Mother passed away today, struggling to deal with this!
Discussion
Apologies for this, as know that this is a very personal issue that many can't relate to - but it's where I am this evening!
My mother has had alzheimer's for a number of years, and as such has been in a care home to deal with this. However, despite having had to deal with the awful illness that robs both individuals and families of their loved ones, she has lost the ultimate fight. This appears to have been a stroke, but are awaiting a final diagnosis.
My reality is that I am a father, but separated from their mother and have access to them alternate weekends as best. Fortunately this was one of my weekends that I had my daughters, and following a morning of video, swimming and Pizza Express for lunch, we returned home to decorate the Christmas Tree. During this 'challenging' procedure I had a knock on the door, and was surprised to see my father. He came in, and confirmed that during the night my mother had passed away!
My daughters are 7 and 9, so aren't able to comprehend the concept of death really.
Are there any other PHers who have had to deal with this, and able to offer any constructive advice?
Regards
Mark
My mother has had alzheimer's for a number of years, and as such has been in a care home to deal with this. However, despite having had to deal with the awful illness that robs both individuals and families of their loved ones, she has lost the ultimate fight. This appears to have been a stroke, but are awaiting a final diagnosis.
My reality is that I am a father, but separated from their mother and have access to them alternate weekends as best. Fortunately this was one of my weekends that I had my daughters, and following a morning of video, swimming and Pizza Express for lunch, we returned home to decorate the Christmas Tree. During this 'challenging' procedure I had a knock on the door, and was surprised to see my father. He came in, and confirmed that during the night my mother had passed away!
My daughters are 7 and 9, so aren't able to comprehend the concept of death really.
Are there any other PHers who have had to deal with this, and able to offer any constructive advice?
Regards
Mark
My condolences.
My mother passed away nearly 2 years ago while I was 21 and her 51. She died fairly suddenly after a reappearance of cancer.
I can't offer any advice on how to get over it as I simply haven't, I've spent practically the last 2 years hammered most weekends.
I think at age 9 she will have a good understanding though. My wife's nephew is 9 and his father has just cheated on his mum and left and he has grasped that pretty well.
Best wishes to you and the family.
My mother passed away nearly 2 years ago while I was 21 and her 51. She died fairly suddenly after a reappearance of cancer.
I can't offer any advice on how to get over it as I simply haven't, I've spent practically the last 2 years hammered most weekends.
I think at age 9 she will have a good understanding though. My wife's nephew is 9 and his father has just cheated on his mum and left and he has grasped that pretty well.
Best wishes to you and the family.
MHB said:
Apologies for this, as know that this is a very personal issue that many can't relate to - but it's where I am this evening!
My mother has had alzheimer's for a number of years, and as such has been in a care home to deal with this. However, despite having had to deal with the awful illness that robs both individuals and families of their loved ones, she has lost the ultimate fight. This appears to have been a stroke, but are awaiting a final diagnosis.
My reality is that I am a father, but separated from their mother and have access to them alternate weekends as best. Fortunately this was one of my weekends that I had my daughters, and following a morning of video, swimming and Pizza Express for lunch, we returned home to decorate the Christmas Tree. During this 'challenging' procedure I had a knock on the door, and was surprised to see my father. He came in, and confirmed that during the night my mother had passed away!
My daughters are 7 and 9, so aren't able to comprehend the concept of death really.
Are there any other PHers who have had to deal with this, and able to offer any constructive advice?
Regards
Mark
First thing to say is my condolences to you all. My mum died whilst I was on holiday in Cuba in the summer. My mother has had alzheimer's for a number of years, and as such has been in a care home to deal with this. However, despite having had to deal with the awful illness that robs both individuals and families of their loved ones, she has lost the ultimate fight. This appears to have been a stroke, but are awaiting a final diagnosis.
My reality is that I am a father, but separated from their mother and have access to them alternate weekends as best. Fortunately this was one of my weekends that I had my daughters, and following a morning of video, swimming and Pizza Express for lunch, we returned home to decorate the Christmas Tree. During this 'challenging' procedure I had a knock on the door, and was surprised to see my father. He came in, and confirmed that during the night my mother had passed away!
My daughters are 7 and 9, so aren't able to comprehend the concept of death really.
Are there any other PHers who have had to deal with this, and able to offer any constructive advice?
