Divorcing, how to handle kids and house
Discussion
Usually the advice is:
1) Try to come to an agreement with minimal amount of outside (read lawyers) help
2) Stay in the house
3) It sounds like you're relatively amicable. Try to keep it that way, and get the house sold as quickly as you can before it goes sour.
Legally, you have a right to both stay in the property you jointly and neither can change the locks without giving the other access.
1) Try to come to an agreement with minimal amount of outside (read lawyers) help
2) Stay in the house
3) It sounds like you're relatively amicable. Try to keep it that way, and get the house sold as quickly as you can before it goes sour.
Legally, you have a right to both stay in the property you jointly and neither can change the locks without giving the other access.
Same here, a few months ahead of you.
1. Don't move out. DO NOT MOVE OUT. It will be unpleasant for a while but you'll figure out a new "normal". If you move out and keep paying, then it appears you can manage so reduce your claim on the asset (broadly speaking) and then what incentive does she have to sell?
2. Tell the kids as soon as you can. Depending on their ages, tell the school first so they can have support in place.
3. Don't tell the kids what you THINK will happen. Tell them when you KNOW.
4. Go and see a solicitor. You can look for a collaborative solicitor who will mediate with you, but they're not that common. Either way, you should attend a MIAM meeting (google it) with a mediator after you've engaged a solicitor to see if you can reach agreement without firing legal letters (£££) at each other. You need the solicitor to help you check your agreement, it reduces your costs in the end as there's no need to appear in court.
5. One of you will have to divorce the other. That means you/she need grounds - there is no "no fault" divorce. So one of you essentially needs to accuse the other of something, but it could be fairly trivial. By the way, absence of sex, washing up, cleaning etc will not be enough. Again, your solicitor will help.
6. If you trust your wife, carry on as you are financially but watch bank statements etc. If you don't, move your money away. You can't hide it, just put it out of her reach. The key here is to decide what your remaining relationship is like. Ours is OK enough that we're still sharing a bank account, the house and some (but not many) domestic duties.
7. Google "How to fill out Form E". Read as much as you can on this. You will save legal fees if you can do it yourself. You can download a Form E to have a look.
8. You need to prepare a budget and start gathering things like bank/credit card statements, pension valuations etc.
Mediation with legal support is better than lawyers alone. My advice is don't try to do it on your own, you can get stitched up very badly without advice. Budget 3K for both of you with mediation and legal fees.
If you want to talk, please PM me and I'm happy to chat.
1. Don't move out. DO NOT MOVE OUT. It will be unpleasant for a while but you'll figure out a new "normal". If you move out and keep paying, then it appears you can manage so reduce your claim on the asset (broadly speaking) and then what incentive does she have to sell?
2. Tell the kids as soon as you can. Depending on their ages, tell the school first so they can have support in place.
3. Don't tell the kids what you THINK will happen. Tell them when you KNOW.
4. Go and see a solicitor. You can look for a collaborative solicitor who will mediate with you, but they're not that common. Either way, you should attend a MIAM meeting (google it) with a mediator after you've engaged a solicitor to see if you can reach agreement without firing legal letters (£££) at each other. You need the solicitor to help you check your agreement, it reduces your costs in the end as there's no need to appear in court.
5. One of you will have to divorce the other. That means you/she need grounds - there is no "no fault" divorce. So one of you essentially needs to accuse the other of something, but it could be fairly trivial. By the way, absence of sex, washing up, cleaning etc will not be enough. Again, your solicitor will help.
6. If you trust your wife, carry on as you are financially but watch bank statements etc. If you don't, move your money away. You can't hide it, just put it out of her reach. The key here is to decide what your remaining relationship is like. Ours is OK enough that we're still sharing a bank account, the house and some (but not many) domestic duties.
7. Google "How to fill out Form E". Read as much as you can on this. You will save legal fees if you can do it yourself. You can download a Form E to have a look.
8. You need to prepare a budget and start gathering things like bank/credit card statements, pension valuations etc.
Mediation with legal support is better than lawyers alone. My advice is don't try to do it on your own, you can get stitched up very badly without advice. Budget 3K for both of you with mediation and legal fees.
If you want to talk, please PM me and I'm happy to chat.
If it does get legal, the courts always look to the best interests of the children. 99% of the time the mother gets custody of them. Kids need a roof over there heads so they won't force her to sell the house. The end result is she keeps the house and kids and you have to help pay the mortgage if she can't.
No its not fair. but neither is the marraige contract if you are male. Sorry I know its not what you want to hear.
No its not fair. but neither is the marraige contract if you are male. Sorry I know its not what you want to hear.
With 3 children you are not going to come of it with much money I am afraid, not fair but that is how it works. Your ex may start off being decent about how the split is done, but once people start putting ideas in her head and the sense of entitlement grows then that will go out of the window. It does not sound like you have a great deal of equity in the house, so all that will go to her if its sold, but if she can get the mortgage in her name a judge may put a mesher order on it instead of ordering a sale so you wont see a penny until your youngest leaves school and she will have a big chunk of your pension etc as well. Lots of threads running in the lounge allied to this matter if you do a search.
You will also be looking at handing over 25% of your gross salary as well in csa payments with 3 kids, so pretty much just under half of your take home pay for a long time.
Some good advice I was given was its a bit like you are 17 again, totally skint but free as a bird.
You will also be looking at handing over 25% of your gross salary as well in csa payments with 3 kids, so pretty much just under half of your take home pay for a long time.
Some good advice I was given was its a bit like you are 17 again, totally skint but free as a bird.
Edited by PAUL500 on Sunday 2nd April 00:07
PAUL500 said:
With 3 children you are not going to come of it with much money I am afraid, not fair but that is how it works. Your ex may start off being decent about how the split is done, but once people start putting ideas in her head and the sense of entitlement grows then that will go out of the window. It does not sound like you have a great deal of equity in the house, so all that will go to her if its sold, but if she can get the mortgage in her name a judge may put a mesher order on it instead of ordering a sale so you wont see a penny until your youngest leaves school and she will have a big chunk of your pension etc as well. Lots of threads running in the lounge allied to this matter if you do a search.
You will also be looking at handing over 25% of your gross salary as well in csa payments with 3 kids, so pretty much just under half of your take home pay for a long time.
Some good advice I was given was its a bit like you are 17 again, totally skint but free as a bird.
25% of Nett, not Gross.You will also be looking at handing over 25% of your gross salary as well in csa payments with 3 kids, so pretty much just under half of your take home pay for a long time.
Some good advice I was given was its a bit like you are 17 again, totally skint but free as a bird.
Edited by PAUL500 on Sunday 2nd April 00:07
But pretty irrelevant in reality as the 'deal' will be around the kids having a roof over their heads. Go collaborative if you can and be prepared for the soon to be ex to suddenly be very money focused. Mine wanted £2K of dentistry bills to be taken into account when the numbers were being worked, a year after I'd some veneers.
There's no standard answer as every situation is different, but when me and the ex split we sold the family home to release equity, she got the lion's share so she could afford a place for her and the kids, and I took enough to put down on a deposit for me to buy a house. The monthly payment to her was agreed based on her and kids needs, whilst leaving me enough to live on using the CSA 25% as a starting point.
Thunderhead said:
.
I am hoping that we will be amicable about looking after the kids, and hopefully also about sale of the house, but what are my clear rights in this regard?
Realistically, only the kids have rights. I am hoping that we will be amicable about looking after the kids, and hopefully also about sale of the house, but what are my clear rights in this regard?
The adults only have responsibilities.
Hopefully, you can divvy them up between yourselves without too much pain.
Same for any assets and income.
TLandCruiser said:
What would happen in a situation like this if the father thought, f
k this, and left the country without paying any money to the wife?
That depends on which country he ends up at. Some have a (usually reciprocal) legal agreement in place to assist in recovering cash from such people, some don't.k this, and left the country without paying any money to the wife? The overwhelming advice always seems to be to not move out. So take that as a starter. However a word of caution on that front. IT make be the right answer from a legal/rights standpoint, but from many other angles it can be a total disaster particularly if your relationship with the other half is bad.
Do whatever you can to keep it amicable. The result will be better for both of you with far less stress if you can.
Lawyers for the most part are the spawn of satan in a divorce. I had a reasonably amicable divorce with most things agreed, it was only when lawyers got involved that there were problems.
With kids involved try your best to keep relations civil with your soon to be ex. From what I've seen kids can take a split far easier if things are seen to be civil. When it's not kids feel pressured to take sides which is bad for them. Regarding the kids do the right thing for them not you. These are very different things, don't persuade yourself whats right for you is whats right for them.
Do whatever you can to keep it amicable. The result will be better for both of you with far less stress if you can.
Lawyers for the most part are the spawn of satan in a divorce. I had a reasonably amicable divorce with most things agreed, it was only when lawyers got involved that there were problems.
With kids involved try your best to keep relations civil with your soon to be ex. From what I've seen kids can take a split far easier if things are seen to be civil. When it's not kids feel pressured to take sides which is bad for them. Regarding the kids do the right thing for them not you. These are very different things, don't persuade yourself whats right for you is whats right for them.
Wobbegong said:
Is the marriage definitely unrecoverable? Have you considered getting relationship help etc ?
This.1000%
There are thousands of marriages which have gone through very bad patches, sometimes lasting months or years, where the couples have grown to love each other again....don't do anything rash.
TheDrBrian said:
Depending on the misses they might anyway.
Indeed and I can understand anyone in the OP's position contemplating just cutting and running - I know I did on more than one occasion. Ultimately though I was motivated by my desire to play a major role in their lives - more so than prior to separation and that's exactly what I did, and continue to do. When their whole world implodes they need parents who are solid, condistent and dependable. If one just legs it off into the sunset they are pretty much consigning themselves to having no or very little contact. If the children are young and the mother is totally obstructive about contact anyway, then I'd understand why one might just disappear, but only after putting up a good fight for the record.Try to stay together if at all possible (though it sounds like it's too late)
Do not move out
Try VERY HARD to stay on good terms to reach amicable decisions
Avoid solicitors as much as possible unless you like ridiculous bills for doing little
Keep involved with all family activities
Watch bank statements, review joint accounts
Expect to be struggling financially for some time to come
Don't assume your nice/friendly wife will stay the same...........
All the best.
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