Anyone a weak confronter
Discussion
Lately i have been taking more and more of a leave it stance rather than confronting people.
I get bad confrontational anxiety prior to speaking to someone about something that upsets me or annoys me and a lot of the time i will just leave it and suffer the annoyance.
Even when i do confront, my voice sometimes gets shaky, what i want to say comes out completely wrong and i end up smiling or backtracking on what i say as soon as they disagree with me.
I dont think it helps that my partner is very confrontational, as a result i generally take a back seat.
Anyone any tips to overcome this?
I get bad confrontational anxiety prior to speaking to someone about something that upsets me or annoys me and a lot of the time i will just leave it and suffer the annoyance.
Even when i do confront, my voice sometimes gets shaky, what i want to say comes out completely wrong and i end up smiling or backtracking on what i say as soon as they disagree with me.
I dont think it helps that my partner is very confrontational, as a result i generally take a back seat.
Anyone any tips to overcome this?
t, take them down and choke them out. 12-24 months and you'll not have a problem backing down The more you avoid it, the bigger and scarier it becomes. I read a really great book (it's self help so always take with a bucket load of salt) about how to deal with someone who had BPD (ie they could accuse you of something that's so far out from what your intention was) called Stop Walking on Eggshells.
What I found was that if you take the silent approach and give the look, it doesnt do anything in terms of resolving conflict, as you still have the problem, it's just someone's shouted you down.
You dont have to be firmwith your tone of voice and you dont have to 'win' every confrontation, it just needs that the other party can see your angle and your concerns. Whether they do anything about it can only be influenced so much
What I found was that if you take the silent approach and give the look, it doesnt do anything in terms of resolving conflict, as you still have the problem, it's just someone's shouted you down.
You dont have to be firmwith your tone of voice and you dont have to 'win' every confrontation, it just needs that the other party can see your angle and your concerns. Whether they do anything about it can only be influenced so much
Massively!
I have few skills, but I'm well read and can put together a cogent point with some eloquence. I'm also generally given to prolixity and as such will wax lyrical on a point of interest should anybody be interested.
Now ask me to do the same in an argument situation, or with somebody likely to disagree with me, and I fall to pieces. My face turns red, I feel hot, I stumble over my words and forget 80% of the key points I've run over in my head beforehand.
Now I just avoid problems altogether. So my fiance and I have spoken all of about 30 words to each other in two days. Which is great.
andy-xr mentioned BPD and the difficulties communicating with somebody that has it. It isn't my fiance but conversing with somebody with BPD has essentially ruined my ability to confront.
I have few skills, but I'm well read and can put together a cogent point with some eloquence. I'm also generally given to prolixity and as such will wax lyrical on a point of interest should anybody be interested.
Now ask me to do the same in an argument situation, or with somebody likely to disagree with me, and I fall to pieces. My face turns red, I feel hot, I stumble over my words and forget 80% of the key points I've run over in my head beforehand.
Now I just avoid problems altogether. So my fiance and I have spoken all of about 30 words to each other in two days. Which is great.
andy-xr mentioned BPD and the difficulties communicating with somebody that has it. It isn't my fiance but conversing with somebody with BPD has essentially ruined my ability to confront.
For me it depends on the situation and person you have to confront.
I find it harder to confront someone who I'm familiar with so for example a friend or family member about something beyond someone who is a relative stranger. Same would go for if you're dealing with something customer service related, I'm not one to go in guns blazing as there's that awkwardness or maybe embarrassment about complaining. Probably a bit of a British thing to do.
Everyone is different though and if you have conviction in what you feel you're confronting someone about or you feel wronged in some way try and take confidence from that. Easier said than done I know.
I find it harder to confront someone who I'm familiar with so for example a friend or family member about something beyond someone who is a relative stranger. Same would go for if you're dealing with something customer service related, I'm not one to go in guns blazing as there's that awkwardness or maybe embarrassment about complaining. Probably a bit of a British thing to do.
Everyone is different though and if you have conviction in what you feel you're confronting someone about or you feel wronged in some way try and take confidence from that. Easier said than done I know.
iphonedyou said:
Massively!
I have few skills, but I'm well read and can put together a cogent point with some eloquence. I'm also generally given to prolixity and as such will wax lyrical on a point of interest should anybody be interested.
Now ask me to do the same in an argument situation, or with somebody likely to disagree with me, and I fall to pieces. My face turns red, I feel hot, I stumble over my words and forget 80% of the key points I've run over in my head beforehand.
Now I just avoid problems altogether. So my fiance and I have spoken all of about 30 words to each other in two days. Which is great.
andy-xr mentioned BPD and the difficulties communicating with somebody that has it. It isn't my fiance but conversing with somebody with BPD has essentially ruined my ability to confront.
Is BPD Bipolar or Bordlerline Personality? I have few skills, but I'm well read and can put together a cogent point with some eloquence. I'm also generally given to prolixity and as such will wax lyrical on a point of interest should anybody be interested.
Now ask me to do the same in an argument situation, or with somebody likely to disagree with me, and I fall to pieces. My face turns red, I feel hot, I stumble over my words and forget 80% of the key points I've run over in my head beforehand.
Now I just avoid problems altogether. So my fiance and I have spoken all of about 30 words to each other in two days. Which is great.
andy-xr mentioned BPD and the difficulties communicating with somebody that has it. It isn't my fiance but conversing with somebody with BPD has essentially ruined my ability to confront.
I have Bipolar and yes it can cause issues.
You've just described my confrontation problems completely.
I spent the majority of my school life being bullied and frequently beaten or used as a target for objects they were throwing. This ranged from chairs, 400 page school books, pens, pencils, metal sharpeners and on occasion, having them use staplers on me, every day.
The usual ignorance from the teachers didn't help. The one time I was pushed over the edge and launched one of them over a table and proceeded to hit him, other cronies started using my head and torso as a football. So standing up for myself was essentially "kicked" out of me, especially as I was sent down to the deputy head teacher because I had been disruptive whilst the other scum were told to sit back down and had no punishment.
Anxiety in public areas as well as a fear of confrontation with anyone causes me to behave as you, OP.
Rather fortunate that the iAPT counselor for depression and other issues I was sent to speak with, told me the only person to blame for everything, was me.
I'd love to be able to change the anxiety and nerves but I doubt I could now. I think it's the "flight" that sets in for self preservation, rather than "fight" after spending more than a decade having my backside handed to me by scumbags.
I spent the majority of my school life being bullied and frequently beaten or used as a target for objects they were throwing. This ranged from chairs, 400 page school books, pens, pencils, metal sharpeners and on occasion, having them use staplers on me, every day.
The usual ignorance from the teachers didn't help. The one time I was pushed over the edge and launched one of them over a table and proceeded to hit him, other cronies started using my head and torso as a football. So standing up for myself was essentially "kicked" out of me, especially as I was sent down to the deputy head teacher because I had been disruptive whilst the other scum were told to sit back down and had no punishment.
Anxiety in public areas as well as a fear of confrontation with anyone causes me to behave as you, OP.
Rather fortunate that the iAPT counselor for depression and other issues I was sent to speak with, told me the only person to blame for everything, was me.
I'd love to be able to change the anxiety and nerves but I doubt I could now. I think it's the "flight" that sets in for self preservation, rather than "fight" after spending more than a decade having my backside handed to me by scumbags.
Pothole said:
dieseluser07 said:
I think half my problem is i doubt myself a lot and im not even sure if im being reasonable and this makes me convince myself i shouldent even bring it up.
Do you really need to be reasonable? I think it's often overrated.OP think of it this way - world progress depends on you!
Confidence is the key really. To be assertive – getting your point across in a controlled and non-aggressive way – you really need to feel confident in what you’re saying.
I would recommend focusing on building your confidence – do some activities that take you out of your comfort zone, think positively and don’t dwell on what you think are your bad points.
I would recommend focusing on building your confidence – do some activities that take you out of your comfort zone, think positively and don’t dwell on what you think are your bad points.
That is the key, stay cool, calm and collective. I'm rubbish at it so don't do it very often except with customers as i'm a sales man but i wear a different mask at work. id get the squeaky shake in my voice and come out with rubbish if i got carried away out side of work, sometimes I get that at work too! as it happens im usually pretty chilled so do not have many issues to confront 
but yeah overall im a weak confronter
the times i have been successful i have put it over as a banter type thing but get straight to the point, it helps to expect a reasonable response back too rather than thinking im going to bitterly upset someone. unless you have chose a wasp of a man to confront, most people are pretty accommodating.
but yeah overall im a weak confronter
the times i have been successful i have put it over as a banter type thing but get straight to the point, it helps to expect a reasonable response back too rather than thinking im going to bitterly upset someone. unless you have chose a wasp of a man to confront, most people are pretty accommodating.
Neil H said:
Confidence is the key really. To be assertive – getting your point across in a controlled and non-aggressive way – you really need to feel confident in what you’re saying.
I would recommend focusing on building your confidence – do some activities that take you out of your comfort zone, think positively and don’t dwell on what you think are your bad points.
Exactly this.I would recommend focusing on building your confidence – do some activities that take you out of your comfort zone, think positively and don’t dwell on what you think are your bad points.
I am fortunate in that I grew to be confident but have recommended Toastmasters to other people over the years. It is more about public speaking than solely confrontation but I believe a weakness in those fields constitutes a similar anxiety in people. Might be worth a look.
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