Anyone else had a lonely struggle?
Discussion
I thought I would punt this one out into the ether as my shit has hit the fan, I've forgot what Christian in 'Pilgrims Progress' did, but I don't recall pistonheads being around, I think his solution was God or something equally unsatisfactory, or did his burden just drive him into the ground. When Bunyon realised that Christian was nowhere to be seen, did the book just stop there?
I've had a big burden in the last few years and I've sort of realised that I'm on my own, which isn't very nice. I've got loads of mates, but not mates who give a shit, not mates who say "Are you allright mate?"
I've had a few big defeats career wise and for some reason, I'm always on my own afterwards. I went to the doctor and had a chat about depression, he said that is was due to my life, not due to my head! (Thanks Doc!) Anyway, I've been pretty lonely and my distraction activities don't seem to be working anymore. Went out with my chums/their birds and was gooseberry, enjoyed being treated like I wasn't there and listening to them talk about my ex. For the first time, I feel like I'm a prisoner in my own life. That sounds a bit odd, doesn't it?
I figure I can't be the only truly lonely bloke. Does anyone else know what I'm on about?
(regular poster)
I've had a big burden in the last few years and I've sort of realised that I'm on my own, which isn't very nice. I've got loads of mates, but not mates who give a shit, not mates who say "Are you allright mate?"
I've had a few big defeats career wise and for some reason, I'm always on my own afterwards. I went to the doctor and had a chat about depression, he said that is was due to my life, not due to my head! (Thanks Doc!) Anyway, I've been pretty lonely and my distraction activities don't seem to be working anymore. Went out with my chums/their birds and was gooseberry, enjoyed being treated like I wasn't there and listening to them talk about my ex. For the first time, I feel like I'm a prisoner in my own life. That sounds a bit odd, doesn't it?
I figure I can't be the only truly lonely bloke. Does anyone else know what I'm on about?
(regular poster)
Yes.
You need friends more than mates.
And probably a complete rethink of how you are going to live your life.
And no dwelling on negatives - you need patting on the back now and again to reinforce your ego. There are loads of ways to sort things out....make it your project to self improve eg get down the library for some light psychology books on how to cope with stress/depression.
Good luck - and think yourself a better life.
You need friends more than mates.
And probably a complete rethink of how you are going to live your life.
And no dwelling on negatives - you need patting on the back now and again to reinforce your ego. There are loads of ways to sort things out....make it your project to self improve eg get down the library for some light psychology books on how to cope with stress/depression.
Good luck - and think yourself a better life.
I think you'll find there are a lot of people who've had similar struggles, and been on their own at times.
It isn't the end of the world, more an opportunity to take stock of your life, and change the things you're not happy with. That can lead to some difficult decisions, but nobody said life is easy, right?
If you have good health, no money worries, a reasonable prospect of years of life (in other words, you're not in your 50s/60's already), then there is no reason other than inertia to stop you from changing your life for the better.
However, do you actually want to change, or go back to the life you had before, because you were in a comfort zone? It is very difficult to get out of the comfy habit, and wishing for it when it goes missing always leads to solitude, and often unhappiness.
Can you change career? That might lead to new opportunities with money, friends and love potential.
If it is love you're after, try dating agencies etc. It's possibly a bit demeaning, but you never know...
Above all, don't despair. Be honest in assessing what you want from this life, and bear in mind that it's not a rehearsal for something else - this is your one shot at it!
Be bold - it makes you believe in yourself, and gives you the purpose in life you currently lack. What have you got to lose, apart from the past?
Edited to add - I have been on my own, and I can assure you things get better. Just stick in there, and enjoy your freedom. You are your own boss at the moment, and that's a very fortunate position to be in.
Maybe ask your doctor to refer you for counselling, or contact RELATE - they do all types of counselling, and it may help put your problems into perspective.
Oh, and get along to a few PH meets!
>> Edited by nubbin on Saturday 12th March 12:06
It isn't the end of the world, more an opportunity to take stock of your life, and change the things you're not happy with. That can lead to some difficult decisions, but nobody said life is easy, right?
If you have good health, no money worries, a reasonable prospect of years of life (in other words, you're not in your 50s/60's already), then there is no reason other than inertia to stop you from changing your life for the better.
However, do you actually want to change, or go back to the life you had before, because you were in a comfort zone? It is very difficult to get out of the comfy habit, and wishing for it when it goes missing always leads to solitude, and often unhappiness.
Can you change career? That might lead to new opportunities with money, friends and love potential.
If it is love you're after, try dating agencies etc. It's possibly a bit demeaning, but you never know...
Above all, don't despair. Be honest in assessing what you want from this life, and bear in mind that it's not a rehearsal for something else - this is your one shot at it!
Be bold - it makes you believe in yourself, and gives you the purpose in life you currently lack. What have you got to lose, apart from the past?
Edited to add - I have been on my own, and I can assure you things get better. Just stick in there, and enjoy your freedom. You are your own boss at the moment, and that's a very fortunate position to be in.
Maybe ask your doctor to refer you for counselling, or contact RELATE - they do all types of counselling, and it may help put your problems into perspective.
Oh, and get along to a few PH meets!
>> Edited by nubbin on Saturday 12th March 12:06
As someone who's seen those close to me succumb to depression, and who has found himself on the brink, it is not to be underestimated.
Fighting it is difficult, as I would define it as a lack of spirit, a lack of desire to fight, to change, to make things better. This is why it can be so debilitating if not caught and overcome.
You need to assess all aspects of your life, and try, unemotionally, to decide which you enjoy, which give you challenge and drive and stimulus, which are necessary if mundane...and which are not helping you in any way at all.
The key ones are, obviously:-
- Job (the role, the colleagues, the bosses, the career path - all separately and collectively)
- Family
- Friends (collectively as a group, but also as individuals - In the past I grew to realise that I was being drawn down by a group, but two people in that group are still good friends...possibly the better for my/our having emerged from that group.
- House/location - are you happy/comfortable where you live - is it a refuge or somewhere you avoid?
There may be other things in your life that are there or are missing - sports/games/hobbies, fitness/health, maybe you are stressed about your car at the moment.
In summary, you need to identify your stress factors, and also the positives in your life...then decide what you can or can't do about each...some stress you may just have to live with in the short term.
Final thought to remember - if other things are getting you down, you are likely to be less tolerant towards those things which are mostly good for you but can still stress you out...remember that when thinking about/dealing with friends and family especially - be as level-headed as you can.
I would suggest writing things down (securely), and talking to someone you can trust...even if that person is a stranger who you trust in their professional capacity - their detachment from the situation may be more beneficial than someone who is too close to it all, or is emotionally invested in you.
Sorry for the long post, hope it helps.
Fighting it is difficult, as I would define it as a lack of spirit, a lack of desire to fight, to change, to make things better. This is why it can be so debilitating if not caught and overcome.
You need to assess all aspects of your life, and try, unemotionally, to decide which you enjoy, which give you challenge and drive and stimulus, which are necessary if mundane...and which are not helping you in any way at all.
The key ones are, obviously:-
- Job (the role, the colleagues, the bosses, the career path - all separately and collectively)
- Family
- Friends (collectively as a group, but also as individuals - In the past I grew to realise that I was being drawn down by a group, but two people in that group are still good friends...possibly the better for my/our having emerged from that group.
- House/location - are you happy/comfortable where you live - is it a refuge or somewhere you avoid?
There may be other things in your life that are there or are missing - sports/games/hobbies, fitness/health, maybe you are stressed about your car at the moment.
In summary, you need to identify your stress factors, and also the positives in your life...then decide what you can or can't do about each...some stress you may just have to live with in the short term.
Final thought to remember - if other things are getting you down, you are likely to be less tolerant towards those things which are mostly good for you but can still stress you out...remember that when thinking about/dealing with friends and family especially - be as level-headed as you can.
I would suggest writing things down (securely), and talking to someone you can trust...even if that person is a stranger who you trust in their professional capacity - their detachment from the situation may be more beneficial than someone who is too close to it all, or is emotionally invested in you.
Sorry for the long post, hope it helps.
pzero64 said:
"pull youself together, stop wallowing"
Do you know, I find that bl00dy good advice sometimes, and the only people who say it are the ones who really care.
All I can say is, they human mind and body is an incredible gift, be strong and take heart that things will get better.
As I said. Its a perspective thing, which affects a lot of people as you can see.
finding someone face to face, in who you can confide, is more easy, than you might think.
As, how many times have you been advised by a person, that
"smithy, over there is a bit miserable sometimes,"
its suprising how deep/sympathetic & perceptive, some people are
finding someone face to face, in who you can confide, is more easy, than you might think.
As, how many times have you been advised by a person, that
"smithy, over there is a bit miserable sometimes,"
its suprising how deep/sympathetic & perceptive, some people are
there is no easy answer but, from personal experience, at all costs try and resist being prescribed drugs. this is the route that most gp's will take, sadly.
try this:
http://hobbes.ncsa.uiuc.edu/desiderata.html
i know you may read it, if you follow the link above, and think it's rather twee but i love its simple, positive philosophy. i often read it.
good luck!
try this:
http://hobbes.ncsa.uiuc.edu/desiderata.html
i know you may read it, if you follow the link above, and think it's rather twee but i love its simple, positive philosophy. i often read it.
good luck!
Sorry, I apologise in advance, I know this is totally inappropriate, but did anyone else see this...
...and think it was a thread about masturbating?
Anyway, I generally find the best way out of these situations is to plan out a strategy and execute it with 100% of what you've got. Make sure you have contingency plans and try a make a shift in your perception. It sounds cliched, but if you can see losing a job as 'just one of those things' and think, 'oh well, this at least gives me a chance to try something new' it will get you a long way.
Ultimately, it's up to you to get your life sorted. If you try hard enough and don't let a few defeats beat you, you can turn it around. There are certainly many people in much worse situations who do.
Best of luck.
roadie.
optimus prime said:
ANYONE ELSE HAD A LONELY STRUGGLE?
...and think it was a thread about masturbating?
Anyway, I generally find the best way out of these situations is to plan out a strategy and execute it with 100% of what you've got. Make sure you have contingency plans and try a make a shift in your perception. It sounds cliched, but if you can see losing a job as 'just one of those things' and think, 'oh well, this at least gives me a chance to try something new' it will get you a long way.
Ultimately, it's up to you to get your life sorted. If you try hard enough and don't let a few defeats beat you, you can turn it around. There are certainly many people in much worse situations who do.
Best of luck.
roadie.
I can identify with your situation cos thats where i am right now.
Maybe thats the reason i always come across as so angry, cynical, biter even....
However, handle the situation i must because i cant do anything else with it.
Its not ideal but its all i can do until the shit stops hitting the spinning fan that IS my life.
Tee shirt, books and film for sale.
Maybe thats the reason i always come across as so angry, cynical, biter even....
However, handle the situation i must because i cant do anything else with it.
Its not ideal but its all i can do until the shit stops hitting the spinning fan that IS my life.
Tee shirt, books and film for sale.
Your problem is you care about people WAYYYYYYY TOOOOOO much have more of a f
k 'em attitude. Drink more beer play more sports, have sex less, being too nice is a weakness, and you my friend are suffering because, you obviously care about our "mates" yet they don't give a stuff about you as much, don't risk your life and sanity to care for others who do not reciprocate. It WORKS.
>> Edited by Beaconbouy on Saturday 12th March 14:07
k 'em attitude. Drink more beer play more sports, have sex less, being too nice is a weakness, and you my friend are suffering because, you obviously care about our "mates" yet they don't give a stuff about you as much, don't risk your life and sanity to care for others who do not reciprocate. It WORKS. >> Edited by Beaconbouy on Saturday 12th March 14:07
I usually avoid posting personal stuff on here, but you seem worth it. My advice, and it worked for me, is to sit down and write down how you are really thinking. Write down what the root cause of those problems are. (You need to be completely honest with yourself.) When you have done this you will be able to set yourself targets to address each of those issues. Now, you may not be able to resolve some of the problems immediately. You have to accept the fact that you will be making some fairly major decisions which may indeed have a massive impact on your life. You have to take courage and firmly believe that, no matter how hard it seems and indeed will be, things will be better.
After a few months (I waited four months) write down how you are feeling and analise the issues that you had. Hopefully at this stage you will have tackled some of your problems and overcome them.
The fact that your doctor said that the problem was with your life and not your head is excellent knews. This means that you don't need counselling or, God forbid, anti-depressants. I was given the same mental clear bill of health eighteen months ago. The problems that I had were with the people around me. Onwards and upwards. Life is too short to waste time with people who hold you back or make you feel anything less than good about yourself.
>> Edited by EmmaP on Saturday 12th March 14:23
After a few months (I waited four months) write down how you are feeling and analise the issues that you had. Hopefully at this stage you will have tackled some of your problems and overcome them.
The fact that your doctor said that the problem was with your life and not your head is excellent knews. This means that you don't need counselling or, God forbid, anti-depressants. I was given the same mental clear bill of health eighteen months ago. The problems that I had were with the people around me. Onwards and upwards. Life is too short to waste time with people who hold you back or make you feel anything less than good about yourself.
>> Edited by EmmaP on Saturday 12th March 14:23
As someone who is no stranger to the black dog of depression, I can understand. There are people in this world who seem sentanced to simply "think too much" , maybe, and who seem to be hard-wired to a sense of detachment and solitude.
I look at members of my own family sometimes and wonder how they seem to pull off the trick of being happy. It does not seem false, or a brave face on their part, it seems genuine, and I often wonder how they seem to wear the clothes of contentment so easily.
For me it always seems that the suit does'nt quite fit right, or it is not fully comfortable. And this can end up being a very isolating thing, because other people cannot see the struggle inside.
The only advice I can give is to keep busy. Fill your time up with things that need to be done. And when the good times happen, cherish them and keep them inside your head. You may need to recall them later.
Maybe you are one of those people who are wired in this way. I think i am. After a while you might find that you become more comfortable with the detachment, somehow treating the mindset it brings as a companion. You then end up living with it and accepting it, and pretty soon you find that life is being lived and time is passing by, and that you are OK.
One day you may catch yourself in the mirror, know who you are , see the burdens that you carry, and accept them anyway.
Try and understand that things will be OK. They really will.
And best wishes to you.
I look at members of my own family sometimes and wonder how they seem to pull off the trick of being happy. It does not seem false, or a brave face on their part, it seems genuine, and I often wonder how they seem to wear the clothes of contentment so easily.
For me it always seems that the suit does'nt quite fit right, or it is not fully comfortable. And this can end up being a very isolating thing, because other people cannot see the struggle inside.
The only advice I can give is to keep busy. Fill your time up with things that need to be done. And when the good times happen, cherish them and keep them inside your head. You may need to recall them later.
Maybe you are one of those people who are wired in this way. I think i am. After a while you might find that you become more comfortable with the detachment, somehow treating the mindset it brings as a companion. You then end up living with it and accepting it, and pretty soon you find that life is being lived and time is passing by, and that you are OK.
One day you may catch yourself in the mirror, know who you are , see the burdens that you carry, and accept them anyway.
Try and understand that things will be OK. They really will.
And best wishes to you.
My 2p worth; the one time I've ever been close to the feelings you describe, I did something that worked for me.
I put on some running shoes and left the house.
I ran and ran and ran (and I am not a fit man)
thinking while i was in a state of painful exhaustion really cleared my head.
When I got back (about 3 hours later) I was knackered, but my resolve to sort my stuff out was back...
good luck mate, chin up.
I put on some running shoes and left the house.
I ran and ran and ran (and I am not a fit man)
thinking while i was in a state of painful exhaustion really cleared my head.
When I got back (about 3 hours later) I was knackered, but my resolve to sort my stuff out was back...
good luck mate, chin up.
Hi optimus, I can definitely understand where you are coming from. I grew up a "latch key kid" both parents worked and 2 older siblings involved in after school activities helped make me a loner for most of my life. I have also suffered from depression for as long as I can remember and had low self esteem.
Would have to agree with the above statements though in that if you want to improve your life for the positive there are many things you can do but "you" have to do them. I have found that exercise is one of the keys to me feeling better overall,going back to school has forced me to socialize with new and different people and having a roommate from half way around the world to talk to has helped me to see things from another point of view as well.
Even joining Piston Heads I think is helping me, conversing on here has got to be better then sitting in front of the boob tube.
I also know that saying all of this get out there and do it stuff is nearly impossible to do when you are feeling down, but do what ever it takes, talk to your doctor, get meds from him if you need to, do what ever you have to to find the key to your feeling better!
Would have to agree with the above statements though in that if you want to improve your life for the positive there are many things you can do but "you" have to do them. I have found that exercise is one of the keys to me feeling better overall,going back to school has forced me to socialize with new and different people and having a roommate from half way around the world to talk to has helped me to see things from another point of view as well.
Even joining Piston Heads I think is helping me, conversing on here has got to be better then sitting in front of the boob tube.
I also know that saying all of this get out there and do it stuff is nearly impossible to do when you are feeling down, but do what ever it takes, talk to your doctor, get meds from him if you need to, do what ever you have to to find the key to your feeling better!
been there (and got the t-shirt).
split up with a group of friends a few years ago and haven't really looked back. they were okay as friends to hang about with but were constantly dragging me down and i thought i could do better.
it's been a lonely struggle, but as mentioned in an earlier post, you just have to trundle on through the sh*t of life and search for that glimmer of light...
been said before, but for me it was a case of removing the 'bad' things in my life (e.g. stressful job, unreliable friends/girl) and hanging on to the good things (e.g. mum n dad, music and other hobbies).
i have moved home since and changed jobs twice, and life is definitely better than before.
oh and avoid debt, drugs and anti-depressants.
jeez. could someone please pass me a hanky?
it's bizarre what the causes can be attributed to - in my case it was living in the suburbs, so i took the chance to work in new york for a year and upon return to uk i knew, for my inner peace, i had to live in either a vibrant city centre or a tranquil village. for now, i have chosen the latter. all uk cities seem a bit tame after new york ;-)
the sheer mind-numbing blandness of suburbia, even though having a very nice large home, was literally "doing my head in" and the inane "keeping up with the joneses" characteristics of my neighbours caused me to ponder "is this it?" ... the extremes of living in a vibrant city centre or a quiet village may seem odd but worked for me.
sometimes it's the most unexpected things that are the cause.
>> Edited by egoboss on Saturday 12th March 15:38
the sheer mind-numbing blandness of suburbia, even though having a very nice large home, was literally "doing my head in" and the inane "keeping up with the joneses" characteristics of my neighbours caused me to ponder "is this it?" ... the extremes of living in a vibrant city centre or a quiet village may seem odd but worked for me.
sometimes it's the most unexpected things that are the cause.
>> Edited by egoboss on Saturday 12th March 15:38
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