Not having children
Discussion
ScotHill said:
Anyone who wanted to have children and then couldn't for whatever reason? How was/is it?
Try this thread:http://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&a...
We have two sets of friends who are unable to have children.
One set decided to adopt and are wonderful and happy parents. They did it through Barnardos as the local authority were a bunch of prejudiced politically correct t
ts.The others decided not to adopt and have actively engaged themselves in the lives of friends with kids instead. If we get knocked over by a bus, they will be the parents to our kids.
There is no right and wrong, but whilst it might feel the end of the world, both of the examples above show happy outcomes.
Silent1 said:
Try this thread:
http://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&a...
Have read that thread (in fact I'm on the end of it) but it generally covers the process of trying. I'm looking for maybe people in their 40s who've had to come to terms with the trying not working while their friends now all have kids.http://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&a...
Fermit The Krog and Sarah Sexy said:
We're a little worried about this happening. I'm 38 her 37, trying for ATM, needing to get off the cigs for possible IVF. We'll see, and fingers crossed.
Yep, that's pretty much us, coming up for 3 years now. IVF in May but not getting my hopes up.Fermit The Krog and Sarah Sexy said:
We're a little worried about this happening. I'm 38 her 37, trying for ATM, needing to get off the cigs for possible IVF. We'll see, and fingers crossed.
ATM (ass to mouth - might be where you are going wrong? 😉)In all seriousness though,
I'm 41 and Lady B.J.W is 37. We started trying about 12 months ago. 20 week scan is next week. Hadn't really considered IVF, just a relaxed approach and regular hanky panky. I wouldn't worry too much - I like a glass of red and a cigar. You are both young - I wouldn't stress too much.
B.J.W said:
ATM (ass to mouth - might be where you are going wrong? ??)
In all seriousness though,
I'm 41 and Lady B.J.W is 37. We started trying about 12 months ago. 20 week scan is next week. Hadn't really considered IVF, just a relaxed approach and regular hanky panky. I wouldn't worry too much - I like a glass of red and a cigar. You are both young - I wouldn't stress too much.
Ha.. Ass to mouth and blow job wIn all seriousness though,
I'm 41 and Lady B.J.W is 37. We started trying about 12 months ago. 20 week scan is next week. Hadn't really considered IVF, just a relaxed approach and regular hanky panky. I wouldn't worry too much - I like a glass of red and a cigar. You are both young - I wouldn't stress too much.
ks definitely won't help in this regard. If it doesn't pan out, your life will be a hell of the lot less stressful for the next 16-20 years.
I've got 3 and it is the hardest job in the world and I mean end of your tether exasperation and sometimes questioning if you were meant to be a parent. You won't know this until you have a few.
I have a 17 year old daughter I would be happy to sell for a nominal fee!
I should probably mention that she comes with the usual teenage attitude and is always right!
You would also need to take her 4 horses, 9 guinea pigs and Labrador. Also fund her iPhone, tablet and laptop. She is about to learn to drive, so lessons need to be budgeted for along with the car in the near future.
She has no income other than her allowance (add to budget) so you will also need to factor in the insurance, RFL and fuel for the car as well as the vet's bills, insurance, feed, stabling, grazing, farrier, tack, etc. etc. for the horses.
On the plus side she is not into label clothes or boys (yet).
Offers on the back of £50 notes please....
PS. I hope my tongue-in-cheek reply is taken in a humours vein it is intended as I understand the pain of those that are unable to have a money pit like her, or her two older brothers (weep!!!!).
I should probably mention that she comes with the usual teenage attitude and is always right!
You would also need to take her 4 horses, 9 guinea pigs and Labrador. Also fund her iPhone, tablet and laptop. She is about to learn to drive, so lessons need to be budgeted for along with the car in the near future.
She has no income other than her allowance (add to budget) so you will also need to factor in the insurance, RFL and fuel for the car as well as the vet's bills, insurance, feed, stabling, grazing, farrier, tack, etc. etc. for the horses.
On the plus side she is not into label clothes or boys (yet).
Offers on the back of £50 notes please....
PS. I hope my tongue-in-cheek reply is taken in a humours vein it is intended as I understand the pain of those that are unable to have a money pit like her, or her two older brothers (weep!!!!).
ScotHill said:
Have read that thread (in fact I'm on the end of it) but it generally covers the process of trying. I'm looking for maybe people in their 40s who've had to come to terms with the trying not working while their friends now all have kids.
We married at 28 (both), for the first few years work/career/setting up home were priorities, then when we started 'trying' (or more a case of not taking precautions), it didn't happen. As the years passed we came to the conclusion it wasn't meant to be, so got on with our lives - cars, holidays, cats.As it happens health issues have meant that I am, in hindsight, grateful to not have the physical stresses that it would have added for us both, but that is a separate topic! We're both now early 50s so next year is 25 years married.
Storer said:
I have a 17 year old daughter I would be happy to sell for a nominal fee!
<snip>
Offers on the back of £50 notes please....
PS. I hope my tongue-in-cheek reply is taken in a humours vein it is intended as I understand the pain of those that are unable to have a money pit like her, or her two older brothers (weep!!!!).
My Economics professor used to refer to his teenage children as High Consumption Unit 1 and High Consumption Unit 2...<snip>
Offers on the back of £50 notes please....
PS. I hope my tongue-in-cheek reply is taken in a humours vein it is intended as I understand the pain of those that are unable to have a money pit like her, or her two older brothers (weep!!!!).
To return to the topic, Mrs NNH and I are now in our 40s, and we're mostly reconciled to a childless life. It's something we would have liked, but many factors (not just medical) got in the way. On the other hand, we have nieces and nephews whom we love dearly, and we keep acquiring godchildren as well, so we have a lot of positives. And to put my PH hat on, this means that we can run a Cayman as our only car
Right now, in my early 30s, I'm not fussed on kids, but the missus definitely wants them, so they will be on the cards in the next few years.
Having kids is programmed into us, and a sense of family is always important for the later part of your life. Sure, you might be able to pay off your mortgage early and fk off on holidays 5 times a year, but who is going to wipe your ass and look out for you in your final years? The fancy retirement home only provides so much emotional support...
I'm pretty sure that once I get into the swing of her pregnancy / childhood, then it will be challenging but great. I've got various sets of friends who are the type that will condemn you if you mention that you're tired from work or hobby activities, and that the only proper type of tired is parent tired. (Which boils my piss no end and has probably led to my blasé approach to having kids).
However, I've also now got a couple of friends who have become parents and are quite pragmatic like myself - no moaning, no jibes, just acceptance that it is a massive challenge and they get the fk on with it (and more importantly enjoy it). My sister is very much like me, so it was good to see her start out at a mother as she doesn't complain about the challenges of being a new mum, she just gets on with it.
Having kids is programmed into us, and a sense of family is always important for the later part of your life. Sure, you might be able to pay off your mortgage early and f
k off on holidays 5 times a year, but who is going to wipe your ass and look out for you in your final years? The fancy retirement home only provides so much emotional support...I'm pretty sure that once I get into the swing of her pregnancy / childhood, then it will be challenging but great. I've got various sets of friends who are the type that will condemn you if you mention that you're tired from work or hobby activities, and that the only proper type of tired is parent tired. (Which boils my piss no end and has probably led to my blasé approach to having kids).
However, I've also now got a couple of friends who have become parents and are quite pragmatic like myself - no moaning, no jibes, just acceptance that it is a massive challenge and they get the f
k on with it (and more importantly enjoy it). My sister is very much like me, so it was good to see her start out at a mother as she doesn't complain about the challenges of being a new mum, she just gets on with it. devnull said:
Having kids is programmed into us, and a sense of family is always important for the later part of your life. Sure, you might be able to pay off your mortgage early and fk off on holidays 5 times a year, but who is going to wipe your ass and look out for you in your final years? The fancy retirement home only provides so much emotional support...
That's an interesting one. My parents upped sticks and migrated from London to an assisted living village in the Cotswolds a couple of years ago. This village is full of pleasant couple and singles, almost all of whom have families and talk often of their many, many grandchildren. k off on holidays 5 times a year, but who is going to wipe your ass and look out for you in your final years? The fancy retirement home only provides so much emotional support...And yet, my children are the only grand children you'll ever see playing in the gardens, swimming or using any of the family services. And my car will be the only non residents car that you'll see.
I think that since the Boomers built all these homes to not have the hassle of having their parents knocking around their nice big house clashing with the Dunelm we have become used to the concept of farming old people out to an overseas corporation to have little Filipino and angry Polish people yammer incoherently at them.
As such, I think a lot of people are going to have a bit of a surprise when the people they've raised, financed and supported turn up one day and have you carted off in the back of a van to a cube farm.
Sure, childless couples are guaranteed loneliness in that regard when they are older but it won't come as the shock that it will to those with children who thought they might come and visit and the other key importance is that the childless couple will have learnt how to fill their life with the exact sort of thing an old couple need to be doing to fill their day while the ones who spent most of their life raising children will be standing there asking just what the juddering f
k they are supposed to be doing now they don't have a job or any children to raise. Generally, life is swings and roundabouts and we are programmed to simply cope without noticing things that never happen. If you don't have kids then you just end up living a different life. No better, no worse.
The real issue is if someone is so desperate to have kids that it impacts their mental state or if someone has kids and then realised they never wanted them. But for the vast majority it is irrelevant whether they do or not. It either happens or it doesn't and either way you still have a great life but just doing different things.
DonkeyApple said:
That's an interesting one. My parents upped sticks and migrated from London to an assisted living village in the Cotswolds a couple of years ago. This village is full of pleasant couple and singles, almost all of whom have families and talk often of their many, many grandchildren.
And yet, my children are the only grand children you'll ever see playing in the gardens, swimming or using any of the family services. And my car will be the only non residents car that you'll see.
I think that since the Boomers built all these homes to not have the hassle of having their parents knocking around their nice big house clashing with the Dunelm we have become used to the concept of farming old people out to an overseas corporation to have little Filipino and angry Polish people yammer incoherently at them.
As such, I think a lot of people are going to have a bit of a surprise when the people they've raised, financed and supported turn up one day and have you carted off in the back of a van to a cube farm.
Sure, childless couples are guaranteed loneliness in that regard when they are older but it won't come as the shock that it will to those with children who thought they might come and visit and the other key importance is that the childless couple will have learnt how to fill their life with the exact sort of thing an old couple need to be doing to fill their day while the ones who spent most of their life raising children will be standing there asking just what the juddering fk they are supposed to be doing now they don't have a job or any children to raise.
Generally, life is swings and roundabouts and we are programmed to simply cope without noticing things that never happen. If you don't have kids then you just end up living a different life. No better, no worse.
The real issue is if someone is so desperate to have kids that it impacts their mental state or if someone has kids and then realised they never wanted them. But for the vast majority it is irrelevant whether they do or not. It either happens or it doesn't and either way you still have a great life but just doing different things.
All good points.And yet, my children are the only grand children you'll ever see playing in the gardens, swimming or using any of the family services. And my car will be the only non residents car that you'll see.
I think that since the Boomers built all these homes to not have the hassle of having their parents knocking around their nice big house clashing with the Dunelm we have become used to the concept of farming old people out to an overseas corporation to have little Filipino and angry Polish people yammer incoherently at them.
As such, I think a lot of people are going to have a bit of a surprise when the people they've raised, financed and supported turn up one day and have you carted off in the back of a van to a cube farm.
Sure, childless couples are guaranteed loneliness in that regard when they are older but it won't come as the shock that it will to those with children who thought they might come and visit and the other key importance is that the childless couple will have learnt how to fill their life with the exact sort of thing an old couple need to be doing to fill their day while the ones who spent most of their life raising children will be standing there asking just what the juddering f
k they are supposed to be doing now they don't have a job or any children to raise. Generally, life is swings and roundabouts and we are programmed to simply cope without noticing things that never happen. If you don't have kids then you just end up living a different life. No better, no worse.
The real issue is if someone is so desperate to have kids that it impacts their mental state or if someone has kids and then realised they never wanted them. But for the vast majority it is irrelevant whether they do or not. It either happens or it doesn't and either way you still have a great life but just doing different things.
My job brings me into contact with folk getting toward the ends of their lives and some of them live a tragic existence that you really question as to being worthwhile. These are usually the ones who have no close family or have family that have moved away and only visit once in a blue moon. There daily needs are met by hired help and daytime TV. You then get the other end of the spectrum where the children live local and can't do enough for their ailing parents, that is nice to see.
Like you say though, swing and roundabouts. I have friends that actively decided not to have kids, they have a great life and I'm jealous of them sometimes. Will that change over the years, probably.
As has been said, having kids is a tortuous business. It can be life affirming and wonderful one minute and the next you want to drop kick the little f
kers into next week, go to the shop for some bread and milk and not come back for 6 years. Maybe that's just me though 
Also, the number of kids you have makes a massive difference.1 kid = No harder than having a cat
2 kids = A bit harder but manageable
3 kids = All bets are off - you will always have at least one of them moaning at something, hitting the other 2 or some kind of disruption. This is where it gets stressful. Also your car choice is now completely buggered.
4 kids = See 3 kids but add in a stress coefficient of 1.2
5 kids = you have mental health problems
etc
etc
Our first was IVF (our 2nd was nearly IVF too but things worked). They are currently 2, 4 and 7 so we get some challenging behaviours, it chills out massively as they all get older though hopefully, try reasoning with a 4 year old over why it doesn't matter that her sock crease is slightly off horizontal, you just can't, get a new pair of socks.
To summaries. You will never now if you are cut out for having kids until you have some. Despite your best intentions to be "the worlds best mum/dad", sometimes it's just hard and you wish they'd leave you alone for a bit. And, if you're Mrs is desperate to have kids and you end up not being able to, it can end your relationship, nearly did in our case. Girls are mental.
I do want kids but only when I'm about 30.
My view is of a kid based on ages
0-1 - Literally poos cries and pisses everywhere
1-4 - Do some funny things
5-11 - Finally they can go to school, excellent they are out of my hair
11-16 - Secondary school, again they are out of my hair except I can now leave them at home by themselves.
16-18 - Further education great. They can now get a job and start paying me rent.
18 + - Uni or move the F out.
The thing about kids for me is when everyone has kids and they think their kid is the best, being a parent seems to bring a whole new level of smugness.
My view is of a kid based on ages
0-1 - Literally poos cries and pisses everywhere
1-4 - Do some funny things
5-11 - Finally they can go to school, excellent they are out of my hair
11-16 - Secondary school, again they are out of my hair except I can now leave them at home by themselves.
16-18 - Further education great. They can now get a job and start paying me rent.
18 + - Uni or move the F out.
The thing about kids for me is when everyone has kids and they think their kid is the best, being a parent seems to bring a whole new level of smugness.
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