Joint / Separate accounts for couples - current thinking?

[Sheepshanks]

A comment in one of the sad threads about relationships prompts me to ask this and I didn't want to divert those threads, so here's a new one.

My wife an I only have a joint account and we both buy anything we want from it. I earn good money and she only ever worked part-time and now doesn't work at all. I'm fine with that.

My grown up and married daughter and her husband have individual accounts and a joint account to pay the bills. They have a toddler. He earns at least 50% more than she does - it's a public sector job so she has a good idea, but he won't discuss the precise details.

I was quite surprised to learn that he insists it's "normal" (and fair) to split the bills 50/50 and then he regards the considerable surplus he has as his money, and he thinks it's entirely reasonable that he'll disappear every other weekend with hundreds of pounds in cash and come back considerably the worse for wear and with empty pockets.

Is this really "normal"?

[carreauchompeur]

Hmmm, horses for courses, and what works for different people, but with a child I'd say the goalposts change a bit. Added to the 'not confirming salary' and disappearing he sounds like a bit of a dick.

[joshleb]

That's a tricky one, especially with the rise of feminism and equality.

Why should he pay more for the bills and stuff when they're using it nigh on equally.

[Zoon]

I pay for everything.
So am I due a refund from my wife?

[Shakermaker]

My wife and I both earn a similar amount, and currently we each have one account plus a joint account from which bills and mortgage are paid, I have a monthly standing order on payday to the joint account as does she.
It works well for us, at the moment. In the past, neither of us have been 100% prudent with our finances but having now started to "settle down" things are changing.
We don't have any children yet but once we do, I'm fairly sure the joint account will get more per month than it does currently.

However I will likely keep my current account, and keep it for expenses at work and my existing car payments etc.

[DuncB7]

I personally believe the bills should be split according to earnings. It works out around 80/20 in my household. Asking the good lady to pay 50% would cripple her financially.

Disappearing for a weekend is another issue entirely.

[BRISTOL86]

We only have a joint account despite me earning two thirds of the income. I'm fine with it. Our main goals in life are the same and we're both sensible about what we each spend on frivolities. So for as long as we're working towards the same end game it seems daft to over complicate and keep separate monies.

[DuraAce]

We have an account each and a joint one for bills. I earn more so quite happily put more than half in.

Very odd that he won't tell his wife his wage! Very strange behaviour.

[CubanPete]

Horses for courses completely.

My other half earns slightly more than me, I probably spend a bit more than her on 'joint stuff', and a bit more on fuel and the like but I don't feel hard done by as we have enough fun money and saved money will go towards long term stuff between us. We have talked about a joint account for the household bills, but haven't got round to it...

We do spend most of our non working time doing stuff together, though we do have our own interests. The chap the OP talks about does sound a bit of a knob.

[Robbins]

My OH earns considerably more than me but she still insists we pay the bills 50/50 because I'm "good with money anyway"... yeah because I have to be!

[Ultuous]

Sheepshanks said:

I was quite surprised to learn that he insists it's "normal" (and fair) to split the bills 50/50 and then he regards the considerable surplus he has as his money, and he thinks it's entirely reasonable that he'll disappear every other weekend with hundreds of pounds in cash and come back considerably the worse for wear and with empty pockets.

Is this really "normal"?

He does sound like a dick, but are we getting the full picture?...

I was in a similar position with a Mrs a few years back, and she wasn't happy with me wanting to split the 'bills' (i.e. rent/ electricity etc.) 50/50 and having the occasional 'blow-out' with friends.

Truth was that I'd be going out with the lads for a big one once every couple of months, whereas I was quite happy for her to have a 'girls night' (giving me some peace and quiet! ) most weeks, and frequently buy us both nice holidays, some of her clothes (painful as it was to see many of them land in a charity bag unworn after a few months!), pay for the weekly shop etc. etc.... When looking at the bigger picture, the truth was it was far more balanced in line with our earnings!

[RizzoTheRat]

Sheepshanks said:

he thinks it's entirely reasonable that he'll disappear every other weekend with hundreds of pounds in cash and come back considerably the worse for wear and with empty pockets.

Is this really "normal"?

I don't think so, although I suppose my wife and I both do that occasionally as I go on a few biking weekends and she goes on some dive trips.

We both have separate current accounts, mortgage and household bills come out of mine as I had the house before she moved in, she tends to buy most of the food though. We're both saving money that'll go towards our next house so it really doesn't matter who's money we spend day to day as the total in the savings pot will still be the same. She's got a chunk of "my" cash in a savings account though as it was the best way to get a second 123 account on the go.

[zarjaz1991]

Sheepshanks said:

They have a toddler. He earns at least 50% more than she does

Bloody Hell. Doing well for his age then.

