I need some advice
Discussion
I have been laying here awake for two hours. I am really not happy. I work very hard. Two admin days a week mean about 10 hours per admin day of phone calls and emails - exhausting. Three days a week of four hour round trip commutes are getting me down. At weekends I manage at 8 bed HMO a couple of miles down the road from us. That includes cleaning communal areas for two hours, maintaining the garden etc.
My job plus HMO earn us just shy of six figure salary (I know that is nothing compared to some of you guys on here), but I work very hard to get that. I pay the mortgage, the council tax and buy most of the food and all of my own DDs.
My beloved car died on the day we exchanged on the HMO. So I am stuck driving my daughter's horrific Kia, that we bought off a relative for her to learn in for £125. ( This one of the reasons for unhappiness). We have to save to convert the loft into a 1 bed flat at the HMO so no chance of buying a car just yet. ( I want F-Pace - she would be a good work horse).
My partner expects me to pay the mortgage, the council tax, go to the supermarket to buy the food, cook it and serve it to him. Clean and clear up. Sort out any gardening. He pays utility bills and pays his bills and will occasionally do a food shop. To top all that I only get some once a month if I am lucky. I want another child and he doesn't.
He says he loves me but I am untidy and he is tired of the accusations that he is giving it away elsewhere. I am not a tidy person I admit that, but by the time I am done working, I don't want to cook and clean and tidy up. I keep the main rooms, kitchen and my bathroom tidy but the un ironed washing tends to be dumped in the spare room and my office and the garage are a bit of tip.
When I am not working at the weekend, I just want to vegetate. I am on here or watching films online and lay in bed for hours. It's the only way I can cope with 12 hours of driving 500 miles a week plus over 40 hours of working etc.
I love my partner. He is good fun but love is not enough for me without the lovemaking. Because I am not getting any, I am frustrated and angry and generally not nice to be with.
Am I better off moving nearer work and living on my own. I feel exhausted and used. Surely physical contact is a basic human need. My partner says many people don't have much happening in the bedroom so I should be ok. Says he is not cheating. He says if I was tidy and didn't accuse him of straying he would want me.
I just feel so down and frustrated, I can't sleep and then I am tired on the road.
My job plus HMO earn us just shy of six figure salary (I know that is nothing compared to some of you guys on here), but I work very hard to get that. I pay the mortgage, the council tax and buy most of the food and all of my own DDs.
My beloved car died on the day we exchanged on the HMO. So I am stuck driving my daughter's horrific Kia, that we bought off a relative for her to learn in for £125. ( This one of the reasons for unhappiness). We have to save to convert the loft into a 1 bed flat at the HMO so no chance of buying a car just yet. ( I want F-Pace - she would be a good work horse).
My partner expects me to pay the mortgage, the council tax, go to the supermarket to buy the food, cook it and serve it to him. Clean and clear up. Sort out any gardening. He pays utility bills and pays his bills and will occasionally do a food shop. To top all that I only get some once a month if I am lucky. I want another child and he doesn't.
He says he loves me but I am untidy and he is tired of the accusations that he is giving it away elsewhere. I am not a tidy person I admit that, but by the time I am done working, I don't want to cook and clean and tidy up. I keep the main rooms, kitchen and my bathroom tidy but the un ironed washing tends to be dumped in the spare room and my office and the garage are a bit of tip.
When I am not working at the weekend, I just want to vegetate. I am on here or watching films online and lay in bed for hours. It's the only way I can cope with 12 hours of driving 500 miles a week plus over 40 hours of working etc.
I love my partner. He is good fun but love is not enough for me without the lovemaking. Because I am not getting any, I am frustrated and angry and generally not nice to be with.
Am I better off moving nearer work and living on my own. I feel exhausted and used. Surely physical contact is a basic human need. My partner says many people don't have much happening in the bedroom so I should be ok. Says he is not cheating. He says if I was tidy and didn't accuse him of straying he would want me.
I just feel so down and frustrated, I can't sleep and then I am tired on the road.
Arrange for a cleaner for the HMO and book some time off from work just by yourself.
Get yourself off that hamster wheel for a bit before talking things through with your partner again. It sounds like you have taken on a lot of responsibility but it's coming at the cost of your health and your relationship. Take the opportunity to pause and look after yourself for a bit as it sounds like you really need to give your exhausted body and mind time to properly relax and recharge.
Get yourself off that hamster wheel for a bit before talking things through with your partner again. It sounds like you have taken on a lot of responsibility but it's coming at the cost of your health and your relationship. Take the opportunity to pause and look after yourself for a bit as it sounds like you really need to give your exhausted body and mind time to properly relax and recharge.
Edited by eltawater on Wednesday 31st August 06:07
Be kind people, it's probably someone on here's missus 
I would try and offer some work advice but I didnt really follow your working week description.
Can safely say I have never been put off disappointing my missus a few times a week just because she doesn't put the lid on anything at home
I would try and offer some work advice but I didnt really follow your working week description.
Can safely say I have never been put off disappointing my missus a few times a week just because she doesn't put the lid on anything at home
Edited by Adam B on Wednesday 31st August 08:15
100k? - A year?
OK, for your own health and sanity dump the cleaning on the weekend - Owning a HMO is no fun, and bloody hard work, so think about this in a manner to give you your life back.
Put a cleaning team together for the HMO to get the cleaning done - it's a legitimate business expense, and by the time you clean on the weekend, you will be saving 40% of that cost in tax. Get these guys to come and sort your house out once or twice a week.
Do this before buying an F Pace or anything fancy. The dissatisfaction in the car is (I suspect) a reflection on your dissatisfaction with life.
Once you have your weekends back, sort your relationship out. It sounds like your partner is being at a minimum of disrespectful, and possibly downright abusive. Don't have a kid with this partner until you have sorted this out - a kid will make things 10 times worse with responsibilities you cannot walk away from.
Then sort out the car. If money is tight and you want something decent, start a what car thread on here (just don't lease it - PH will hate you for that).
OK, for your own health and sanity dump the cleaning on the weekend - Owning a HMO is no fun, and bloody hard work, so think about this in a manner to give you your life back.
Put a cleaning team together for the HMO to get the cleaning done - it's a legitimate business expense, and by the time you clean on the weekend, you will be saving 40% of that cost in tax. Get these guys to come and sort your house out once or twice a week.
Do this before buying an F Pace or anything fancy. The dissatisfaction in the car is (I suspect) a reflection on your dissatisfaction with life.
Once you have your weekends back, sort your relationship out. It sounds like your partner is being at a minimum of disrespectful, and possibly downright abusive. Don't have a kid with this partner until you have sorted this out - a kid will make things 10 times worse with responsibilities you cannot walk away from.
Then sort out the car. If money is tight and you want something decent, start a what car thread on here (just don't lease it - PH will hate you for that).
One persons problems are their own.
We earn less than 40K and live in a relatively new 3000sqf detached house with two cars, two kids and seem okay.
But then again we live somewhere up narth
We have loads of free time, don't work on evenings or weekends
Then again both our cars a renaults and neither of us own apple watches
I would only add...
What are you working for?
What are you earning for?
What are you living for?
We earn less than 40K and live in a relatively new 3000sqf detached house with two cars, two kids and seem okay.
But then again we live somewhere up narth
We have loads of free time, don't work on evenings or weekends
Then again both our cars a renaults and neither of us own apple watches
I would only add...
What are you working for?
What are you earning for?
What are you living for?
N-TY4C said:
He says he loves me but I am untidy and he is tired of the accusations that he is giving it away elsewhere.
Wow... Seek some professional help, Find time to do some exercise, eat properly,
Your very lucky, people would kill to be in your situation and your throwing it all away by being paranoid.
Come on get some perspective.
Foliage said:
Wow... Seek some professional help,
Find time to do some exercise, eat properly,
Your very lucky, people would kill to be in your situation and your throwing it all away by being paranoid.
Come on get some perspective.
Bit harsh, you could apply the "consider yourself lucky you weren't born in Afghanistan" argument to just about anything.Find time to do some exercise, eat properly,
Your very lucky, people would kill to be in your situation and your throwing it all away by being paranoid.
Come on get some perspective.
We don't know much about this husband, does he work? Why is this women paying all the mortgage? Why is he not keeping her satisfied in the bedroom? Why is he expecting she do all the cooking cleaning?
Will we ever get the answers to these questions?
bearman68 said:
100k? - A year?
OK, for your own health and sanity dump the cleaning on the weekend - Owning a HMO is no fun, and bloody hard work, so think about this in a manner to give you your life back.
Put a cleaning team together for the HMO to get the cleaning done - it's a legitimate business expense, and by the time you clean on the weekend, you will be saving 40% of that cost in tax. Get these guys to come and sort your house out once or twice a week.
Do this before buying an F Pace or anything fancy. The dissatisfaction in the car is (I suspect) a reflection on your dissatisfaction with life.
Once you have your weekends back, sort your relationship out. It sounds like your partner is being at a minimum of disrespectful, and possibly downright abusive. Don't have a kid with this partner until you have sorted this out - a kid will make things 10 times worse with responsibilities you cannot walk away from.
Then sort out the car. If money is tight and you want something decent, start a what car thread on here (just don't lease it - PH will hate you for that).
THIS,
You are not happy with your life and you should be , you've got a lot going for you so you need to re-evaluate your priorities and start living the life you want to. You've got two choices, either keep going as you are until something breaks and it all comes crashing down, or do as Bearman68 says and sort out the things that are wrong one at a time till you are happy again. It's hard to do when everything is on top of you but you have to take a step back and slow the merry-go-round down to a speed you can cope with.
OK, for your own health and sanity dump the cleaning on the weekend - Owning a HMO is no fun, and bloody hard work, so think about this in a manner to give you your life back.
Put a cleaning team together for the HMO to get the cleaning done - it's a legitimate business expense, and by the time you clean on the weekend, you will be saving 40% of that cost in tax. Get these guys to come and sort your house out once or twice a week.
Do this before buying an F Pace or anything fancy. The dissatisfaction in the car is (I suspect) a reflection on your dissatisfaction with life.
Once you have your weekends back, sort your relationship out. It sounds like your partner is being at a minimum of disrespectful, and possibly downright abusive. Don't have a kid with this partner until you have sorted this out - a kid will make things 10 times worse with responsibilities you cannot walk away from.
Then sort out the car. If money is tight and you want something decent, start a what car thread on here (just don't lease it - PH will hate you for that).
THIS,
You are not happy with your life and you should be , you've got a lot going for you so you need to re-evaluate your priorities and start living the life you want to. You've got two choices, either keep going as you are until something breaks and it all comes crashing down, or do as Bearman68 says and sort out the things that are wrong one at a time till you are happy again. It's hard to do when everything is on top of you but you have to take a step back and slow the merry-go-round down to a speed you can cope with.
Sex can be the most wonderful thing but it shouldn't be something to plan in advance or to ask for. It just has to happen when there is desire and pleasure for both. You have to just find more time for yourself, consider the care of your body and health as the first priority and when you spend time with your partner try to make it special, go out, take a walk together. If as you said you even love each other sex will follow easily.
About the amount of work you do, well, plan with your partner a most sustainable working week. Try to avoid the weekend house cleaning fisrt. If he works less than you he should do it or in alternative he should pay for it. Is there a way to avoid 12 driving hours a week? Public Transport can be a lot more relaxing. Or if he has spare time can your partner drive you to work and back? I don't mean forever but to take some breath.
About the amount of work you do, well, plan with your partner a most sustainable working week. Try to avoid the weekend house cleaning fisrt. If he works less than you he should do it or in alternative he should pay for it. Is there a way to avoid 12 driving hours a week? Public Transport can be a lot more relaxing. Or if he has spare time can your partner drive you to work and back? I don't mean forever but to take some breath.
jshell said:
Do married people use Tinder?
Yes... Had a run in/drawn out thing with a married woman. Her hubby had asked for a two week trial seperation, which had made her horrible insecure, so she took to Tinder for a self esteem boost. Little did she know she would end up matching with charming Vitorio, and things would get questionable...Didnt pork her TBH, but im fairly sure i could have if i'd been a bit more ruthless and egocentered.
OP, sounds like you are handling the lion's share of the financial/household burdens, is that correct? Id say start with dropping the HMO, people need their weekends, double so with a >full-time job. As for the lack of sex, i can sympathize, not getting any can feel incredibly rejecting and cruel... Id say start with lightening your load, and take some stress of yourself, but consider the possibility you might be happier on your own.
Also, dont get an F-pace.. Get an F-type!
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