and then talk about that until you can escape.
If you find someone who doesn't like talking about themselves, you're onto a real winner. Means you can both sit there happily taking the piss out of all the people you can see trying to make small talk
If you find someone who doesn't like talking about themselves, you're onto a real winner. Means you can both sit there happily taking the piss out of all the people you can see trying to make small talk
These people are very good: http://www.impactfactory.com and I'm sure there are similar places around the country.
I was sent on a days course by my employer and although I was extremely cynical initially, I actually really enjoyed it.
I was sent on a days course by my employer and although I was extremely cynical initially, I actually really enjoyed it.
Something I learn't from a friend that has since worked for me :
Walk upto anybody who you don't know and say 'Who are you?' and wait for a reply.
That generates two possible replies, once they've got over the cheek of the question :
a) F-off whats it got to do with you' ( in which case move on cos they aren't worth spending time with ) or more likely...
b) I'm so and so, and that always leads to why are you here, who else do you know, what do you do, etc etc and in my experience is that they have been dying for somebody else to talk to them, get involved and then continue the conversation. Once prompted,many people are happy to talk about themselves.
Has worked for me at parties, posh dinners when sat next to a complete stranger or sometimes a stranger you see regularly but needs an opening gambit.
Work on the premise that they are more anxious about starting small talk than you are. Have made some great mates and friends this way.
Walk upto anybody who you don't know and say 'Who are you?' and wait for a reply.
That generates two possible replies, once they've got over the cheek of the question :
a) F-off whats it got to do with you' ( in which case move on cos they aren't worth spending time with ) or more likely...
b) I'm so and so, and that always leads to why are you here, who else do you know, what do you do, etc etc and in my experience is that they have been dying for somebody else to talk to them, get involved and then continue the conversation. Once prompted,many people are happy to talk about themselves.
Has worked for me at parties, posh dinners when sat next to a complete stranger or sometimes a stranger you see regularly but needs an opening gambit.
Work on the premise that they are more anxious about starting small talk than you are. Have made some great mates and friends this way.
I think its something that either comes naturally or not depending on your personality. In my job I frequently find myself at meetings or functions with lots of people I don't know (sometimes on my own); it helps if you have an outgoing personality, but I find asking questions and then finding a common point of interest is a good start.
Being a good listener is key. As someone above said, people LOVE talking about themselves, so ask a question and let them rattle on for a while. Asking about their hobbies, their interests is generally far more interesting than asking about work. Feign interest, although sometimes you will find some genuinely interesting people who are a delight to listen to.
BryanC said:
Something I learn't from a friend that has since worked for me :
Walk upto anybody who you don't know and say 'Who are you?' and wait for a reply.
That generates two possible replies, once they've got over the cheek of the question :
a) F-off whats it got to do with you' ( in which case move on cos they aren't worth spending time with ) or more likely...
b) I'm so and so, and that always leads to why are you here, who else do you know, what do you do, etc etc and in my experience is that they have been dying for somebody else to talk to them, get involved and then continue the conversation. Once prompted,many people are happy to talk about themselves.
Has worked for me at parties, posh dinners when sat next to a complete stranger or sometimes a stranger you see regularly but needs an opening gambit.
Work on the premise that they are more anxious about starting small talk than you are. Have made some great mates and friends this way.
C). I'd just tell you my name and then look at you a bit weird whilst you squirmed.Walk upto anybody who you don't know and say 'Who are you?' and wait for a reply.
That generates two possible replies, once they've got over the cheek of the question :
a) F-off whats it got to do with you' ( in which case move on cos they aren't worth spending time with ) or more likely...
b) I'm so and so, and that always leads to why are you here, who else do you know, what do you do, etc etc and in my experience is that they have been dying for somebody else to talk to them, get involved and then continue the conversation. Once prompted,many people are happy to talk about themselves.
Has worked for me at parties, posh dinners when sat next to a complete stranger or sometimes a stranger you see regularly but needs an opening gambit.
Work on the premise that they are more anxious about starting small talk than you are. Have made some great mates and friends this way.
I too used to be terrible at this...however in recent years I've become much better at it.
As others have said, the key is to listen, and you only need some very simple questions. At a work Christmas party a got talking to a colleague I didn't know well, I asked him what he was doing over Christmas and he spent a good five minutes telling me how he'd struggled to make all the necessary arrangements and fit everyone in. When he'd finished, I followed up with 'how do you think it's all going to play out?" which got another few minutes. And so on.
