Getting a hoarder to de-clutter
Discussion
If it is normal stuff he is hoarding - Clothes, Magazines etc then it will be harder as it will be the re-use recycle mentality. They are possesions that have been paid for so they won't want to give any of it up.
If it is rubbish, empty bottles, litter etc then they just need some help and encouragement.
If it is rubbish, empty bottles, litter etc then they just need some help and encouragement.
anonymous said:
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Is it proper, clinically relevant hoarding? I suspect by your comment trauma mode that it is. My Mother experienced this her entire life. My Father, whilst alive, dealt with it by having bonfires whilst she was out. After he passed she was free to fill her house with crap it took a specialist firm a couple of weeks to remove after she died.As you can tell my Mother didn't think she needed help, never sought it, and left the consequences, as well as her legacy, to her children.
Maybe you can persuade your partner to seek help. If not - the outcome above is what happens.
Not a very uplifting tale, but a salutary one. I empathise with you, but hoarders have to recognise their compulsion for what it is before anything can be done.
My ex neighbour is of that mentality. The amount of stuff kept for reuse is barmy, old mails as screws (and they have tried to reach use them!) Papers and paperwork, all held back in just in case. All you had to do was merely mention something was being replaced or thrown out and they would offer to take it. Saved a lot of tips to the tip/recycling dump, well for me!
anonymous said:
[redacted]
I'm sorry but it just sounds like you are judging his stuff, he has a lot of things but perhaps just not the room to keep it. I have loads of model cars in boxes, old games and books and yes, some of those books I never read but I would be offended if anyone suggested I get rid of them. It is my stuff, it has value to me and I will choose when to get rid of it.How do you know he doesn't need it or won't use it?
Only be worried if he has loads of broken things lying around that he will "fix one day" or keeps hold of pointless brackets that he may one day find a use for.
Don't throw out his stuff without approval. That's not fair and might make him even more protective of his things.
If the issue is only with old items, rather than a rapidly growing "collection"... How about renting a storage unit? Agree with him that anything that is not used at least once a month goes to the storage unit and you don't need to ask "permission" because he can go retrieve things any time he wants.
In a couple of years time, he might have had enough distance from those items to realise that they're not worth the storage costs and would be better in the bin/eBay/charity shop.
If the issue is only with old items, rather than a rapidly growing "collection"... How about renting a storage unit? Agree with him that anything that is not used at least once a month goes to the storage unit and you don't need to ask "permission" because he can go retrieve things any time he wants.
In a couple of years time, he might have had enough distance from those items to realise that they're not worth the storage costs and would be better in the bin/eBay/charity shop.
Another barrier for someone who isn't at clinical level is how convenient it is to be rid of s
t.
If he has to sort it, "go through it" (wonderful excuse for not doing anything), or otherwise fetish the stuff then it is staying, most likely. Discuss this with him in advance and see if you can get agreement to a SKIP.
They way to be rid of stuff is to get a skip and don't think about it. Just tear into it chucking it out. Make it easy. Then it's gone. Shorten the "trauma".
When my mother had rodent ingress to her house and two of the totally stuffed rooms had to be cleared totally and everything in them burnt or skipped and the whole place hosed down with deodoriser (rat piss is awful) and disinfectant (rat piss is dangerous) we had to have someone take her to another house and keep her occupied, talking the whole time so she couldn't see us doing the clearance work in boiler suits and masks. Many, many treasured possessions had to be chucked, a whole lot of total crap went too. It was godawful doing it (took a week and four skips). If she'd been in the house she would simply have screamed the whole time.
At least it kept her in the property she loved and had shared with my father for fifty years. So it was worth it. To me. She never missed the st in those two rooms on a practical level although she accused me of throwing her stuff away. I wouldn't take that and told her it was the fking rats that had pissed on everything (they had) and she, at least, stopped screaming directly at me...and she didn't write me out of her will!
If the skip arrives and nothing's going in it then his stuff is worth more to him than you and you found something out.
If he's actually just a bit untidy and has an overlarge collection of things it isn't clinical and you can just stop worrying about it. Clean round it.
t.If he has to sort it, "go through it" (wonderful excuse for not doing anything), or otherwise fetish the stuff then it is staying, most likely. Discuss this with him in advance and see if you can get agreement to a SKIP.
They way to be rid of stuff is to get a skip and don't think about it. Just tear into it chucking it out. Make it easy. Then it's gone. Shorten the "trauma".
When my mother had rodent ingress to her house and two of the totally stuffed rooms had to be cleared totally and everything in them burnt or skipped and the whole place hosed down with deodoriser (rat piss is awful) and disinfectant (rat piss is dangerous) we had to have someone take her to another house and keep her occupied, talking the whole time so she couldn't see us doing the clearance work in boiler suits and masks. Many, many treasured possessions had to be chucked, a whole lot of total crap went too. It was godawful doing it (took a week and four skips). If she'd been in the house she would simply have screamed the whole time.
At least it kept her in the property she loved and had shared with my father for fifty years. So it was worth it. To me. She never missed the s
t in those two rooms on a practical level although she accused me of throwing her stuff away. I wouldn't take that and told her it was the fking rats that had pissed on everything (they had) and she, at least, stopped screaming directly at me...and she didn't write me out of her will!If the skip arrives and nothing's going in it then his stuff is worth more to him than you and you found something out.
If he's actually just a bit untidy and has an overlarge collection of things it isn't clinical and you can just stop worrying about it. Clean round it.
The storage unit is a decent idea, even if a slightly expensive one. When we were doing a refurb, we decided that it would make life easier if we could move out roughly a rooms worth of stuff, stick it in a storage unit, and move it back after 4 months.
For various reasons the 4 months became a year, and then the Govt stuck VAT onto storage fees. We realised that in that year we had used something from that storage unit exactly once. The price increase made us look very closely at what there was, so the usual sorting piles in a declutter, ie. skip, charity shop, sell, keep, found almost nothing in the keep pile, so storage unit emptied.
That started us on a general declutter and it's cathartic, and that's from someone in the corner of I'll save these brackets just in case etc etc. Or that bit of wood as a paint stirrer, and so on.
Couple that with having to clear my Mum's place and finding, for example, a drawer rammed full of brown paper bags, carefully coiled short lengths of string, and enough rubber bands to supply a Royal Mail delivery office for a year. That made me promise to myself that I wouldn't leave my own family similar problems after I'd gone. Still a long way to go, but it's useful stuff, tools and the like. Not helped by the Lidl aisle of unnecessary purchases.
Unfortunately for the OP, it's a bit like getting a drinker to give up alcohol, if they don't want to do it themselves it's an uphill struggle.
For various reasons the 4 months became a year, and then the Govt stuck VAT onto storage fees. We realised that in that year we had used something from that storage unit exactly once. The price increase made us look very closely at what there was, so the usual sorting piles in a declutter, ie. skip, charity shop, sell, keep, found almost nothing in the keep pile, so storage unit emptied.
That started us on a general declutter and it's cathartic, and that's from someone in the corner of I'll save these brackets just in case etc etc. Or that bit of wood as a paint stirrer, and so on.
Couple that with having to clear my Mum's place and finding, for example, a drawer rammed full of brown paper bags, carefully coiled short lengths of string, and enough rubber bands to supply a Royal Mail delivery office for a year. That made me promise to myself that I wouldn't leave my own family similar problems after I'd gone. Still a long way to go, but it's useful stuff, tools and the like. Not helped by the Lidl aisle of unnecessary purchases.
Unfortunately for the OP, it's a bit like getting a drinker to give up alcohol, if they don't want to do it themselves it's an uphill struggle.
FiF said:
Not helped by the Lidl aisle of unnecessary purchases.
That aisle is lethal. I was in there a couple of weeks ago and thought to myself "Ooh, a set of snow chains in the right size for my car. I could quite do with a second set so I could chain the (non driving) rear wheels". I live in Somerset and we have had no meaningful snow for five years.I have bank statements going back to 1983 
so a bit longer than your hoarder 
I think of them as a financial history of my life.
Would also hate to lose them - they're the only record I have of mortgage repayments, insurance payments, utility bills paid, wages received, cheques received. etc.
To me, it's a lot easier to relive memories through my bank statements than it is from old photographs. I look at them and think, did I ever look like that! it doesn't register as much as my bank statements do.
so a bit longer than your hoarder I think of them as a financial history of my life.
Would also hate to lose them - they're the only record I have of mortgage repayments, insurance payments, utility bills paid, wages received, cheques received. etc.
To me, it's a lot easier to relive memories through my bank statements than it is from old photographs. I look at them and think, did I ever look like that! it doesn't register as much as my bank statements do.
davepoth said:
That aisle is lethal. I was in there a couple of weeks ago and thought to myself "Ooh, a set of snow chains in the right size for my car. I could quite do with a second set so I could chain the (non driving) rear wheels". I live in Somerset and we have had no meaningful snow for five years.
Yrs, but next winter it's bound to be needed ...davepoth said:
That aisle is lethal. I was in there a couple of weeks ago and thought to myself "Ooh, a set of snow chains in the right size for my car. I could quite do with a second set so I could chain the (non driving) rear wheels". I live in Somerset and we have had no meaningful snow for five years.
But... only £12. You'd be mental not to.FiF said:
The storage unit is a decent idea, even if a slightly expensive one.
That's a horrific idea for a hoarder. I know one who's skint who pays £400 a month to store ste she hasn't looked at for years on end. If you suggest not being skint by binning it all she has a funny turn. condor said:
I have bank statements going back to 1983 so a bit longer than your hoarder
I think of them as a financial history of my life.
Would also hate to lose them - they're the only record I have of mortgage repayments, insurance payments, utility bills paid, wages received, cheques received. etc.
To me, it's a lot easier to relive memories through my bank statements than it is from old photographs. I look at them and think, did I ever look like that! it doesn't register as much as my bank statements do.
Get help. Even your bank probably isn't keeping them that long... so a bit longer than your hoarder I think of them as a financial history of my life.
Would also hate to lose them - they're the only record I have of mortgage repayments, insurance payments, utility bills paid, wages received, cheques received. etc.
To me, it's a lot easier to relive memories through my bank statements than it is from old photographs. I look at them and think, did I ever look like that! it doesn't register as much as my bank statements do.
CBT therapy is widely available.
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