Divorce, another one
Discussion
I've been more a lurker than a poster on here over a long period, and frequently have read about people breaking up with their spouse. I never imagined I would be the one to be writing such a thread.
Last Saturday my wife walked out on me, taking my 3 year old son. I don't know where they are. In hindsight I should have seen the signs, but I guess I didn't want to, as I had a good life. I'm now not in a good place, not sleeping (and just shattered), not eating, and not comprehending what has gone on.
I don't want to be in the house, but I have nowhere else to go, so I have to put up with all the memories. I've already put the house on the market, my car will be going to a dealer on Monday, and divorce proceedings have been started. I just want everything finished so I can be happy again. I've been to the doctors to be signed off work because I'm a complete mess, I even phoned the Samaritans because I needed someone to talk to, to be honest they were not that good, but maybe the person I spoke to was not the best, I will certainly donate to that cause once I have a grip on my life.
I think I'm only posting as there are some decent people on here (and some not so decent!)and some positive feedback would help i'm sure.
Last Saturday my wife walked out on me, taking my 3 year old son. I don't know where they are. In hindsight I should have seen the signs, but I guess I didn't want to, as I had a good life. I'm now not in a good place, not sleeping (and just shattered), not eating, and not comprehending what has gone on.
I don't want to be in the house, but I have nowhere else to go, so I have to put up with all the memories. I've already put the house on the market, my car will be going to a dealer on Monday, and divorce proceedings have been started. I just want everything finished so I can be happy again. I've been to the doctors to be signed off work because I'm a complete mess, I even phoned the Samaritans because I needed someone to talk to, to be honest they were not that good, but maybe the person I spoke to was not the best, I will certainly donate to that cause once I have a grip on my life.
I think I'm only posting as there are some decent people on here (and some not so decent!)and some positive feedback would help i'm sure.
Have a look at this thread... lots of people posting on it with advice,etc.
http://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&a...
Helps if I include the link.
Edited by Du1point8 on Saturday 11th February 03:47
Sorry to read this OP. I was in the same place last year. You get sick of hearing people tell you everything will be fine, but it's the honest truth and many of us here are living proof. Just focus on little more than keeping your head above the water for the next few months. Making big decisions about house, cars and divorce proceedings so early on, when you're a sleep deprived emotional wreck might not be for the best. The fact you can't locate your son is worrying - did you instruct a family solicitor to handle the divorce, if so what have they said about that?
theboss said:
Sorry to read this OP. I was in the same place last year. You get sick of hearing people tell you everything will be fine, but it's the honest truth and many of us here are living proof. Just focus on little more than keeping your head above the water for the next few months. Making big decisions about house, cars and divorce proceedings so early on, when you're a sleep deprived emotional wreck might not be for the best. The fact you can't locate your son is worrying - did you instruct a family solicitor to handle the divorce, if so what have they said about that?
Thanks theboss, I know there are decent people on her who can offer sage advice. I've instructed a solicitor and they have sent a letter via her parents telling her that I need to know where my son is, as that is a basic right as his father, so we will see what happens.
A little boy involved too. I am sure that will be ripping you apart. Find out where he is and arrange to go see him.
You need to look after yourself while you crawl through this. Keep the mechanics of living going, though you probably won't feel like doing so. Eat even if you have to force yourself. If you cannot sleep go running until you are too knackered to do anything else. See the GP if you cannot cope with the emotions. Keep work informed.
Post here, it helps.
Work through it. One day at a time.
Iits never going to be a nice situation hope it work out for you in the end.
Not been in the situation personally but have seen the impact on a number of friends and supported them as best a friend can do. For instance one friend was in such a mess I drove round to his house packed his suitcase got him into our car and he lived in our spare room for possibly 4 months.
First point - can it be recovered? It's always worth trying to fix it as painful as that might be for both sides (unless one or the other has found someone else and they now see their life with them not you ).
A child is involved so regardless of how you feel about her now or in the future for the sake of the child you have to work together be civil etc.
You say the house is on the market and the car already? Has she permitted you to put the house on the market - is she a joint owner/ the wife and boy might be living there into the future/don't be quick on decision.
Talk to her parents - clearly they have their daughters best interest at heart but if she is being unreasonable then this could help. Also they want the best outcome for grandson which clearly involves the father
Not been in the situation personally but have seen the impact on a number of friends and supported them as best a friend can do. For instance one friend was in such a mess I drove round to his house packed his suitcase got him into our car and he lived in our spare room for possibly 4 months.
First point - can it be recovered? It's always worth trying to fix it as painful as that might be for both sides (unless one or the other has found someone else and they now see their life with them not you ).
A child is involved so regardless of how you feel about her now or in the future for the sake of the child you have to work together be civil etc.
You say the house is on the market and the car already? Has she permitted you to put the house on the market - is she a joint owner/ the wife and boy might be living there into the future/don't be quick on decision.
Talk to her parents - clearly they have their daughters best interest at heart but if she is being unreasonable then this could help. Also they want the best outcome for grandson which clearly involves the father
Cold said:
Just a quick semantic point: no, you don't have a right to know where your son is when he's in the care of his other parent, however he does most definitely have a right to see his father so push that point rather than a demand for an address.
Cold, quite an apt name with your brutal input, but I do appreciated it and understand what you are saying.Welshbeef said:
Iits never going to be a nice situation hope it work out for you in the end.
Not been in the situation personally but have seen the impact on a number of friends and supported them as best a friend can do. For instance one friend was in such a mess I drove round to his house packed his suitcase got him into our car and he lived in our spare room for possibly 4 months.
First point - can it be recovered? It's always worth trying to fix it as painful as that might be for both sides (unless one or the other has found someone else and they now see their life with them not you ).
A child is involved so regardless of how you feel about her now or in the future for the sake of the child you have to work together be civil etc.
You say the house is on the market and the car already? Has she permitted you to put the house on the market - is she a joint owner/ the wife and boy might be living there into the future/don't be quick on decision.
Talk to her parents - clearly they have their daughters best interest at heart but if she is being unreasonable then this could help. Also they want the best outcome for grandson which clearly involves the father
Thanks Welshbeef. Luckily the house and mortgage are in my name only, as she came with substantial financial baggage (almost six figures, which her ex. absolved himself of by declaring bankruptcy about 5 years ago,) from her first marriage, so everything financial had to be totally separate so her creditors could have no claim on anything.Not been in the situation personally but have seen the impact on a number of friends and supported them as best a friend can do. For instance one friend was in such a mess I drove round to his house packed his suitcase got him into our car and he lived in our spare room for possibly 4 months.
First point - can it be recovered? It's always worth trying to fix it as painful as that might be for both sides (unless one or the other has found someone else and they now see their life with them not you ).
A child is involved so regardless of how you feel about her now or in the future for the sake of the child you have to work together be civil etc.
You say the house is on the market and the car already? Has she permitted you to put the house on the market - is she a joint owner/ the wife and boy might be living there into the future/don't be quick on decision.
Talk to her parents - clearly they have their daughters best interest at heart but if she is being unreasonable then this could help. Also they want the best outcome for grandson which clearly involves the father
Popeyed said:
Thanks Welshbeef. Luckily the house and mortgage are in my name only, as she came with substantial financial baggage (almost six figures, which her ex. absolved himself of by declaring bankruptcy about 5 years ago,) from her first marriage, so everything financial had to be totally separate so her creditors could have no claim on anything.
Doesn't she have a legal claim on half the assets if not more when a child is involved?An example of. A friend of mine.
He had a flat which his parents had paid the deposit on.
He moved into her rented house (and paid in full for rent and all costs)
They had a child together
Split very early / months after baby born.
The house had a buy to let mortgage he had a full financial loan document from his parents all drawn up by a solicitor when he bought it
House hadn't increased in value in any way come the split.
She was potless
End result after barely 1-2 years marriage, he had to sell the flat and the deposit part was part of the settlement.
Spousal maintence for I think 10 years - he's still paying for this
Child maintence which he has no issue paying
She refused and the court refused a "final settlement"
She has a % of his future pension to pay her
And most disposable of all his gran died (and had some £) she tried to claim that had they still been married any inheritance she was due way over half of that.... fortunately nothing was given to him via the (last minute changed will) instead all to his parents who as you can imagine will honour the original will which does give him some benefit once ties are all finalised.
She was a vile vindictive individual (apparently a good mother... though some instances we saw were at odds with this).
Welshbeef said:
Doesn't she have a legal claim on half the assets if not more when a child is involved?
An example of. A friend of mine.
He had a flat which his parents had paid the deposit on.
He moved into her rented house (and paid in full for rent and all costs)
They had a child together
Split very early / months after baby born.
The house had a buy to let mortgage he had a full financial loan document from his parents all drawn up by a solicitor when he bought it
House hadn't increased in value in any way come the split.
She was potless
End result after barely 1-2 years marriage, he had to sell the flat and the deposit part was part of the settlement.
Spousal maintence for I think 10 years - he's still paying for this
Child maintence which he has no issue paying
She refused and the court refused a "final settlement"
She has a % of his future pension to pay her
And most disposable of all his gran died (and had some £) she tried to claim that had they still been married any inheritance she was due way over half of that.... fortunately nothing was given to him via the (last minute changed will) instead all to his parents who as you can imagine will honour the original will which does give him some benefit once ties are all finalised.
She was a vile vindictive individual (apparently a good mother... though some instances we saw were at odds with this).
Although she signed the bit of paper in front of a solicitor saying she would have no claim on the property, for the sake of the mortgage company, I know she will get half the equity from the split, and I've written that off in my head.An example of. A friend of mine.
He had a flat which his parents had paid the deposit on.
He moved into her rented house (and paid in full for rent and all costs)
They had a child together
Split very early / months after baby born.
The house had a buy to let mortgage he had a full financial loan document from his parents all drawn up by a solicitor when he bought it
House hadn't increased in value in any way come the split.
She was potless
End result after barely 1-2 years marriage, he had to sell the flat and the deposit part was part of the settlement.
Spousal maintence for I think 10 years - he's still paying for this
Child maintence which he has no issue paying
She refused and the court refused a "final settlement"
She has a % of his future pension to pay her
And most disposable of all his gran died (and had some £) she tried to claim that had they still been married any inheritance she was due way over half of that.... fortunately nothing was given to him via the (last minute changed will) instead all to his parents who as you can imagine will honour the original will which does give him some benefit once ties are all finalised.
She was a vile vindictive individual (apparently a good mother... though some instances we saw were at odds with this).
Popeyed said:
Although she signed the bit of paper in front of a solicitor saying she would have no claim on the property, for the sake of the mortgage company, I know she will get half the equity from the split, and I've written that off in my head.
I'd worry about the financial split later and concentrate on the interim arrangement prior to it all being formalised.OP if there is one factor which ended up being instrumental in my own personal 'turnaround', its the fact that despite the knee jerk instinct to just fold the family home and disappear from the face of the earth, I realised that I actually had an opportunity to be an anchor in my kids' new world which was otherwise dominated by their mother's sheer erraticism. Kids need stability and regime continuity - and that's something child phycologists, social workers, teachers and ultimately family courts will agree with. Now granted my kids were older than yours - a three year old will of course just go where he's taken - but I would suggest for the immediate time being it would be in your and your son's interests for you to just try and maintain normality as he knows it. Just be careful making any rash moves on the house - let the woman do all the knee jerking and pulling the poor lad from pillar to post - because if you do find yourself in the unfortunate position of having to take action to have contact, this will reflect well on you.
My initial feelings once she had left, were sheer despair and helplessness, and I dreaded being in the family home alone. I hated the fact I was in this shell of a once busy family house, dead quiet and alone, and wanted to just let it go. But instead I had the tenancy re-written in my sole name and dug in. It was the best thing I ever did because when it came to the serious stuff like applying for a court order in respect of the children's arrangements, I was able to demonstrate my prioritisation of the children's stable interests whereas it was immediately evident that the wife was just dragging the kids around with no serious thought for the emotional impact it was having on them... right at the time it was all starting to go pear shaped for her and her wonderful new life.
My initial feelings once she had left, were sheer despair and helplessness, and I dreaded being in the family home alone. I hated the fact I was in this shell of a once busy family house, dead quiet and alone, and wanted to just let it go. But instead I had the tenancy re-written in my sole name and dug in. It was the best thing I ever did because when it came to the serious stuff like applying for a court order in respect of the children's arrangements, I was able to demonstrate my prioritisation of the children's stable interests whereas it was immediately evident that the wife was just dragging the kids around with no serious thought for the emotional impact it was having on them... right at the time it was all starting to go pear shaped for her and her wonderful new life.
Edited by theboss on Saturday 11th February 10:49
Very sorry to hear this & you are no doubt in a very bad place right now.
Firstly it probably feels like the end of the world, but it's really not. It's the start of a new one.
Secondly unless there's a huge back story that you've not mentioned. Selling the car, house & starting a divorce process without even had communication with your wife is a bit premature. Maybe she is sending you a message about changes she wants. You are telling her it's over without understanding where she is mentally. Unless you wanted to end it anyway, step back, don't take the steps you are embarked upon at least until you've had her perspective. Again that does't mean not to prepare for the worst.
Firstly it probably feels like the end of the world, but it's really not. It's the start of a new one.
Secondly unless there's a huge back story that you've not mentioned. Selling the car, house & starting a divorce process without even had communication with your wife is a bit premature. Maybe she is sending you a message about changes she wants. You are telling her it's over without understanding where she is mentally. Unless you wanted to end it anyway, step back, don't take the steps you are embarked upon at least until you've had her perspective. Again that does't mean not to prepare for the worst.
Edited by GT03ROB on Saturday 11th February 15:26
GT03ROB said:
Very sorry to hear this & you are no doubt in a very bad place right now.
Firstly it probably feels like the end of the world, but it's really not. It's the start of a new one.
Secondly unless there's a huge back story that you've not mentioned. Selling the car, house & starting a divorce process without even had communication with your wife is a bit premature. Maybe she is sending you a message about changes she wants. You are telling her it's over without understanding where she is mentally. Unless you wanted to end it anyway, step back, don't take the steps you are embarked upon at least until you've had her perspective. Again that does;t mean prepare for the worst.
This ^^^^^ quite agree. Don't rush such key issues. You need to think in the longer term.Firstly it probably feels like the end of the world, but it's really not. It's the start of a new one.
Secondly unless there's a huge back story that you've not mentioned. Selling the car, house & starting a divorce process without even had communication with your wife is a bit premature. Maybe she is sending you a message about changes she wants. You are telling her it's over without understanding where she is mentally. Unless you wanted to end it anyway, step back, don't take the steps you are embarked upon at least until you've had her perspective. Again that does;t mean prepare for the worst.
Sounds like you are making the right steps.
I was in the opposite position to you 2 years ago. I walked out on my ex and I know that I would have done everything I could to have stayed in my house as I loved it and didn't really have anywhere to go and no money. However I was fearful of the alternative and my head wasn't in the right place, so just vanished.
Is there any reason why your wife might have walked out rather than asking you to leave? She might be in a very bad place to do that. It's the total opposite to what women are advised to do if they seek solicitors advice before leaving. Women's aid will only recommend they leave if they are in danger.
I lost out a lot on the financial settlement I should have got as I left in such a rush, and I wasn't able to prove that all the debt he claimed I had a part to was nothing to do with me, but it was a small price to pay I guess.
My ex never even asked why I left and that just showed how little he really cared that I had done.
In your position I would be doing everything in my power to find out if she is ok, why she left rather than asked you to leave and if you want to make amends take it from there.
Good luck
I was in the opposite position to you 2 years ago. I walked out on my ex and I know that I would have done everything I could to have stayed in my house as I loved it and didn't really have anywhere to go and no money. However I was fearful of the alternative and my head wasn't in the right place, so just vanished.
Is there any reason why your wife might have walked out rather than asking you to leave? She might be in a very bad place to do that. It's the total opposite to what women are advised to do if they seek solicitors advice before leaving. Women's aid will only recommend they leave if they are in danger.
I lost out a lot on the financial settlement I should have got as I left in such a rush, and I wasn't able to prove that all the debt he claimed I had a part to was nothing to do with me, but it was a small price to pay I guess.
My ex never even asked why I left and that just showed how little he really cared that I had done.
In your position I would be doing everything in my power to find out if she is ok, why she left rather than asked you to leave and if you want to make amends take it from there.
Good luck
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