Open questions is the key. They don't have to be clever or well thought out, just anything that is an OPEN question (cannot be answered with yes or no).
And always remember you're not on a forum - no trolling of people in real life, they hit you!
As others have said, the key is to listen, and you only need some very simple questions. At a work Christmas party a got talking to a colleague I didn't know well, I asked him what he was doing over Christmas and he spent a good five minutes telling me how he'd struggled to make all the necessary arrangements and fit everyone in. When he'd finished, I followed up with 'how do you think it's all going to play out?" which got another few minutes. And so on.
Open questions is the key. They don't have to be clever or well thought out, just anything that is an OPEN question (cannot be answered with yes or no).
And always remember you're not on a forum - no trolling of people in real life, they hit you!
227bhp said:
C). I'd just tell you my name and then look at you a bit weird whilst you squirmed.
That's easily followed up with a few questions about who you are / where you work / whatever (dependent on situation).Obviouly if you then continued to furnish one word answers I'd quickly move on, since another part of the skill is realising when people don't want to talk at all.
rsbmw said:
I too am awful with small talk, mainly because it simply doesn't interest me. Start talking about something that does interest me though, and I could converse all day.
This is me.Condi said:
Being a good listener is key. As someone above said, people LOVE talking about themselves, so ask a question and let them rattle on for a while. Asking about their hobbies, their interests is generally far more interesting than asking about work. Feign interest, although sometimes you will find some genuinely interesting people who are a delight to listen to.
Which why this is often very dull.I was at a social meal out a few weeks ago and was sat opposite a man and woman who didn't know one another, he was tubby and balding, her like a rake. She went on and on and on about health & fitness, how big her house was and her kids for about 1.5hrs whilst he looked really interested and kept chipping in to feed her. I don't know how he put up with someone so self obsessed and vacuous, I was bored silly within 30 seconds of hearing her drone on about her boring life.
At the end of the meal if he'd taken anything in (I didn't) he would have known a lot about her - which was nothing worth knowing at all. Yet she knew nothing about him, probably couldn't even remember her name.
I just don't get small talk whatsoever, it's just hard work for no reason.
Condi said:
227bhp said:
C). I'd just tell you my name and then look at you a bit weird whilst you squirmed.
Why would you squirm? Just ask another question, or are people you talk to that socially incompetent they cant carry on a conversation? 227bhp said:
Condi said:
227bhp said:
C). I'd just tell you my name and then look at you a bit weird whilst you squirmed.
Why would you squirm? Just ask another question, or are people you talk to that socially incompetent they cant carry on a conversation? 227bhp said:
rsbmw said:
I too am awful with small talk, mainly because it simply doesn't interest me. Start talking about something that does interest me though, and I could converse all day.
This is me.Condi said:
Being a good listener is key. As someone above said, people LOVE talking about themselves, so ask a question and let them rattle on for a while. Asking about their hobbies, their interests is generally far more interesting than asking about work. Feign interest, although sometimes you will find some genuinely interesting people who are a delight to listen to.
Which why this is often very dull.I was at a social meal out a few weeks ago and was sat opposite a man and woman who didn't know one another, he was tubby and balding, her like a rake. She went on and on and on about health & fitness, how big her house was and her kids for about 1.5hrs whilst he looked really interested and kept chipping in to feed her. I don't know how he put up with someone so self obsessed and vacuous, I was bored silly within 30 seconds of hearing her drone on about her boring life.
At the end of the meal if he'd taken anything in (I didn't) he would have known a lot about her - which was nothing worth knowing at all. Yet she knew nothing about him, probably couldn't even remember her name.
I just don't get small talk whatsoever, it's just hard work for no reason.
I once started working at a new company. There was this one person who quizzed me on the 1st day, honestly he asked more questions than the bloke who interviewed me for the job in the 1st place. I felt exhausted at the end of it. I had a suspicion he was a bit gay, only women interrogate like that lol.
My retired father in law has been going to an art class for 10 years, my mother in law asked him if the man he had been sitting next to for the past 10 years had any children. He didn't know. One of the few things I am proud of him for.
227bhp said:
I just don't get small talk whatsoever, it's just hard work for no reason.
If you're a miserable 
, then maybe this thread wasn't for you? Anyway, small talk is important. It allows you to make acquaintances with anyone who speaks the same language as you. Granted, a lot of those people are boring, or have different interests to you, but some of them are interesting and some of them might be worth sleeping with.
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