Staying Together for the Children
Discussion
To those with experience of the above statement, what is the general outcome?
My wife and I would both continue to look after the children if we separate so they would still receive love and support from both parents. We are mature enough not to 'fight' over them (I hope). So generally what is best, the children living in a stressed, unhappy house with mum and dad or living with parents separately who hopefully are a bit happier. Kids 9 and 13 by the way, both doing well at school and generally very good, well adjusted people.
F**k my life
Steve
My wife and I would both continue to look after the children if we separate so they would still receive love and support from both parents. We are mature enough not to 'fight' over them (I hope). So generally what is best, the children living in a stressed, unhappy house with mum and dad or living with parents separately who hopefully are a bit happier. Kids 9 and 13 by the way, both doing well at school and generally very good, well adjusted people.
F**k my life
Steve
Hmm.
My thoughts are that the kids would be better off with a base rather than swapping houses every week/ fortnight.
Anybody any views or experiences of this? I would be quite happy to have the kids but I work away intermittently so there would inevitably be a bit of swapping around.
The marriage is not over yet but we are spiralling down.
My thoughts are that the kids would be better off with a base rather than swapping houses every week/ fortnight.
Anybody any views or experiences of this? I would be quite happy to have the kids but I work away intermittently so there would inevitably be a bit of swapping around.
The marriage is not over yet but we are spiralling down.
I have experience from both ends of this, my parents split up when I was a kid and it was a massive relief, the atmosphere of the house changed in an instant and I was much happier and I think both of my parents were too.
I stayed with my sons mum for him and it made us both totally miserable, we are happier and better together apart if you know what I mean.
I stayed with my sons mum for him and it made us both totally miserable, we are happier and better together apart if you know what I mean.
If I had the years given back to me I would have packed it in early.
We stayed in the marriage until they were young adults. A big mistake. Unhappiness then and even now 14 years later to be honest.
But that was my situation.
Yours will be different so it's just the two of you that can make the decision.
The thought of my kids being with another kind of father figure possibly greyed my thought process at the time.
It's heart breaking when kids are involved and I have never got over it.
We stayed in the marriage until they were young adults. A big mistake. Unhappiness then and even now 14 years later to be honest.
But that was my situation.
Yours will be different so it's just the two of you that can make the decision.
The thought of my kids being with another kind of father figure possibly greyed my thought process at the time.
It's heart breaking when kids are involved and I have never got over it.
My friends parents stayed together until she went away to uni. When she was at uni, they separated. It hurt her a lot more because she knew that they were unhappy for years and years, then when she was away, they cut it off for good. When they needed to be together to talk the most, she was away.
It hurt her because she realised then that they only stayed together for her benefit, which, thinking back, was no benefit at all as it meant a lesser quality of life (not financially, but mentally, happiness) for each of her parents.
Without thinking too far ahead, there may be someone else better suited for each of you too.... But that's a totally different story layer...
It hurt her because she realised then that they only stayed together for her benefit, which, thinking back, was no benefit at all as it meant a lesser quality of life (not financially, but mentally, happiness) for each of her parents.
Without thinking too far ahead, there may be someone else better suited for each of you too.... But that's a totally different story layer...
My parents did exactly this.
My brother and I have ended up completely apathetic to our parents while my sister cries and screams if she's put together with our father. It badly affected her psychologically.
There's more to it than just that of course. Let me know if you want me to pass on any more if my thoughts and experiences of it.
My brother and I have ended up completely apathetic to our parents while my sister cries and screams if she's put together with our father. It badly affected her psychologically.
There's more to it than just that of course. Let me know if you want me to pass on any more if my thoughts and experiences of it.
Split up, kids shouldn't be a reason to stick together unless it would cause real problems in their life otherwise.
My parents split up when I was a kid, and I divorced my ex when our daughter was young.
I was fine, so is my daughter, and in both cases everyone involved seems loads happier.
My parents split up when I was a kid, and I divorced my ex when our daughter was young.
I was fine, so is my daughter, and in both cases everyone involved seems loads happier.
I really feel for you here OP.
If you can find my thread "has anyone used a private detective" (I can't find it at the moment for some reason - I started off as "a bit down") you may be able to get some benefit from my experiences.
It's about 4 years now since I realised things were over with my ex and we've been separated (divorce hopefully going through soon) for nearly all that time.
I agonised over staying together for the children even though my ex was behaving despicably but in the end decided enough was enough. In a nutshell what I've learned is that there's no optimal outcome to a failed marriage when it comes to children - they will struggle either way, at least in the short/medium term. This is why it's so important to know you did everything you could to save the marriage but it's OK to abandon it if it's beyond saving.
My youngest is almost 12 now and he still regularly asks why his mum and I split up, and talks (in tears) about how he wishes we were all together as a family. I think he'll always carry the scars, despite us both doing our best to put the children first during the split. His older sister (15) is more reflective but there's no doubt it hurt her deeply and she does have a skewed view of relationships as a result.
Staying together when things are bad carries its own problems and I would argue that overall they are worse. As a man, being in a loveless, joyless marriage without any kind of intimacy when the other person makes your life difficult on a constant basis as you try to provide for your family and keep your children stable makes you feel as low as it is possible to get and no matter how well you think you're hiding it from the children, you're not.
Whatever you do here you're going to go through a very hard time here and it will affect your family. You can control it to an extent but you'll need to accept that whatever you do, it's going to hurt. Friends and family are extremely important here.
The good news it that things do get better. I have my children for half the week and my relationship with them is wonderful. Generally they are happy and well-adjusted (this has taken constant effort on my behalf) and they are doing well in life. I'm with someone else who makes me very happy and my children get on well with her - overall the children and I are in a much better place than we were but we've suffered to get here.
I wish you the best of luck with this - you'll find you have depths of character you didn't know were possible and your children will (one day) thank you for it. You do also deserve the chance to enjoy life yourself, and it's important not to lose sight of that - being a martyr does no-one any favours in the long term.
You'll also get a lot of good (and some bad) advice on here (of which mine is but one opinion) - there are a lot of us who have been through the same thing and can probably help with some of our experiences. Chin up!
If you can find my thread "has anyone used a private detective" (I can't find it at the moment for some reason - I started off as "a bit down") you may be able to get some benefit from my experiences.
It's about 4 years now since I realised things were over with my ex and we've been separated (divorce hopefully going through soon) for nearly all that time.
I agonised over staying together for the children even though my ex was behaving despicably but in the end decided enough was enough. In a nutshell what I've learned is that there's no optimal outcome to a failed marriage when it comes to children - they will struggle either way, at least in the short/medium term. This is why it's so important to know you did everything you could to save the marriage but it's OK to abandon it if it's beyond saving.
My youngest is almost 12 now and he still regularly asks why his mum and I split up, and talks (in tears) about how he wishes we were all together as a family. I think he'll always carry the scars, despite us both doing our best to put the children first during the split. His older sister (15) is more reflective but there's no doubt it hurt her deeply and she does have a skewed view of relationships as a result.
Staying together when things are bad carries its own problems and I would argue that overall they are worse. As a man, being in a loveless, joyless marriage without any kind of intimacy when the other person makes your life difficult on a constant basis as you try to provide for your family and keep your children stable makes you feel as low as it is possible to get and no matter how well you think you're hiding it from the children, you're not.
Whatever you do here you're going to go through a very hard time here and it will affect your family. You can control it to an extent but you'll need to accept that whatever you do, it's going to hurt. Friends and family are extremely important here.
The good news it that things do get better. I have my children for half the week and my relationship with them is wonderful. Generally they are happy and well-adjusted (this has taken constant effort on my behalf) and they are doing well in life. I'm with someone else who makes me very happy and my children get on well with her - overall the children and I are in a much better place than we were but we've suffered to get here.
I wish you the best of luck with this - you'll find you have depths of character you didn't know were possible and your children will (one day) thank you for it. You do also deserve the chance to enjoy life yourself, and it's important not to lose sight of that - being a martyr does no-one any favours in the long term.
You'll also get a lot of good (and some bad) advice on here (of which mine is but one opinion) - there are a lot of us who have been through the same thing and can probably help with some of our experiences. Chin up!
If it comes down to a straight decision, after all other attempts have failed, I would split now. Kids are remarkably resilient to major issues as long as they're handled gently and sensitively. Some totally honest talking between all of you will clear the air and give an opportunity for them to raise their concerns.
It's far worse to just hang on regardless - however hard you try kids will sense the tension every day.
It's far worse to just hang on regardless - however hard you try kids will sense the tension every day.
A lot perkier said:
If you can find my thread "has anyone used a private detective" (I can't find it at the moment for some reason - I started off as "a bit down") you may be able to get some benefit from my experiences.
http://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?t=118...Steve vRS said:
Oldandslow said:
Wouldn't you be better off working on arresting the spiral rather than planning for the outcome?
Trying to mate, trying. Steve vRS said:
Hmm.
My thoughts are that the kids would be better off with a base rather than swapping houses every week/ fortnight.
Anybody any views or experiences of this? I would be quite happy to have the kids but I work away intermittently so there would inevitably be a bit of swapping around.
The marriage is not over yet but we are spiralling down.
As a kid who's parents did this for nigh on 10 years let me say don't do it, you might think it's best for the kids but in my experience it's not at all.My thoughts are that the kids would be better off with a base rather than swapping houses every week/ fortnight.
Anybody any views or experiences of this? I would be quite happy to have the kids but I work away intermittently so there would inevitably be a bit of swapping around.
The marriage is not over yet but we are spiralling down.
Of course splitting up could be a whole lot worse if either of you act like dicks but the fact you're thinking about it makes me think you'll still put them first and not do that. Trust me, happy parents are much better than miserable ones.
Me and the ex split up this feb, kids are 2 and 5.
We were pretty much staying together because of the mortgage and the kids for the last two years, and had said so to each other out loud. Then someone else came along who she liked better then me, ,and i didnt want to stand in her way given that whatever we had was long dead already.
The kids are doing fine, despite the fact she has made a pretty big mess of it with the new guy (its over again already).
If there is still something to fight for, fight for it. If both of you are done, split up, get it over with. Your kids will be better off with two seperate happy parents rather then two parents who grow increasingly bitter by forcing themselves to stick together.
We were pretty much staying together because of the mortgage and the kids for the last two years, and had said so to each other out loud. Then someone else came along who she liked better then me, ,and i didnt want to stand in her way given that whatever we had was long dead already.
The kids are doing fine, despite the fact she has made a pretty big mess of it with the new guy (its over again already).
If there is still something to fight for, fight for it. If both of you are done, split up, get it over with. Your kids will be better off with two seperate happy parents rather then two parents who grow increasingly bitter by forcing themselves to stick together.
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