lies you tell your kids

[Jonboy_t]

Sat having dinner with my three year old earlier and he pointed at a scar I have on my arm from when I elbowed a towel rail when I was 13 and asked me where I got it from. I did the only decent thing and told him i had a fight with a shark when I was fishing one day.

Not only am I now a fking super hero, I'm also curious as to what porkies other people tell their kids. My old man convinced me that my rabbit had run off with a lady rabbit to get married, but really he'd set it free in a field somewhere because me and my sister never cleaned out the hutch. Poor Hoppity.

Anyway, over to the miscreants on here for some good ones. First person to mention telling their kids they are adopted gets a virtual Chinese burn.

Go...

[Ganglandboss]

PIR intruder alarm detectors are actually cameras to the North Pole. When the red light comes on, it means Father Christmas is watching.

[TheChampers]

I "nearly" totally deadpan managed to convince Princess Junior that Ralph Little from the Royle Family was related to Stuart.

[Centurion07]

If anyone takes their picture whilst they're wearing costumes they should immediately ring 999.

Wait. These aren't my kids.

[Hainey]

I have a really bad scar from being stabbed, it was attempted murder.

I tell the kids it was an operation by a newly qualified doctor who wasn't very good yet.

For the best I think.

[Jonboy_t]

Ganglandboss said:

PIR intruder alarm detectors are actually cameras to the North Pole. When the red light comes on, it means Father Christmas is watching.

I'm using that!

[steviejasp]

When you hear the sound of the ice cream vans' chimes, it means he's run out.

[Jasandjules]

steviejasp said:

When you hear the sound of the ice cream vans' chimes, it means he's run out.

Jason Manford special!

[Hainey]

Jasandjules said:

steviejasp said:

When you hear the sound of the ice cream vans' chimes, it means he's run out.

Jason Manford special!

I remember that from the 80s

[funkyrobot]

Mummy sabotaged the condom!

[kowalski655]

Agree with the poster above about steering wheel controls....convinced my daughter that the stereo was gesture controlled, wave your hand on front of it,Jedi style,and it got louder or changed channel.
She was flapping her arms about like mad hit couldn't get it to work like Dad


Also when they say they love me, I say I love them too



& joking

[TheDrBrian]

Surely these ones are told all the time

We love you
you were planned
we always wanted kids

[Astacus]

Told my daughter I have a chicken suit in the attic and will wear it to pick her up from her date if she didn't behave. She's 21 now and one day I am going to hire a chicken suit.......

[stuartmmcfc]

Told my kids that my Dad caused a firework factory to explode after he threw a cigarette over a wall after I'd told him he ought to stop smoking.
We didn't realise what it was until the first explosion and then we ran and ran.

I also told them that their a Grandma stole a hot air ballon once.

[hornetrider]

Ganglandboss said:

PIR intruder alarm detectors are actually cameras to the North Pole. When the red light comes on, it means Father Christmas is watching.

We use this one.

[stuartmmcfc]

I was also talking to my Sister on the phone once when we were interrupted by her 4 year old who had apparently been eating toothpaste again.
My Sister said 'talk to Uncle Stuart, he will tell you about eating toothpaste and what will happen"
I knew he wanted to be a Red Arrows pilot so I told him that they ate a tube a day in training.
My Sister didn't speak to me for months.

[Shakermaker]

stuartmmcfc said:

I was also talking to my Sister on the phone once when we were interrupted by her 4 year old who had apparently been eating toothpaste again.
My Sister said 'talk to Uncle Stuart, he will tell you about eating toothpaste and what will happen"
I knew he wanted to be a Red Arrows pilot so I told him that they ate a tube a day in training.
My Sister didn't speak to me for months.

Oh my god this amazing. I'm stifling back the laughs whilst my wife is having a serious chat with her sister on the phone.

[OzzyR1]

When the ice cream van plays music it means it's run out of ice cream.

[grumbledoak]

stuartmmcfc said:

I was also talking to my Sister on the phone once when we were interrupted by her 4 year old who had apparently been eating toothpaste again.
My Sister said 'talk to Uncle Stuart, he will tell you about eating toothpaste and what will happen"
I knew he wanted to be a Red Arrows pilot so I told him that they ate a tube a day in training.

[stuartmmcfc]

stuartmmcfc said:

I was also talking to my Sister on the phone once when we were interrupted by her 4 year old who had apparently been eating toothpaste again.
My Sister said 'talk to Uncle Stuart, he will tell you about eating toothpaste and what will happen"
I knew he wanted to be a Red Arrows pilot so I told him that they ate a tube a day in training.
My Sister didn't speak to me for months.

What probably made it worse is that both she and her husband are both dentists and their house is full of sample size tubes.
He went though dozens of them before they managed to stop him.