Not sure where to turn
Discussion
Not sure where to start here or how long this will go on for but I have really reached a point where I don't feel I can continue.
I'll start with a bit of background. I'm 37 and have suffered from depression since I was 15. I have tried keeping it under control but it comes and goes. My life has completely fallen apart a few times now (loss of jobs, friends, literally penniless and alone). I have been on medication on and off for the past 20 years and am currently taking Sertraline.
I have had suicidal thought going back as far as I remember and have been close to acting on them a couple of times. Most recently was 2 years ago when my manager at work found a suicide note in my jacket. I am currently working in car sales and have held down a job for 7 years now which is the longest in my entire life.
last year a long term relationship ended which was a mutual decision as there were no real feelings left by the end. It was more just convenient for us to live together and share expenses than a relationship for the last couple of years. Anyway she moved out and I now live alone.
Work over the past few months has been getting more and more demanding, the hours were always rough but they have been getting to the point where they are now ridiculous. I leave the house at 7.30 every morning and don't get home till 8.30 - 9.00 at night most nights 6 days a week. Sunday night I got home at 11.30.
I used to enjoy my job but now i really hate it. All the fun has been taken out of it as we are expected to do more and more. We are missing key members of staff so we are picking up the slack and doing things outside our job description, tying us up and preventing us doing our jobs which in turn leads to more hours and more stress.
About a year ago I met a woman and we got on really well. We were both in other relationships when we met. My relationship was all but dead and hers was quite abusive. we used to meet up whenever we could which wasn't as often as either of us wanted. We were together from March till July then again from November till a couple of days ago. She has been distant the last couple of weeks then she text me a couple of days ago saying she doesn't want to talk to me any more.
I have spent the last couple of days just walking round in a daze. I just don't know what I'm doing any more or where my life is heading. I have just been sitting at work considering what parts of my life are worth carrying on with if any. I keep coming round to the same conclusion which is maybe its best not to carry on. I'm not thinking about it too seriously just yet but there is a possibility the thoughts might become more serious in time.
I don't know if this is a cry for help of just me ranting and getting things off my chest but i seriously don't know what to do.
I'll start with a bit of background. I'm 37 and have suffered from depression since I was 15. I have tried keeping it under control but it comes and goes. My life has completely fallen apart a few times now (loss of jobs, friends, literally penniless and alone). I have been on medication on and off for the past 20 years and am currently taking Sertraline.
I have had suicidal thought going back as far as I remember and have been close to acting on them a couple of times. Most recently was 2 years ago when my manager at work found a suicide note in my jacket. I am currently working in car sales and have held down a job for 7 years now which is the longest in my entire life.
last year a long term relationship ended which was a mutual decision as there were no real feelings left by the end. It was more just convenient for us to live together and share expenses than a relationship for the last couple of years. Anyway she moved out and I now live alone.
Work over the past few months has been getting more and more demanding, the hours were always rough but they have been getting to the point where they are now ridiculous. I leave the house at 7.30 every morning and don't get home till 8.30 - 9.00 at night most nights 6 days a week. Sunday night I got home at 11.30.
I used to enjoy my job but now i really hate it. All the fun has been taken out of it as we are expected to do more and more. We are missing key members of staff so we are picking up the slack and doing things outside our job description, tying us up and preventing us doing our jobs which in turn leads to more hours and more stress.
About a year ago I met a woman and we got on really well. We were both in other relationships when we met. My relationship was all but dead and hers was quite abusive. we used to meet up whenever we could which wasn't as often as either of us wanted. We were together from March till July then again from November till a couple of days ago. She has been distant the last couple of weeks then she text me a couple of days ago saying she doesn't want to talk to me any more.
I have spent the last couple of days just walking round in a daze. I just don't know what I'm doing any more or where my life is heading. I have just been sitting at work considering what parts of my life are worth carrying on with if any. I keep coming round to the same conclusion which is maybe its best not to carry on. I'm not thinking about it too seriously just yet but there is a possibility the thoughts might become more serious in time.
I don't know if this is a cry for help of just me ranting and getting things off my chest but i seriously don't know what to do.
