Wife's Parents Relationship Breakdown
Discussion
In two minds as to whether to post about this but it would be interesting to hear other views I suppose...
So on Monday I get a text from the wife saying that her Mum had just turned up at our place and has left her Dad. Not unusual you would think but they're both in their mid 70s and have been married for 49 years. She seems pretty serious on it wanting to get out and live somewhere else, their house to be put on the market and for them to go their separate ways but she's pretty naive when it comes to the process as I suggested the house would probably take a minimum of 6 months to sell and then they need solicitors to sort out who gets what etc. so several more months before it would all be final. She really doesn't understand what she'd do in the meantime, renting somewhere would really eat into their finances and I think the answer she's not wanting to hear is to stay put until a settlement can be reached.
It's a funny old relationship they have, probably should have divorced years ago but stayed together for the kids and beyond. The live under the same roof but sleep in separate rooms, I suspect the love went out of the relationship a long time ago but they do still have a companionship. They go on holidays together, go walking together, to the theatre, concerts etc. I get where she's coming from though as he's a difficult chap, very intelligent but almost child like in terms of the looking after he needs, will do DIY (badly) around the house but little of the day to day stuff though will cook. It's also the little quips and sarcasm she has to put up with plus being put down as an idiot quite a lot but they're both intelligent people, both were teachers until retirement. She suffers from depression which he is probably quite a large contributor to and did try to take her own life quite a few years ago (before I met my missus), it's being managed though through whatever happy pills she's getting. His health probably doesn't help either, recovered from a heart attack, quite significant digestive issues and now has bad back problems which I suspect is making him more grumpy than usual.
I get where she's coming from and part of me thinks yeah get divorced and at least the last 10-20 years of your life will be happier but on the other hand why upset the apple cart now instead just stick with it. It may all be one massive mistake and she'll figure out that actually they are both quite dependent on each other though him much more than her. Difficult situation to be in the middle of at any rate.
So on Monday I get a text from the wife saying that her Mum had just turned up at our place and has left her Dad. Not unusual you would think but they're both in their mid 70s and have been married for 49 years. She seems pretty serious on it wanting to get out and live somewhere else, their house to be put on the market and for them to go their separate ways but she's pretty naive when it comes to the process as I suggested the house would probably take a minimum of 6 months to sell and then they need solicitors to sort out who gets what etc. so several more months before it would all be final. She really doesn't understand what she'd do in the meantime, renting somewhere would really eat into their finances and I think the answer she's not wanting to hear is to stay put until a settlement can be reached.
It's a funny old relationship they have, probably should have divorced years ago but stayed together for the kids and beyond. The live under the same roof but sleep in separate rooms, I suspect the love went out of the relationship a long time ago but they do still have a companionship. They go on holidays together, go walking together, to the theatre, concerts etc. I get where she's coming from though as he's a difficult chap, very intelligent but almost child like in terms of the looking after he needs, will do DIY (badly) around the house but little of the day to day stuff though will cook. It's also the little quips and sarcasm she has to put up with plus being put down as an idiot quite a lot but they're both intelligent people, both were teachers until retirement. She suffers from depression which he is probably quite a large contributor to and did try to take her own life quite a few years ago (before I met my missus), it's being managed though through whatever happy pills she's getting. His health probably doesn't help either, recovered from a heart attack, quite significant digestive issues and now has bad back problems which I suspect is making him more grumpy than usual.
I get where she's coming from and part of me thinks yeah get divorced and at least the last 10-20 years of your life will be happier but on the other hand why upset the apple cart now instead just stick with it. It may all be one massive mistake and she'll figure out that actually they are both quite dependent on each other though him much more than her. Difficult situation to be in the middle of at any rate.
Don't envy you on this one. I think my parents could quite easily end up down this route (both edging towards 70)
Sounds like you're going to end up with her living with you and that may become an issue getting rid of her when it's all sorted.
She does need some formal advice though as they'll be all sorts of pension, finance and other issues to sort out (amicably hopefully)!
Sounds like you're going to end up with her living with you and that may become an issue getting rid of her when it's all sorted.
She does need some formal advice though as they'll be all sorts of pension, finance and other issues to sort out (amicably hopefully)!
mr_spock said:
They may have got stuck with a status quo that means they can't communicate. It sounds like it's worth a try with Relate, at least they can air their issues and see if there's some way forward.
This... They may find a new balance in living together. Or not. But nothing to lose.elanfan said:
Possibly angling to move in with you permanently??
That angle would be a worry to me. Especially if her Dad needs looking after. Lose all round. Avoid.Otherwise, they will be quite set in their ways by now, and no doubt still unwilling to take adult advice from their own child. The Relate suggestion isn't a bad one. But mostly I think they are going to do what they are going to do, so see point 1 above.
working in social housing, I deal with a large no of old folk who split up at very elderly ages.
sometimes it can be about another's mental health/disability and the other one not wanting to cope/deliver care.
A weird situation is the vast numbers of husband's wife's who split up and then spend their lives living in adjacent flats/bungalows. Basically conduct coupel functions but then go back I assume to their own houses.
sometimes it can be about another's mental health/disability and the other one not wanting to cope/deliver care.
A weird situation is the vast numbers of husband's wife's who split up and then spend their lives living in adjacent flats/bungalows. Basically conduct coupel functions but then go back I assume to their own houses.
Thanks for the helpful comments.
Bit of an update, her intention was to stay with us one night then to go to my wife's sister's for another night as they were due to be going there anyway so off she went on Tuesday morning. I did say that she's welcome at ours anytime and not to do anything rash. Sounds like she had an okay day at my wife's sister's but her sister doesn't really do the emotional or confrontational stuff so they just spent they day doing active things. Come Wednesday morning still at my sister-in-law's she's got up having not really slept and was in a right old state. They've got her an appointment with the GP this morning, her husband ended up collecting her and taking her home. Sounds like she may have stopped taking the antidepressants for a while but then got put back on them again recently but no one except her is really sure if she's been taking them or not. I suspect the medication has played a part in this episode but she's also had the clarity to realise the main thing that makes her pretty unhappy. Hopefully they can turn it around? Talking with the wife last night and it seems like she's probably borderline bi-polar with all the ups and downs that brings so that probably doesn't help.
We did both talk about marriage guidance counselling but my wife's wasn't really sure if her Mum would open up to them or not. No harm in trying though I guess.
It's how to change the long term habits I guess. One of the biggest annoyances is that her husband is a terrible insomniac and tends to have the radio on all night in his room listening to either sports commentary or some intellectual program on Radio 4 (not sure how this could possibly help with insomnia!). He gets up around 5:30am every morning but rather than going about his business and letting her sleep he'll take her a cup of tea which he thinks is a nice thing to do, then goes and sits in the dining room that's directly below her bedroom with the radio blaring out. He waits for her to get up to first make his breakfast and then go and get his paper from the shop. Aside from the fact that he could do both these things himself the early wakeup would also annoy the hell out of me. The night she stayed at ours she didn't wake up until nearly 8am. As I say he is pretty selfish in this respect but can it be changed after all this time?
I think she knows that moving in with us isn't really a long term option. We don't have the luxury of a spare bedroom so when she does stay over she shares my son's bedroom where we have a sofa bed. It's okay for a night or two but not really practical in the long term and would be unfair on my son as he needs his own space.
Oh well, see what happens over the next few days. Not a great situation though
Bit of an update, her intention was to stay with us one night then to go to my wife's sister's for another night as they were due to be going there anyway so off she went on Tuesday morning. I did say that she's welcome at ours anytime and not to do anything rash. Sounds like she had an okay day at my wife's sister's but her sister doesn't really do the emotional or confrontational stuff so they just spent they day doing active things. Come Wednesday morning still at my sister-in-law's she's got up having not really slept and was in a right old state. They've got her an appointment with the GP this morning, her husband ended up collecting her and taking her home. Sounds like she may have stopped taking the antidepressants for a while but then got put back on them again recently but no one except her is really sure if she's been taking them or not. I suspect the medication has played a part in this episode but she's also had the clarity to realise the main thing that makes her pretty unhappy. Hopefully they can turn it around? Talking with the wife last night and it seems like she's probably borderline bi-polar with all the ups and downs that brings so that probably doesn't help.
We did both talk about marriage guidance counselling but my wife's wasn't really sure if her Mum would open up to them or not. No harm in trying though I guess.
It's how to change the long term habits I guess. One of the biggest annoyances is that her husband is a terrible insomniac and tends to have the radio on all night in his room listening to either sports commentary or some intellectual program on Radio 4 (not sure how this could possibly help with insomnia!). He gets up around 5:30am every morning but rather than going about his business and letting her sleep he'll take her a cup of tea which he thinks is a nice thing to do, then goes and sits in the dining room that's directly below her bedroom with the radio blaring out. He waits for her to get up to first make his breakfast and then go and get his paper from the shop. Aside from the fact that he could do both these things himself the early wakeup would also annoy the hell out of me. The night she stayed at ours she didn't wake up until nearly 8am. As I say he is pretty selfish in this respect but can it be changed after all this time?
I think she knows that moving in with us isn't really a long term option. We don't have the luxury of a spare bedroom so when she does stay over she shares my son's bedroom where we have a sofa bed. It's okay for a night or two but not really practical in the long term and would be unfair on my son as he needs his own space.
Oh well, see what happens over the next few days. Not a great situation though
austinsmirk said:
A weird situation is the vast numbers of husband's wife's who split up and then spend their lives living in adjacent flats/bungalows. Basically conduct coupel functions but then go back I assume to their own houses.
This is more or less how they live anyway, mostly separate lives but under the same roof but I guess with that set up you can never truly escape it like the example I gave with the whole morning ritual. Maybe that's it, they should move into a retirement home and have an apartment each.AllHailToTheAle said:
T
It's how to change the long term habits I guess. One of the biggest annoyances is that her husband is a terrible insomniac and tends to have the radio on all night in his room listening to either sports commentary or some intellectual program on Radio 4 (not sure how this could possibly help with insomnia!). He gets up around 5:30am every morning but rather than going about his business and letting her sleep he'll take her a cup of tea which he thinks is a nice thing to do, then goes and sits in the dining room that's directly below her bedroom with the radio blaring out.
A nice pair of headphones as a gift?It's how to change the long term habits I guess. One of the biggest annoyances is that her husband is a terrible insomniac and tends to have the radio on all night in his room listening to either sports commentary or some intellectual program on Radio 4 (not sure how this could possibly help with insomnia!). He gets up around 5:30am every morning but rather than going about his business and letting her sleep he'll take her a cup of tea which he thinks is a nice thing to do, then goes and sits in the dining room that's directly below her bedroom with the radio blaring out.
elanfan said:
Possibly angling to move in with you permanently??
That's the first thing that came to my mind when I started reading about her potential future living arrangementsAvoid that situation at all costs
AllHailToTheAle said:
It's how to change the long term habits I guess. One of the biggest annoyances is that her husband is a terrible insomniac and tends to have the radio on all night in his room listening to either sports commentary or some intellectual program on Radio 4 (not sure how this could possibly help with insomnia!). He gets up around 5:30am every morning but rather than going about his business and letting her sleep he'll take her a cup of tea which he thinks is a nice thing to do, then goes and sits in the dining room that's directly below her bedroom with the radio blaring out. He waits for her to get up to first make his breakfast and then go and get his paper from the shop. Aside from the fact that he could do both these things himself the early wakeup would also annoy the hell out of me. The night she stayed at ours she didn't wake up until nearly 8am. As I say he is pretty selfish in this respect but can it be changed after all this time?
Wireless headphones would be appropriate I think. If he won't wear them that's another matter entirely - clearly just a difficult old codger, how best to proceed with that is not easy, obviouslyEdited by FN2TypeR on Thursday 20th July 10:32
My wife's parents split up last year, both in their 60's, and by the sounds of it under very similar circumstances to your own.
They're now both living in their own separate downsized homes and apparently happier for it. Sure, neither of them are as financially well off as they were together but they do appear to have improved their lives somewhat.
Think she wishes she'd done it years ago. Came as a bit of a shock to him though.
They're now both living in their own separate downsized homes and apparently happier for it. Sure, neither of them are as financially well off as they were together but they do appear to have improved their lives somewhat.
Think she wishes she'd done it years ago. Came as a bit of a shock to him though.
AllHailToTheAle said:
One of the biggest annoyances is that her husband is a terrible insomniac and tends to have the radio on all night in his room listening to either sports commentary or some intellectual program on Radio 4 (not sure how this could possibly help with insomnia!).
He's not doing it to "help" insomnia. He's doing it because sitting up listening to the radio is preferable to lying in bed staring at the ceiling.AllHailToTheAle said:
He gets up around 5:30am every morning but rather than going about his business and letting her sleep he'll take her a cup of tea which he thinks is a nice thing to do, then goes and sits in the dining room that's directly below her bedroom with the radio blaring out. He waits for her to get up to first make his breakfast and then go and get his paper from the shop.
He's lonely, he's had s
t night, he wants company. Trouble is, he's playing a game of control instead of discussing the issue.He doesn't deserve scorn for this behaviour. I don't think his driver is to annoy her. Not more likely it's because he feels uncomfortable in his own company?
AllHailToTheAle said:
Aside from the fact that he could do both these things himself the early wakeup would also annoy the hell out of me. The night she stayed at ours she didn't wake up until nearly 8am. As I say he is pretty selfish in this respect but can it be changed after all this time?
The difference is you would (presumably) explain your frustration, your partner would explain her needs and you'd find an arrangement.If they are prepared to talk frankly and listen with empathy then change is the easy bit.
Edited by Kiltie on Thursday 20th July 11:39
AllHailToTheAle said:
One of the biggest annoyances is that her husband is a terrible insomniac and tends to have the radio on all night in his room listening to either sports commentary or some intellectual program on Radio 4 (not sure how this could possibly help with insomnia!). He gets up around 5:30am every morning but rather than going about his business and letting her sleep he'll take her a cup of tea which he thinks is a nice thing to do, then goes and sits in the dining room that's directly below her bedroom with the radio blaring out. He waits for her to get up to first make his breakfast and then go and get his paper from the shop. Aside from the fact that he could do both these things himself the early wakeup would also annoy the hell out of me. The night she stayed at ours she didn't wake up until nearly 8am. As I say he is pretty selfish in this respect but can it be changed after all this time?
Would it not be a good idea for her to just ask him to stop bringing her a cup of tea at 5:30am and then listening to the radio loudly beneath her room? 
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