Regards
Mark
We had just put my Dad in a care home due to dementia and had treatable cancer but died of sepsis.
I was numb and unfortunately I had to arrange everything on my own due to family issues, so was unable to find time grieve and now looking after Dads needs I still haven't.
Getting things in order is key, do all the stuff with your Dad, register Death (get lots of copies of death certificate) arrange funeral how he wants it and let the funeral directors guide you.
As for your kids, they will cope, explain fully and if need be get an expert if they are struggling and work with your ex on that side.
Once the funeral is over, be ready for your Dad to need help as the finality kicks in and also take time for yourself. Work should understand and let you have the time needed, but for me work was a constant that has kept me sane and reminds me life goes on.
I am no expert but it is how it has been for me, but one piece of advice I was given by the FD was don't try to be manly all the time as you will shed a tear, you will feel empty, you will feel time is slipping away but look at the legacy she left, your kids have a bit of her so her life goes on.
Sorry to hear your news, I hope you are ok. I just read this on a Facebook post thing and thought it was pertinent. Not my words or anything, but maybe they'll be of help:
"Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents.
I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.
As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.
Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks."
"Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents.
I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.
As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.
Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks."
My deepest sympathy to you and yours, my mum died from Alzheimer's New Year's Day 2006. Dad died Later in the year.
Just take your time and each day as it comes, not much can be said that will help you right now but I guarantee that it will get better, I still miss them, nearly 11 years have passed, I talk to them each night before sleep.
Just take your time and each day as it comes, not much can be said that will help you right now but I guarantee that it will get better, I still miss them, nearly 11 years have passed, I talk to them each night before sleep.
It's something you never get over but it does get easier with time.
My mum died at 49 in 1986 after a heart attack during an emergency operation , my dad out lived her by 30 years and died in March at 82, he never remarried.
My mums death hit me hard, I was 25 and she was fit and well the day before, dads less so because of his age and it was his time, he was in poor health and a lot of pain having just lost a leg to diabetes, if he'd lived another 6 months it would have been awful.
If you can take some comfort in your mum won't have to live life not knowing who her family is, life isn't about longevity , it's about quality
My mum died at 49 in 1986 after a heart attack during an emergency operation , my dad out lived her by 30 years and died in March at 82, he never remarried.
My mums death hit me hard, I was 25 and she was fit and well the day before, dads less so because of his age and it was his time, he was in poor health and a lot of pain having just lost a leg to diabetes, if he'd lived another 6 months it would have been awful.
If you can take some comfort in your mum won't have to live life not knowing who her family is, life isn't about longevity , it's about quality
spaximus said:
I was numb and unfortunately I had to arrange everything on my own due to family issues, so was unable to find time grieve and now looking after Dads needs I still haven't.
Getting things in order is key, do all the stuff with your Dad, register Death (get lots of copies of death certificate) arrange funeral how he wants it and let the funeral directors guide you.
As for your kids, they will cope, explain fully and if need be get an expert if they are struggling and work with your ex on that side.
Once the funeral is over, be ready for your Dad to need help as the finality kicks in and also take time for yourself. Work should understand and let you have the time needed, but for me work was a constant that has kept me sane and reminds me life goes on.
I am no expert but it is how it has been for me, but one piece of advice I was given by the FD was don't try to be manly all the time as you will shed a tear, you will feel empty, you will feel time is slipping away but look at the legacy she left, your kids have a bit of her so her life goes on.
Sound advice from this man.Getting things in order is key, do all the stuff with your Dad, register Death (get lots of copies of death certificate) arrange funeral how he wants it and let the funeral directors guide you.
As for your kids, they will cope, explain fully and if need be get an expert if they are struggling and work with your ex on that side.
Once the funeral is over, be ready for your Dad to need help as the finality kicks in and also take time for yourself. Work should understand and let you have the time needed, but for me work was a constant that has kept me sane and reminds me life goes on.
I am no expert but it is how it has been for me, but one piece of advice I was given by the FD was don't try to be manly all the time as you will shed a tear, you will feel empty, you will feel time is slipping away but look at the legacy she left, your kids have a bit of her so her life goes on.
Explain things to your kids, they'll understand in their own way; There will be opportunities later to explain further.
On the death of my father, I sent an email that very day to all my close friends and informed them of the event, no end of offers of support...
You'll be busy organising the funeral, finance, will, etc etc. The government site advice isn't too bad https://www.gov.uk/after-a-death/overview The funeral home are the real experts and will be extremely professional.
Grieving is different for everyone, don't be afraid to show your emotions (note to self).
My Dad died in similar circumstances last year. I was numb for the whole funeral organising, death registering process but it was something to do. The Gf was on holiday so it was a lonely time. Funeral was a big help. Reminded me he'd known a lot of people and been liked everywhere he'd been. Amazed by the people from way back who saw the notice and turned up. The funeral was unconventional, my brother's idea was to have friends and family tell stories about him with a padre for compere and to do a few minor religious bits. Made it all very personal.
Alzheimers is a terrible thing, my dad became unrecognisable. Now days I remember who he was before the Alzheimers and smile. The last year of his life there was very little to smile about. Trying to say it's tough but it gets better.
Alzheimers is a terrible thing, my dad became unrecognisable. Now days I remember who he was before the Alzheimers and smile. The last year of his life there was very little to smile about. Trying to say it's tough but it gets better.
I'm very sorry to hear of your loss. Sincere condolences.
This thread has brought a few tears to my eyes again today.
My poor Mum passed away in 2009 , and there is not a day goes by without thinking about her or missing her. The grief at the time was overwhelming , but as posted already it will subside with time. It's just something that has to be taken at your own pace. It will never fully go away, but you will learnt to deal with it in your own way.
When my Mum passed I was working away in Singapore. I received a phone call from my Sister on the Saturday night informing me that Mum had taken a turn for the worse and was on Morphine and barely conscious. I booked the first flight I could and dashed back to the UK arriving Sunday evening. I managed to arrive at the hospital and held my Mum's hand for about all of 10 seconds and she passed away. My sister told me that Mum had drifted in and out of consciousness all day and each time asked if I was there yet. She held on for me to see her one last time, and the poor soul could hold on no more.
So the loss for me of losing my Mum but coupled with the fact she had managed to stay strong enough for me to see her one last time nearly destroyed me at the time.
It was a hard slog to get back to some sense of normality and it just took time. So even with as much advise and guidance as you may find here there is no right ot wrong way to deal with it. I wish you all the best for you and your family.
This thread has brought a few tears to my eyes again today.
My poor Mum passed away in 2009 , and there is not a day goes by without thinking about her or missing her. The grief at the time was overwhelming , but as posted already it will subside with time. It's just something that has to be taken at your own pace. It will never fully go away, but you will learnt to deal with it in your own way.
When my Mum passed I was working away in Singapore. I received a phone call from my Sister on the Saturday night informing me that Mum had taken a turn for the worse and was on Morphine and barely conscious. I booked the first flight I could and dashed back to the UK arriving Sunday evening. I managed to arrive at the hospital and held my Mum's hand for about all of 10 seconds and she passed away. My sister told me that Mum had drifted in and out of consciousness all day and each time asked if I was there yet. She held on for me to see her one last time, and the poor soul could hold on no more.
So the loss for me of losing my Mum but coupled with the fact she had managed to stay strong enough for me to see her one last time nearly destroyed me at the time.
It was a hard slog to get back to some sense of normality and it just took time. So even with as much advise and guidance as you may find here there is no right ot wrong way to deal with it. I wish you all the best for you and your family.
My father passed last Monday morning after a short battle against cancer, he was only 64. Pneumonia snuck in at the end and I was by his side which was exceptionally difficult but ultimately relieved it was quick and peaceful
The week was mostly a blur of organizing, visitors, keeping tabs on mum etc. The funeral has passed and now things have settled. The phone isn't ringing and the house is quiet. I know this is where reality will sink in. He isn't there anymore and we won't see him again.
It's completely numbing. I'm exhausted, haven't eaten or slept properly in days. I can't seem escapism at work, he had the same profession and is known by all my colleagues. All I can do is take time, look after myself and my family and be grateful for having him in my life.
There's really no correct answer to grief.
The week was mostly a blur of organizing, visitors, keeping tabs on mum etc. The funeral has passed and now things have settled. The phone isn't ringing and the house is quiet. I know this is where reality will sink in. He isn't there anymore and we won't see him again.
It's completely numbing. I'm exhausted, haven't eaten or slept properly in days. I can't seem escapism at work, he had the same profession and is known by all my colleagues. All I can do is take time, look after myself and my family and be grateful for having him in my life.
There's really no correct answer to grief.
Condolences.
I'm grieving for my Mum she's not dead but she's not there anymore. When the ultimate end comes it will be upsetting but some of the grieving is already done.
Professional advice is not to bottle up your emotions whether grief, anger etc. I asked how do you stop these things upsetting you into the future as things can remain raw and was told you have to expose yourself to the emotions so eventually they become less intense and painful. I think this is probably good advice, it does seem to be people that keep things bottled up that end up suffering for years afterwards.
Whilst you will doubtless be busy take time to yourself or with your Dad to have a good old cry, doesn't make you less of a man!
I'm grieving for my Mum she's not dead but she's not there anymore. When the ultimate end comes it will be upsetting but some of the grieving is already done.
Professional advice is not to bottle up your emotions whether grief, anger etc. I asked how do you stop these things upsetting you into the future as things can remain raw and was told you have to expose yourself to the emotions so eventually they become less intense and painful. I think this is probably good advice, it does seem to be people that keep things bottled up that end up suffering for years afterwards.
Whilst you will doubtless be busy take time to yourself or with your Dad to have a good old cry, doesn't make you less of a man!
I lost my mum to MS in 2009, after a long and difficult illness. She died in a care home and as my parents are divorced it was down to me to sign the DNR and discuss the use of drugs to make her more comfortable in her final hours.
She was 63, I was 32.
I did the sensible stuff, got the funeral out of the way then got very drunk indeed for a while. The drinking didn't help, it did give me a break from reality and some sleep though.
As another poster said, it comes in waves. At first they may be insurmountable, but the frequency will lessen with time. It still hurts now but I can deal with it.
I found that after a few months I would see something that she would have liked and make a mental note to show her on my next visit, then remember. Or drive towards the home without really thinking about where I was going. Again I'd remember and it would open up wounds that I though had healed.
If you can, go and speak to someone about it if you're struggling, preferably someone outside the family that you don't see regularly. I didn't and can tell you that bottling it up helps no-one.
She was 63, I was 32.
I did the sensible stuff, got the funeral out of the way then got very drunk indeed for a while. The drinking didn't help, it did give me a break from reality and some sleep though.
As another poster said, it comes in waves. At first they may be insurmountable, but the frequency will lessen with time. It still hurts now but I can deal with it.
I found that after a few months I would see something that she would have liked and make a mental note to show her on my next visit, then remember. Or drive towards the home without really thinking about where I was going. Again I'd remember and it would open up wounds that I though had healed.
If you can, go and speak to someone about it if you're struggling, preferably someone outside the family that you don't see regularly. I didn't and can tell you that bottling it up helps no-one.
Sorry for your loss.
Kids are pretty robust. At 7 and 9 they will grasp the topic.
If you want simple ways to explain it and help them understand it then start with the advice given for younger kids and add as needed.
http://www.babycenter.com/0_how-to-talk-to-your-pr...
Kids are pretty robust. At 7 and 9 they will grasp the topic.
If you want simple ways to explain it and help them understand it then start with the advice given for younger kids and add as needed.
http://www.babycenter.com/0_how-to-talk-to-your-pr...
Sorry to hear of your loss.
My mum died a few days before Christmas in 2008; it took a long while to deal with it but you do. Quite simply the deep pain I felt in stomach slowly diminished and has been replaced with memories of warmth. We all deal with this in different ways, some may turn to a few extra drinks, some may seek solitude but you will come to terms with it in your own time. The sad thoughts now get over taken by memories of good times.
One thing is for sure everyday there will be a passing thought, a shared memory or something will trigger a smile or tear. Today would have been my mum's 86th birthday.
All the best.
My mum died a few days before Christmas in 2008; it took a long while to deal with it but you do. Quite simply the deep pain I felt in stomach slowly diminished and has been replaced with memories of warmth. We all deal with this in different ways, some may turn to a few extra drinks, some may seek solitude but you will come to terms with it in your own time. The sad thoughts now get over taken by memories of good times.
One thing is for sure everyday there will be a passing thought, a shared memory or something will trigger a smile or tear. Today would have been my mum's 86th birthday.
All the best.
children are pretty resilient and if you take time to explain things to them in an appropriate way it will hopefully lessen the impact.
consider some grief counselling or some therapy, not just for yourself although it will probably help but also to help with communication and handling emotional conversations.
it doesn't work for everyone but the majority find it helpful in some way. check the BACP website for accredited therapists its a good place to start your journey.
consider some grief counselling or some therapy, not just for yourself although it will probably help but also to help with communication and handling emotional conversations.
it doesn't work for everyone but the majority find it helpful in some way. check the BACP website for accredited therapists its a good place to start your journey.
As many have already stated, the feeling of loss never goes away. It's an unforgiving, alien feeling that something that should be there is missing and this is why you have to make peace with it in whatever way is best for you.
It sounds ridiculously obvious but for me, I just focused 100% on how lucky I was to have had her as my mother, what a beautiful person she was and how eternally thankful I was that she has raised me properly and helped make me a good person.
Cliche but it was the only thing that helped...stay strong!
It sounds ridiculously obvious but for me, I just focused 100% on how lucky I was to have had her as my mother, what a beautiful person she was and how eternally thankful I was that she has raised me properly and helped make me a good person.
Cliche but it was the only thing that helped...stay strong!
MHB said:
Apologies for this, as know that this is a very personal issue that many can't relate to - but it's where I am this evening!
My mother has had alzheimer's for a number of years, and as such has been in a care home to deal with this. However, despite having had to deal with the awful illness that robs both individuals and families of their loved ones, she has lost the ultimate fight. This appears to have been a stroke, but are awaiting a final diagnosis.
My reality is that I am a father, but separated from their mother and have access to them alternate weekends as best. Fortunately this was one of my weekends that I had my daughters, and following a morning of video, swimming and Pizza Express for lunch, we returned home to decorate the Christmas Tree. During this 'challenging' procedure I had a knock on the door, and was surprised to see my father. He came in, and confirmed that during the night my mother had passed away!
My daughters are 7 and 9, so aren't able to comprehend the concept of death really.
Are there any other PHers who have had to deal with this, and able to offer any constructive advice?
Regards
Mark
I'd say if you think you are struggling with the process, get help. Plenty of bereavement counsellors out there. Check qualifications and get recommendations if possible. My mother has had alzheimer's for a number of years, and as such has been in a care home to deal with this. However, despite having had to deal with the awful illness that robs both individuals and families of their loved ones, she has lost the ultimate fight. This appears to have been a stroke, but are awaiting a final diagnosis.
My reality is that I am a father, but separated from their mother and have access to them alternate weekends as best. Fortunately this was one of my weekends that I had my daughters, and following a morning of video, swimming and Pizza Express for lunch, we returned home to decorate the Christmas Tree. During this 'challenging' procedure I had a knock on the door, and was surprised to see my father. He came in, and confirmed that during the night my mother had passed away!
My daughters are 7 and 9, so aren't able to comprehend the concept of death really.
Are there any other PHers who have had to deal with this, and able to offer any constructive advice?
Regards
Mark
Grieving is a process that has to be got through. Some people do not have the skills or strength- especially at this difficult time, to get through this process and it can prolong the problem.
Family and friends are sometimes too close to the situation and too emotionally connected to offer constructive unbiased advice. Or as was the case with my family, you get conflicted advice which helps not one jot. I saw a counsellor after the sudden death of my father and it helped enormously.
No words are really going to help unfortunately...
My Dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer July last year and he passed away in a hospice in January, we were all there with him (me, my wife, my mother, mother-in-law and his cousin). The next few days were auto-pilot for me dealing with funeral arrangements, wills, death certificates and taking care of my mum. The funeral helped to a degree to put closure on things for us/him, however he did request his ashes be scattered which we did on what would have been his birthday this August.
The kick in the teeth for me was taking my Mum into hospital on Good Friday this year with suspected food poisoning to having to turn the life support machine off on Easter Monday (3 months after my Dad) without any prior warning, that was a real kick in the teeth. Again I was numb and auto-pilot kicked in... visiting the same solicitors, funeral directors and registrar it was pretty surreal.
I didn't cry at the funerals, probably just too conscious of everyone there looking at me trying to keep it together, I'm an only child and there's no-one left on my side now, not close anyway so it has been difficult to say the least keeping it together, dealing with their home and belongings was hard, you'll have that to come unfortunately.
Just look after your Dad, spend as much time with him as you can and talk, that's what I did with my Dad and with my Mum after my Dad had gone, it helped me but I still have the odd dark day, birthdays, anniversaries and no doubt Christmas which I'm already dreading.
My Dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer July last year and he passed away in a hospice in January, we were all there with him (me, my wife, my mother, mother-in-law and his cousin). The next few days were auto-pilot for me dealing with funeral arrangements, wills, death certificates and taking care of my mum. The funeral helped to a degree to put closure on things for us/him, however he did request his ashes be scattered which we did on what would have been his birthday this August.
The kick in the teeth for me was taking my Mum into hospital on Good Friday this year with suspected food poisoning to having to turn the life support machine off on Easter Monday (3 months after my Dad) without any prior warning, that was a real kick in the teeth. Again I was numb and auto-pilot kicked in... visiting the same solicitors, funeral directors and registrar it was pretty surreal.
I didn't cry at the funerals, probably just too conscious of everyone there looking at me trying to keep it together, I'm an only child and there's no-one left on my side now, not close anyway so it has been difficult to say the least keeping it together, dealing with their home and belongings was hard, you'll have that to come unfortunately.
Just look after your Dad, spend as much time with him as you can and talk, that's what I did with my Dad and with my Mum after my Dad had gone, it helped me but I still have the odd dark day, birthdays, anniversaries and no doubt Christmas which I'm already dreading.
MHB said:
My daughters are 7 and 9, so aren't able to comprehend the concept of death really.
First off, my condolencesSecond, i think you are selling the kids short there, my oldest was 4 when her last great grandfather passed, and she took active part in the whole thing (Decorated the inside of the coffin, "helped" lift him into the coffin, "helped" carry the coffin during the service). She obviously doesnt understand the true ramifactions or the existential dread most of us associate with death, but she did understand great-grandpa wasnt coming back (we told her he had become a star up in the sky, in a non religious specific way)
At 7 and 9 i would expect them to understand enough of it to be sad about it and to grieve, and some form of explanation/guidance would be in order.
Apologies for the belated response.
Firstly, I like to say a massive thank you to those that responded, to what was a part alcohol fuelled post.
The 'pieces of the jigsaw' with my situation have stated to fall into place, and thanks to taking some time and the advice received on here, am in a much better place.
We all go through massive ups and downs in life, and predominately as the male of the species often struggle to properly discuss this with anyone, and end up bottling things up. Having PH as an outlet to seek advice on difficult issues is a great help - as due to the number of people on here, there's always likely to be someone who's been through the same experience.
We share a common interest in cars, but also in looking out for each other. Yes there is the petty bickering at time, toys being thrown out of prams, but generally this is a pretty non judgemental place to be (unless of course you want to buy a car on finance!). However, I've seen a topic posted today on an equally traumatic situation, the efforts member went to following a post in the Health forum recently, that have genuinely helped and made a difference to the lives of anonymous strangers on the internet.
Cringeworthy as it seems, but the support and actions of the members actually help to restore my faith in people! For that I'd like to say thank you to the PH community.
Firstly, I like to say a massive thank you to those that responded, to what was a part alcohol fuelled post.
The 'pieces of the jigsaw' with my situation have stated to fall into place, and thanks to taking some time and the advice received on here, am in a much better place.
We all go through massive ups and downs in life, and predominately as the male of the species often struggle to properly discuss this with anyone, and end up bottling things up. Having PH as an outlet to seek advice on difficult issues is a great help - as due to the number of people on here, there's always likely to be someone who's been through the same experience.
We share a common interest in cars, but also in looking out for each other. Yes there is the petty bickering at time, toys being thrown out of prams, but generally this is a pretty non judgemental place to be (unless of course you want to buy a car on finance!). However, I've seen a topic posted today on an equally traumatic situation, the efforts member went to following a post in the Health forum recently, that have genuinely helped and made a difference to the lives of anonymous strangers on the internet.
Cringeworthy as it seems, but the support and actions of the members actually help to restore my faith in people! For that I'd like to say thank you to the PH community.
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