So 5 months on and im back here again. I quit my job 9 days after the last post after my old manager literally talked me down off a bridge.
The woman from my other post broke things off with me a few days before that and she then got married to the guy that was beating her back in June.
I tried to get a job in another industry but failed and ended back selling cars at another dealership which I really hate. My new boss realised something was wrong and I couldn't hide how much I disliked the job so he is now interviewing for my replacement.
I tried a dating website and met a couple of people bit both times got the same "You are a really nice guy but not for me. You'll find someone else no problem because you are great" rejections which is really only cementing all feelings of worthlessness.
I think about suicide 20-30 times a day and sit at my desk at work googling reasons not to kill myself but I really feel like I am running out.pf answers.
The woman from my other post broke things off with me a few days before that and she then got married to the guy that was beating her back in June.
I tried to get a job in another industry but failed and ended back selling cars at another dealership which I really hate. My new boss realised something was wrong and I couldn't hide how much I disliked the job so he is now interviewing for my replacement.
I tried a dating website and met a couple of people bit both times got the same "You are a really nice guy but not for me. You'll find someone else no problem because you are great" rejections which is really only cementing all feelings of worthlessness.
I think about suicide 20-30 times a day and sit at my desk at work googling reasons not to kill myself but I really feel like I am running out.pf answers.
So 5 months on and im back here again. I quit my job 9 days after the last post after my old manager literally talked me down off a bridge.
The woman from my other post broke things off with me a few days before that and she then got married to the guy that was beating her back in June.
I tried to get a job in another industry but failed and ended back selling cars at another dealership which I really hate. My new boss realised something was wrong and I couldn't hide how much I disliked the job so he is now interviewing for my replacement.
I tried a dating website and met a couple of people bit both times got the same "You are a really nice guy but not for me. You'll find someone else no problem because you are great" rejections which is really only cementing all feelings of worthlessness.
I think about suicide 20-30 times a day and sit at my desk at work googling reasons not to kill myself but I really feel like I am running out.pf answers.
The woman from my other post broke things off with me a few days before that and she then got married to the guy that was beating her back in June.
I tried to get a job in another industry but failed and ended back selling cars at another dealership which I really hate. My new boss realised something was wrong and I couldn't hide how much I disliked the job so he is now interviewing for my replacement.
I tried a dating website and met a couple of people bit both times got the same "You are a really nice guy but not for me. You'll find someone else no problem because you are great" rejections which is really only cementing all feelings of worthlessness.
I think about suicide 20-30 times a day and sit at my desk at work googling reasons not to kill myself but I really feel like I am running out.pf answers.
Well done for finding another job and for trying to get back out there, even if it's not working out great right now.
Who do you have around you, e.g family or friends? Is there anyone you could lean on at the moment? What has your GP said?
There's always us. We're here. You are not completely alone, I promise.
Who do you have around you, e.g family or friends? Is there anyone you could lean on at the moment? What has your GP said?
There's always us. We're here. You are not completely alone, I promise.
Wobbegong said:
What is it you dislike about the new job? Have you considered a similar role in another industry?
Dissatisfaction with work seems to be a big issue. Maybe resolving that part of your life will improve the rest?
I despise the motor trade as a whole these days. I was a painter in a body shop before being in sales so I'm not really qualified to do much else. Dissatisfaction with work seems to be a big issue. Maybe resolving that part of your life will improve the rest?
Sounds like a really crap situation OP. I'm genuinely concerned how frequent you suicidal thoughts are, and strongly encourage you to speak to your GP asap.
Sertraline is a decent drug, but anti-depressants alone aren't often enough for long standing depression. Given that you've had depression for more than half your life, I'm going to guess that the isolation and work situation aren't necessarily the underlying cause (even though they sound like they've certainly made life feel crap for you right now).
Please see you GP and request some talking therapy. There are lot of different approaches available, so you may have to test drive a few different ones before you find an approach that resonates with you.
When you're depressed, you brain becomes a real dodgy neighbourhood full of unhelpful thoughts, and getting help to navigate your way round can be really useful and allow you to start seeing the good bits of life again.
I don't mean to blow smoke up your arse, but you've clearly got good characteristics to be able to get a job and get dates (better than some folk can manage), so there is hope if you can identify different ways of managing your thoughts.
While you're waiting to see your GP, have the Samaritans number to hand just in case your thoughts escalate (116 123), and there's good apps these days you can use (e.g. ClamHarm and Stay Alive).
You're still young, so there's plenty of time to work through things. Bear in mind change won't be quick, but there is plenty of support out there if you ask for it.
Good luck.
Sertraline is a decent drug, but anti-depressants alone aren't often enough for long standing depression. Given that you've had depression for more than half your life, I'm going to guess that the isolation and work situation aren't necessarily the underlying cause (even though they sound like they've certainly made life feel crap for you right now).
Please see you GP and request some talking therapy. There are lot of different approaches available, so you may have to test drive a few different ones before you find an approach that resonates with you.
When you're depressed, you brain becomes a real dodgy neighbourhood full of unhelpful thoughts, and getting help to navigate your way round can be really useful and allow you to start seeing the good bits of life again.
I don't mean to blow smoke up your arse, but you've clearly got good characteristics to be able to get a job and get dates (better than some folk can manage), so there is hope if you can identify different ways of managing your thoughts.
While you're waiting to see your GP, have the Samaritans number to hand just in case your thoughts escalate (116 123), and there's good apps these days you can use (e.g. ClamHarm and Stay Alive).
You're still young, so there's plenty of time to work through things. Bear in mind change won't be quick, but there is plenty of support out there if you ask for it.
Good luck.
Where do you live OP?
You don't like your life as it is. Change it, do something bats
t mental / different. Go with medicines sans frontiers to gabon, build a school. Sack off the normal life, rent a cheap room in yorkshire, and take a st job doing stag do's quads / archery / whatever.
Whatever you do, don't keep doing the same thing. The same thing makes you unhappy. IMO an active, outdoors fitness and happy customer thing might gee you up, in that it ticks all the boxes of "decent job" other than pay. Given that you fancy topping yourself, who gives a fk about the bank balance down the road? Just get a cheap room, live within your means for 6 moths, and see where it fits with you come winter. If it's that drastic near christmas, fly to Thailand and just go mental. Thailand is the best, most hatstand place on earth. It's impossible to not smile there.
You don't like your life as it is. Change it, do something bats
t mental / different. Go with medicines sans frontiers to gabon, build a school. Sack off the normal life, rent a cheap room in yorkshire, and take a st job doing stag do's quads / archery / whatever.Whatever you do, don't keep doing the same thing. The same thing makes you unhappy. IMO an active, outdoors fitness and happy customer thing might gee you up, in that it ticks all the boxes of "decent job" other than pay. Given that you fancy topping yourself, who gives a f
k about the bank balance down the road? Just get a cheap room, live within your means for 6 moths, and see where it fits with you come winter. If it's that drastic near christmas, fly to Thailand and just go mental. Thailand is the best, most hatstand place on earth. It's impossible to not smile there.Hi OP,
I had a bit of a breakdown when I was 28; crashed my car into a ditch while drunk - not 100% an accident. Lost job, sold house, literally went from all to nothing.
As I had no driving license, I was forced into doing various temp jobs, most of which were crap, until one day I went to a construction agency. Had to buy a hard hat, steel toe caps and hi-vis jacket.
My time as a labourer on a building site ( the Premier Inn in Norwich ) were some of the happiest of my life. The physical work really knackers you out. A beer after a hard days manual labour tastes magic and you sleep like a baby.
The banter and camaraderie with the other guys is fun, if a bit daunting at the start, but it is the physical work that actually makes you feel great.
Team sports has been mentioned above, but you get paid for labouring.
Not sure if that's any help, but wish you the very best.
I had a bit of a breakdown when I was 28; crashed my car into a ditch while drunk - not 100% an accident. Lost job, sold house, literally went from all to nothing.
As I had no driving license, I was forced into doing various temp jobs, most of which were crap, until one day I went to a construction agency. Had to buy a hard hat, steel toe caps and hi-vis jacket.
My time as a labourer on a building site ( the Premier Inn in Norwich ) were some of the happiest of my life. The physical work really knackers you out. A beer after a hard days manual labour tastes magic and you sleep like a baby.
