Dad died, Mum lonely - Warden controlled?
Discussion
Dad died in 2013, left mum (77yo) on her own in a big bungalow with 1/2 acre of land on top of a steep drive. She wanted to sell as she couldn't keep up with the ...upkeep. The bungalow was sold to a cash buyer for £70k less than normal market price due to a mine shaft within 20m of the property. Mum found a nice 2-bed semi-detached bungalow for £145k and moved in last summer, more or less using all the money.
She has now changed. She is becoming a bitter woman. Her sisters (of which there are still 6 alive) have slowly stopped visiting. She refuses to visit them as 'they don't come here'. My sister, brother and I have also stopped going round so often as she slags off everyone and everything. She moans that no-one visits and she's lonely. It's obviously spiralling.
I suggested she move into a warden controlled flat or small community. She gets on well with other people in the street and when she's out shopping and I think she would be excellent company for other older people if she was in a little community. I think she would be happier and we would get on better.
When I suggested it she scoffed, saying I was trying to put her into a home.
Is the warden-controlled living what I'm thinking about? What else is out there to suggest to her?
Any experiences?
She has now changed. She is becoming a bitter woman. Her sisters (of which there are still 6 alive) have slowly stopped visiting. She refuses to visit them as 'they don't come here'. My sister, brother and I have also stopped going round so often as she slags off everyone and everything. She moans that no-one visits and she's lonely. It's obviously spiralling.
I suggested she move into a warden controlled flat or small community. She gets on well with other people in the street and when she's out shopping and I think she would be excellent company for other older people if she was in a little community. I think she would be happier and we would get on better.
When I suggested it she scoffed, saying I was trying to put her into a home.
Is the warden-controlled living what I'm thinking about? What else is out there to suggest to her?
Any experiences?
My gran (89 now, 88 at the time) moved into a warden-assisted place last year after it became clear she was unable to properly look after herself.
So far, it is going very well.
She was living way up in the Lake District, where she had bought a house with my grandad back in about 1952 and so my mum, uncles and aunt all grew up there, but have all since moved south. Ever since my grandad died in 2009 it has been tough, the big family house too much for a woman in her 80s with diminishing health.
We initially had some live-in help who worked Monday one week through to Friday the following week with my mum and her siblings visiting every time; which became more and more arduous driving from Sussex, Shropshire or Cambridgeshire every week, and of course, getting expensive.
Now though, the warden assisted place is doing her very well, though its certainly closer to a "home" than a separate flat she has some degree of freedom in the complex where she lives. Now that she has the early onset of dementia/alzheimers, its easier as well. She keeps forgetting things such as the fact my aunt divorced her husband 11 years ago, she forgets that she hasn't got her car anymore and keeps saying she will be coming to visit me whenever I talk to her on the phone but she can't find her keys.
She is also now living just 10 minutes away from my aunt in Shropshire, and whilst it sounds a little selfish, it is much easier for all of the family to go and visit her but without the worry factor as well - None of us are medical professionals with the knowledge of how to deal with every one of her needs but she is in a friendly environment with those that do know it.
Looking forward to her 90th birthday in a couple of weeks time as well.
So far, it is going very well.
She was living way up in the Lake District, where she had bought a house with my grandad back in about 1952 and so my mum, uncles and aunt all grew up there, but have all since moved south. Ever since my grandad died in 2009 it has been tough, the big family house too much for a woman in her 80s with diminishing health.
We initially had some live-in help who worked Monday one week through to Friday the following week with my mum and her siblings visiting every time; which became more and more arduous driving from Sussex, Shropshire or Cambridgeshire every week, and of course, getting expensive.
Now though, the warden assisted place is doing her very well, though its certainly closer to a "home" than a separate flat she has some degree of freedom in the complex where she lives. Now that she has the early onset of dementia/alzheimers, its easier as well. She keeps forgetting things such as the fact my aunt divorced her husband 11 years ago, she forgets that she hasn't got her car anymore and keeps saying she will be coming to visit me whenever I talk to her on the phone but she can't find her keys.
She is also now living just 10 minutes away from my aunt in Shropshire, and whilst it sounds a little selfish, it is much easier for all of the family to go and visit her but without the worry factor as well - None of us are medical professionals with the knowledge of how to deal with every one of her needs but she is in a friendly environment with those that do know it.
Looking forward to her 90th birthday in a couple of weeks time as well.
Did exactly that with our mum when dad died as additionally she wasn't that mobile.
Plus points
- as you say plenty of people around to socialise with
- where our mum was also had 'restaurant' where they could get a meal if they didn't want to cook
- sself-contained flat so had her own space
Minus points
- people. Plenty of people who were at differing stages of dementia, but not bad enough to be in a different care scheme.
- given it was an old-peoples place, old people die, and in surprising numbers. So she may get upset if her new friends keep popping off
- cost. Mum rented so it was rent + council tax + share of upkeep + 5 hours min/week 'help' with stuff (cleaning ironing etc)
- though it was 24/7 monitored, mum sucummbed to a condition that she may have survived had she been 'looked-in-on' more regularly that they said they would/did
Plus points
- as you say plenty of people around to socialise with
- where our mum was also had 'restaurant' where they could get a meal if they didn't want to cook
- sself-contained flat so had her own space
Minus points
- people. Plenty of people who were at differing stages of dementia, but not bad enough to be in a different care scheme.
- given it was an old-peoples place, old people die, and in surprising numbers. So she may get upset if her new friends keep popping off
- cost. Mum rented so it was rent + council tax + share of upkeep + 5 hours min/week 'help' with stuff (cleaning ironing etc)
- though it was 24/7 monitored, mum sucummbed to a condition that she may have survived had she been 'looked-in-on' more regularly that they said they would/did
Warden assisted is usually lighter-touch than that, really just normal self-contained flats just with emergency alarms for if they fall or get stuck in bed/bath. Some are better designed for the less mobile, high-level ovens, wider doors, etc. Usually there's a common area and some activities put on.
Some do go further though and blur the line between that and residential care by doing more active checking on or care of residents, but they still "live" in a self-contained flat rather than just a room.
One of my grandmothers lived in a warden-assisted flat for several years after my grandfather died - again, big house that was difficult to maintain and without much in the way of family nearby, it made sense to move closer to my parents and her sister. She liked it, but when she did reach the point of not being able to live independently she had to move on to residential care as what they could offer was very limited.
Some do go further though and blur the line between that and residential care by doing more active checking on or care of residents, but they still "live" in a self-contained flat rather than just a room.
One of my grandmothers lived in a warden-assisted flat for several years after my grandfather died - again, big house that was difficult to maintain and without much in the way of family nearby, it made sense to move closer to my parents and her sister. She liked it, but when she did reach the point of not being able to live independently she had to move on to residential care as what they could offer was very limited.
Edited by sjg on Wednesday 9th November 16:17
She is still quite mobile and has all her faculties. It is the loneliness/social thing that concerns us. We all have our own families, I'm a single parent, my sister is a BA stewardess so out the country for a week at a time or more. My brother is unemployed and pops round when he wants to borrow some cash...
Hoofy said:
I know this is PH but... how about attending a local church?
No way. She isnt into all that. I've suggested 'coffee mornings' in the local community hub. Lots of elderly go there and she could even help out making the tea/coffee, make new friends etc. She isn't interested in much. I've even suggested seeing the DR, giving anti-depressants to her.My aunt recently bought into one of these units in her early 70s. She really enjoys it, they frequently organise bingo days and curry nights etc in the public space, her only complaint is similar to one of the above is she says that one or two of her neighbours really should be in assisted living as they are pretty 'far gone' to be living on their own, she says it is well worth it for the security though.
Fastchas said:
Hoofy said:
I know this is PH but... how about attending a local church?
No way. She isnt into all that. I've suggested 'coffee mornings' in the local community hub. Lots of elderly go there and she could even help out making the tea/coffee, make new friends etc. She isn't interested in much. I've even suggested seeing the DR, giving anti-depressants to her.Fastchas said:
Dad died in 2013, left mum (77yo) on her own in a big bungalow with 1/2 acre of land on top of a steep drive. She wanted to sell as she couldn't keep up with the ...upkeep. The bungalow was sold to a cash buyer for £70k less than normal market price due to a mine shaft within 20m of the property. Mum found a nice 2-bed semi-detached bungalow for £145k and moved in last summer, more or less using all the money.
She has now changed. She is becoming a bitter woman. Her sisters (of which there are still 6 alive) have slowly stopped visiting. She refuses to visit them as 'they don't come here'. My sister, brother and I have also stopped going round so often as she slags off everyone and everything. She moans that no-one visits and she's lonely. It's obviously spiralling.
I suggested she move into a warden controlled flat or small community. She gets on well with other people in the street and when she's out shopping and I think she would be excellent company for other older people if she was in a little community. I think she would be happier and we would get on better.
When I suggested it she scoffed, saying I was trying to put her into a home.
Is the warden-controlled living what I'm thinking about? What else is out there to suggest to her?
Any experiences?
My Grandparents moved into a Warden controlled flat in a bigger complex with the warden on site 24 hours and a common room. They got a wee call via intercom in the morning which was the only compulsory contact everything else was voluntary. Lots of coffee mornings,keep fit, bingo, book club stuff going on most days and they could dip in and out as much or as little as they liked. When Granddad died the place really proved its worth and provided a support network for my Gran. She has now changed. She is becoming a bitter woman. Her sisters (of which there are still 6 alive) have slowly stopped visiting. She refuses to visit them as 'they don't come here'. My sister, brother and I have also stopped going round so often as she slags off everyone and everything. She moans that no-one visits and she's lonely. It's obviously spiralling.
I suggested she move into a warden controlled flat or small community. She gets on well with other people in the street and when she's out shopping and I think she would be excellent company for other older people if she was in a little community. I think she would be happier and we would get on better.
When I suggested it she scoffed, saying I was trying to put her into a home.
Is the warden-controlled living what I'm thinking about? What else is out there to suggest to her?
Any experiences?
How 'old' is your mum?
You've said that she's 77, but age effects us all differently. If she's active, healthy, ambulant and financially independent she's probably not yet ready for sheltered accommodation and will resent being shoved towards it. She's already lost her husband and her marital home, so in her mind, the only thing she may feel that has left, is her independence
It's only 3 years since her husband died, so like most relatively new widows and widowers, she's probably lonely and depressed and that depression is manifesting itself in grumpiness. Are there no hobby or interest groups that she can become more involved with? She needs company much more than a change of address
You've said that she's 77, but age effects us all differently. If she's active, healthy, ambulant and financially independent she's probably not yet ready for sheltered accommodation and will resent being shoved towards it. She's already lost her husband and her marital home, so in her mind, the only thing she may feel that has left, is her independence
It's only 3 years since her husband died, so like most relatively new widows and widowers, she's probably lonely and depressed and that depression is manifesting itself in grumpiness. Are there no hobby or interest groups that she can become more involved with? She needs company much more than a change of address
Sounds like she needs some interaction with someone who's just going to listen to her and not suggest what's wrong and how to fix it. She might just like a grumble (my now departed Granddad did. All the time). It's hard to juggle the time to fit in a session with Mum if she's a cranky old battleaxe, but someone's got to do it. It's probably not a 'oh, you brought up this problem, here's how I think you should fix it' conversation she needs to have (many times). It's a 'oh, that's terrible, how do you cope' discussion where she gets stuff off her chest
Putting her in a home is probably a bt early from what you've said.
If you cant do that, it might help to find someone around her who can be more interested. Some people want paying for that, up to you whether you front it. To clarify, I dont mean a stripper or anything, but more probably like home help, even if they dont actually do anything other than just listen.
Putting her in a home is probably a bt early from what you've said.
If you cant do that, it might help to find someone around her who can be more interested. Some people want paying for that, up to you whether you front it. To clarify, I dont mean a stripper or anything, but more probably like home help, even if they dont actually do anything other than just listen.
Fastchas said:
Hoofy said:
I know this is PH but... how about attending a local church?
No way. She isnt into all that. I've suggested 'coffee mornings' in the local community hub. Lots of elderly go there and she could even help out making the tea/coffee, make new friends etc. She isn't interested in much. I've even suggested seeing the DR, giving anti-depressants to her.sjg said:
Warden assisted is usually lighter-touch than that, really just normal self-contained flats just with emergency alarms for if they fall or get stuck in bed/bath. Some are better designed for the less mobile, high-level ovens, wider doors, etc. Usually there's a common area and some activities put on.
My great-gran lived her last 15 years in one of these and loved it - she still had her own space to do with as she wished, but also had 24/7 help/care available and the social benefits of having 50 other residents and various other common areas.When my dad died, my mum had a really tough time - a few half-hearted suicide attempts (before one which finally finished her off) - but this was over 10 years - so there were some ups and downs along the way.
Anyway - she volunteered at the local hospital. Nothing strenuous, just making tea and talking to people undergoing dialysis. Aside from this, she would also do a couple of shifts at a local charity shop, too. She was in her mid-70s when doing all this.
She used to moan about everyone and everything, my weekly calls with her could be painful as it was just one long moan about her health, neighbours, even stuff my dad had done whilst he was still around. Sadly, it just seems that old people can be like that!
Anyway - she volunteered at the local hospital. Nothing strenuous, just making tea and talking to people undergoing dialysis. Aside from this, she would also do a couple of shifts at a local charity shop, too. She was in her mid-70s when doing all this.
She used to moan about everyone and everything, my weekly calls with her could be painful as it was just one long moan about her health, neighbours, even stuff my dad had done whilst he was still around. Sadly, it just seems that old people can be like that!
A few years ago I measured all the godzillion flats in a retirement village (they prefer this to warden living!) - or maybe a retirement community.
In this instance they were not set up for full on care, but the manager and staff obviously knew the residents and kept an eye on them. I was very impressed with the whole set-up.
Having said that my grandfather who lived 200 miles away from the nearest family always felt that moving into one of these schemes would be giving up his independence....
Basicly I think it depends on the individual, and the community.
In this instance they were not set up for full on care, but the manager and staff obviously knew the residents and kept an eye on them. I was very impressed with the whole set-up.
Having said that my grandfather who lived 200 miles away from the nearest family always felt that moving into one of these schemes would be giving up his independence....
Basicly I think it depends on the individual, and the community.
About to have the independence chat with grandmother today. 92!
She's been living in a private sheltered accommodation for about 8yrs, lost grandad about 6yrs ago. Last year she asked about homes, to have more support, but kept on about "keeping her independence". Up until a month ago, she was changing her own bed each week! She's had a few minor falls, so we all feel she needs to revisit the idea of more support and doing less, and I have been elected. But as said above, she has to want to do it.
I'm a foster carer, and if I take a step back I can see an awful lot of similarities between dealing with the compulsions of an 18yr old with learning difficulties and adhd and a 92yr. They both know the right thing to do, but sometimes the situation is so exciting or scary that they can't/won't.
Reminds me of the theory of how teenagers become obnoxious so mum and dad don't miss them when they move out! Equally applies to us as oldies, we could be seen to become grumpy/moaning/'orrible to ease the pain for our families when we pass.
Good luck to everyone in this situation, the young and the old. And through it all, we need to think "this will be me at some point, how would I want it handled?".
She's been living in a private sheltered accommodation for about 8yrs, lost grandad about 6yrs ago. Last year she asked about homes, to have more support, but kept on about "keeping her independence". Up until a month ago, she was changing her own bed each week! She's had a few minor falls, so we all feel she needs to revisit the idea of more support and doing less, and I have been elected. But as said above, she has to want to do it.
I'm a foster carer, and if I take a step back I can see an awful lot of similarities between dealing with the compulsions of an 18yr old with learning difficulties and adhd and a 92yr. They both know the right thing to do, but sometimes the situation is so exciting or scary that they can't/won't.
Reminds me of the theory of how teenagers become obnoxious so mum and dad don't miss them when they move out! Equally applies to us as oldies, we could be seen to become grumpy/moaning/'orrible to ease the pain for our families when we pass.
Good luck to everyone in this situation, the young and the old. And through it all, we need to think "this will be me at some point, how would I want it handled?".
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