Fecking Christmas, Visiting Family, etc.
Discussion
It's that time of year again when we need to start planning visits to our "loved ones" and so on.
And so to my mother. She lives on her own, doesn't drive, wouldn't get on public transport to go anywhere further than the supermarket, she does have my brother nearby but he always "works" over the Christmas week so would be far too busy to take her anywhere so we have to make the 340 mile round trip to see her. This I really don't mind but what I do mind is whatever the hidden agenda that's going on between her and my wife is. My wife is essentially convinced that the whole time we're there that my Mum really doesn't want us there, she also seems to spend the whole time frustrated that we're not out doing something, convinced the kids are suffering as a result and so on. She doesn't seem to want to fit in with my Mum's routine which I think is unfair as we're the ones visiting. My Mum's in her late 70s, doesn't get up early which seems to offend my missus as our kids are usually up by 7am and then takes quite a while before she is ready to leave the house. It might be frustrating but I don't know why my missus can't just fit in with things for a day or two.
My Mum's a bit of a difficult one to figure out too, for years when I was single I'd always get the "you going to settle down with someone and give me some grand kids", now she's got some she hardly seems to care less, it can go weeks between phone calls and even when we do speak it's usually just about whatever issue she's preoccupied with or the weather, usually asking how the kids are almost as an after thought. Perhaps the timing of our kids coming along wasn't the greatest as we lost my Dad to cancer a few months before my eldest turned 1. I now realise that my Dad was the driving force for keeping our family together and responsible for the weekly phone calls that my wife always found odd, her relationship with her parents has always been strained though has changed a lot since the kids arrived. I suspect if my Dad were still alive today we'd be seeing a lot more of my parents. At the moment it's down to about twice a year
So in the car yesterday the conversation got round to it and what we're we going to do about seeing my Mum. My wife is set on this idea that we visit my Mum just for the day using her parents as a departure and return point which really doesn't do that much for the journey knocking about ~115 miles off it. She also has decided that we should all go out for lunch so my Mum doesn't have to do anything, this isn't a bad idea, but it would make the whole day quite busy and I'm not really sure where exchanging presents, specifically the kids ones, is really going to fit in. If we did stay overnight I could see it working but my wife is dead set against this. Not really sure how my brother's going to fit in with all this either as he'll want to see us while we're there and have presents for the kids too.
I really don't know what to do for the best as I don't want to offend my Mum but on the other hand I can't deal with the wife behaving like some sort of spoilt child the whole time we're there. As an example last year was a nightmare, we arrived fairly early to which my Mum said something along the lines of "oh you're early, wasn't expecting you yet" to which I just read as her suggesting we made good time on the motorway by my missus interpreted as we're not welcome yet and then insisted that we took the kids down the park until such time as my Mum was ready for us. I was almost ready to turn round an go home again at this point and was holding back tears. Before all this boll*cks I'd always considered my Mum's house to be open to me/us anytime we turned up, we'd just arrive, have a cup of tea and get on with it.
I did suggest that maybe I take the kids down to my Mum's for an overnighter and leave her at home which I largely expected her to respond with a don't be so stupid type comment but she actually didn't reject the idea. Whilst an option I think my Mum would find it pretty weird me turning up there without her, would ask lots of questions and would be damn right rude on my wife's part.
I'm getting very stressed about all this already but I'm largely tempted to say f*ck it all and just not bother at all. Really not sure where that would leave my relationship with my Mum. I hate it
Sorry about the long rant, I'm all ears as to how to diffuse things?
And so to my mother. She lives on her own, doesn't drive, wouldn't get on public transport to go anywhere further than the supermarket, she does have my brother nearby but he always "works" over the Christmas week so would be far too busy to take her anywhere so we have to make the 340 mile round trip to see her. This I really don't mind but what I do mind is whatever the hidden agenda that's going on between her and my wife is. My wife is essentially convinced that the whole time we're there that my Mum really doesn't want us there, she also seems to spend the whole time frustrated that we're not out doing something, convinced the kids are suffering as a result and so on. She doesn't seem to want to fit in with my Mum's routine which I think is unfair as we're the ones visiting. My Mum's in her late 70s, doesn't get up early which seems to offend my missus as our kids are usually up by 7am and then takes quite a while before she is ready to leave the house. It might be frustrating but I don't know why my missus can't just fit in with things for a day or two.
My Mum's a bit of a difficult one to figure out too, for years when I was single I'd always get the "you going to settle down with someone and give me some grand kids", now she's got some she hardly seems to care less, it can go weeks between phone calls and even when we do speak it's usually just about whatever issue she's preoccupied with or the weather, usually asking how the kids are almost as an after thought. Perhaps the timing of our kids coming along wasn't the greatest as we lost my Dad to cancer a few months before my eldest turned 1. I now realise that my Dad was the driving force for keeping our family together and responsible for the weekly phone calls that my wife always found odd, her relationship with her parents has always been strained though has changed a lot since the kids arrived. I suspect if my Dad were still alive today we'd be seeing a lot more of my parents. At the moment it's down to about twice a year
So in the car yesterday the conversation got round to it and what we're we going to do about seeing my Mum. My wife is set on this idea that we visit my Mum just for the day using her parents as a departure and return point which really doesn't do that much for the journey knocking about ~115 miles off it. She also has decided that we should all go out for lunch so my Mum doesn't have to do anything, this isn't a bad idea, but it would make the whole day quite busy and I'm not really sure where exchanging presents, specifically the kids ones, is really going to fit in. If we did stay overnight I could see it working but my wife is dead set against this. Not really sure how my brother's going to fit in with all this either as he'll want to see us while we're there and have presents for the kids too.
I really don't know what to do for the best as I don't want to offend my Mum but on the other hand I can't deal with the wife behaving like some sort of spoilt child the whole time we're there. As an example last year was a nightmare, we arrived fairly early to which my Mum said something along the lines of "oh you're early, wasn't expecting you yet" to which I just read as her suggesting we made good time on the motorway by my missus interpreted as we're not welcome yet and then insisted that we took the kids down the park until such time as my Mum was ready for us. I was almost ready to turn round an go home again at this point and was holding back tears. Before all this boll*cks I'd always considered my Mum's house to be open to me/us anytime we turned up, we'd just arrive, have a cup of tea and get on with it.
I did suggest that maybe I take the kids down to my Mum's for an overnighter and leave her at home which I largely expected her to respond with a don't be so stupid type comment but she actually didn't reject the idea. Whilst an option I think my Mum would find it pretty weird me turning up there without her, would ask lots of questions and would be damn right rude on my wife's part.
I'm getting very stressed about all this already but I'm largely tempted to say f*ck it all and just not bother at all. Really not sure where that would leave my relationship with my Mum. I hate it
Sorry about the long rant, I'm all ears as to how to diffuse things?
Edited by AllHailToTheAle on Monday 13th November 17:24
I've got the SILs coming for Xmas (Wife's Sister and her Wife), they live in NYC but they're here from the 21st to the 31st.
I like them just fine, I get a bit miffed they adore my Son and almost ignore my Daughter, but she was born after they moved over there so they don't know her nearly as much.
But 10 days! They're sleeping in a hotel, but it's just down the the road but I guess they'll be hanging out at ours.
Another annoyance - we're having the entire set of Inlaws over for Xmas Eve, (dozens of them) SILS and FIL over for Xmas Day... "so, when are we going to visit my parents" (they live abroad too, but keep a place here" "Boxing Day" - the only day my Wife is work that week.
Anyway, good will to all men eh...
I like them just fine, I get a bit miffed they adore my Son and almost ignore my Daughter, but she was born after they moved over there so they don't know her nearly as much.
But 10 days! They're sleeping in a hotel, but it's just down the the road but I guess they'll be hanging out at ours.
Another annoyance - we're having the entire set of Inlaws over for Xmas Eve, (dozens of them) SILS and FIL over for Xmas Day... "so, when are we going to visit my parents" (they live abroad too, but keep a place here" "Boxing Day" - the only day my Wife is work that week.
Anyway, good will to all men eh...
alorotom said:
Have you been this honest with your Mrs?? If not I suggest telling her the position you’re in and the balance act is ludicrous
Believe me we've had many long conversations about this but I just can't change her perception, this year she thinks she has the solution and doesn't want to hear otherwise. I just couldn't jeopardize my relationship with her over my Mum, I think I have realised over the years that we were never really that close and it's my Dad that I had the strongest relationship with. 
I hear of so many family horror stories around Christmas time, it just seems such a ball-ache, one guy I worked with would spend Christmas lunch with his parents, his wife spent it with hers and then he'd drive across the country to the in-laws for the evening, stay over and then drive home on boxing day ready for work on the 27th, FFS he had 2 days off and those 2 days are spent please everyone else and driving all over England.
My current colleague, his wife always wants to spend it with her sister, so they have to drag their 3 kids over there, they don't want to go and they have a crap and stressed Christmas, especially as him and his wife hate each other.
I count myself and the wife very lucky when it comes to family, we aren't pressured to do anything, we can do what we want with whomever we want and there are no guilt trips, last year my mum and MIL were with us, as was the eldest and the grandson and of course my youngest, we had a great time and then friends over in the evening.
This year I've suggested to my sister she has mum as we had her last year, sister is fine with that and hopefully the BIL will have MIL, but he may need a bit of coercion; if she comes to us then she comes to us, however she won't be driving as she will have had a major op in the days leading up to Christmas; no great shakes as she only lives 10 minutes away, the youngest doesn't drink so she'll do the honours. If she does go to the BIL then it'll just be myself, the wife and youngest (and of course the dogs), for lunch and then we have the eldest, her boyfriend, grandson and a friend and her son from up the road, over in the evening, all chilled and everyone is happy.
Boxing day, the youngest is working, myself the wife and MIL are going to my sisters, my mum will likely be there and my youngest will join us after work, only downer with that is the wife doesn't like driving back from my sisters so I won't be drinking.
My current colleague, his wife always wants to spend it with her sister, so they have to drag their 3 kids over there, they don't want to go and they have a crap and stressed Christmas, especially as him and his wife hate each other.
I count myself and the wife very lucky when it comes to family, we aren't pressured to do anything, we can do what we want with whomever we want and there are no guilt trips, last year my mum and MIL were with us, as was the eldest and the grandson and of course my youngest, we had a great time and then friends over in the evening.
This year I've suggested to my sister she has mum as we had her last year, sister is fine with that and hopefully the BIL will have MIL, but he may need a bit of coercion; if she comes to us then she comes to us, however she won't be driving as she will have had a major op in the days leading up to Christmas; no great shakes as she only lives 10 minutes away, the youngest doesn't drink so she'll do the honours. If she does go to the BIL then it'll just be myself, the wife and youngest (and of course the dogs), for lunch and then we have the eldest, her boyfriend, grandson and a friend and her son from up the road, over in the evening, all chilled and everyone is happy.
Boxing day, the youngest is working, myself the wife and MIL are going to my sisters, my mum will likely be there and my youngest will join us after work, only downer with that is the wife doesn't like driving back from my sisters so I won't be drinking.
The 'day trip' idea sounds the best option.
Get the kids up early and have them open a few presents.
Then drive over to your Mother's house, you've said she isn't an early riser so no rush to get there.
Exchange presents that are to/from Granny to/from the Kids.
Go out for lunch.
Have a few more kids presents late afternoon/meet up with the brother.
Turkey sandwiches for tea.
Drive back to the in-laws while the kids sleep in the car.
Any unissued kids (and most/all adult's) presents can be left until Boxing Day.
Get the kids up early and have them open a few presents.
Then drive over to your Mother's house, you've said she isn't an early riser so no rush to get there.
Exchange presents that are to/from Granny to/from the Kids.
Go out for lunch.
Have a few more kids presents late afternoon/meet up with the brother.
Turkey sandwiches for tea.
Drive back to the in-laws while the kids sleep in the car.
Any unissued kids (and most/all adult's) presents can be left until Boxing Day.
The distance doesn’t help matters you can only really do an overnight. Can’t you have your mum to yours and put her in a nice local B&B which she will need to settle into after dinner?
We keep it simple everyone is welcome at ours for lunch 12-4 and I will be the best host and cook a great meal but if everyone hasn’t left by 6 to give us time to chill the kids out I’m not happy. This has worked a treat for years.
We keep it simple everyone is welcome at ours for lunch 12-4 and I will be the best host and cook a great meal but if everyone hasn’t left by 6 to give us time to chill the kids out I’m not happy. This has worked a treat for years.
My opinion is you need to reel in your wife on this. Your mum is your mum and wont be around forever, and you only see her twice a year as it is, which frankly isn't enough and is reason enough to do whatever is necessary to make the time there for Christmas nice.
You just need to tell the wife to grow up. Arrive early, together, and leave late. This allows for exchanging gifts, seeing the brother etc. It doesn't really matter where you eat or what time. There just needs to be some flexibility.
Disclaimer: I'm not married.
You just need to tell the wife to grow up. Arrive early, together, and leave late. This allows for exchanging gifts, seeing the brother etc. It doesn't really matter where you eat or what time. There just needs to be some flexibility.
Disclaimer: I'm not married.
danllama said:
My opinion is you need to reel in your wife on this. Your mum is your mum and wont be around forever, and you only see her twice a year as it is, which frankly isn't enough .
I missed this (it was a long post) twice a year!!! WTF. And still b
hing about Christmas. I agree with the above you need to pull out all the stops your mum needs to come first once a year. Aaah... feel lucky. I don't do Christmas and have Mostly managed to avoid it for decades, so always fine it amusing when people get stressed about it.
Your mother is only 70? Mine is 84, arthritis etc., she's going to my sisters family for the week in Cornwall as she usually does. Has been getting the train but this time she's flying... Gatwick to Newquay where she'll be picked up. My bit is I'll take her on train to Gatwick and pick her up when she comes back. Maybe your mum could be a bit more adventurous?
Meanwhile, as I said I don't get involved in all the nonsense and I'm not sure why many people do. The Mrs will be visiting one of her two grown up kids (not mine) whilst I put my feet up on my own with some snacks n wine... ahh peace.
Your mother is only 70? Mine is 84, arthritis etc., she's going to my sisters family for the week in Cornwall as she usually does. Has been getting the train but this time she's flying... Gatwick to Newquay where she'll be picked up. My bit is I'll take her on train to Gatwick and pick her up when she comes back. Maybe your mum could be a bit more adventurous?
Meanwhile, as I said I don't get involved in all the nonsense and I'm not sure why many people do. The Mrs will be visiting one of her two grown up kids (not mine) whilst I put my feet up on my own with some snacks n wine... ahh peace.
I don't do Christmas, really. No kids ( or missus now, cant be bothered , too much hassle).
No presents to buy ( well, a voucher for my mum) just give money to my brother to get his kids something. Lovely, I get to avoid town and all the plebs shopping like their life depends on it!
Damn, I sound like scrooge ,but i've always thought xmas is for kids ( I loved it!) and an over-inflated pain in the arse for everyone else.
Just thinking where to go this year- skiing or somewhere warm, though you do get screwed on the price!
The op's scenario sounds horrible ( particularly with what sounds like difficult missus and mum) and I would rather be holed up in downtown Racca than deal with all that st!!
No presents to buy ( well, a voucher for my mum) just give money to my brother to get his kids something. Lovely, I get to avoid town and all the plebs shopping like their life depends on it!
Damn, I sound like scrooge ,but i've always thought xmas is for kids ( I loved it!) and an over-inflated pain in the arse for everyone else.
Just thinking where to go this year- skiing or somewhere warm, though you do get screwed on the price!
The op's scenario sounds horrible ( particularly with what sounds like difficult missus and mum) and I would rather be holed up in downtown Racca than deal with all that s
t!! Edited by oceanview on Monday 13th November 19:22
Not sure that the OP is looking for examples of the problems that others are facing.
I expect that I am reading this wrong but there seems to be a number of other issues that are going on that havent been resolved and perhaps Christmas is just the date in the calendar when these issues come to a head.
The difficulty is that many people get wound up about Christmas and with you being so far away its difficult to address family problems and family guilt without matters becoming overheated.
I opted out of family Christmas because no one enjoyed them and there were too many arguments. If I was to restart it would be a meal in a nice place, see the family for a few hours and then clear off.
I expect that I am reading this wrong but there seems to be a number of other issues that are going on that havent been resolved and perhaps Christmas is just the date in the calendar when these issues come to a head.
The difficulty is that many people get wound up about Christmas and with you being so far away its difficult to address family problems and family guilt without matters becoming overheated.
I opted out of family Christmas because no one enjoyed them and there were too many arguments. If I was to restart it would be a meal in a nice place, see the family for a few hours and then clear off.
Edited by Robbo 27 on Monday 13th November 20:09
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