Narcissistic sociopath child's mother
Discussion
Hi all, I'm in a bit of a pickle. (Excuse the title I wasn't sure how to word it, a bit shaken up and rushing)
I've had a child with a narcissistic sociopath.
Gaslighting, and everything is encompasses.
Triangulation
Stonewalling
Hoovering
Verbal/physical abuse
Pathological lying
Started of the same, Love bombing, very intense, then gradual the mask slips and she reveals her identity, I have dealt with the fact I got back with her and got her pregnant. I've dealt with it all, and have come to the conclusion she has NPD. I'm in a pretty low place at the moment.
She has just created a huge crazy-making scene, police were called and now I'm 100% she's going to do everything in her power to prevent me seeing my son. I am no use to her, I was only good when she needed something, and now she has the baby she has discarded me in true narcissistic fashion. This post isn't really potraying how I'm feeling right now.
Where do I go from here? Who do I contact? I'm obviously going to have to go through the courts.
Does anyone have any advice to give me/share?
Sorry if this post is brief, it doesn't really explain what my life has been like dealing with her, and its hard to explain, no-one seems to understand how they operate. I have posted on here after reading several divorce threads and have seen other people deal with woman like this. I cannot live my life walking on egg-shells, being a slave and a puppet, I tried to grit my teeth, I tried to let things go, and I have, but after what happened today, it cannot continue like this.
My son is 5 weeks old, I'm 22, she's 18, I'm a bus driver, she's unemployed, a full-time mum.
I've had a child with a narcissistic sociopath.
Gaslighting, and everything is encompasses.
Triangulation
Stonewalling
Hoovering
Verbal/physical abuse
Pathological lying
Started of the same, Love bombing, very intense, then gradual the mask slips and she reveals her identity, I have dealt with the fact I got back with her and got her pregnant. I've dealt with it all, and have come to the conclusion she has NPD. I'm in a pretty low place at the moment.
She has just created a huge crazy-making scene, police were called and now I'm 100% she's going to do everything in her power to prevent me seeing my son. I am no use to her, I was only good when she needed something, and now she has the baby she has discarded me in true narcissistic fashion. This post isn't really potraying how I'm feeling right now.
Where do I go from here? Who do I contact? I'm obviously going to have to go through the courts.
Does anyone have any advice to give me/share?
Sorry if this post is brief, it doesn't really explain what my life has been like dealing with her, and its hard to explain, no-one seems to understand how they operate. I have posted on here after reading several divorce threads and have seen other people deal with woman like this. I cannot live my life walking on egg-shells, being a slave and a puppet, I tried to grit my teeth, I tried to let things go, and I have, but after what happened today, it cannot continue like this.
My son is 5 weeks old, I'm 22, she's 18, I'm a bus driver, she's unemployed, a full-time mum.
Edited by IntriguedUser on Sunday 7th May 15:55
theboss said:
Sorry to hear this. I've been through something some similar s
t and can relate to how you're feeling, there are plenty of us here who can in fact. What was the outcome of the police being called? Was she accusing you of aggression / domestic violence?
I called the police as she was being very aggressive. She wanted to start an argument in the car (Always the car, bedroom, or some other enclosed area) just as I was leaving to drop her and our son home. I politely said I need to be calm and would rather talk another time as I'm driving and don't want to make a mistake. This didn't sit well with her and she blew up. she went out last night to a party, hasn't' slept at all, or the previous night, and was drinking. I don't think she was drunk, but she had been drinking last night in the early hours. She wanted to walk of with my son in the car seat, with no socks on, whilst very angry and aggressive, I didn't feel comfortable with this so I called the police as I believed she was a danger to my son, the abused part of me wants to justify why I did what I did, but I'm past that stage and won't doubt my actions one bit.t and can relate to how you're feeling, there are plenty of us here who can in fact. What was the outcome of the police being called? Was she accusing you of aggression / domestic violence?There was no outcome, they said the best thing is for her to take the child, and they gave me a slip with some helpline numbers on the back.
I wasn't sure what I wanted the outcome to be, although when she's gone, into her crazy-making mode, there's no going back. Suicide attempt (More like a threat at getting me to behave) trying to jump out the car twice whilst moving, and pushing the steering wheel and kicking me in the car whilst driving are just a few stunts she has pulled, based on this I had to cal
TLDR - No outcome, police called because I was worried about my sons safety, based on how she has acted previously when in creazy making mode. The baby went with her, and now I'm sitting here wondering when I'm going to see my son again.
Edited by IntriguedUser on Sunday 7th May 16:24
Sorry to hear about your situation. The thing is, she is not a woman, shes still a child. It sounds like no- one has taught her how to behave, what do her parents have to say about this?
She will probably be a bit hormonal so soon after the birth, so the best you can do is tread on eggshells for a while and let her stew for a bit.
Do not get lawyers involved whatever you do, they will only rip you off. The best you can do is leave alone for a while and if you want to communicate with he, in order to resolve things, dont text/facebook write a her letter. I bet shes never read one. Good luck.
She will probably be a bit hormonal so soon after the birth, so the best you can do is tread on eggshells for a while and let her stew for a bit.
Do not get lawyers involved whatever you do, they will only rip you off. The best you can do is leave alone for a while and if you want to communicate with he, in order to resolve things, dont text/facebook write a her letter. I bet shes never read one. Good luck.
Mercky said:
Sorry to hear about your situation. The thing is, she is not a woman, shes still a child. It sounds like no- one has taught her how to behave, what do her parents have to say about this?
She will probably be a bit hormonal so soon after the birth, so the best you can do is tread on eggshells for a while and let her stew for a bit.
Do not get lawyers involved whatever you do, they will only rip you off. The best you can do is leave alone for a while and if you want to communicate with he, in order to resolve things, dont text/facebook write a her letter. I bet shes never read one. Good luck.
I will leave it for a while, and have a think about writing a letter, problem is, how and what the hell do I write? Unless I beg and plead her, offer her some kind of material/tangible item/money she won't be interested. She's only going to be interested if there's a gain for her. Based on that I can't figure out what to writeShe will probably be a bit hormonal so soon after the birth, so the best you can do is tread on eggshells for a while and let her stew for a bit.
Do not get lawyers involved whatever you do, they will only rip you off. The best you can do is leave alone for a while and if you want to communicate with he, in order to resolve things, dont text/facebook write a her letter. I bet shes never read one. Good luck.
IntriguedUser said:
Based on that I can't figure out what to write
Even if you aren't living with her, there are other things you can offer as a Dad other than financial to list in your letter:1) A male role model - the child is likely to benefit from contact with it's father throughout it's life, even if it is only once a week.
2) Babysitting - this would enable her to lead a much more active social life, so is likely to be attractive to her.
Did I miss the memo where "triangulation" and "hoovering" made sense in the context of relationships?
Also 18 year old with a child is a bag of extreme emotions non-shocker.. she's barely an adult herself.
Whilst she might have PPD/PND, it would seem more likely that she's just young, and emotional, you know stuff that ought to have been immediately obvious before you knocked her up.
Also 18 year old with a child is a bag of extreme emotions non-shocker.. she's barely an adult herself.
Whilst she might have PPD/PND, it would seem more likely that she's just young, and emotional, you know stuff that ought to have been immediately obvious before you knocked her up.
Durzel said:
Did I miss the memo where "triangulation" and "hoovering" made sense in the context of relationships?
I'm worse than you! I hadn't heard of triangulation and hoovering but also gaslighting or stonewalling either (in a relationship context).Now I've looked them all up and discovered what they mean, I've realised that I've been living with a narcistic sociopath for nearly 30 years and all this time I thought she was just a normal woman.
edited to add, 'they all do that sir'
Edited by brrapp on Monday 8th May 13:18
brrapp said:
I'm worse than you! I hadn't heard of triangulation and hoovering but also gaslighting or stonewalling either (in a relationship context).
Now I've looked them all up and discovered what they mean, I've realised that I've been living with a narcistic sociopath for nearly 30 years and all this time I thought she was just a normal woman.
Glad it wasn't just me then. Thought he was talking about a GPS-enabled Dyson at first.Now I've looked them all up and discovered what they mean, I've realised that I've been living with a narcistic sociopath for nearly 30 years and all this time I thought she was just a normal woman.
edit: Having now Googled them myself they seem like rather grandiose ways of describing "raw emotions". I stand by my original belief that this girl, all 18 years of age with a child, probably is just a regular 18 year old girl who has a child she quite possibly (probably) hadn't seen coming in her whole life plan that ran til the end of the week.
None of this really helps the OP - but horse, stable door, etc. I would advise being as delicate as you can be with her. Courts, etc are hardly likely to help her emotional state, or the OPs.
Edited by Durzel on Monday 8th May 13:18
IntriguedUser said:
My son is 5 weeks old, I'm 22, she's 18, I'm a bus driver, she's unemployed, a full-time mum.
Who else does she have to help her through this huge life change with no life experience? Mum? Grandparents? Sister? Friends? Mums group?See if you can help her build a stronger support network first even if you decide to exit.
Do you have PR?
Keep a diary of everything said and all times when their was conflict. (but don't tell anyone you are doing this be as detailed as you can include as many quotes as possible)
Do not engage in any form of argument either in person or via any form of social media with her, her friends or family.
Do not post anything on any of your social media accounts that could cause conflict.
Do not engage in anything more than polite conversation, don't give her a lift anywhere, drop her off anywhere.
Keep a diary of everything said and all times when their was conflict. (but don't tell anyone you are doing this be as detailed as you can include as many quotes as possible)
Do not engage in any form of argument either in person or via any form of social media with her, her friends or family.
Do not post anything on any of your social media accounts that could cause conflict.
Do not engage in anything more than polite conversation, don't give her a lift anywhere, drop her off anywhere.
Fab32 said:
Do you have PR?
Keep a diary of everything said and all times when their was conflict. (but don't tell anyone you are doing this be as detailed as you can include as many quotes as possible)
Do not engage in any form of argument either in person or via any form of social media with her, her friends or family.
Do not post anything on any of your social media accounts that could cause conflict.
Do not engage in anything more than polite conversation, don't give her a lift anywhere, drop her off anywhere.
Thanks for the advice, I will take it on board. I don't have PR, but I have decided to communicate mostly via text. Where do I go from here? I don't see us being amicable, I have tried, but to co-exist in her world you have to effectively be her slave and jump through 20 hoops, and even then she'll try and create chaos from thin air.Keep a diary of everything said and all times when their was conflict. (but don't tell anyone you are doing this be as detailed as you can include as many quotes as possible)
Do not engage in any form of argument either in person or via any form of social media with her, her friends or family.
Do not post anything on any of your social media accounts that could cause conflict.
Do not engage in anything more than polite conversation, don't give her a lift anywhere, drop her off anywhere.
I think sending a letter may be a good idea, but in the short term maybe a quick text might help?
How come you don't have parental responsibility? Did she register the baby's birth without naming you? If she won't acknowledge you are the baby's father, has avoided naming you on the birth cert and wants no further relationship with you, then you're certainly on the back foot as far as securing contact is concerned (not impossible - it's just going to involve a lot of legal process).
I know we're all supposed to be caring and sharing these days...but for god's sake kids - keep it in your pants unless you're one billion percent sure she isn't a full on mental.
I have little sympathy here.
I guess this is just going to be another drain on social services as they try to sort out the mess.
I have little sympathy here.
I guess this is just going to be another drain on social services as they try to sort out the mess.
Apropos there was a BBC News article yesterday talking about "the new language of modern relationships", which talked about some of these new terms. I thought I was pretty young-at-heart but evidently I'm out of the loop.
Back in my day when I used to walk up hills both ways to work this kind of behaviour came under the umbrella of "she's mental".. simple. Suppose you can't say "mental" nowadays, every emotion has to be isolated and labelled. Kids today eh.
Back in my day when I used to walk up hills both ways to work this kind of behaviour came under the umbrella of "she's mental".. simple. Suppose you can't say "mental" nowadays, every emotion has to be isolated and labelled. Kids today eh.
Durzel said:
Apropos there was a BBC News article yesterday talking about "the new language of modern relationships", which talked about some of these new terms. I thought I was pretty young-at-heart but evidently I'm out of the loop.
One of my daughters works in psychology and she'd never heard of those terms. She doesn't specifically do relationship stuff but it often comes up during consultations. She thinks they're really American.Be interesting to know how the OP came to use those terms?
TBH I knew the term Gaslighting - but that is perhaps because i have read the book Fanny by Gaslight and seen the film.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fanny_by_Gaslight_(f...
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fanny_by_Gaslight_(f...
Sheepshanks said:
Durzel said:
Apropos there was a BBC News article yesterday talking about "the new language of modern relationships", which talked about some of these new terms. I thought I was pretty young-at-heart but evidently I'm out of the loop.
One of my daughters works in psychology and she'd never heard of those terms. She doesn't specifically do relationship stuff but it often comes up during consultations. She thinks they're really American.Be interesting to know how the OP came to use those terms?
Here's another one which may help the OP - http://www.thriveafterabuse.com/going-gray-rock/Rude-boy said:
TBH I knew the term Gaslighting - but that is perhaps because i have read the book Fanny by Gaslight and seen the film.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fanny_by_Gaslight_(f...
Wrong film. Gaslighting was so named from the plot theme in Gaslight - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslight_(1940_film)https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fanny_by_Gaslight_(f...
Hollywood produced its own version 4 years later - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslight_(1944_film)
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