Army brats/transnational globetrotters and Settling.
Discussion
I come from pretty rubbish town in the middle of nowhere and when I was younger could't wait to leave the place as far behind as possible. I do, however, often feel conflicted when I catch up with old schoolfriends, etc, who have "jobs" instead of careers and have settled down early in their go-nowhere town, completely unaware of what might have been out there for them if only they'd known. They have a happiness I'll probably never know because my expectations have always been higher than what I could have achieved at home, which has been a good and a bad thing.
The thought of being "the boy done good", and the imagined responsibility of getting somewhere from nowhere (even though noone else normal actually cares) has probably always subconsciously been a driver for me even though I can consciously dismiss it.
I've often wondered how postdoc highly-educated globetrotters raised in foreign schools and belonging to no country feel about stuff like this? Or army kids who never had a place they associate with as home? Are you comfortable with the idea of chasing a career into old age, do you view life in small five year/project chunks or take it day by day until you find a place you think "yeah, this will do", and settle down? What is the yardstick by which you view having seen and done enough to contemplate staying in a place/with people for good?
The thought of being "the boy done good", and the imagined responsibility of getting somewhere from nowhere (even though noone else normal actually cares) has probably always subconsciously been a driver for me even though I can consciously dismiss it.
I've often wondered how postdoc highly-educated globetrotters raised in foreign schools and belonging to no country feel about stuff like this? Or army kids who never had a place they associate with as home? Are you comfortable with the idea of chasing a career into old age, do you view life in small five year/project chunks or take it day by day until you find a place you think "yeah, this will do", and settle down? What is the yardstick by which you view having seen and done enough to contemplate staying in a place/with people for good?
I'm a "Scaley Brat" (Child of an career RAF father) and we moved about a fair bit until I hit secondary school age when my dad managed to spend the rest of his career at the same base, meaning we as a family were able to get settled. Parents are Geordies, I was born in Suffolk, lived in Lincolnshire then ended up in Oxfordshire where we all settled. The family is still there, but I joined the RAF and moved around myself. I'm out now but have ended up in Kent, and after nearly six years of being here I'm fairly settled and may well stay here for the forseeable future.
I think the way I see it is I go where the work is, taking things one day at a time mainly. When I initially moved to Kent I only intended staying there a couple of years until I could get a good job back home, but that never panned out and now I have a good job here, so I've started to see where I am now as home.
I think the way I see it is I go where the work is, taking things one day at a time mainly. When I initially moved to Kent I only intended staying there a couple of years until I could get a good job back home, but that never panned out and now I have a good job here, so I've started to see where I am now as home.
Can't claim to be a career high flyer but I have moved around a fair bit. I am not motivated by returning to my home town and lording it over anybody.
As for where I live currently, the view out of the window is hugely enjoyable but if it's the view I am going to have for the rest of my life you might as well bury me now.
As for where I live currently, the view out of the window is hugely enjoyable but if it's the view I am going to have for the rest of my life you might as well bury me now.
My home town is Hull... enough said.
Im currently sat on the balcony drinking a coffee in Darling harbour Sydney where I will be for the next X months, whilst working in Singapore/Hong Kong/Tokyo... folks back in my home town are happy being teachers or working for local dixons... I however am not.
Usually Im in London, but give it a few years and I will move to Helsinki to settle down.
Im currently sat on the balcony drinking a coffee in Darling harbour Sydney where I will be for the next X months, whilst working in Singapore/Hong Kong/Tokyo... folks back in my home town are happy being teachers or working for local dixons... I however am not.
Usually Im in London, but give it a few years and I will move to Helsinki to settle down.
Moved about loads as a child
Bedford,Wakefield,Glasgow,Middlesborough,Nottingham,Swindon,London,Bristol
Went to boarding school, all my peers there live everywhere
I look at my stepsons( all now 25 plus) still mates with the kids they went to nursery with, and think you lucky lads,
I have no 'childhood friends'
Wouldn't wish it on anyone
Yes you need to know a bit more than your own postcode and the greek holiday islands but turning your childhood over every 3 years is a bit s***
Not sure where i would call home
Bedford,Wakefield,Glasgow,Middlesborough,Nottingham,Swindon,London,Bristol
Went to boarding school, all my peers there live everywhere
I look at my stepsons( all now 25 plus) still mates with the kids they went to nursery with, and think you lucky lads,
I have no 'childhood friends'
Wouldn't wish it on anyone
Yes you need to know a bit more than your own postcode and the greek holiday islands but turning your childhood over every 3 years is a bit s***
Not sure where i would call home
bristolracer said:
Moved about loads as a child
Bedford,Wakefield,Glasgow,Middlesborough,Nottingham,Swindon,London,Bristol
Went to boarding school, all my peers there live everywhere
I look at my stepsons( all now 25 plus) still mates with the kids they went to nursery with, and think you lucky lads,
I have no 'childhood friends'
Wouldn't wish it on anyone
Yes you need to know a bit more than your own postcode and the greek holiday islands but turning your childhood over every 3 years is a bit s***
Not sure where i would call home
Thing is Im the same... Bedford,Wakefield,Glasgow,Middlesborough,Nottingham,Swindon,London,Bristol
Went to boarding school, all my peers there live everywhere
I look at my stepsons( all now 25 plus) still mates with the kids they went to nursery with, and think you lucky lads,
I have no 'childhood friends'
Wouldn't wish it on anyone
Yes you need to know a bit more than your own postcode and the greek holiday islands but turning your childhood over every 3 years is a bit s***
Not sure where i would call home
I grew up and had great friends, but at the age of 18, my destiny lie elsewhere than Hull, all my friends stayed there in boring (I assume fun for them) lives, I moved to Leeds and drifted from my Hull friends. I stayed in Leeds for 10 years had great friends, but I needed more as work was boring...
I moved to London and began the stage Im going through at the moment, I still kind of stay in contact with my friends from Leeds, but I don't go back very often as London is my place and I get regular visitors from Leeds all the time.
I did settle down a bit in London, bought a place, have a fantastic OH, etc.
My next journey is currently Australia with work, it could be 6 months (12 is the plan), it could be the rest of my life, who knows, I do miss the folks from London, but then its only been 4 months and Im kind of starting again from scratch in my 30s.
My old friends in Hull (I see when I visit my folks) are happy with the same pub, the same life, the same everything, many have not travelled further than ibiza and thats an exotic holiday for them...
The list of places I have done is a little more exciting, like hanging out in Cairo during the revolution in Egypt, freezing my ass off in -25 in the arctic circle, swimming through a school of barracuda whilst scuba diving, etc, etc...
I do believe they might have a greater idea of happiness as they are still friends with everyone we all knew from the age of 4, Im now the outsider, the high flyer who comes back once in a while...
As my other half puts it... Im afflicted with some type of Aspergers (never been tested but have the traits) and need to be engage work wise, etc otherwise I get bored and loose the will to do anything, so I constantly move around and have to do things, some day I may find that certain location that we decide is ours and want to stay there, at the moment we have a life our friends back home can only dream of.
I enjoy what I do and only really care if my OH is around with me, otherwise I would be happy in my own company and don't care if don't have to interact with others.
Won't settle down until we retire. Had a transient childhood, then after college spent couple of years in London, couple of years in Japan, five years in Indonesia, about 15 years (in different stints) in HK, and now about to move to Singapore. As long as the wife is happy, this is fine.
bristolracer said:
Moved about loads as a child
Bedford,Wakefield,Glasgow,Middlesborough,Nottingham,Swindon,London,Bristol
Went to boarding school, all my peers there live everywhere
I look at my stepsons( all now 25 plus) still mates with the kids they went to nursery with, and think you lucky lads,
I have no 'childhood friends'
Wouldn't wish it on anyone
Yes you need to know a bit more than your own postcode and the greek holiday islands but turning your childhood over every 3 years is a bit s***
Not sure where i would call home
Same as me, with out the boarding school. Bedford,Wakefield,Glasgow,Middlesborough,Nottingham,Swindon,London,Bristol
Went to boarding school, all my peers there live everywhere
I look at my stepsons( all now 25 plus) still mates with the kids they went to nursery with, and think you lucky lads,
I have no 'childhood friends'
Wouldn't wish it on anyone
Yes you need to know a bit more than your own postcode and the greek holiday islands but turning your childhood over every 3 years is a bit s***
Not sure where i would call home
I'm one of those people that doesnt really get attached to places or miss family, which is one of the reasons I'm now in NZ.
Du1point8 said:
My home town is Hull... enough said.
Im currently sat on the balcony drinking a coffee in Darling harbour Sydney where I will be for the next X months, whilst working in Singapore/Hong Kong/Tokyo... folks back in my home town are happy being teachers or working for local dixons... I however am not.
Usually Im in London, but give it a few years and I will move to Helsinki to settle down.
How bizarre! My home town is also Hull (anlaby) and living in Sydney (Randwick). Although feel I'm probably in a different point to life as you, currently coming to the end of my 2nd year WHV and hoping to gain 457 sponsorship. Im currently sat on the balcony drinking a coffee in Darling harbour Sydney where I will be for the next X months, whilst working in Singapore/Hong Kong/Tokyo... folks back in my home town are happy being teachers or working for local dixons... I however am not.
Usually Im in London, but give it a few years and I will move to Helsinki to settle down.
I've actively chosen to move around and see the world in my working and personal life.
At the moment I work in the middle east and live in South East Asia. Plans to travel several countries in the latter part of this year.
Yard stick measurements? That'll do/That's enough? Don't care to measure it and Unlikely to happen for me. I enjoy it too much and can't settle for monotony or be surrounded by people who do for very long.
If there's one thing that living in a Buddhist country teaches you is not to over think the small stuff, take each day as it is and simply try and enjoy the ride. Or just apply the good 'ol ying and yang thing. Can't have one without the other etc etc...
At the moment I work in the middle east and live in South East Asia. Plans to travel several countries in the latter part of this year.
Yard stick measurements? That'll do/That's enough? Don't care to measure it and Unlikely to happen for me. I enjoy it too much and can't settle for monotony or be surrounded by people who do for very long.
If there's one thing that living in a Buddhist country teaches you is not to over think the small stuff, take each day as it is and simply try and enjoy the ride. Or just apply the good 'ol ying and yang thing. Can't have one without the other etc etc...
The OP sort of strikes a chord with me.
I was born and raised in a small town but it just wasn't for me. I HAD to leave for something better. Whilst I'm settled in Bristol and not especially well travelled, I do wonder why my friends haven't left.
I'm sure they get some comfort of having all their childhood friends around the corner, able to go for a night out knowing they'll bump into other people that they know.
I'm not sure what they think of me... seeing photos of me racing my car on Facebook probably doesn't help
I was born and raised in a small town but it just wasn't for me. I HAD to leave for something better. Whilst I'm settled in Bristol and not especially well travelled, I do wonder why my friends haven't left.
I'm sure they get some comfort of having all their childhood friends around the corner, able to go for a night out knowing they'll bump into other people that they know.
I'm not sure what they think of me... seeing photos of me racing my car on Facebook probably doesn't help
Strikes a chord here also.
When I was 18 I had my childhood friends id known most my life; pretty much lived within 2 min walk of each other, knock on doors to then go have a kick about or to the pub - great times with smiles and happiness but yearned for more. I raised this with them many many times probing what their aspirations in life are, what their "must do before you die" bucket list and so on - the response was always the same. Find a hot girl, settle down, get a job - anything will do and go to the local. I got so fed up asking them to do something interesting beyond our local town I knuckled down and went my own way in life.
I think the turning point was asking them (a bunch of car nut lads) to go see a Bugatti Veyron in a town nearby - it's unheard of to do that (this was when a Veyron had just been released and a friend of a friend had one in a warehouse prior to delivery and offered to show it but no drive, etc). To me it was like a chance to see an A-list celebrity or a rocket or something. My mates just mocked me, which to this day I still don't know why and instead wanted to go to the pub to spend their afternoon. Pub or Veyron. Hmmm. I knew we were going on different paths.
I wanted more - much more. I wanted to see jungles, famous landmarks, live in a nicer area with a bigger house and look back on life knowing I gave it my best shot. I certainly never rub it in anyone's face. I've moved away from them all now for over 10 years. I still miss them in some ways as I've lost contact and I'll never ever go back. I see on their Facebook posts they still go to the same pub with the same people - it's like their minds are simple. The farthest they have gone was on an easy jet to Ibiza for a week or two to get trashed (not my thing). They're starting to look like a bunch of sad balding beer bellied men now and not people I identified / grew up with (no offence to anyone here). They work overnight shifts stocking warehouses, fixing people's drains - nothing aspirational.
I said to myself they'll be born in that town, live in that town and die in that town. In my eyes that's very sad but who am I to judge. I'm so sooooooo glad I had the confidence to do my own thing see the world and I'm not in a soul destroying job because I couldn't be bothered to try when I was younger.
When I was 18 I had my childhood friends id known most my life; pretty much lived within 2 min walk of each other, knock on doors to then go have a kick about or to the pub - great times with smiles and happiness but yearned for more. I raised this with them many many times probing what their aspirations in life are, what their "must do before you die" bucket list and so on - the response was always the same. Find a hot girl, settle down, get a job - anything will do and go to the local. I got so fed up asking them to do something interesting beyond our local town I knuckled down and went my own way in life.
I think the turning point was asking them (a bunch of car nut lads) to go see a Bugatti Veyron in a town nearby - it's unheard of to do that (this was when a Veyron had just been released and a friend of a friend had one in a warehouse prior to delivery and offered to show it but no drive, etc). To me it was like a chance to see an A-list celebrity or a rocket or something. My mates just mocked me, which to this day I still don't know why and instead wanted to go to the pub to spend their afternoon. Pub or Veyron. Hmmm. I knew we were going on different paths.
I wanted more - much more. I wanted to see jungles, famous landmarks, live in a nicer area with a bigger house and look back on life knowing I gave it my best shot. I certainly never rub it in anyone's face. I've moved away from them all now for over 10 years. I still miss them in some ways as I've lost contact and I'll never ever go back. I see on their Facebook posts they still go to the same pub with the same people - it's like their minds are simple. The farthest they have gone was on an easy jet to Ibiza for a week or two to get trashed (not my thing). They're starting to look like a bunch of sad balding beer bellied men now and not people I identified / grew up with (no offence to anyone here). They work overnight shifts stocking warehouses, fixing people's drains - nothing aspirational.
I said to myself they'll be born in that town, live in that town and die in that town. In my eyes that's very sad but who am I to judge. I'm so sooooooo glad I had the confidence to do my own thing see the world and I'm not in a soul destroying job because I couldn't be bothered to try when I was younger.
supraboy said:
Du1point8 said:
My home town is Hull... enough said.
Im currently sat on the balcony drinking a coffee in Darling harbour Sydney where I will be for the next X months, whilst working in Singapore/Hong Kong/Tokyo... folks back in my home town are happy being teachers or working for local dixons... I however am not.
Usually Im in London, but give it a few years and I will move to Helsinki to settle down.
How bizarre! My home town is also Hull (anlaby) and living in Sydney (Randwick). Although feel I'm probably in a different point to life as you, currently coming to the end of my 2nd year WHV and hoping to gain 457 sponsorship. Im currently sat on the balcony drinking a coffee in Darling harbour Sydney where I will be for the next X months, whilst working in Singapore/Hong Kong/Tokyo... folks back in my home town are happy being teachers or working for local dixons... I however am not.
Usually Im in London, but give it a few years and I will move to Helsinki to settle down.
Hull for me was Burton Pidsea (10mins east of Bilton), Im down in Darling Harbour and my 457 is a week from being authorised.
In a way I envy people who are happy with what they've got. My wife's ant and uncle seem happy going to the same pub or bowling and having one holiday to the same place each year, but it would drive me mad.
I've worked around the UK and europe and have always tried to move forwards.
I'm now in a position of having a good job, a nice house etc and I'm pretty settled at 39.
The problem is that I don't deal well with nothing to work towards.
I'm now trying to spend money on experiences rather than things so will hopefully be taking 9 weeks out next year to go to New Zealand for a month as part of a round the world ticket. I'm also considering motorcycling across the USA as part of the same journey.
I've worked around the UK and europe and have always tried to move forwards.
I'm now in a position of having a good job, a nice house etc and I'm pretty settled at 39.
The problem is that I don't deal well with nothing to work towards.
I'm now trying to spend money on experiences rather than things so will hopefully be taking 9 weeks out next year to go to New Zealand for a month as part of a round the world ticket. I'm also considering motorcycling across the USA as part of the same journey.
glazbagun said:
I come from pretty rubbish town in the middle of nowhere and when I was younger could't wait to leave the place as far behind as possible. I do, however, often feel conflicted when I catch up with old schoolfriends, etc, who have "jobs" instead of careers and have settled down early in their go-nowhere town, completely unaware of what might have been out there for them if only they'd known. They have a happiness I'll probably never know because my expectations have always been higher than what I could have achieved at home, which has been a good and a bad thing.
The thought of being "the boy done good", and the imagined responsibility of getting somewhere from nowhere (even though noone else normal actually cares) has probably always subconsciously been a driver for me even though I can consciously dismiss it.
I've often wondered how postdoc highly-educated globetrotters raised in foreign schools and belonging to no country feel about stuff like this? Or army kids who never had a place they associate with as home? Are you comfortable with the idea of chasing a career into old age, do you view life in small five year/project chunks or take it day by day until you find a place you think "yeah, this will do", and settle down? What is the yardstick by which you view having seen and done enough to contemplate staying in a place/with people for good?
From my experience, the kids who move around are no different from you and your contemporaries. Most are happy to settle and a few have a need for bigger and better things. The only difference is that the majority who wish to just settle have nowhere to actually settle, nowhere with true roots. So none of the happiness. The financial expat communities are full of such people as it is a system that allows them to keep moving and putting off for as long as possible the fact they will ultimately have to settle somewhere. In short, lots of unsettled blokes who drink too much and seemingly struggle to hold onto a relationship. The thought of being "the boy done good", and the imagined responsibility of getting somewhere from nowhere (even though noone else normal actually cares) has probably always subconsciously been a driver for me even though I can consciously dismiss it.
I've often wondered how postdoc highly-educated globetrotters raised in foreign schools and belonging to no country feel about stuff like this? Or army kids who never had a place they associate with as home? Are you comfortable with the idea of chasing a career into old age, do you view life in small five year/project chunks or take it day by day until you find a place you think "yeah, this will do", and settle down? What is the yardstick by which you view having seen and done enough to contemplate staying in a place/with people for good?
Generally, I think we humans have it about right. Most people are content to stay where they are and it is only a modest proportion who have a mindset which is too large for their home community to satiate. Although in recent years the conventional routes for an 18 year old to escape the gravitational pull of their home town/village have been hit hard but that is a separate issue.
As for returning? What's the upside? You won't have been part of any of their lives for decades, you always had a different mindset and it's hardly likely that you'll ever fit in. I'd go and find some other town/area that fits better who you are rather than trying to force yourself to fit one you already know doesn't.
Settling...that's when you get a dog.
I did a lot of traveling as a student to places one can't go to now. Glad I did.
I'm now on my fourth country of residence (and have a dog)
I've often given some thought re returning to UK, I've discussed it with some of my UK friends. Their reply to a man was "Why would you want to do that".
Financially it would be tough, a house would take a large chunk of my money, not sure I would want to shell out for something I consider "stupidly overpriced".
At least I'm in a position to still have a choice.
Regarding fitting in, well if you can "fit in" in foreign climes it shouldn't be too difficult to settle back in to UK, you already have the adaptability gene.
Never underestimate the cost of changing countries.
I did a lot of traveling as a student to places one can't go to now. Glad I did.
I'm now on my fourth country of residence (and have a dog
)I've often given some thought re returning to UK, I've discussed it with some of my UK friends. Their reply to a man was "Why would you want to do that".
Financially it would be tough, a house would take a large chunk of my money, not sure I would want to shell out for something I consider "stupidly overpriced".
At least I'm in a position to still have a choice.
Regarding fitting in, well if you can "fit in" in foreign climes it shouldn't be too difficult to settle back in to UK, you already have the adaptability gene.
Never underestimate the cost of changing countries.
Not the son of military personnel, but my fathers career moved us around the UK very frequently during my childhood. I was not at any one school for more than 18 months and making new friends, adjusting to unfamiliar curriculum etc wasn't easy.
The moves we made during my teens were difficult because "the new kid" always attracted the attention of the school-yard bully and his cronies. This situation really helped me develop some social skills, but I had more than my fair share of punch-ups too.
Consequently I didn't have a huge amount of enthusiasm for school and left at the earliest opportunity with just my 'O'Levels and a fair degree of resentment, fueled in no small part by my 5th year form teacher standing me up in class immediately prior to us all sitting our exams and announcing, "Harper, you will never amount to anything".
My father recently told me how much he regretted disrupting his children's formative years, but the reality is that I am one of eight and his promotions and associated moves were just as much about keeping us all fed and clothed as they were about career gratification.
I have found that moving frequently in my adult life was easy to do, never required a lot of soul-searching and gave a lot of opportunity for adventure and advancement.
I made a lot of good friends as a youngster (because I was forced to by my circumstances), many of them still live in the same town they were born and grew up in. I suspect that in general, they are no more or less happy than I am and I don't feel I am any more accomplished than my more static friends, just because I have moved around a bit.
Leaving the UK was tough for my wife and daughter, both of whom moved only locally (same county) previously. For me it was a very easy decision.
The moves we made during my teens were difficult because "the new kid" always attracted the attention of the school-yard bully and his cronies. This situation really helped me develop some social skills, but I had more than my fair share of punch-ups too.
Consequently I didn't have a huge amount of enthusiasm for school and left at the earliest opportunity with just my 'O'Levels and a fair degree of resentment, fueled in no small part by my 5th year form teacher standing me up in class immediately prior to us all sitting our exams and announcing, "Harper, you will never amount to anything".
My father recently told me how much he regretted disrupting his children's formative years, but the reality is that I am one of eight and his promotions and associated moves were just as much about keeping us all fed and clothed as they were about career gratification.
I have found that moving frequently in my adult life was easy to do, never required a lot of soul-searching and gave a lot of opportunity for adventure and advancement.
I made a lot of good friends as a youngster (because I was forced to by my circumstances), many of them still live in the same town they were born and grew up in. I suspect that in general, they are no more or less happy than I am and I don't feel I am any more accomplished than my more static friends, just because I have moved around a bit.
Leaving the UK was tough for my wife and daughter, both of whom moved only locally (same county) previously. For me it was a very easy decision.
bristolracer said:
I look at my stepsons( all now 25 plus) still mates with the kids they went to nursery with, and think you lucky lads,
I have no 'childhood friends'
I grew up in one place to 21, and was in touch with only one or two "childhood friends" by 21. It's healthy to evolve and change circles - we all change as people - most people do change circles anyway through different catchment areas for primary, middle and secondary school.I have no 'childhood friends'
Probably not good to hang on too much to this ideal, it's not typical?
bristolracer said:
Moved about loads as a child
Bedford,Wakefield,Glasgow,Middlesborough,Nottingham,Swindon,London,Bristol
Went to boarding school, all my peers there live everywhere
I look at my stepsons( all now 25 plus) still mates with the kids they went to nursery with, and think you lucky lads,
I have no 'childhood friends'
Wouldn't wish it on anyone
Yes you need to know a bit more than your own postcode and the greek holiday islands but turning your childhood over every 3 years is a bit s***
Not sure where i would call home
Same here.Bedford,Wakefield,Glasgow,Middlesborough,Nottingham,Swindon,London,Bristol
Went to boarding school, all my peers there live everywhere
I look at my stepsons( all now 25 plus) still mates with the kids they went to nursery with, and think you lucky lads,
I have no 'childhood friends'
Wouldn't wish it on anyone
Yes you need to know a bit more than your own postcode and the greek holiday islands but turning your childhood over every 3 years is a bit s***
Not sure where i would call home
Army brat growing up, was born in Aldershot but have moved about and lived in more houses than I can remember including Germany.Eventually the family settled in the W. Yorkshire area as it was good for my younger brothers access to St James' hospital for medical reasons.
I was probably a bit old by this point though and although my brothers consider it home I do not, I went off to uni is Scotland and now live in Wales. I have never felt like I had a specific 'home' place, when I go to Yorkshire it's just where my Mum lives and where my Fiance is from but I could take or leave it.
I don't feel a connection to anywhere really (maybe Scotland most but that's probably due to length of time and 'formative' status). As above I also don't have any friends from childhood as they were from all over and mobile phones weren't even a thing (well, they were, I'm only 29 but I didn't get one till I was older than they do these days!)
TLDR I moved about a lot, I don't feel I have a home location, it doesn't seem to cause me an issue, if I want to career chase it would be an advantage but I do think I will find it difficult to settle long term and feel at home.
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