[mjb1]

Me and my ex had separate bank accounts, and we split the household expenses. We used mine to pay for things like rent, bills, food, and household expenses. She used hers to pay for cider and baccy. If we had a joint account there wouldn't have been enough left over to pay for luxuries like rent and food.

For a couple without kids, generally I don't think it's unreasonable to run your finances separately - chuck in half each towards the joint household costs, each deciding how to spend their own surplus. With kids on the scene, that all changes, along with many other priorities.

[Pieman68]

We have always had separate accounts and I had a standing order set up on payday to go into her account. All of the household bills went from that account and as she was always considerably better with money than me so I was happy for that to be the situation. From the remainder in my account I pay my maintenance and debts from my previous marriage but all of the rest is then transferred over once paid.

This changed a couple of weeks ago when we got married. When we went in to change the name on her account we added me and turned this into a joint account (we had some cheques made out to us both as Mr & Mrs so needed an account to pay them in). As I was promoted and my income improved last year I use some of the monthly excess and my quarterly bonuses to pay off my debts more quickly.

We both know how much the other earns, both know how much we have in the bank (she also has a separate account which contains some money left to her by her mum last year) and discuss any major purchase. To be fair she is so prudent with money that she tends to consult on all purchases no matter how many times I tell her this is not necessary.

We were both left with debts by our previous partners and service those individually but am sure that we both consider all other income as joint income - I contribute considerably more than 50% of the household bills but know that any excess at the end of each month goes into savings as we improve our financial lot

Nearly had to go bankrupt 5 years ago but my stubborn streak and pride wouldn't allow it. Was on reduced payments on a lot of stuff for a couple of years and learned to live considerably more within my means - I now have spreadsheets with projected earnings, outgoings, contingencies and overpayments on debts for the next 18 months. If all goes to plan I will be debt free completely in 2 years time

I find it strange that you would hide your earnings and expenditure from the person you love and trust tbh

[sjg]

We have individual then a joint account for household stuff. Before marriage and kids we'd just put enough in there to cover our rent, bills, shared activities (restaurants, weekends away, etc). But then we earned similar, and lived a pretty modest lifestyle so always had enough to pay for things and sweep the remainder into savings for buying a house.

Now we're married, mortgaged, and have a baby (with associated costs) we've moved to the joint account being the primary account for income and most outgoings - we use YNAB to have a monthly budget and try to have a bit spare each month that goes into our personal accounts as guilt-free "fun money".

If you're married and there's a disparity of incomes I think it makes a lot of sense to have a common pot and both have an equal amount for discretionary personal spending.

But married and won't even discuss your salary with your wife? Major alarm bells there.

[Sheepshanks]

Ultuous said:

He does sound like a dick, but are we getting the full picture?...

I was in a similar position with a Mrs a few years back, and she wasn't happy with me wanting to split the 'bills' (i.e. rent/ electricity etc.) 50/50 and having the occasional 'blow-out' with friends.

Truth was that I'd be going out with the lads for a big one once every couple of months, whereas I was quite happy for her to have a 'girls night' (giving me some peace and quiet! ) most weeks, and frequently buy us both nice holidays, some of her clothes (painful as it was to see many of them land in a charity bag unworn after a few months!), pay for the weekly shop etc. etc.... When looking at the bigger picture, the truth was it was far more balanced in line with our earnings!

She's absolutely not a clothes and holidays person. She probably has a girls night out every couple of months but they're very tame affairs of a meal and a few drinks and she'll be home by midnight.

[Sheepshanks]

Pieman68 said:

I find it strange that you would hide your earnings and expenditure from the person you love and trust tbh

He's just a bit weird / clueless with money all round. He's one of these people who doesn't have a credit card and he operates entirely with cash.

We're sure there's nothing sinister in his weekend blowouts - he just has the money in his pocket and he goes out and spends it.

Our daughter isn't that bothered about him going out in itself, but does think the money would be better spent on the family as a whole, rather than him acting as if he's a separate entity. He's puzzled by that - as far as he's concerned it his money.

[AllTorque]

Zoon said:

I pay for everything.
So am I due a refund from my wife?

Would you be happy if it was vice versa, or do you like the feeling of power?

[Pieman68]

Sheepshanks said:

He's just a bit weird / clueless with money all round. He's one of these people who doesn't have a credit card and he operates entirely with cash.

We're sure there's nothing sinister in his weekend blowouts - he just has the money in his pocket and he goes out and spends it.

Our daughter isn't that bothered about him going out in itself, but does think the money would be better spent on the family as a whole, rather than him acting as if he's a separate entity. He's puzzled by that - as far as he's concerned it his money.

I wasn't suggesting it was sinister but would definitely consider it selfish. My OH has never questioned me or my purchases but I will still discuss them with her prior to making them

However, if they're happy it's not our place to judge or make assumptions