Crap friends...
Discussion
Is it just me? (Cue onslaught of 'U OK Hun? Xx' etc...)
I'm not the life and soul of the party but get on alright with most people socially in low-Key situations. But I just can't seem to make and keep decent friends... admittedly having relocated back to my childhood home 6 months ago hasn't helped however I always find with friendships it's 100% me that has to make all of the running, in the last few weeks particularly if I hadn't specifically contacted people I would have spoken to nobody!
Getting back into lots of activities but again, it just seems like I meet people at the club runs, etc and then nothing... hardly have any 'pop down the pub' mates really.
Added to this I've had the 'let's just be friends' chat from a promising potential new partner this week and an old friend who I've been supporting through a messy breakup has been spectacularly crap even by his standards, cancelling a pint on me to play skittles when I'd changed my plans twice to specifically help him out with a shoulder to cry on...
Is it an age thing? I'm 38 and people do seem to have a lot going on at home. Maybe I'm just out of the loop. Answers on a postcard.
I'm not the life and soul of the party but get on alright with most people socially in low-Key situations. But I just can't seem to make and keep decent friends... admittedly having relocated back to my childhood home 6 months ago hasn't helped however I always find with friendships it's 100% me that has to make all of the running, in the last few weeks particularly if I hadn't specifically contacted people I would have spoken to nobody!
Getting back into lots of activities but again, it just seems like I meet people at the club runs, etc and then nothing... hardly have any 'pop down the pub' mates really.
Added to this I've had the 'let's just be friends' chat from a promising potential new partner this week and an old friend who I've been supporting through a messy breakup has been spectacularly crap even by his standards, cancelling a pint on me to play skittles when I'd changed my plans twice to specifically help him out with a shoulder to cry on...
Is it an age thing? I'm 38 and people do seem to have a lot going on at home. Maybe I'm just out of the loop. Answers on a postcard.
I live away and haven't made any real friends in years, all mine are those I went to school with and we have all known each other 10-20 years, don't speak that often but always know they are there if required.
Maybe 2 or 3 people I have met in the past 5-7 years have really become friends.
Maybe 2 or 3 people I have met in the past 5-7 years have really become friends.
Sorry to point this out but most people your age will have partners/wives/husbands/kids to deal with, I have a VERY small social circle, mainly by choice, but partly because my wife is not great at socialising with people she doesn't know. Try getting yourself involved in some clubs/dating sites, don't take stuff personally and don't be afraid to go to a pub by yourself, you'll be surprised at the amount of others that do!!
In my opinion friendship is only about 25% compatibility and 75% effort.
If I had had a stab at predicting which school and university friends I'd still be in touch with at 44 I'd have got it very wrong; it's the ones who put the effort in to organising things, even basic stuff like responding to emails trying to organise things I'm still in touch with.
One or two that I thought I'd be very close to for life I haven't seen for years just because they are so sodding flaky.
You're also at the age where an awful lot of them have disappeared into wife/children black holes, only to be seen again at weddings, christenings and eventually funerals.
If I had had a stab at predicting which school and university friends I'd still be in touch with at 44 I'd have got it very wrong; it's the ones who put the effort in to organising things, even basic stuff like responding to emails trying to organise things I'm still in touch with.
One or two that I thought I'd be very close to for life I haven't seen for years just because they are so sodding flaky.
You're also at the age where an awful lot of them have disappeared into wife/children black holes, only to be seen again at weddings, christenings and eventually funerals.
At 25 i moved 200 miles away from home.
At 41 i have 4 people where i live that i would call friends and of them only 2 i would talk to for advice and so on. I have also made a few friends about the UK.
I still have most of the friends that i had when i moved away but some friendships are weaker, and others surprisingly stronger.
I have never had any issue in finding company if i want it but just don't feel the need as i have more friends than i can find the time to keep in touch with and don't want to be the 'flakey' one.
If i were single i would likely be out more than i am and would actively seak more new friends but i am not and i am not!
At 41 i have 4 people where i live that i would call friends and of them only 2 i would talk to for advice and so on. I have also made a few friends about the UK.
I still have most of the friends that i had when i moved away but some friendships are weaker, and others surprisingly stronger.
I have never had any issue in finding company if i want it but just don't feel the need as i have more friends than i can find the time to keep in touch with and don't want to be the 'flakey' one.
If i were single i would likely be out more than i am and would actively seak more new friends but i am not and i am not!
I was invited to take part in a "secret shopper" type thing at a local restaurant a few weeks ago, £100 credit, spend it on whatever you like, the only stipulation being that I had to go with a group of at least 3 people and it had to be a mix of males and females.
Despite having two weeks to sort this I couldn't find 2 other people to go with me, not even my wife because we couldn't get a sitter for my daughter (no family anywhere around here).
So no OP, it's not just you - that said I'm a s
te friend and usually pull out last minute due to my social anxiety so it wasn't entirely unexpected. Johnnytheboy said:
Bobberoo99 said:
I have a VERY small social circle, mainly by choice, but partly because my wife is not great at socialising with people she doesn't know. Try getting yourself involved in some clubs/dating sites...
How is that working for you? Wife not mind?
she's a very understanding lady!!!! 
If it is any help i have just had to apologise for not going to a 40th party that i have been invited to because i have to work early the next morning 100 miles away from the venue and the Venue is 200 miles form my home.
But that's not the important part. My mate knew that i would be highly unlikely to be able to make it but the fact that they asked was and is far more important to me.
But that's not the important part. My mate knew that i would be highly unlikely to be able to make it but the fact that they asked was and is far more important to me.
carreauchompeur said:
I always find with friendships it's 100% me that has to make all of the running, in the last few weeks particularly if I hadn't specifically contacted people I would have spoken to nobody!
Probably a combo of other people having busy lives and, sorry to say it, you coming across as a bit needy IMO. If you're the one constantly arranging something with someone, how do you think they see you? Busy and interesting or lonely and keen to meet all the time?
Throughout your whole life, friends are made up of people with whom you have something in common. It starts with school friends, and progresses to uni friends, work friends and so on.
As we get older, settle down, and begin to dig in to await the tap on the shoulder from the man with the scythe, other distractions enter our lives and the tenuous links you once had to those people begin to feel the strain.
I used to live in a small village, and I knew that whenever I went to my local pub, there'd be at least one friend in there to talk to. It was great, but in hindsight, I know that the only thing we had in common was enjoying beer. It may have been enough, but now that I live elsewhere, I haven't kept in contact with any of them, and wouldn't really have wanted to.
I was very close to my best mate in my twenties. We spent a lot of time together, despite both being in relationships (Ie, the wives didn't scupper the friendship). I moved away to London, then abroad, and then back to the UK again. Since I moved away, I've seen him once. That's in 25 years. We had been close, but what we had in common was convenience, familiar surroundings and shared experiences. Relocate the friendship, and the dynamic is wrong.
Friendships are built, initially, on shared experience. As we get older and accumulate more and more experiences, it's the lack of shared experience that makes it harder to find new friends.
Local pub, local hobby or sports club, local Round Table and the like are all ways to find a group with which to mix; to gain some shared experiences over which to bond; to gain introductions to a wider social circle, and potentially to build some deeper friendships with some of the people you meet. The value of "Its OK, he's one of us." shouldn't be underestimated.
As we get older, settle down, and begin to dig in to await the tap on the shoulder from the man with the scythe, other distractions enter our lives and the tenuous links you once had to those people begin to feel the strain.
I used to live in a small village, and I knew that whenever I went to my local pub, there'd be at least one friend in there to talk to. It was great, but in hindsight, I know that the only thing we had in common was enjoying beer. It may have been enough, but now that I live elsewhere, I haven't kept in contact with any of them, and wouldn't really have wanted to.
I was very close to my best mate in my twenties. We spent a lot of time together, despite both being in relationships (Ie, the wives didn't scupper the friendship). I moved away to London, then abroad, and then back to the UK again. Since I moved away, I've seen him once. That's in 25 years. We had been close, but what we had in common was convenience, familiar surroundings and shared experiences. Relocate the friendship, and the dynamic is wrong.
Friendships are built, initially, on shared experience. As we get older and accumulate more and more experiences, it's the lack of shared experience that makes it harder to find new friends.
Local pub, local hobby or sports club, local Round Table and the like are all ways to find a group with which to mix; to gain some shared experiences over which to bond; to gain introductions to a wider social circle, and potentially to build some deeper friendships with some of the people you meet. The value of "Its OK, he's one of us." shouldn't be underestimated.
I'm finding that as i get older i have different types of friends and interests.
People also do not have money like they used to either.
Catching up with my friends now is based on sports and activities - cycling, running, rugby etc. it's no longer standing in a pub getting boozed up. Oddly based on this my friends and interests have changed. We are all short on time nowadays.
People also do not have money like they used to either.
Catching up with my friends now is based on sports and activities - cycling, running, rugby etc. it's no longer standing in a pub getting boozed up. Oddly based on this my friends and interests have changed. We are all short on time nowadays.
Some interesting stuff coming across here. Clearly this is a self-selecting group and all but there are some common threads.
I suppose it's horses for courses. I'm never going to be a social butterfly with a huge group of friends attending glitzy parties and the like, but a little bit more on the social side would be great, odd pint etc. Geography does intervene somewhat and I'm paying the price of a few years of very independent life, travel etc...
I suppose it's horses for courses. I'm never going to be a social butterfly with a huge group of friends attending glitzy parties and the like, but a little bit more on the social side would be great, odd pint etc. Geography does intervene somewhat and I'm paying the price of a few years of very independent life, travel etc...
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