Parent with multiple health issues / potentially suicidal
Discussion
Warning - long post...
I’m a regular poster on PH - with the mods kind permission I have created this profile to discuss a single topic as I need some wider points of view. Some people know me in real life, hence the 2nd profile.
The crux is this. My mother is in her late 60’s and not in the best of health. This is manifested in both physical and mental health issues:
Physical Health
In her early 40’s she had a severe elbow injury that caused chronic pain for about ~18 years, to the point where she had to give up driving for a long period, had very regular trips to the pain clinic (which was not that successful) and an array of drugs. The nerves had been “triggered” but would not subside their pain messaging even though the injury was healed. This left her very depressed as it impacted her mobility, freedom and her few hobbies (sewing and gardening) - fine motor skills.
In recent years she has suffered further, with arthritis, other joint issues (knees) and severe carpal tunnel in both arms.
In addition, she has had severe gastro issues with sustained admissions to hospital and struggles to eat and process food. She has had an array of tests (top down, bottom up, MRI for cancer tests, blood tests, etc). The current symptoms are a very enlarged liver -!and a very inflamed stomach due to very high acid levels. They cannot currently find the root cause. The treatments that mollify the acid levels leave her feeling sick and unable to eat.
She sleeps badly (2-4 hours a night) - due to the discomfort and only then through sheer exhaustion. She reacts badly to sleeping pills (herbal and prescription)
The surgeon is hesitant to operate on the carpal tunnel etc until the core conditions have stabilised - which they are not showing any signs of doing.
The NHS has, to be fair, been good with multiple referrals and investigations by specialists and second opinions and they seem to be talking to each other.
Mental Health
At a mental health level - she has, on a number of occasions over the last few years, expressed the desire to take her life to my father. She has exhibited all the signs of severe depression and has sustained periods of extreme unhappiness. My father (who is in reasonable physical and very good mental health) has alerted her GP - to ensure that whenever she needs an appointment for the current symptoms she can get one with no delay (and at the same time the doctor can, to some extent, monitor her mental health). She will not seek counselling or take any medication for the depression (although it has been advised that it may be hard for the latter given the drug cycle that she is on)
Mental/physical
She has also shown some early signs of a decline in mental faculties (sporadic anger, irrationality, memory loss) - she won’t allow direct tests and the GP believes that it may in part be due to the drug regimes but can’t intervene for tests. It's possible that it is a form of dementia - My father has tried the GP and support groups (for him as much as anything) but she will not engage.
Looking Ahead
The pragmatist in me says that she would be sectioned prior to something happening - given my father has his faculties and knows the warning signs - and now that the doc is watching her - though neither can never be 24x7 - but to what end?
The worst case in my mind is not that she takes her own life, as I can respect that choice - hard as it is to swallow and come to terms with - but rather it's if she tries to take her own life and fails, and ends up with years of more severe pain, paralysed or in a PVS, etc - and unable to exercise free will.
The realist in me says that if ultimately she chooses to seek relief and is of sound mind when she makes that choice - what is the role of the family? Should we actively block? Should we support her with making the decision? Should we support her physically if she makes a rational decision to do it in a planned manner?
This thread is take your wider counsel as PH has provided many with good advice over the years - and this is also a form of counselling for me. I genuinely don’t know what the future brings and clearly I’m not impartial.
TL;DR: parent wth multiple long term health issues considering suicide. Ideas and counsel needed.
I’m a regular poster on PH - with the mods kind permission I have created this profile to discuss a single topic as I need some wider points of view. Some people know me in real life, hence the 2nd profile.
The crux is this. My mother is in her late 60’s and not in the best of health. This is manifested in both physical and mental health issues:
Physical Health
In her early 40’s she had a severe elbow injury that caused chronic pain for about ~18 years, to the point where she had to give up driving for a long period, had very regular trips to the pain clinic (which was not that successful) and an array of drugs. The nerves had been “triggered” but would not subside their pain messaging even though the injury was healed. This left her very depressed as it impacted her mobility, freedom and her few hobbies (sewing and gardening) - fine motor skills.
In recent years she has suffered further, with arthritis, other joint issues (knees) and severe carpal tunnel in both arms.
In addition, she has had severe gastro issues with sustained admissions to hospital and struggles to eat and process food. She has had an array of tests (top down, bottom up, MRI for cancer tests, blood tests, etc). The current symptoms are a very enlarged liver -!and a very inflamed stomach due to very high acid levels. They cannot currently find the root cause. The treatments that mollify the acid levels leave her feeling sick and unable to eat.
She sleeps badly (2-4 hours a night) - due to the discomfort and only then through sheer exhaustion. She reacts badly to sleeping pills (herbal and prescription)
The surgeon is hesitant to operate on the carpal tunnel etc until the core conditions have stabilised - which they are not showing any signs of doing.
The NHS has, to be fair, been good with multiple referrals and investigations by specialists and second opinions and they seem to be talking to each other.
Mental Health
At a mental health level - she has, on a number of occasions over the last few years, expressed the desire to take her life to my father. She has exhibited all the signs of severe depression and has sustained periods of extreme unhappiness. My father (who is in reasonable physical and very good mental health) has alerted her GP - to ensure that whenever she needs an appointment for the current symptoms she can get one with no delay (and at the same time the doctor can, to some extent, monitor her mental health). She will not seek counselling or take any medication for the depression (although it has been advised that it may be hard for the latter given the drug cycle that she is on)
Mental/physical
She has also shown some early signs of a decline in mental faculties (sporadic anger, irrationality, memory loss) - she won’t allow direct tests and the GP believes that it may in part be due to the drug regimes but can’t intervene for tests. It's possible that it is a form of dementia - My father has tried the GP and support groups (for him as much as anything) but she will not engage.
Looking Ahead
- At a practical level I live 300 miles away and have a young daughter, work commitments, etc. I would like my daughter to see more of her grandparents as I think that would help (at least I don't think it would harm) but it's non trivial to do this on a very regular basis.
- She can’t travel for the above reasons of health and doesn’t really want me around when I do go to see her - although I am the only family aside from my father. I think it is because she doesn't want me to see her in this state...
- As further background, I was brought up in a very “scientific” and humanist household where there was no belief in God or religion - I don’t personally believe in God and nor does she, so there is no “going to Gods place for her” in her mind, death is death
- We as a family have always discussed that it is “our life” and great believers in a right to choose end points (living wills,etc)
- Taken individually none of the symptoms have a massive impact on quality of life. Together they do and I understand where she is coming from.
- She’s my mum and your parents are immortal, they have always been in your life and contemplating life without them is very hard. I'm in my 40s and consider myself lucky that I have had them this long as many children are not so lucky.
- That is balanced with not wanting to see continual pain over a multi-decade period and unable to partake in even simple pleasures.
- The chronic pain has changed her, made her very unhappy with no immediate outlook for good health and I think her consideration of suicide will increase if there are no material health improvements
The pragmatist in me says that she would be sectioned prior to something happening - given my father has his faculties and knows the warning signs - and now that the doc is watching her - though neither can never be 24x7 - but to what end?
The worst case in my mind is not that she takes her own life, as I can respect that choice - hard as it is to swallow and come to terms with - but rather it's if she tries to take her own life and fails, and ends up with years of more severe pain, paralysed or in a PVS, etc - and unable to exercise free will.
The realist in me says that if ultimately she chooses to seek relief and is of sound mind when she makes that choice - what is the role of the family? Should we actively block? Should we support her with making the decision? Should we support her physically if she makes a rational decision to do it in a planned manner?
This thread is take your wider counsel as PH has provided many with good advice over the years - and this is also a form of counselling for me. I genuinely don’t know what the future brings and clearly I’m not impartial.
TL;DR: parent wth multiple long term health issues considering suicide. Ideas and counsel needed.
Sorry to hear this, never an easy subject. It sounds to me that your mother has reach her tipping point with what is going on, the pain and constant prodding to find the reason for it all is enough to make the strongest person say no more. Your right, parents are supposed to be immortal, it's something I'm struggling to understand when I visit my dad. Your father needs your support, and having the little one around can make a difference, kids and laughter! I know it's probably no help, but my thoughts are with you
Gassing Station | Health Matters | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff