How to call someone for the last time?
Discussion
A tricky one I'd appreciate some I put with please.
In short my Dad's found out that an old friend who he hasn't spoken to in 30 years (odd Christmas card excepted) is expected to die from cancer shortly. This person has had a MASSIVE influence on him in the past, and really set him on the path he's taken through out his life.
Dad wants to call but is at a complete loss as to how to go about it.
I'm out of ideas as at 33 Ive still got 3 of my grandparents left so haven't really dealt with death.
Any thoughts welcome
In short my Dad's found out that an old friend who he hasn't spoken to in 30 years (odd Christmas card excepted) is expected to die from cancer shortly. This person has had a MASSIVE influence on him in the past, and really set him on the path he's taken through out his life.
Dad wants to call but is at a complete loss as to how to go about it.
I'm out of ideas as at 33 Ive still got 3 of my grandparents left so haven't really dealt with death.
Any thoughts welcome
kiethton said:
Is it not appropriate/possible to visit in person?
Far prefer to do things face to face, you loose so much body language over the phone that half the time you don't see the full picture/pickup on the important things not visible over the phone
Difficult, the family may not want all & sundry turning up. Their relative will get tired very quickly; especially if it is an emotional visit (and other peoples emotions are very wearing on cancer patients!). Which means they will not be 'there' enough when family visit.Far prefer to do things face to face, you loose so much body language over the phone that half the time you don't see the full picture/pickup on the important things not visible over the phone
We hated doing it, but with the full support of the Hospice we ended up saying 'visits to be kept to 10 minutes' and then finally 'Family Only' in Mum's last week.
kiethton said:
Is it not appropriate/possible to visit in person?
Far prefer to do things face to face, you loose so much body language over the phone that half the time you don't see the full picture/pickup on the important things not visible over the phone
I'd go for this if at all possible - would mean a lot more than a phonecall. Half an hour spent sitting by his bedside would probably mean a lot more than a voice from 30 years ago that he might not even remember.Far prefer to do things face to face, you loose so much body language over the phone that half the time you don't see the full picture/pickup on the important things not visible over the phone
Roscco said:
hasn't spoken to in 30 years (odd Christmas card excepted)
Why do people send Christmas cards to people they don't speak to? I still get Christmas cards for the people I bought my house from, I have been there 20 years. If they have not bothered to contact each other properly for the past 30 year, why would they want to now? Obviously not interested in speaking then, why now?
For the sake of the chap dying, it's be much nicer to do a visit in person. If that's not possible/family don't want it etc, then a call. However, has your Dad considered writing a letter - which will not only mean a lot to the guy in question I'm sure, but will provide something the family can hold on to as well, evidence of a legacy if you like.
Cheers for the input so far, I agree that after 30 years friendship can't be that strong but on the same note some stuff goes beyond that so although not great kind of irrelevant.
Visiting is not an option but would be better I agree.
The man in question knows who my Dad is, they used to be a kind of group with 4 of them all very close but very divided. 3 of them have spoken, just Dad left.
I think Dad just wants to say Thanks for some great times that won't be forgotten and your input on my life, and I think he'll offer some comfort in reminiscing, its just, how do you say bye.....
Forget the situation and think this, how would you call someone you know won't be there again?
Visiting is not an option but would be better I agree.
The man in question knows who my Dad is, they used to be a kind of group with 4 of them all very close but very divided. 3 of them have spoken, just Dad left.
I think Dad just wants to say Thanks for some great times that won't be forgotten and your input on my life, and I think he'll offer some comfort in reminiscing, its just, how do you say bye.....
Forget the situation and think this, how would you call someone you know won't be there again?
Roscco said:
hasn't spoken to in 30 years (odd Christmas card excepted)
So why the talk all of a sudden now? Let him die and let it be, he's clearly not that important if it's been 30 years, I mean come on, 30 years is a ridiculous amount of time. If anything it's more insulting some chap turning up to reconcile purely on the basis that you're on your deathbed. I'd tell the person to f
k off and let me die in peace.Crossflow Kid said:
If they haven't spoken in 30 years their friendship can't be that strong.
This isn't always the case, my Dad had friends from University turn up in his last weeks and at his funeral, the way they talked was like it was days since they last talked.Some people's lives just go separate ways, they may not speak for years but there's still a bond there.
Crossflow Kid said:
If they haven't spoken in 30 years their friendship can't be that strong.
They are two blokes, not a couple of Dorises facebooking each other every thirty seconds in fear that one might think 'there's a problem between them'. 
To the OP: it's simple, don't hide anything, the other chap knows full well what every single incoming call is about. Just make the call and tell him how important he has been as an influence/role model etc. It'll be the best conversation he has all day. As above, they are blokes not birds.
DonkeyApple said:
Crossflow Kid said:
If they haven't spoken in 30 years their friendship can't be that strong.
They are two blokes, not a couple of Dorises facebooking each other every thirty seconds in fear that one might think 'there's a problem between them'. To the OP: it's simple, don't hide anything, the other chap knows full well what every single incoming call is about. Just make the call and tell him how important he has been as an influence/role model etc. It'll be the best conversation he has all day. As above, they are blokes not birds.
Iv just had experience of precisely this this weekend. I went to a school reunion with people I hadn't seen for 20 years. Time has gone by and we have al changed a lot, but the common past we shared gave us topics of conversation. Reminiscing is the answer as to what he should speak to him about!
Sadly I then had to go from the school straight up to visit my grandmother, who also had terminal cancer. Going in to see her was so hard (especially as it turned out she'd had a stroke as well and couldn't really communicate) but I was so happy I saw her, especially as she died yesterday morning. I'd told her the things I needed to, and hopefully she knew I'd been there and seen her so she knew I was thinking of her which is all I could do in the circumstances.
Long story short, in my opinion he needs to think about what he wants to say prior to ringing. Try to stick to happier times, but definately ring!
Sadly I then had to go from the school straight up to visit my grandmother, who also had terminal cancer. Going in to see her was so hard (especially as it turned out she'd had a stroke as well and couldn't really communicate) but I was so happy I saw her, especially as she died yesterday morning. I'd told her the things I needed to, and hopefully she knew I'd been there and seen her so she knew I was thinking of her which is all I could do in the circumstances.
Long story short, in my opinion he needs to think about what he wants to say prior to ringing. Try to stick to happier times, but definately ring!
Previous couple of posts are on the money. If I was going to make this call I'd have something in mind to open the conversation, something like "very sorry to hear you're unwell ... when I heard news got me think about past and I realised how important/formative our friendship was and hire it set me up ... ". He can then call your Dad a mincing Doris before they reminisce/take the piss etc. And sign off by wishing him good luck. There are some people to whom you could say directly "sorry you're about to die", but not so many and it isn't obligatory.
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