The banter and camaraderie with the other guys is fun, if a bit daunting at the start, but it is the physical work that actually makes you feel great.
Team sports has been mentioned above, but you get paid for labouring.
Not sure if that's any help, but wish you the very best.
Some Gump said:
Where do you live OP?
You don't like your life as it is. Change it, do something batst mental / different. Go with medicines sans frontiers to gabon, build a school. Sack off the normal life, rent a cheap room in yorkshire, and take a st job doing stag do's quads / archery / whatever.
Whatever you do, don't keep doing the same thing. The same thing makes you unhappy. IMO an active, outdoors fitness and happy customer thing might gee you up, in that it ticks all the boxes of "decent job" other than pay. Given that you fancy topping yourself, who gives a fk about the bank balance down the road? Just get a cheap room, live within your means for 6 moths, and see where it fits with you come winter. If it's that drastic near christmas, fly to Thailand and just go mental. Thailand is the best, most hatstand place on earth. It's impossible to not smile there.
I was going to post something similar. For someone who is married, kids, mortgage etc etc the advice would be very different. But if you truly have few/no people around you and you feel that low you really need to make a radical change now. Travelling would certainly give you some live experiences that would make life seem more worthwhile and who knows where you'll end up. If you end up back in the same place in the same job in a year's time what have you lost? Nothing...You don't like your life as it is. Change it, do something bats
t mental / different. Go with medicines sans frontiers to gabon, build a school. Sack off the normal life, rent a cheap room in yorkshire, and take a st job doing stag do's quads / archery / whatever.Whatever you do, don't keep doing the same thing. The same thing makes you unhappy. IMO an active, outdoors fitness and happy customer thing might gee you up, in that it ticks all the boxes of "decent job" other than pay. Given that you fancy topping yourself, who gives a f
k about the bank balance down the road? Just get a cheap room, live within your means for 6 moths, and see where it fits with you come winter. If it's that drastic near christmas, fly to Thailand and just go mental. Thailand is the best, most hatstand place on earth. It's impossible to not smile there.Hi OP,
I won't say I've been where you are because its unique for everyone, but I have at different points in my life had thoughts similar to yours and am a similar age. I also lost a brother to suicide 1.5 years ago and I can tell you it is the single most devastating thing I have ever experienced, so don't convince yourself no-one will miss you because it simply isn't true. There are people who love you and care about you even if you don't love yourself, friends, family and all of them will want to help and even if you think none of them care, people on here, myself included do care or why would we bother replying..
It does sound like you need a change of scenery though, I'd advise to talk to your GP as maybe your meds aren't quite doing what they should, I attend grief counselling once a month since the first anniversary of my brother's death and I find it excellent, I had a session yesterday in fact. I went in with some vague feeling of being upset and not really being sure why which I'd had for a few weeks now and within an hour I had realised just by talking it through why things were bothering me. Its draining but liberating at the same time, so I can highly recommend talking therapy.
As others have said, if you are at the point where you are considering killing yourself, then all the usual rules go out the window, its time to cash in savings and get out of where you are, go somewhere new, maybe with some nice weather, do you have any buddies living abroad who would put you up for a few days, maybe pay them a visit, if not then splash out on a nice hotel. Use the time to re-evaluate and think outside the box, what do you enjoy doing? Can you make any money doing it or something similar? If not, could you be eligable for some illness benefit, what about doing some volunteering, helping others and building your self worth.
Consider the things you have rather than the things you don't have or have lost. It sounds from your most recent post that you will be without work soon, that's probably a good thing given your situation as work seemed to be making you miserable. What it gives you is time, lots of it, use it to get outside, maybe take up running (walking first
), do a 5k, focus on eating better, join a club, meet some people. Put yourself first for once.
Sorry for the long rambling post, if I was as good at taking my own advice as I am at dishing it out I'd have it sussed, but I've come to realise no-one really does, some will try to convince you they do but they don't. We're all human, all vulnerable, sometimes things are great, sometimes things are st, but we're all just doing what we can so give yourself a break.
I'll summarise my advice below.
1. Resolve to fight for your life with everything you have, for your own sake and the sake of those you love and who love you. You are not alone.
2. Talk to your GP, if necessary have an initial appointment to make a start and arrange other appointments in quick succession to evaluate progress.
3. Talk to someone, call the samaritans if you cannot get an appointment when you need it. But do sort out some regular counselling, never leave a session without arranging a follow up appointment.
4. Get out of where you are, change your scenery, change your routine, the same actions will yield the same results.
5. Be without a job for a while. Give yourself room to think. It seems to be a large part of what is making you miserable. Consider volunteering for a while.
6. Travel, have a break even if you don't leave the country, go somewhere peaceful, tranquil, read a book, go for a walk etc..
7. Give yourself a break, stop being so bloody hard on yourself, you seem like a good guy, you're just having a hard time.
8. Be selfish, do the things you want/need to give yourself time/space to cope and begin to rebuild.
9. Above all, please do not take that awful irreversible step, from someone who has seen the fallout first hand .... fight! Things can and will get better.
Genuinely wish you all the best mate, PM me any time.
I won't say I've been where you are because its unique for everyone, but I have at different points in my life had thoughts similar to yours and am a similar age. I also lost a brother to suicide 1.5 years ago and I can tell you it is the single most devastating thing I have ever experienced, so don't convince yourself no-one will miss you because it simply isn't true. There are people who love you and care about you even if you don't love yourself, friends, family and all of them will want to help and even if you think none of them care, people on here, myself included do care or why would we bother replying..
It does sound like you need a change of scenery though, I'd advise to talk to your GP as maybe your meds aren't quite doing what they should, I attend grief counselling once a month since the first anniversary of my brother's death and I find it excellent, I had a session yesterday in fact. I went in with some vague feeling of being upset and not really being sure why which I'd had for a few weeks now and within an hour I had realised just by talking it through why things were bothering me. Its draining but liberating at the same time, so I can highly recommend talking therapy.
As others have said, if you are at the point where you are considering killing yourself, then all the usual rules go out the window, its time to cash in savings and get out of where you are, go somewhere new, maybe with some nice weather, do you have any buddies living abroad who would put you up for a few days, maybe pay them a visit, if not then splash out on a nice hotel. Use the time to re-evaluate and think outside the box, what do you enjoy doing? Can you make any money doing it or something similar? If not, could you be eligable for some illness benefit, what about doing some volunteering, helping others and building your self worth.
Consider the things you have rather than the things you don't have or have lost. It sounds from your most recent post that you will be without work soon, that's probably a good thing given your situation as work seemed to be making you miserable. What it gives you is time, lots of it, use it to get outside, maybe take up running (walking first
), do a 5k, focus on eating better, join a club, meet some people. Put yourself first for once.Sorry for the long rambling post, if I was as good at taking my own advice as I am at dishing it out I'd have it sussed, but I've come to realise no-one really does, some will try to convince you they do but they don't. We're all human, all vulnerable, sometimes things are great, sometimes things are s
t, but we're all just doing what we can so give yourself a break.I'll summarise my advice below.
1. Resolve to fight for your life with everything you have, for your own sake and the sake of those you love and who love you. You are not alone.
2. Talk to your GP, if necessary have an initial appointment to make a start and arrange other appointments in quick succession to evaluate progress.
3. Talk to someone, call the samaritans if you cannot get an appointment when you need it. But do sort out some regular counselling, never leave a session without arranging a follow up appointment.
4. Get out of where you are, change your scenery, change your routine, the same actions will yield the same results.
5. Be without a job for a while. Give yourself room to think. It seems to be a large part of what is making you miserable. Consider volunteering for a while.
6. Travel, have a break even if you don't leave the country, go somewhere peaceful, tranquil, read a book, go for a walk etc..
7. Give yourself a break, stop being so bloody hard on yourself, you seem like a good guy, you're just having a hard time.
8. Be selfish, do the things you want/need to give yourself time/space to cope and begin to rebuild.
9. Above all, please do not take that awful irreversible step, from someone who has seen the fallout first hand .... fight! Things can and will get better.
Genuinely wish you all the best mate, PM me any time.
Gassing Station | Health Matters | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff