Am I being a spoilt brat here, or do I have a point?
Discussion
Earlier this year, my mum gave me and my other half some cash towards a deposit for our first home together. It was hugely generous of her and even though it is, in fact, a loan and we will pay it back, she's been very easy going and is letting us do this in our own time as she has no direct need for the cash.
We bought a home in May, planned the work we'd like to do to it, and set about using what we already had saved for the first bit and then saving up and doing things as we could for the rest.
Around this time I was also offered a new job which I have accepted and will start in mid-August at the end of my 3-month notice period. There's a decent pay jump so it's going to help hugely.
In June, my mum then said she'd like me to come with her to California to visit her father who is now in his 70s. She fears it will be the last time she ever sees him, and as I haven't seen him in almost 15 years, she wants me and my brother to join her. I explained I really can't afford it, so she paid for flights in October for all of us to go.
The issue now is that I need spending money. Hotels, car hire, meals... all the usual holiday stuff. I don't want to be a spoilt mooch about this, but it's causing a strain on us. We've just moved home, we still have things to do, I'll have just started a new job and the commission (making up a decent chunk of salary) is paid 2 months in arrears and won't have started yet... And honestly, a holiday is the last thing we need to be paying for.
I voiced this to my mum and her response was "oh, just put it on a credit card and worry about it later. You only live once. This is family etc etc"
I couldn't disagree more, unfortunately. Yes, I only live once and it's family, but I'm doing this trip for HER. I never wanted to go and visit him and as harsh as that sounds, I don't "know" him - He's lived there all my life and I've never had a grandson-grandfather relationship with him, I've had that with my mum's step dad instead.
Am I being a hugely spoilt brat about this? Complaining about being given money for a new house and then flights to California because they're in the same year?
I don't know what I'm looking for here. My mum has been hugely generous, but it's actually causing me a lot of worry. It's also put a bit of a stress on my other half who isn't coming with, and while he obviously benefits from the house, he's got to wait even longer for us to be able to do the bits to it that we want to and is living a "beans-on-toast" lifestyle while we save for MY holiday.
Maybe I just needed to get it off my chest.
We bought a home in May, planned the work we'd like to do to it, and set about using what we already had saved for the first bit and then saving up and doing things as we could for the rest.
Around this time I was also offered a new job which I have accepted and will start in mid-August at the end of my 3-month notice period. There's a decent pay jump so it's going to help hugely.
In June, my mum then said she'd like me to come with her to California to visit her father who is now in his 70s. She fears it will be the last time she ever sees him, and as I haven't seen him in almost 15 years, she wants me and my brother to join her. I explained I really can't afford it, so she paid for flights in October for all of us to go.
The issue now is that I need spending money. Hotels, car hire, meals... all the usual holiday stuff. I don't want to be a spoilt mooch about this, but it's causing a strain on us. We've just moved home, we still have things to do, I'll have just started a new job and the commission (making up a decent chunk of salary) is paid 2 months in arrears and won't have started yet... And honestly, a holiday is the last thing we need to be paying for.
I voiced this to my mum and her response was "oh, just put it on a credit card and worry about it later. You only live once. This is family etc etc"
I couldn't disagree more, unfortunately. Yes, I only live once and it's family, but I'm doing this trip for HER. I never wanted to go and visit him and as harsh as that sounds, I don't "know" him - He's lived there all my life and I've never had a grandson-grandfather relationship with him, I've had that with my mum's step dad instead.
Am I being a hugely spoilt brat about this? Complaining about being given money for a new house and then flights to California because they're in the same year?
I don't know what I'm looking for here. My mum has been hugely generous, but it's actually causing me a lot of worry. It's also put a bit of a stress on my other half who isn't coming with, and while he obviously benefits from the house, he's got to wait even longer for us to be able to do the bits to it that we want to and is living a "beans-on-toast" lifestyle while we save for MY holiday.
Maybe I just needed to get it off my chest.
As you say, you're doing it for her. Be nice - it's not often we get the opportunity to do something meaningful to someone we love.
Go along, be as careful with money as possible and accept the new kitchen/whatever will be a few months later than you'd originally planned. And be grateful to your Mum.
Go along, be as careful with money as possible and accept the new kitchen/whatever will be a few months later than you'd originally planned. And be grateful to your Mum.
If it causes a rift between you and your mother, you will regret it eventually, especially if its saving for home improvements.
The key thing is that she is afraid its the last time she will ever see her father. It is emotional and stressful - and she wants the two people she loves the most, her kids, there for support.
I understand its stressful when you have plans, and you've got it costed out - but even if its a bit of a delay, its for family. Your mother will have made a lot of sacrifices for you over the years.
Cut your cloth accordingly whilst you are over there- don't put money first and your mother second.
The key thing is that she is afraid its the last time she will ever see her father. It is emotional and stressful - and she wants the two people she loves the most, her kids, there for support.
I understand its stressful when you have plans, and you've got it costed out - but even if its a bit of a delay, its for family. Your mother will have made a lot of sacrifices for you over the years.
Cut your cloth accordingly whilst you are over there- don't put money first and your mother second.
stay in cheapest hotels/motels (you can pick up 'coupon books' for cheap hotels and restaurant offers in supermarkets and tourist attractions, and of course hotel/motels)
eating out in america is ridiculously cheap.
honestly, if your flights are already paid this isn't going to cost you a whole bunch of money.
eating out in america is ridiculously cheap.
honestly, if your flights are already paid this isn't going to cost you a whole bunch of money.
Just go, keep your mouth shut about money whilst there. It will just cause arguments which you don't want 5000 miles from home trust me.
Your mum clearly sees this as saying goodbye to her dad so just go and pack your stuff upper lip.
Once you are back if the money is really a problem from the sounds of it she would probably help you.
Your mum clearly sees this as saying goodbye to her dad so just go and pack your stuff upper lip.
Once you are back if the money is really a problem from the sounds of it she would probably help you.
I don't understand the problem.
Your flights are already paid for, and you say you're going to visit your grandfather, so why would you be staying in hotels rather than with your grandfather anyway?
Why do you need a hire car? If your grandfather is only 70, I assume he still drives, so can't he ferry you to/from the airport?
Why do you have to eat out? Doesn't your grandfather have a kitchen?
Bottom line, why do you have to incur "all the usual holiday expenses" when you're going to visit a family member?
Your flights are already paid for, and you say you're going to visit your grandfather, so why would you be staying in hotels rather than with your grandfather anyway?
Why do you need a hire car? If your grandfather is only 70, I assume he still drives, so can't he ferry you to/from the airport?
Why do you have to eat out? Doesn't your grandfather have a kitchen?
Bottom line, why do you have to incur "all the usual holiday expenses" when you're going to visit a family member?
Kermit power said:
I don't understand the problem.
Your flights are already paid for, and you say you're going to visit your grandfather, so why would you be staying in hotels rather than with your grandfather anyway?
Why do you need a hire car? If your grandfather is only 70, I assume he still drives, so can't he ferry you to/from the airport?
Why do you have to eat out? Doesn't your grandfather have a kitchen?
Bottom line, why do you have to incur "all the usual holiday expenses" when you're going to visit a family member?
I summarised, but essentially we're going to LA for 'a few nights' and then going up to San Fransico where he lives. My mum and grandad want to see the sights with us in LA for a few days. Also my grandad still works, so he'll be at work in the day and we'll be filling time ourselves. He'll be picking us up from the airport, but my mum wants us to hire a car in SF so we can 'drive out and do things' (he words, not mine) - I also know what my mum is like and we won't be eating at my grandad's house - She/he will insist on eating out and doing things while we're there. Your flights are already paid for, and you say you're going to visit your grandfather, so why would you be staying in hotels rather than with your grandfather anyway?
Why do you need a hire car? If your grandfather is only 70, I assume he still drives, so can't he ferry you to/from the airport?
Why do you have to eat out? Doesn't your grandfather have a kitchen?
Bottom line, why do you have to incur "all the usual holiday expenses" when you're going to visit a family member?
She's given you a lot, not just financially in recent times but i'm sure countless sacrifices over the course of your childhood. Go on the trip, support her on one of the rare occasions she asks for something back and maybe even buy her dinner to say thanks for everything she's done for you.
S100HP said:
As above. Don't be a dick. She'll probably help you whilst you're there anyway.
Probably, yes, but I don't want to have to count on that. I'm also worried about ruining 'her' trip by not having money to do the things she'll want to do when we're there.Anyway, I think most of the replies are unanimous that I just have to suck it up so I'll probably have to find a credit card for the trip.
The fact you are worried and stressed is making this a bigger problem in your mind than it really is. You will probably find your Mum and grandfather being pretty generous without you needing to ask.
There's plenty of 0% deals out there on cards at the moment - make sure you keep your wits about you on your repayments and it wont kill your working capital stone dead - and you'll be back in salary-land by then anyway, which will ease the pain.
Small comfort now, but you'll get out there and you'll realise it's manageable and relax.
Just don't let money win if its your family....seriously.
There's plenty of 0% deals out there on cards at the moment - make sure you keep your wits about you on your repayments and it wont kill your working capital stone dead - and you'll be back in salary-land by then anyway, which will ease the pain.
Small comfort now, but you'll get out there and you'll realise it's manageable and relax.
Just don't let money win if its your family....seriously.
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