No ability to build meaningfull lasting deep relationships
Discussion
Talking to a few people last week and they all seemed to have deeper relationships with their spouses, parents and siblings. Made me start thinking about myself a little. Coming to the fore front is that i do not really have any deep relationships with anyone. Been married for 15 years with two boys (14 & 8) but i would not say that those connections exhibit a great deal of empathy with the wife or anyone else really including my own parents & siblings.
mmm, beginning to worry that i am missing something here.
mmm, beginning to worry that i am missing something here.
Interesting, you've lasted 15 years thus far, so don't be so hard on yourself.
I love my parents, but I'm happy to see them every few months with the odd text or two. Usually when I see them, i remember why i don't see them all the time, and i'm itching to get out!
We're all different. Some families like to know the ins and outs of each other, including who shagged who, etc and other like to keep a distance. That's not for me. To my close friends and social life i'm very a very open book however.
I love my parents, but I'm happy to see them every few months with the odd text or two. Usually when I see them, i remember why i don't see them all the time, and i'm itching to get out!
We're all different. Some families like to know the ins and outs of each other, including who shagged who, etc and other like to keep a distance. That's not for me. To my close friends and social life i'm very a very open book however.
From a family point of view I'm in a similar situation to yourself in that the relationship with my parents and brother seem casual at best. We get by on a text catch up every month or two, and I visit them for a few days two or three times a year. I think a lot of it stemmed from being a military family, so as kids we moved around a bit, but when things settled down we as a family were in Oxfordshire whilst the grandparents, uncles etc were up in Newcastle, so we only ever made the trek up there twice a year normally. I grew up, joined the military and moved around a bit, and now I'm settled in Kent.
Sometimes I feel a bit bad about having such weak relationships with my family, I've not seen any of my extended family for over ten years now. I remember taking a girlfriend home for the first time a few years ago and she was shocked at the fact that when I saw my mum and brother there was no loud welcomes, hugs and excitement at seeing each other again for the first time in several months, it was a quiet affair akin to people meeting at the weekend after being apart for a few days.
It works for us though and seems to be a family trait I think.
Sometimes I feel a bit bad about having such weak relationships with my family, I've not seen any of my extended family for over ten years now. I remember taking a girlfriend home for the first time a few years ago and she was shocked at the fact that when I saw my mum and brother there was no loud welcomes, hugs and excitement at seeing each other again for the first time in several months, it was a quiet affair akin to people meeting at the weekend after being apart for a few days.
It works for us though and seems to be a family trait I think.
AndStilliRise said:
Talking to a few people last week and they all seemed to have deeper relationships with their spouses, parents and siblings. Made me start thinking about myself a little. Coming to the fore front is that i do not really have any deep relationships with anyone. Been married for 15 years with two boys (14 & 8) but i would not say that those connections exhibit a great deal of empathy with the wife or anyone else really including my own parents & siblings.
mmm, beginning to worry that i am missing something here.
I'm the same and it's been commented on in past relationships. The only way I can describe it is like you're walking around in a bell jar able to talk and interact with people but never actually connecting with them fully.mmm, beginning to worry that i am missing something here.
I used to be fine with it but as time goes on it worries me more and more and i have less and less friends and allies in life so to speak leading to bouts of unbearable loneliness from time to time.
Most people agree that I just keep putting barriers up and keep a distance from everyone because I have a mistrust of everybody I come across and always assume that they'll hurt me badly.
I am not overly emotional generally, however I find that couples that are overly full on and families that exist in each others pockets tend to fall out more.
Maybe it isnt such a bad thing.
If you took it away, you would notice it, sometimes when you are so close to something, it is hard to retain perspective.
Maybe it isnt such a bad thing.
If you took it away, you would notice it, sometimes when you are so close to something, it is hard to retain perspective.
Orchid1 said:
AndStilliRise said:
Talking to a few people last week and they all seemed to have deeper relationships with their spouses, parents and siblings. Made me start thinking about myself a little. Coming to the fore front is that i do not really have any deep relationships with anyone. Been married for 15 years with two boys (14 & 8) but i would not say that those connections exhibit a great deal of empathy with the wife or anyone else really including my own parents & siblings.
mmm, beginning to worry that i am missing something here.
I'm the same and it's been commented on in past relationships. The only way I can describe it is like you're walking around in a bell jar able to talk and interact with people but never actually connecting with them fully.mmm, beginning to worry that i am missing something here.
I used to be fine with it but as time goes on it worries me more and more and i have less and less friends and allies in life so to speak leading to bouts of unbearable loneliness from time to time.
Most people agree that I just keep putting barriers up and keep a distance from everyone because I have a mistrust of everybody I come across and always assume that they'll hurt me badly.
anothernameitist said:
Sorry about your situation.
Do you feel that you might have something like aspergers or autism.
good luck
ive (probably, never got an official diagnosis) got a mild form of aspergers, and the lack of deep connections with people does resonate with me, as creepy as it might sound, sometimes it feels like everyone is replaceable, even family etc..Do you feel that you might have something like aspergers or autism.
good luck
davhill said:
Much of your story sounds a lot like British reserve. However, this last part looks like a partial fit to Borderline Personality Disorder. Definition:'I hate you, don't leave me.' Worth a Google IMHO
LOL one minute i'm enjoying my tuna sandwich and a bag of wotsits and the next i'm being told I have a personality disorder haha![quote=Orchid1]
LOL one minute i'm enjoying my tuna sandwich and a bag of wotsits and the next i'm being told I have a personality disorder haha
(Join the club).Orchid1 said:
Hmm, i could go for some of those, might have to pick up a bag of cheesy poofs (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-XlYj1iyAlk) on the way homeThanks for all your replies.
I think over the years, i have just managed to distance myself further away. My interactions with people i know are generally centered around things i should be doing or doing better!
Going to see a quack although it is not causing me any issues - from what people are saying, it could be causing them issues. I don't really TBH but then i don't want to be left on my own in the future.
I think over the years, i have just managed to distance myself further away. My interactions with people i know are generally centered around things i should be doing or doing better!
Going to see a quack although it is not causing me any issues - from what people are saying, it could be causing them issues. I don't really TBH but then i don't want to be left on my own in the future.
Orchid1 said:
davhill said:
Much of your story sounds a lot like British reserve. However, this last part looks like a partial fit to Borderline Personality Disorder. Definition:'I hate you, don't leave me.' Worth a Google IMHO
LOL one minute i'm enjoying my tuna sandwich and a bag of wotsits and the next i'm being told I have a personality disorder haha!Well, you asked...
I'm also like this, but doesn't bother me at all, don't know exactly why I'm like it, but when I was growing up (I am an only child), my dad was all over the world for work and is also quite a 'mental barrier' sort of person, so we never had 'that' bond, that being said, I do get on well with my dad in our common interests (mainly just cars) and I admire him and look up to him massively because he essentially sacrificed having that bond with his son so I could have a better life. I can only dream to achieve half of what he has.
In my opinion, it's a strength, not a weakness.
ETA: Cats in the cradle is scarily close to summing me and my dads relationship up in one, even down to me always saying that I just wanted to be just like him.
In my opinion, it's a strength, not a weakness.
ETA: Cats in the cradle is scarily close to summing me and my dads relationship up in one, even down to me always saying that I just wanted to be just like him.
Edited by Marc p on Wednesday 8th June 15:22
Edited by Marc p on Wednesday 8th June 15:22
Vitorio said:
ive (probably, never got an official diagnosis) got a mild form of aspergers, and the lack of deep connections with people does resonate with me, as creepy as it might sound, sometimes it feels like everyone is replaceable, even family etc..
This, 95+% of the time is the person saying it making an excuse. Sorry, but people who have 'mild aspergers' dont realise they have it until someone else points it out to them. Them pointing it out to others is a pity crutch, an excuse for not picking up skills through inability or not knowing they had to. People with 'ass burgers' think everyone else is the problem. What I think is hard, for men in particular is that from a young age you're told to be strong, dont cry, shrug it off, work hard, all these (in many cases unobtainable) things you're supposed to be. Boys in some cases just grow older, but never get past the fascination with their own bumhole and self absorption, so find it hard to be themselves when the expectation of them is to 'be a man' because they dont really know who they are.
Many people measure their worth in what they can provide, and base that on material things such as houses, cars etc to impress their wives, girlfriends and friends and family. None of them, at a core level actually care whether you've got the latest i-thing, they're more likely happy that you're happy.
When you're able to open up about your insecurities to someone who you know, who knows you well and for a while, then you'll have trust in them that they know things about you that you dont broadcast out. If they help you, however they can even by just lending an ear, you've got a lasting, deep relationship.
People hide behind facades and put up all sorts of smoke and mirrors rather than just saying what they actually feel, because 'talking about your feelings' tends to get a gheyer comment. Those arent the people to open up to. It's a two way street and all that s
t (I had fairly extensive third hand experience with aspergers and first hand with bipolar/BPD in a relationship that put me in therapy and mind bending drugs for a few years after. I dont want to be preachy and I dont know if what I'm saying is 100% accurate for everyone. I can only speak from experience. It took me going through that to be more open with people and as a result of that met my now wife, who I've got a much better, deeper and more meaningful/enjoyable/open relationship with than I've ever had with anyone)
.
Maybe a bit of this https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizoid_personality...
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