Some advice required - losing a parent and the aftermath
Discussion
Summary is that my father passed away coupled with the grief, the sheer complexity of the estate and the lack of support is driving me to breaking point. I don't know how to manage my life, their life, my fathers estate, my job, my wife's needs, my own sanity.
Further detail.
My father recently passed away recently , which was very difficult for me to take as he was my best friend and dad - we socialised, played sport, he was my sounding board and just a superb bloke. Not only that, he was fit and healthy and then passed away from the Big C in a very short space of time. A shock for everyone as he was in his early 60's, successful with his own business and seemingly had another 20 years of life to live.
My mother was a housewife for many years and this has hit her massively as she isn't really very good at dealing with practical things at the best of times and now she is in a state of denial and can't get over my dads passing. I am pretty much managing her life at the moment as she is flapping at everything and I am worried she is going to be in arrears on unpaid bills etc. She also expects a lot of me despite me working all hours and needing to be in multiple places.
My sister, a true daddies girl but is a lawyer in the city and works all hours as a distraction. She is single, doesn't have much responsibility and is also very affected by dads passing. She says she wants to help but gets very defensive when I ask her to help or do anything.
Sister and mother live 45 mins away from me for context.
Then it leaves me.i am married, have a good job that pays well and we recently bought a new house prior to my fathers death - poor timing and all that. My fathers estate is complex - own business, uk property, foreign property and various other assets. We are at the stage of receiving the grant of probate but the sheer magnitude of paperwork, data gathering and other things are just ridiculous. We have a solicitor and accountant but they still require me / mum / sister to make the calls / send letters however I feel like I am doing it all - no initiative from the other folk.
In terms of family support, no one is really there to help.
My wife has been great through all this but there appears to be some friction developing between my mum, sister and my wife around my time and who I should spend my time with. I feel that I can't just say 'I want to sit at home and do nothing'- people are constantly wanting my time. I just want to spend time with the wife or on my own some weekends to recharge....
I feel that I am at breaking point, I can't focus at work, need to keep an eye on dads business (luckily the management team are self sufficient), keep an eye on all things, trying to fit in everything is just really bringing me down. I am struggling to sleep, my wife feels that I am not myself (she knows why and she has been great) but I'm just feeling like I'm floating in a dream on autopilot. I went to my dads office at his house last week and just sat at his desk and cried for about 1 hour. I am a 34 year old man ffs. I need to man up. I know this is life and it's my duty as my dads son to look after my family but it's a strange one for me.
How should i best deal with my situation? Any advice appreciated and am a regular user but wanted to post this anon for some reason.
Further detail.
My father recently passed away recently , which was very difficult for me to take as he was my best friend and dad - we socialised, played sport, he was my sounding board and just a superb bloke. Not only that, he was fit and healthy and then passed away from the Big C in a very short space of time. A shock for everyone as he was in his early 60's, successful with his own business and seemingly had another 20 years of life to live.
My mother was a housewife for many years and this has hit her massively as she isn't really very good at dealing with practical things at the best of times and now she is in a state of denial and can't get over my dads passing. I am pretty much managing her life at the moment as she is flapping at everything and I am worried she is going to be in arrears on unpaid bills etc. She also expects a lot of me despite me working all hours and needing to be in multiple places.
My sister, a true daddies girl but is a lawyer in the city and works all hours as a distraction. She is single, doesn't have much responsibility and is also very affected by dads passing. She says she wants to help but gets very defensive when I ask her to help or do anything.
Sister and mother live 45 mins away from me for context.
Then it leaves me.i am married, have a good job that pays well and we recently bought a new house prior to my fathers death - poor timing and all that. My fathers estate is complex - own business, uk property, foreign property and various other assets. We are at the stage of receiving the grant of probate but the sheer magnitude of paperwork, data gathering and other things are just ridiculous. We have a solicitor and accountant but they still require me / mum / sister to make the calls / send letters however I feel like I am doing it all - no initiative from the other folk.
In terms of family support, no one is really there to help.
My wife has been great through all this but there appears to be some friction developing between my mum, sister and my wife around my time and who I should spend my time with. I feel that I can't just say 'I want to sit at home and do nothing'- people are constantly wanting my time. I just want to spend time with the wife or on my own some weekends to recharge....
I feel that I am at breaking point, I can't focus at work, need to keep an eye on dads business (luckily the management team are self sufficient), keep an eye on all things, trying to fit in everything is just really bringing me down. I am struggling to sleep, my wife feels that I am not myself (she knows why and she has been great) but I'm just feeling like I'm floating in a dream on autopilot. I went to my dads office at his house last week and just sat at his desk and cried for about 1 hour. I am a 34 year old man ffs. I need to man up. I know this is life and it's my duty as my dads son to look after my family but it's a strange one for me.
How should i best deal with my situation? Any advice appreciated and am a regular user but wanted to post this anon for some reason.
I can't help with the technicalities, but I will remind you taking some time out for yourself is as important and constructive as doing anything else.
Sit outside with a beer for an hour, leave the mobile inside and enjoy the peace. Go for a drive without a destination for an hour? It'll make you look at things differently. Also make sure you're getting a decent sleep whenever possible.
When asking for help, make it a specific task with clear instruction on what you need them to deliver to you.
Don't be afraid to lean on whoever is close to you for support. When people say "if there's anything I can do to help let me know", whilst you may think it's a pleasantry, many/most people genuinely mean it, and would sincerely like to help you where possible.
Sit outside with a beer for an hour, leave the mobile inside and enjoy the peace. Go for a drive without a destination for an hour? It'll make you look at things differently. Also make sure you're getting a decent sleep whenever possible.
When asking for help, make it a specific task with clear instruction on what you need them to deliver to you.
Don't be afraid to lean on whoever is close to you for support. When people say "if there's anything I can do to help let me know", whilst you may think it's a pleasantry, many/most people genuinely mean it, and would sincerely like to help you where possible.
Sorry for your loss. 
You're grieving too, and it must be very difficult juggling all of this on top of the emotional aspects.
I think you need to speak to them all together as I don't think your family, or you wife, from what you've said, aren't being very understanding.
Are you the executor of your dad's Will? If not, who is, as they should be doing this admin stuff, together with your dad's accountant?
Speak to the family members, please. Don't let it get on top of you.
Good luck!
You're grieving too, and it must be very difficult juggling all of this on top of the emotional aspects.
I think you need to speak to them all together as I don't think your family, or you wife, from what you've said, aren't being very understanding.
Are you the executor of your dad's Will? If not, who is, as they should be doing this admin stuff, together with your dad's accountant?
Speak to the family members, please. Don't let it get on top of you.
Good luck!
Edited by RC1807 on Tuesday 11th July 12:53
Pistonheads.user said:
I went to my dads office at his house last week and just sat at his desk and cried for about 1 hour. I am a 34 year old man ffs. I need to man up. I know this is life and it's my duty as my dads son to look after my family but it's a strange one for me.
I am afraid I have no real practical advice for you from experience I am afraid. However my gut says you need to knock this nonsense attitude on the head this instant!
You are grieving for your father and best friend, I know society expects a bloke to be all things to all men - but society is a jack ass. You've had a loss, and you are bending over backwards to help everyone, but no one is helping you. Beating yourself up about not being better will only make things worse, not better.
Its fine to need help and fine to admit it. There is zero 'manning up' required and frankly it sounds like you are stepping up to the plate magnificently all things considered.
You are being incredibly gentlemanly/chivalrous by trying to shield your mother and sister from the worst of the effects, but if we put the issue of 'manning up' and 'duty' to one side (and we should) - the time has come to just ask for help. No beating about the bush, just a direct request for help because you are struggling to cope.
It is not your duty as a man to look after the womenfolk. It is your collective duty as a family to look after each other.
You are doing yourself a great credit and You have been thinking of your mother and sister's needs at the expense of your own - however its not the 1950s and your family need to help look after your needs too - they are both grown adults. Especially your sister - her loss is no greater than yours. I know that reads pretty harshly - and obviously it isn't the time for harsh words or deeds - but a frank (though tactful obviously) conversation about how you really need her help may help
It sounds like you have done brilliantly so far - but do not beat yourself up about needing help.
No man is an island.
I'm sorry for your loss as I have a very similar relationship with my dad and I dread the inevitable day. But please, don't do this to yourself.
For what it's worth - given how you describe your and your family's relationship with him - he sounds like he was a good man.
Edited by Vocal Minority on Tuesday 11th July 12:52
Pistonheads.user said:
I went to my dads office at his house last week and just sat at his desk and cried for about 1 hour. I am a 34 year old man ffs. I need to man up.
No you don't need to man up. As you said, he was your best friend and your dad so you deal with it how you need to and not how you think people want you to. As has been suggested talk to someone like the Samaritans if you need to and don't bottle it up for your sake and everyone around you.I hope it gets easier for you and you get all the help you need physically, legally and emotionally.
Edited by Tycho on Tuesday 11th July 15:16
Sorry for you loss, try and think about all the great times you've had with your dad over the years. Those are the only things that matter really.
Perhaps speaking to your GP too might be a good option? Maybe take a long weekend and go camping with the wife or something? Things can wait until your return, probate etc can take months to sort out so four/five days won't matter in the grander scheme of things. Meanwhile the accountant and solicitor can earn their fees.
I lost my mum at 22, me and my sister cried for days. Don't prescribe to what an man is suppose to do, ie not show emotions, because that's complete bulls
t.
Perhaps speaking to your GP too might be a good option? Maybe take a long weekend and go camping with the wife or something? Things can wait until your return, probate etc can take months to sort out so four/five days won't matter in the grander scheme of things. Meanwhile the accountant and solicitor can earn their fees.
I lost my mum at 22, me and my sister cried for days. Don't prescribe to what an man is suppose to do, ie not show emotions, because that's complete bulls
t.Pistonheads.user said:
My wife has been great through all this but there appears to be some friction developing between my mum, sister and my wife around my time and who I should spend my time with. I feel that I can't just say 'I want to sit at home and do nothing'- people are constantly wanting my time. I just want to spend time with the wife or on my own some weekends to recharge....
As a general rule, always put your own family (wife and kids) before everyone else (parents, siblings). Sometimes easier said than done but do it anyway. Very sorry for your loss.
Indeed as others have said no need to "man up", you're grieving for the passing of your Dad so breaking down is all part of that process and not a problem. It can in fact really help.
I had a similar experience although it sounds a lot less complex than yours. I lost my Dad when he was 74 to the big C, my Mum was also totally dependent on him. The immediate aftermath was pretty tough and eventually I just decided that I needed to distance myself from it all for the sake of my own sanity. I nearly lost it with my brother over a number of issues and we ended up paying solicitors to do all the probate work even though my Dad's estate was pretty straightforward. I'm sure that could have been done by me or him quite easily without the need to line the solicitors pockets but in the end it was just easier.
After the funeral I did help my Mum with a few things, she'd somehow got things muddled up with the tax office doing something like declaring the annual payout from an annuity was actually the monthly and got herself on a negative tax code so hardly any money coming in. I drafted a letter to HMRC for her and ensured that was sorted.
In the longer term probably the best thing I did for her was to distance myself so she was forced to stand on her own two feet. It seems harsh at the time but she is coping now. I'm guessing my Aunt reached the same conclusion as she was taking my Mum shopping every week as she doesn't drive as well as ferrying her other places but suddenly decided she wasn't going to anymore so she had to use the bus or walk.
My brother only lives a few minutes away from her and I wondered if he'd step up but actually as she's spent most of her life pandering to him as he didn't move out until his thirties this relationship continues and she couldn't possibly disrupt his busy life to get him to take her to the shops. It's a funny old relationship but I'm happy for them to get on with it. I live on the other side of the country so can't be there at the drop of a hat because some domestic issue or whatever but even with that stuff she seems to cope now.
Upshot is that you have to give it time, it will seem pretty bad right now but in six months not so, and to learn when to step away / create some distance.
Indeed as others have said no need to "man up", you're grieving for the passing of your Dad so breaking down is all part of that process and not a problem. It can in fact really help.
I had a similar experience although it sounds a lot less complex than yours. I lost my Dad when he was 74 to the big C, my Mum was also totally dependent on him. The immediate aftermath was pretty tough and eventually I just decided that I needed to distance myself from it all for the sake of my own sanity. I nearly lost it with my brother over a number of issues and we ended up paying solicitors to do all the probate work even though my Dad's estate was pretty straightforward. I'm sure that could have been done by me or him quite easily without the need to line the solicitors pockets but in the end it was just easier.
After the funeral I did help my Mum with a few things, she'd somehow got things muddled up with the tax office doing something like declaring the annual payout from an annuity was actually the monthly and got herself on a negative tax code so hardly any money coming in. I drafted a letter to HMRC for her and ensured that was sorted.
In the longer term probably the best thing I did for her was to distance myself so she was forced to stand on her own two feet. It seems harsh at the time but she is coping now. I'm guessing my Aunt reached the same conclusion as she was taking my Mum shopping every week as she doesn't drive as well as ferrying her other places but suddenly decided she wasn't going to anymore so she had to use the bus or walk.
My brother only lives a few minutes away from her and I wondered if he'd step up but actually as she's spent most of her life pandering to him as he didn't move out until his thirties this relationship continues and she couldn't possibly disrupt his busy life to get him to take her to the shops. It's a funny old relationship but I'm happy for them to get on with it. I live on the other side of the country so can't be there at the drop of a hat because some domestic issue or whatever but even with that stuff she seems to cope now.
Upshot is that you have to give it time, it will seem pretty bad right now but in six months not so, and to learn when to step away / create some distance.
Vocal Minority said:
I am afraid I have no real practical advice for you from experience I am afraid.
However my gut says you need to knock this nonsense attitude on the head this instant!
You are grieving for your father and best friend, I know society expects a bloke to be all things to all men - but society is a jack ass. You've had a loss, and you are bending over backwards to help everyone, but no one is helping you. Beating yourself up about not being better will only make things worse, not better.
Its fine to need help and fine to admit it. There is zero 'manning up' required and frankly it sounds like you are stepping up to the plate magnificently all things considered.
You are being incredibly gentlemanly/chivalrous by trying to shield your mother and sister from the worst of the effects, but if we put the issue of 'manning up' and 'duty' to one side (and we should) - the time has come to just ask for help. No beating about the bush, just a direct request for help because you are struggling to cope.
It is not your duty as a man to look after the womenfolk. It is your collective duty as a family to look after each other.
You are doing yourself a great credit and You have been thinking of your mother and sister's needs at the expense of your own - however its not the 1950s and your family need to help look after your needs too - they are both grown adults. Especially your sister - her loss is no greater than yours. I know that reads pretty harshly - and obviously it isn't the time for harsh words or deeds - but a frank (though tactful obviously) conversation about how you really need her help may help
It sounds like you have done brilliantly so far - but do not beat yourself up about needing help.
No man is an island.
I'm sorry for your loss as I have a very similar relationship with my dad and I dread the inevitable day. But please, don't do this to yourself.
For what it's worth - given how you describe your and your family's relationship with him - he sounds like he was a good man.
Agree 100% with this. My wife lost her Mum a couple of years ago to the big C out of the blue. All I could do was be there for her when she needed me to be and do everything that I could to help her, but it affected me as well.However my gut says you need to knock this nonsense attitude on the head this instant!
You are grieving for your father and best friend, I know society expects a bloke to be all things to all men - but society is a jack ass. You've had a loss, and you are bending over backwards to help everyone, but no one is helping you. Beating yourself up about not being better will only make things worse, not better.
Its fine to need help and fine to admit it. There is zero 'manning up' required and frankly it sounds like you are stepping up to the plate magnificently all things considered.
You are being incredibly gentlemanly/chivalrous by trying to shield your mother and sister from the worst of the effects, but if we put the issue of 'manning up' and 'duty' to one side (and we should) - the time has come to just ask for help. No beating about the bush, just a direct request for help because you are struggling to cope.
It is not your duty as a man to look after the womenfolk. It is your collective duty as a family to look after each other.
You are doing yourself a great credit and You have been thinking of your mother and sister's needs at the expense of your own - however its not the 1950s and your family need to help look after your needs too - they are both grown adults. Especially your sister - her loss is no greater than yours. I know that reads pretty harshly - and obviously it isn't the time for harsh words or deeds - but a frank (though tactful obviously) conversation about how you really need her help may help
It sounds like you have done brilliantly so far - but do not beat yourself up about needing help.
No man is an island.
I'm sorry for your loss as I have a very similar relationship with my dad and I dread the inevitable day. But please, don't do this to yourself.
For what it's worth - given how you describe your and your family's relationship with him - he sounds like he was a good man.
Edited by Vocal Minority on Tuesday 11th July 12:52
Society has a lot to answer for with this antiquated and ridiculous notion of "manning up". Fortunately through campaigns such as #Itsoktotalk and magazines like Mantality we are starting to see a shift in these attitudes
Look after yourself and make sure that you get the help that you need! You have lost a massive part of your life and you are grieving as well.
I wish you all the best with everything that you have to deal with
Sorry for your loss.
Some excellent advise in all the above posts. My father passed away 18 months ago so I know it can be hard to get things in perspective.
I wrote a list of things that needed to be done and worked through them. If you haven't already done so contact
https://www.gov.uk/after-a-death/organisations-you...
It is a fantastic, and free, service the government offer and I found it took much of the paperwork out of what I thought I had to do.
It's absolutely OK to cry. You might find that it will take years to fully come to terms with your grief. Only last Saturday evening I was having a beer and broke down and cried for quite some time.
If you feel you can't cope certainly go to your GP and will help. It's important that when you realise you aren't coping that you get help. It's not a weakness.
I know at the moment you can't see the wood for the trees but It does actually get better.
All the best to you and your family.
Some excellent advise in all the above posts. My father passed away 18 months ago so I know it can be hard to get things in perspective.
I wrote a list of things that needed to be done and worked through them. If you haven't already done so contact
https://www.gov.uk/after-a-death/organisations-you...
It is a fantastic, and free, service the government offer and I found it took much of the paperwork out of what I thought I had to do.
It's absolutely OK to cry. You might find that it will take years to fully come to terms with your grief. Only last Saturday evening I was having a beer and broke down and cried for quite some time.
If you feel you can't cope certainly go to your GP and will help. It's important that when you realise you aren't coping that you get help. It's not a weakness.
I know at the moment you can't see the wood for the trees but It does actually get better.
All the best to you and your family.
Take a long weekend, with your wife, ignore everyone else, tell her you miss your Dad, and are upset about losing him.
Go somewhere nice, turn the phone off, have dinner together, relax and don't be rushing around for a couple of days.
Tell her she is the most important person in your life.
Then when you get home, tell the solicitor and the accountant to sort themselves out and do the job you are paying them for !
Sorry for your loss. I lost my dad when I was quite young, I was only 22. He 47.
My mother did of course find it too emotional to sort stuff out so I did it all.
Fortunately there wasn't a,lot to it, unlike your fathers. He had a long standing job which had pensions and some life insurance, all bank accounts were joint and our solicitor was a good friend of the family, so at least that part was helpful.
You do need some time to sort this all. Speak to the solicitor to find out exactly what they will do, and what they expect you to do and provide (documentation relating to the company for example). Make detailed notes and / or have the solicitor put this in writing.
Make a list of what you need to do.
Take a few days off work and sit down and do these things.
It is of course a very difficult time, but focus on getting the necessary things done
Do not worry about others if they won't help. Look after yourself and your family and last but not least, look after your Mum. Can you possibly stay with her for a few days whilst you do all these things?
All the best OP.
My mother did of course find it too emotional to sort stuff out so I did it all.
Fortunately there wasn't a,lot to it, unlike your fathers. He had a long standing job which had pensions and some life insurance, all bank accounts were joint and our solicitor was a good friend of the family, so at least that part was helpful.
You do need some time to sort this all. Speak to the solicitor to find out exactly what they will do, and what they expect you to do and provide (documentation relating to the company for example). Make detailed notes and / or have the solicitor put this in writing.
Make a list of what you need to do.
Take a few days off work and sit down and do these things.
It is of course a very difficult time, but focus on getting the necessary things done
Do not worry about others if they won't help. Look after yourself and your family and last but not least, look after your Mum. Can you possibly stay with her for a few days whilst you do all these things?
All the best OP.
sorry to hear been there done that not pleasant at all need to get some time to yourself chat to wife get lawyer appointed to deal with financial dealings-your sister could recommend one who is reliable most important factor
when my dad died brother got friend who was lawyer to sort it all out so made things much easier
you can get you GP to sign you off saying family bereavement for 2-4 weeks till you get head sorted
it will get better but takes time-remember your dad for all the good things you used to do together
when my dad died brother got friend who was lawyer to sort it all out so made things much easier
you can get you GP to sign you off saying family bereavement for 2-4 weeks till you get head sorted
it will get better but takes time-remember your dad for all the good things you used to do together
Not too much I can add - sorry for your loss though.
1. You are grieving. Getting busy with everything else just puts off your needs, and they'll come back to get you, just larger. Bills can and will wait.
2. As others have said, help yourself first. As they say in air safety, put on your own oxygen mask first, then help others.
3. Your wife/children must come first, after you. Talk to your wife, tell her that you're being torn apart by this and see if she can help you prioritise. She won't be quite so invested, so you may get a better (or at least alternative) perspective.
4. Your mum is an adult. She's brought up 2 kids, so she will find a way to cope - people do it all the time. Give her some simple tasks and don't stress if she mucks it up, just help her learn. Teach a man to fish etc...
5. Your sister is an adult. If you can, ask her to either help or don't, but stop pretending.
Come on hear and talk as much as you need, we're all here for you!
It sounds to me that the reason your mother and sister are sitting on their hands to some extent, is that you're now the 'head' of the family, and all decision-making now resides with you. Not a position I'd imagine that anyone expects to find themselves in at the age of 34, and I sympathise immensely.
I was 38 when my father died, and it hit hard. What got me through was to completely emotionally detach, and approach everything I needed to do as I would a project at work. That got me through the days when I couldn't focus to put one foot in front of the other. Sounds as though you're managing pretty well, although it may not feel as though you are.
Do try and eat properly, even though you might not feel like it and don't be tempted to skip any health checks. I was diagnosed with cancer four months after my father died (all better now thank God) but I'm convinced the stress of his death had something to do with it.
Plan some treats for yourself too as a respite. I find there's nothing like a track day and the prospect of tyre wall + fiery death to take my mind off the here and now.
Good luck and chin up.
I was 38 when my father died, and it hit hard. What got me through was to completely emotionally detach, and approach everything I needed to do as I would a project at work. That got me through the days when I couldn't focus to put one foot in front of the other. Sounds as though you're managing pretty well, although it may not feel as though you are.
Do try and eat properly, even though you might not feel like it and don't be tempted to skip any health checks. I was diagnosed with cancer four months after my father died (all better now thank God) but I'm convinced the stress of his death had something to do with it.
Plan some treats for yourself too as a respite. I find there's nothing like a track day and the prospect of tyre wall + fiery death to take my mind off the here and now.
Good luck and chin up.
sorry for your loss.
Take a step away from the emotion and write a list of all tasks and topics that need to be completed, don't try and solve everything in on ady / week, etc.
Break it down into mini - steps, don't overload your self, leave spare time for your family and put them to the number one priority.
Good luck with it all
Take a step away from the emotion and write a list of all tasks and topics that need to be completed, don't try and solve everything in on ady / week, etc.
Break it down into mini - steps, don't overload your self, leave spare time for your family and put them to the number one priority.
Good luck with it all
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