How can we help my 11yo son...?
Discussion
My ex phoned me at work yesterday. She had our two boys,11yo & 6yo as it was her weekend. The 11yo refused to go to school and barricaded himself in his bedroom (don't know how/why she couldn't get in).
He doing really well in his first year in Secondary school, the teachers are really pleased with him. He's popular with other boys and always seems to have girls interested in him.
This isn't the first time he's done it, he's done it a few times at junior school and I've left work to go to her house to drag him (in his PJ's if necessary, at request of school) into school. I really don't want to start doing that at secondary school. Also, he thinks I'm the bad guy when I do it, forgetting it's his fault and forgets his mom made me do it for her/us.
I talked to him last night when he came to mine but clammed up saying "I don't want to talk about it" and repeated it over and over. I was calm, with an air of understanding and offering to help. He tells us we can't help, it's nothing to do with school but refuses to tell me the problem.
The school are perplexed, asking if we're talking about the right boy!
His mom and I have been split for 4 years now with 50/50 custody but he's making noises of spending more time with her.
Over the years he's got himself into positions he can't find a way out of, through pride/losing face etc. He takes it too far he can't back down. I'm wondering if this was another episode yesterday.
I saw him Sunday night, he popped into mine to give me a hug and wish me happy Father's Day. He was a bit touchy-feely and I commented about it to my girlfiend (of 3 years) and she noticed a difference as he gave her a hug as he left.
I really want to help my son but can't if he doesn't tell me what the problem is. Do I have to accept it's an age thing/can't talk to parents thing?
Help please?!
He doing really well in his first year in Secondary school, the teachers are really pleased with him. He's popular with other boys and always seems to have girls interested in him.
This isn't the first time he's done it, he's done it a few times at junior school and I've left work to go to her house to drag him (in his PJ's if necessary, at request of school) into school. I really don't want to start doing that at secondary school. Also, he thinks I'm the bad guy when I do it, forgetting it's his fault and forgets his mom made me do it for her/us.
I talked to him last night when he came to mine but clammed up saying "I don't want to talk about it" and repeated it over and over. I was calm, with an air of understanding and offering to help. He tells us we can't help, it's nothing to do with school but refuses to tell me the problem.
The school are perplexed, asking if we're talking about the right boy!
His mom and I have been split for 4 years now with 50/50 custody but he's making noises of spending more time with her.
Over the years he's got himself into positions he can't find a way out of, through pride/losing face etc. He takes it too far he can't back down. I'm wondering if this was another episode yesterday.
I saw him Sunday night, he popped into mine to give me a hug and wish me happy Father's Day. He was a bit touchy-feely and I commented about it to my girlfiend (of 3 years) and she noticed a difference as he gave her a hug as he left.
I really want to help my son but can't if he doesn't tell me what the problem is. Do I have to accept it's an age thing/can't talk to parents thing?
Help please?!
Edited by Fastchas on Tuesday 21st June 13:05
When you asked him about the problem, was anyone else around? He could be too shy to mention.
Maybe its something only his mother can get out of him.
Barricading himself in does sound like its an issue at school. If the staff are not aware then its something thats happening outside of lessons,
Does he walk home from school?
Has a girl made fun of him in the playground?
Could he embarrassed cause he got a spot on his face?
It is difficult to not make the situation worse, as a last resort you could try ignoring it and hope it clears up?
Maybe its something only his mother can get out of him.
Barricading himself in does sound like its an issue at school. If the staff are not aware then its something thats happening outside of lessons,
Does he walk home from school?
Has a girl made fun of him in the playground?
Could he embarrassed cause he got a spot on his face?
It is difficult to not make the situation worse, as a last resort you could try ignoring it and hope it clears up?
It's not bullying, we think. The school are s
t hot on that and he's always been popular, never attaching himself to any cliques etc. I'd like to think he can handle himself a little, he's been doing Kickboxing for 6 months (not that he's eager to use it on anyone). But we accept that bullying could be the issue, it's easy to hide it. I was bullied at school and didn't feel I could tell anyone (1980's)
He leaves from my house as well. He's never played up at mine as he knows I'd carry him to school. His mum hasn't got the strength to force things like that.
When he did it at junior school the teachers always said he changed as soon as we went! There was no problem.
t hot on that and he's always been popular, never attaching himself to any cliques etc. I'd like to think he can handle himself a little, he's been doing Kickboxing for 6 months (not that he's eager to use it on anyone). But we accept that bullying could be the issue, it's easy to hide it. I was bullied at school and didn't feel I could tell anyone (1980's)He leaves from my house as well. He's never played up at mine as he knows I'd carry him to school. His mum hasn't got the strength to force things like that.
When he did it at junior school the teachers always said he changed as soon as we went! There was no problem.
Sounds like pretty standard fair adolescent behaviour.
He may have just found out what his dick is for and wanted to spend some time perfecting technique.
Obviously he has to go to school, as long as that is clear he'll give up eventually, maybe limit his access to the internet/kays catalogue for a while, if he's having problems at school with friends or being bullied it will come to ahead sooner or later.
He may have just found out what his dick is for and wanted to spend some time perfecting technique.
Obviously he has to go to school, as long as that is clear he'll give up eventually, maybe limit his access to the internet/kays catalogue for a while, if he's having problems at school with friends or being bullied it will come to ahead sooner or later.
Fastchas said:
It's not bullying, we think. The school are st hot on that and he's always been popular, never attaching himself to any cliques etc. I'd like to think he can handle himself a little, he's been doing Kickboxing for 6 months (not that he's eager to use it on anyone). But we accept that bullying could be the issue, it's easy to hide it. I was bullied at school and didn't feel I could tell anyone (1980's)
He leaves from my house as well. He's never played up at mine as he knows I'd carry him to school. His mum hasn't got the strength to force things like that.
When he did it at junior school the teachers always said he changed as soon as we went! There was no problem.
It sounds like mum isn't as good at enforcing the rules as you are perhaps. Are you on speaking terms still, maybe a chat with her on how she can be a little more strict might help.t hot on that and he's always been popular, never attaching himself to any cliques etc. I'd like to think he can handle himself a little, he's been doing Kickboxing for 6 months (not that he's eager to use it on anyone). But we accept that bullying could be the issue, it's easy to hide it. I was bullied at school and didn't feel I could tell anyone (1980's)He leaves from my house as well. He's never played up at mine as he knows I'd carry him to school. His mum hasn't got the strength to force things like that.
When he did it at junior school the teachers always said he changed as soon as we went! There was no problem.
callmedave said:
When you asked him about the problem, was anyone else around? He could be too shy to mention.
Maybe its something only his mother can get out of him.
Barricading himself in does sound like its an issue at school. If the staff are not aware then its something thats happening outside of lessons,
Does he walk home from school?
Has a girl made fun of him in the playground?
Could he embarrassed cause he got a spot on his face?
It is difficult to not make the situation worse, as a last resort you could try ignoring it and hope it clears up?
I waited till my 6yo was out the room before I asked.Maybe its something only his mother can get out of him.
Barricading himself in does sound like its an issue at school. If the staff are not aware then its something thats happening outside of lessons,
Does he walk home from school?
Has a girl made fun of him in the playground?
Could he embarrassed cause he got a spot on his face?
It is difficult to not make the situation worse, as a last resort you could try ignoring it and hope it clears up?
he won't talk to his mum about it.
Yes, he walks home from school but either walks a very short distance to her flat or much farther to a friends house for Xbox.
He's a good looking kid, got called 'chinky' a few weeks back and the other kid got in trouble for racist remarks. The school had to report it to the civic centre!
WinstonWolf said:
Fastchas said:
It's not bullying, we think. The school are st hot on that and he's always been popular, never attaching himself to any cliques etc. I'd like to think he can handle himself a little, he's been doing Kickboxing for 6 months (not that he's eager to use it on anyone). But we accept that bullying could be the issue, it's easy to hide it. I was bullied at school and didn't feel I could tell anyone (1980's)
He leaves from my house as well. He's never played up at mine as he knows I'd carry him to school. His mum hasn't got the strength to force things like that.
When he did it at junior school the teachers always said he changed as soon as we went! There was no problem.
It sounds like mum isn't as good at enforcing the rules as you are perhaps. Are you on speaking terms still, maybe a chat with her on how she can be a little more strict might help.t hot on that and he's always been popular, never attaching himself to any cliques etc. I'd like to think he can handle himself a little, he's been doing Kickboxing for 6 months (not that he's eager to use it on anyone). But we accept that bullying could be the issue, it's easy to hide it. I was bullied at school and didn't feel I could tell anyone (1980's)He leaves from my house as well. He's never played up at mine as he knows I'd carry him to school. His mum hasn't got the strength to force things like that.
When he did it at junior school the teachers always said he changed as soon as we went! There was no problem.
She went in to the school to see if anyone could come to talk to him and returned to her flat to find him on the sofa watching tv. She then left to open up her shop and left him there. I would have took the day off and made sure his life was hell! Unplugged wifi, took fuse out the fuseboard etc.
Experiencing very similar behaviours with my 12 yo old daughter at the moment and our personal situations seem very similar..!! She is happy and bubbly one minute then in a dark place the next (had the I want to kill myself letter on sat night but thats another story). Doesn't want to go to school, no evidence of bullying and she has a close circle of friends. School report and behaviours all good but I have started going into work later so I can drop her off at the gates etc.
Bearing in mind at that age kids are going through lots of changes; hormones, 'big' school, new friends and throw into that recent changes in home life could maybe lead to abandonment issues etc it's quite easy to just put it down as one of those things.
However, we werent happy. Been referred to CAMHS via the Drs but thats taken an age to get seen so decided to get her some private counselling... Only a few sessions in now but slowly seeing an improvement (Apart from the sat night incident) but going to school is now less of a battle.
My daughter is like a clam... She won't express her feelings verbally to either her Mum nor me for fear of upsetting one or both of us but does open up to her counsellor. One strategy I did use with a reasonable amount of success was to suggest she writes down what she's feeling in a daily diary and she was happy for me to read her entries and discuss them to a point afterwards.
Bearing in mind at that age kids are going through lots of changes; hormones, 'big' school, new friends and throw into that recent changes in home life could maybe lead to abandonment issues etc it's quite easy to just put it down as one of those things.
However, we werent happy. Been referred to CAMHS via the Drs but thats taken an age to get seen so decided to get her some private counselling... Only a few sessions in now but slowly seeing an improvement (Apart from the sat night incident) but going to school is now less of a battle.
My daughter is like a clam... She won't express her feelings verbally to either her Mum nor me for fear of upsetting one or both of us but does open up to her counsellor. One strategy I did use with a reasonable amount of success was to suggest she writes down what she's feeling in a daily diary and she was happy for me to read her entries and discuss them to a point afterwards.
Fastchas said:
This has always been a problem TBH. That's probably why he's making noises of staying at hers more.
She went in to the school to see if anyone could come to talk to him and returned to her flat to find him on the sofa watching tv. She then left to open up her shop and left him there. I would have took the day off and made sure his life was hell! Unplugged wifi, took fuse out the fuseboard etc.
Has your ex got a live in partner? It may sound a bit like dog psychology, but it almost sounds as though he's subconciously trying to establish himself as boss of the household over at your exes. Pretty normal for an adolescant male, the lack of the usual reposte i.e. a kick in the backside, from the resident adult male might be the issue? I think your solution would have worked. Hers.....utter failure to deal with the issue. She went in to the school to see if anyone could come to talk to him and returned to her flat to find him on the sofa watching tv. She then left to open up her shop and left him there. I would have took the day off and made sure his life was hell! Unplugged wifi, took fuse out the fuseboard etc.
Timmy40 said:
Has your ex got a live in partner? It may sound a bit like dog psychology, but it almost sounds as though he's subconciously trying to establish himself as boss of the household over at your exes. Pretty normal for an adolescant male, the lack of the usual reposte i.e. a kick in the backside, from the resident adult male might be the issue? I think your solution would have worked. Hers.....utter failure to deal with the issue.
She's more or less living with the builder that she had an affair with and split up the family, although my son doesn't SEEM to linger on that. I know and heard that he shouts and get angry when the lad plays up, and she said he's not afraid to give my lad a rollocking when he plays me up or refuses to come to mine. He's brought up 4 nice kids with his ex though so I'm not that concerned.I have wondered sometimes how he must feel. He was living in a stable household with two loving parents, nice house on nice part of town. No family issues. Now lives in 1st floor flat on council estate with mum and rough-arsed builder boyfriend who's 10 years older than her!
(She spunked her share of the house whilst I put all mine down on another 3 bedroom house for us.)
Fastchas said:
Timmy40 said:
Has your ex got a live in partner? It may sound a bit like dog psychology, but it almost sounds as though he's subconciously trying to establish himself as boss of the household over at your exes. Pretty normal for an adolescant male, the lack of the usual reposte i.e. a kick in the backside, from the resident adult male might be the issue? I think your solution would have worked. Hers.....utter failure to deal with the issue.
She's more or less living with the builder that she had an affair with and split up the family, although my son doesn't SEEM to linger on that. I know and heard that he shouts and get angry when the lad plays up, and she said he's not afraid to give my lad a rollocking when he plays me up or refuses to come to mine. He's brought up 4 nice kids with his ex though so I'm not that concerned.I have wondered sometimes how he must feel. He was living in a stable household with two loving parents, nice house on nice part of town. No family issues. Now lives in 1st floor flat on council estate with mum and rough-arsed builder boyfriend who's 10 years older than her!
(She spunked her share of the house whilst I put all mine down on another 3 bedroom house for us.)
Timmy40 said:
If that's the setup it does seem a bit bizzare he wants to spend MORE time over there?
Th boyfriend has his own kids as well and has them several nights. His ex doesn't allow him to let them socialise with the woman that split up her family either. So I don't think he's there EVERY night or if he is then he gets there late at night when he drops his own kids off.The 11yo has always been more attached to his mum, the 6yo is more attached to me. I'm not surprised he wants more time with her TBH. Especially when I rule at mine! But she says that's half the problem, I rule with a rod. (eh?)
Just becasue he's freaking out today does not mean that he's worried about anything thats due to happen shortly, based on passed experiences, he could be worrying about something that is due to happen in the next 12 months.. any big changed planned he's aware of? Anything big coming up at school in the next year? Anything new on the cards?
cheesesliceking said:
Just becasue he's freaking out today does not mean that he's worried about anything thats due to happen shortly, based on passed experiences, he could be worrying about something that is due to happen in the next 12 months.. any big changed planned he's aware of? Anything big coming up at school in the next year? Anything new on the cards?
Good point, ta, I'll bring this up with him.We went through a similar thing with the eldest when she was a similar age; are there any exams coming up?
My eldest; now 23, is a massive worrier and suffers from anxiety, her issue was the school putting pressure on the pupils in the run up to exams, some schools really do put pressure on their pupils to perform, it can be so stressful for someone so young.
My eldest; now 23, is a massive worrier and suffers from anxiety, her issue was the school putting pressure on the pupils in the run up to exams, some schools really do put pressure on their pupils to perform, it can be so stressful for someone so young.
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