MENSA member calls helpline
Discussion
Is this for real? Or been done to death but passed me by? Claimed to be real by a trusty techy...
dialogue recorded on helpline said:
Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I
type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not?"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too fg stupid to own a computer"
As far as you can tell with these things, it is a real story.In the random chaotic world of PH some things just pass you by. The content is clearly 'of an era' and I did acknowledge the distinct possibility of beenherebeforedomboredom, but being so historical it might just have pre-dated PH. Oooops, sorry.
>> Edited by turbobloke on Friday 18th February 23:35
>> Edited by turbobloke on Friday 18th February 23:35
Here's a real one (from an old firm of mine and I knew the lady)
Secretary: Hello? Tech support?
Tech Supp: Yes? What can we do for you.
Secretary: Well its a problem with my new Mac.
Tech Supp: Yes?
Secretary: Well I can't get the cursor over to the far side of the screen.
Tech Supp: Oh? Does the mouse work properly?
Secretary: Yes I think so. It goes left the cursor goes left. It goes right when the cursor goes right but I just can't get the cursor far enough over!
Tech Supp: (At a loss). It just stops part way across the screen?
Secretary: Yes - there's no more room on my desk.
Tech Supp: ???£?££%£%^&^%%$%^...
Secretary: Hello? Tech support?
Tech Supp: Yes? What can we do for you.
Secretary: Well its a problem with my new Mac.
Tech Supp: Yes?
Secretary: Well I can't get the cursor over to the far side of the screen.
Tech Supp: Oh? Does the mouse work properly?
Secretary: Yes I think so. It goes left the cursor goes left. It goes right when the cursor goes right but I just can't get the cursor far enough over!
Tech Supp: (At a loss). It just stops part way across the screen?
Secretary: Yes - there's no more room on my desk.
Tech Supp: ???£?££%£%^&^%%$%^...
Don said:
Here's a real one (from an old firm of mine and I knew the lady)
Secretary: Hello? Tech support?
Tech Supp: Yes? What can we do for you.
Secretary: Well its a problem with my new Mac.
Tech Supp: Yes?
Secretary: Well I can't get the cursor over to the far side of the screen.
Tech Supp: Oh? Does the mouse work properly?
Secretary: Yes I think so. It goes left the cursor goes left. It goes right when the cursor goes right but I just can't get the cursor far enough over!
Tech Supp: (At a loss). It just stops part way across the screen?
Secretary: Yes - there's no more room on my desk.
Tech Supp: ???£?££%£%^&^%%$%^...
A close freind of mine is a plumber and he admitted to me he was found pulling another desk next to his own when in college one night just so he could move the mouse down to the bottom of the screen. I swear its true and he is not stupid either.
Dad still has a typewriter down his shed. You can hear him when he is having one of his rants to the council/mps/etc/etc. Each punch of the key represents a quantum of anger.
I used to think he was stone age but I'm getting respect for the old bloke! Word 2000 just doesn't capture that "organic" anger. They can see the how hard the keys were pressed by looking at the paper!
I used to think he was stone age but I'm getting respect for the old bloke! Word 2000 just doesn't capture that "organic" anger. They can see the how hard the keys were pressed by looking at the paper!
I think you'll find most of the stories here http://rinkworks.com/stupid/
said:
Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network."
Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can open an outage."
Customer: "What is that?"
Tech Support: "That little barcode on the front of your computer."
Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar . . ."
I actualy did this to some dim woman, hey made me laugh
los angeles said:
Thanks, Pigeon. I'll go have a look at one. Maybe check a web site first.
IBM themselves don't make them anymore, so you'll be looking at ebay for a second-hand one, but don't let that worry you because they last for ever. www.pckeyboard.com seem to have taken over, and build keyboards using the same indestructible buckling-spring keyswitches. Not sure if their key caps are equally indestructible.
From the Simpo archives:
'I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"
And another:
'After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant user called the system maker's technical support line for assistance...
Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?
Customer: There's smoke coming from the power supply on my computer.
Technician: Looks like you need a new power supply.
Customer: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Technician: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need to replace it.
Customer: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system startup files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right command.
For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician's efforts to explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded...
Technician: I'm sorry. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there's an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
Customer: I knew it!
Technician: Just add the line 'LOAD NOSMOKE.COM' at the end of the CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes.
About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the
customer.
Customer: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Technician: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
Customer: MS-DOS 6.22.
Technician: Well, that's your problem. That version of DOS doesn't include NOSMOKE. You'll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let me know how it all works out. When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again.
Customer: I need a new power supply.
Technician: How did you come to that conclusion?
Customer: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply.
Technician: What did he tell you?
Customer: He said my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.
>> Edited by simpo two on Sunday 20th February 21:02
'I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"
And another:
'After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant user called the system maker's technical support line for assistance...
Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?
Customer: There's smoke coming from the power supply on my computer.
Technician: Looks like you need a new power supply.
Customer: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Technician: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need to replace it.
Customer: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system startup files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right command.
For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician's efforts to explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded...
Technician: I'm sorry. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there's an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
Customer: I knew it!
Technician: Just add the line 'LOAD NOSMOKE.COM' at the end of the CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes.
About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the
customer.
Customer: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Technician: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
Customer: MS-DOS 6.22.
Technician: Well, that's your problem. That version of DOS doesn't include NOSMOKE. You'll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let me know how it all works out. When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again.
Customer: I need a new power supply.
Technician: How did you come to that conclusion?
Customer: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply.
Technician: What did he tell you?
Customer: He said my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.
>> Edited by simpo two on Sunday 20th February 21:02
Gassing Station | The Pie & Piston Archive | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff