Looked at the Wife's Emails
Discussion
I'm using an alternate username for this post but could do with a bit of advice. I'll try to keep it brief...
The wife cracked the screen on her phone a while back so it was difficult to use it as the screen didn't behave properly. I said I'd have a look at trying to recover some stuff off it for her. I got a USB OTG cable so I could plug a mouse into it and was then able to drive her phone. Did what I needed to do but then out of curiosity (I know it killed the cat) started having a poke around in her email account. Found a folder of email to/from who I can only assume is some ex-boyfriend of hers from when she worked / travelled in Australia. Now he's over there a she's living here so there's not much chance of any funny business going on however the emails suggest that they still have feelings for each other. That said the emails have been fairly intermittent and nothing from him a couple of years now, last email was not long after out baby daughter was born, to roughly quote her words - I always feel a bit guilty when I email you, life is good for me at the moment I'm off on maternity leave after giving birth to a baby girl, but I still find myself thinking about you...
She's never mentioned this bloke from her travels, I know about a few other exs of hers but mainly because the relationship with them went sour.
I also had a poke around on her Facebook messaging and found some flirtatious chat with presumably another ex of hers from the village she lived in. This seemed more like banter so not as concerned about that but still a bit miffed that it goes on.
We've been together for over ten years, married for six of those and have two kids together. Not long after we met she did go over to Oz but she had booked the trip before we met and her reasons for going were to see old mates (all girls), I don't have any reason to believe that she saw this bloke then but you never know. I think I could safely say that she wouldn't have been unfaithful to me after our relationship became serious. We were in our thirties when we met so fully appreciate there will be "baggage" for both of us.
Really not sure what to do? Confront her about it but then it's obvious I've been reading her private emails. Let it go but always have a niggle at the back of my mind. Keep an eye on her emails from now on which probably isn't healthy either.
For me any thoughts of being unfaithful to her have never crossed my mind and I'm not or never have been in contact with any of my ex's since we got together. Not sure how she'd react if she found similar on my email account if she ever accessed it.
The wife cracked the screen on her phone a while back so it was difficult to use it as the screen didn't behave properly. I said I'd have a look at trying to recover some stuff off it for her. I got a USB OTG cable so I could plug a mouse into it and was then able to drive her phone. Did what I needed to do but then out of curiosity (I know it killed the cat) started having a poke around in her email account. Found a folder of email to/from who I can only assume is some ex-boyfriend of hers from when she worked / travelled in Australia. Now he's over there a she's living here so there's not much chance of any funny business going on however the emails suggest that they still have feelings for each other. That said the emails have been fairly intermittent and nothing from him a couple of years now, last email was not long after out baby daughter was born, to roughly quote her words - I always feel a bit guilty when I email you, life is good for me at the moment I'm off on maternity leave after giving birth to a baby girl, but I still find myself thinking about you...
She's never mentioned this bloke from her travels, I know about a few other exs of hers but mainly because the relationship with them went sour.
I also had a poke around on her Facebook messaging and found some flirtatious chat with presumably another ex of hers from the village she lived in. This seemed more like banter so not as concerned about that but still a bit miffed that it goes on.
We've been together for over ten years, married for six of those and have two kids together. Not long after we met she did go over to Oz but she had booked the trip before we met and her reasons for going were to see old mates (all girls), I don't have any reason to believe that she saw this bloke then but you never know. I think I could safely say that she wouldn't have been unfaithful to me after our relationship became serious. We were in our thirties when we met so fully appreciate there will be "baggage" for both of us.
Really not sure what to do? Confront her about it but then it's obvious I've been reading her private emails. Let it go but always have a niggle at the back of my mind. Keep an eye on her emails from now on which probably isn't healthy either.
For me any thoughts of being unfaithful to her have never crossed my mind and I'm not or never have been in contact with any of my ex's since we got together. Not sure how she'd react if she found similar on my email account if she ever accessed it.
Edited by AllHailToTheAle on Monday 6th June 10:28
For better or worse you have now opened Pandoras box.
You can't just ignore it - the trust is damaged and it will eat you up inside if you say nothing.
You are going to have to raise it with her - yes she will be pissed that you read her e-mail - but it's lucky for you that you did.
You are now forced to have it out with her.
You can't just ignore it - the trust is damaged and it will eat you up inside if you say nothing.
You are going to have to raise it with her - yes she will be pissed that you read her e-mail - but it's lucky for you that you did.
You are now forced to have it out with her.
Iffy ground this one pal, as soon as you bring it up you're opening a can of worms and reading between the lines, the messages are very intermittent and maybe just some harmless flirting, unless there's more contained in them?
I'm not very level headed with things like this so id not be able to contain it myself but having been in this position, once you let the cat out of the bag it's hard to put it back. Perhaps sit on it for a little while until your emotions calm down?
I'm not very level headed with things like this so id not be able to contain it myself but having been in this position, once you let the cat out of the bag it's hard to put it back. Perhaps sit on it for a little while until your emotions calm down?
It sounds as though you're a bit possessive and jealous, maybe not to the extreme, but there's enough of your insecurities bubbling away there because a) you went looking, b) when you found something you kept going c) you're comparing her behaviour to yours to show the right way of doing things and d) you're wondering whether to tackle her about it.
She's your wife, but regardless of whatever laws have gone before, she's not your property and presumably is still with you and still in love with you.
She's your wife, but regardless of whatever laws have gone before, she's not your property and presumably is still with you and still in love with you.
Oldandslow said:
I've not been in your position so this is hypothetical for me. As hard as it sounds I think you've got to forget it and move on with life as normal with your wife and daughter. It's probably nothing and digging into it is only going to be trouble.
This. Put it out of your mind and move on.I would leave it alone, from what you've said there's very little in there (if anything) to point to her having actually being unfaithful. Remember that men's and women's minds work in different ways, and what may seem to be an indication of intent to us men will not be seen the same by women - who seem to have a more defined separation between fantasy and reality.
Unless of course you've never had a w
k over an ex or a naughty picture. ...!
Unless of course you've never had a w
k over an ex or a naughty picture. ...!Only you know best how she may react if you 'fess up/confront. On the one hand, she married you, you have kids together, so it looks like she think's you're OK. On the other, she's not told you about this chap, possibly because she's worried you'll worry about her Oz trip just after you started dating, or that she's still in touch.
Personally, I think honesty is the best policy. Don't forget, you're definitely in the wrong for snooping, whereas she's only possibly in the wrong, depending on your and her view of how seriously flirty the messages are. On that note, don't continue to snoop - it's corrosive. You will view every word through biased eyes.
I would also say this - keyboard warrior-ship on PH is rife - people type things that they would never say face to face. The same is potentially true with your OH. She's effectively writing to a memory, whereas she's coming home to a real you.
Personally, I think honesty is the best policy. Don't forget, you're definitely in the wrong for snooping, whereas she's only possibly in the wrong, depending on your and her view of how seriously flirty the messages are. On that note, don't continue to snoop - it's corrosive. You will view every word through biased eyes.
I would also say this - keyboard warrior-ship on PH is rife - people type things that they would never say face to face. The same is potentially true with your OH. She's effectively writing to a memory, whereas she's coming home to a real you.
Peoples feelings for others that they used to care for don't always just 'turn off' when they get married/settle down/have kids.
I'm 30 years down the road but I'm still friends with old girl friends - My Mrs isn't over the moon about it, but she's come to accept that they are just friends (even if I do occasionally flirt with them) and that I'd never take it any further than that.
You can't be sure your Mrs has cheated - all you know for sure is that she very occasionally flirts by text or email with old flames/friends ..... whats the harm in that?
I'm 30 years down the road but I'm still friends with old girl friends - My Mrs isn't over the moon about it, but she's come to accept that they are just friends (even if I do occasionally flirt with them) and that I'd never take it any further than that.
You can't be sure your Mrs has cheated - all you know for sure is that she very occasionally flirts by text or email with old flames/friends ..... whats the harm in that?
Knowing this will either eat away at you, or it wont. If you can ignore it and move on, do so. However personally i would keep thinking about it and would have to raise it with her - ok this chap's in australia but what would happen if he moved/holidayed here?
Also a bit concerning he's never been mentioned and that she feels 'guilty' about contacting him - why does she feel guilty if its entirely innocent?
Also a bit concerning he's never been mentioned and that she feels 'guilty' about contacting him - why does she feel guilty if its entirely innocent?
AllHailToTheAle said:
started having a poke around in her email account. Found a folder of email to/from who I can only assume is some ex-boyfriend of hers
That said the emails have been fairly intermittent and nothing from him a couple of years now
...I also had a poke around on her Facebook messaging and found some flirtatious chat with presumably another ex of hers from the village she lived in. This seemed more like banter
...We were in our thirties when we met so fully appreciate there will be "baggage" for both of us.
Really not sure what to do?
Nothing. That said the emails have been fairly intermittent and nothing from him a couple of years now
...I also had a poke around on her Facebook messaging and found some flirtatious chat with presumably another ex of hers from the village she lived in. This seemed more like banter
...We were in our thirties when we met so fully appreciate there will be "baggage" for both of us.
Really not sure what to do?
Read back the bits in bold.
You're working yourself up into a lather about f
k all. If the last email was two years ago then I'd leave it and get on with your life. You'll risk messing things up if you reveal that you've been looking at her emails. Even in marriage you need some privacy and some harmless chat with an ex 2 years ago is nothing to worry about. No good will come from bringing it up now.
Move on.
Move on.
From what you've said it sounds like nothing to be worried about. If they were emailing constantly with obviously flirty messages then yes you should ask her to pack it in, but from what you've described that's not the case.
You know her better than we do, but I know my wife would be very unhappy if she thought 1) I don't trust her enough to not snoop around her emails 2) I don't trust her enough to not be allowed to talk to other men without me jumping to conclusions.
It sounds like you're happily married, don't do anything to screw that up without good reason!
You know her better than we do, but I know my wife would be very unhappy if she thought 1) I don't trust her enough to not snoop around her emails 2) I don't trust her enough to not be allowed to talk to other men without me jumping to conclusions.
It sounds like you're happily married, don't do anything to screw that up without good reason!
Just to add my view. The others are right. Do nothing.
My wife still has feelings for her ex. Not shagging feelings, women work differently to men. My exes once they are exes I don't want much to do with them and see no point in staying in touch. Women are different. It's probably because they are more 'emotionally' involved in the first place.
Best action if any IMO would be to book a baby sitter ( overnight if possible ) and take her away for a night to a nice hotel and romance her a bit. Some quality time together, a nice meal and then banging her head through the headboard will I suspect make everyone alot happier.
My wife still has feelings for her ex. Not shagging feelings, women work differently to men. My exes once they are exes I don't want much to do with them and see no point in staying in touch. Women are different. It's probably because they are more 'emotionally' involved in the first place.
Best action if any IMO would be to book a baby sitter ( overnight if possible ) and take her away for a night to a nice hotel and romance her a bit. Some quality time together, a nice meal and then banging her head through the headboard will I suspect make everyone alot happier.
As has been said OP, if you can forget about it and will actually forget about it, move on and say nothing.
If you can't and you're the kind if person where things like this will niggle away at you, you should absolutely talk to your wife about it.
If you decide to say nothing however continue with your [relatively unfounded] suspicion, you will become unbearable to live with which is unfair on both your wife and your children.
If you can't and you're the kind if person where things like this will niggle away at you, you should absolutely talk to your wife about it.
If you decide to say nothing however continue with your [relatively unfounded] suspicion, you will become unbearable to live with which is unfair on both your wife and your children.
I'd forget it.
My SWMBO is good friends with a guy she went to school with, he's around alot for beers and a nice chap. However, after a few beers one night, I picked her phone up to hand it to her and turned the screen on (is my old phone, I habitually picked it up with my finger on the button) and saw a dirty text from him to her...
I flew into a rage, we had a big argument, I sent him abusive messages etc...turns out he meant to send it to some girl he was shagging, but sent it to the wrong person. He sheepishly showed me the messages him and this girl were having (I'd have high fived him if the situation was different.
We still laugh* about it now...
So, you either forget it and move on, or you say something and live with the consequences...
My SWMBO is good friends with a guy she went to school with, he's around alot for beers and a nice chap. However, after a few beers one night, I picked her phone up to hand it to her and turned the screen on (is my old phone, I habitually picked it up with my finger on the button) and saw a dirty text from him to her...
I flew into a rage, we had a big argument, I sent him abusive messages etc...turns out he meant to send it to some girl he was shagging, but sent it to the wrong person. He sheepishly showed me the messages him and this girl were having (I'd have high fived him if the situation was different.
We still laugh* about it now...
So, you either forget it and move on, or you say something and live with the consequences...
Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff