I've kicked her out and want to keep her out.
Discussion
OK I know PH can help me....
Long story short.... (We have no children BTW).
Wife had been having an affair and moved out for 4 months to live with the other man, when I found out.
She maintained contact with me and stated she may want to come home as she wasn't sure she wanted to leave me and Divorce. I've always told her I wanted to reconcile.
She then said she wanted to move back and leave the other guy.
I allowed her to come home (MUG) on the understanding we move on and work things out and she stays away from him.
However I was to stay away and let her work things out on her own for a bit. I agreed (MUG) and stayed at my Mothers for the last two weeks so she could "reflect" on things.
Today I find out she has been with him this afternoon. She phoned me on the way home from work and told me that she has left him but had wanted to see him as she missed him and still loved him and although she has left him (Yeah right) there is no future for us.
So I told her I wasn't taking anymore lies and I was at home and not budging.
She got very angry. She threatened to get the Police ????? then threatened to get her Sister and the Police to enter the home on her behalf (WTF) and get her stuff (FINE).
Then her Sister called and told me I had to leave my home for an hour while they cleared out her stuff. No way! I told her to come on ahead and I wasn't going anywhere.
So I have changed the lock on the front door. The Wife's Sister seems to have a key and I do not want to come home and find the place emptied by her Sister.
Obviously I can't do that so I need some advice and tips. I have made them very aware She can have her stuff and I will be there when she wants to get it. I even offered to pack it all up and chuck it round to her Sisters.
I will be onto the Solicitor in the morning and going for Divorce (Adultery).
Long story short.... (We have no children BTW).
Wife had been having an affair and moved out for 4 months to live with the other man, when I found out.
She maintained contact with me and stated she may want to come home as she wasn't sure she wanted to leave me and Divorce. I've always told her I wanted to reconcile.
She then said she wanted to move back and leave the other guy.
I allowed her to come home (MUG) on the understanding we move on and work things out and she stays away from him.
However I was to stay away and let her work things out on her own for a bit. I agreed (MUG) and stayed at my Mothers for the last two weeks so she could "reflect" on things.
Today I find out she has been with him this afternoon. She phoned me on the way home from work and told me that she has left him but had wanted to see him as she missed him and still loved him and although she has left him (Yeah right) there is no future for us.
So I told her I wasn't taking anymore lies and I was at home and not budging.
She got very angry. She threatened to get the Police ????? then threatened to get her Sister and the Police to enter the home on her behalf (WTF) and get her stuff (FINE).
Then her Sister called and told me I had to leave my home for an hour while they cleared out her stuff. No way! I told her to come on ahead and I wasn't going anywhere.
So I have changed the lock on the front door. The Wife's Sister seems to have a key and I do not want to come home and find the place emptied by her Sister.
Obviously I can't do that so I need some advice and tips. I have made them very aware She can have her stuff and I will be there when she wants to get it. I even offered to pack it all up and chuck it round to her Sisters.
I will be onto the Solicitor in the morning and going for Divorce (Adultery).
Edited by Had_enough on Thursday 30th November 00:06
Edited by Had_enough on Thursday 30th November 00:07
Sorry to read all that & wish you luck.
With no kids things should be simpler hopefully.
With regard to the house, who owns it? If its joint expect to have to sell it or one buy the other out. If its rented one of you will have probably to take on the tenancy unless its close to the end anyway,
Everything else (in terms of a settlement) largely depends on how long you've been married, relative incomes etc & also who brought what into the marriage.
You are aiming for a divorce AND a Consent Order, that way the final settlement is final, there will be no coming back for more later. "Don't leave home without it"
Finally recognise that the cause of the divorce has no bearing on how the settlement will be made - just put it to one side & don't use it for anything other than filing for divorce.
The more civilised you can keep things the less it will cost you (both). Divorce lawyers love messy divorces. I've never met a poor divorce lawyer. Try mediation first if there is no obvious and easy agreement.
With no kids things should be simpler hopefully.
With regard to the house, who owns it? If its joint expect to have to sell it or one buy the other out. If its rented one of you will have probably to take on the tenancy unless its close to the end anyway,
Everything else (in terms of a settlement) largely depends on how long you've been married, relative incomes etc & also who brought what into the marriage.
You are aiming for a divorce AND a Consent Order, that way the final settlement is final, there will be no coming back for more later. "Don't leave home without it"
Finally recognise that the cause of the divorce has no bearing on how the settlement will be made - just put it to one side & don't use it for anything other than filing for divorce.
The more civilised you can keep things the less it will cost you (both). Divorce lawyers love messy divorces. I've never met a poor divorce lawyer. Try mediation first if there is no obvious and easy agreement.
It's a messy one i'm afraid...
We have two homes one of which is being fixed up to move into and the current one to be rented out for income.
I had to stop work due to illness. The wife is now the bread winner (40k a year) and my savings went into the property. We have no loans or mortgages as I cleared them all.
I just want to keep her out for now. She can stay if she wants but there is no way I am moving out.
She is claiming I am "controlling her" and using the house to do so and that I had "convinced her to move
back in" and now I am "chucking her out because she left the other guy just for revenge" All complete nonsense BTW.
But I did change the lock. I am concerned about that!
mmm bit hot headed old chap..
I know this is horrible ++
You need to maintain some dignity here.. You are angry... this is understandable... she's allover the place as she's royally fu**ed up.
Good thing is you have a go between with the sister...
Look round the house... find all the things which are genuinely yours of some value.. pop them in the car..
text her sister...say you were upset etc... put new key under mat... let them come round and do their business... It doesn't sound like they are going to make a move to occupy the house...
BTW I'm sure the Police have no interest with this...
Stay well out the way... In the whole scheme of things it does not matter a jot what she takes.. let her have it... ask for a text when they have left... return... change locks again..
Let the dust settle... no texts, emails, calls...
I know this is horrible ++
You need to maintain some dignity here.. You are angry... this is understandable... she's allover the place as she's royally fu**ed up.
Good thing is you have a go between with the sister...
Look round the house... find all the things which are genuinely yours of some value.. pop them in the car..
text her sister...say you were upset etc... put new key under mat... let them come round and do their business... It doesn't sound like they are going to make a move to occupy the house...
BTW I'm sure the Police have no interest with this...
Stay well out the way... In the whole scheme of things it does not matter a jot what she takes.. let her have it... ask for a text when they have left... return... change locks again..
Let the dust settle... no texts, emails, calls...
She's jockeying some other dude and phoning the police on you? That's so 2017.
Make life as difficult as possible for the w
e and tell everyone you know she was whoring around. Lock her out and have no communication with her. Blacken her name and the s eyes that was doing her. If you can't do it find someone that can and pay them (on the QT). You're probably hurting but feeling sorry for yourself doesn't get you anywhere so turn that to resentment and get on top. If you can, financially ruin her.
Not lame PC advice but hey, I feel bad for you man.
Make life as difficult as possible for the w
e and tell everyone you know she was whoring around. Lock her out and have no communication with her. Blacken her name and the s eyes that was doing her. If you can't do it find someone that can and pay them (on the QT). You're probably hurting but feeling sorry for yourself doesn't get you anywhere so turn that to resentment and get on top. If you can, financially ruin her.Not lame PC advice but hey, I feel bad for you man.
Had_enough said:
It's a messy one i'm afraid...
We have two homes one of which is being fixed up to move into and the current one to be rented out for income.
I had to stop work due to illness. The wife is now the bread winner (40k a year) and my savings went into the property. We have no loans or mortgages as I cleared them all.
I just want to keep her out for now. She can stay if she wants but there is no way I am moving out.
She is claiming I am "controlling her" and using the house to do so and that I had "convinced her to move
back in" and now I am "chucking her out because she left the other guy just for revenge" All complete nonsense BTW.
But I did change the lock. I am concerned about that!
I believe that technically you are not supposed to do that but the worst that is likely happen is that you get a solicitor's letter about it. I did it after my ex moved out and I'd do it again. (!)We have two homes one of which is being fixed up to move into and the current one to be rented out for income.
I had to stop work due to illness. The wife is now the bread winner (40k a year) and my savings went into the property. We have no loans or mortgages as I cleared them all.
I just want to keep her out for now. She can stay if she wants but there is no way I am moving out.
She is claiming I am "controlling her" and using the house to do so and that I had "convinced her to move
back in" and now I am "chucking her out because she left the other guy just for revenge" All complete nonsense BTW.
But I did change the lock. I am concerned about that!
Generally you will be more flexible if you try & move towards a cash settlement I would think i.e. sell both the houses unless you can agree easily how else you can divide the assets. If they are in joint names then worse case is going to be 50:50 but if you haven't been married long then you might be able to start going back to who brought what into the marriage I think - but I'm speculating. A solicitor will be able to tell you.
A fag-packet calculation of who has contributed what will be a good starting place with a lawyer as well. The divorce bit should be easily, its the settlement that can be harder. But as I said, a consent order is a key requirement. Without one and unless she gets married again she can always come back for more once you get back on your feet,.
Wombat3 said:
I believe that technically you are not supposed to do that but the worst that is likely happen is that you get a solicitor's letter about it. I did it after my ex moved out and I'd do it again. (!)
,.
Ok Thanks.... I will sort this with a Solicitor tomorrow ASAP just wanted to know in the mean time. I really didn't want to create a problem for myself further down the line.,.
and please no revenge suggestions. I'm not that Guy (though sometimes wish I was).
I'll be fine (I hope). She had her chance.
Had_enough said:
It's a messy one i'm afraid...
We have two homes one of which is being fixed up to move into and the current one to be rented out for income.
I had to stop work due to illness. The wife is now the bread winner (40k a year) and my savings went into the property. We have no loans or mortgages as I cleared them all.
I just want to keep her out for now. She can stay if she wants but there is no way I am moving out.
She is claiming I am "controlling her" and using the house to do so and that I had "convinced her to move
back in" and now I am "chucking her out because she left the other guy just for revenge" All complete nonsense BTW.
But I did change the lock. I am concerned about that!
So which house do you live in / kicking her out of? One of the two you own, or another one?We have two homes one of which is being fixed up to move into and the current one to be rented out for income.
I had to stop work due to illness. The wife is now the bread winner (40k a year) and my savings went into the property. We have no loans or mortgages as I cleared them all.
I just want to keep her out for now. She can stay if she wants but there is no way I am moving out.
She is claiming I am "controlling her" and using the house to do so and that I had "convinced her to move
back in" and now I am "chucking her out because she left the other guy just for revenge" All complete nonsense BTW.
But I did change the lock. I am concerned about that!
When I went through the same, we walked around the house and made a list of who got what.
I found it easier to let go of the PS3, than get a lawyer to argue I wanted it back.
She then packed all of 'her' stuff and left. I then dumped a load of extra stuff I found, a few weeks later (paperwork, photos etc.).
She kept a set of keys, but promised not to enter the house without me being there.
We then, seperatly, wrote down the numbers of what each of us put in, and wanted out. Also the costs of anything we'd taken out above. Then we compared them, tweaked them to be fair (her pensions stay with her, mine with me. Her car was less expensive with less finance on it etc.).
We then put it in for a 'Financial Settlement'. Once completed through the courts, I went through the process to buy her out. Once the money was transfered, I got the keys back.
12 months later we applied for divorce.
Best to keep emotion well and truely out of it, if you can.
I found it easier to let go of the PS3, than get a lawyer to argue I wanted it back.
She then packed all of 'her' stuff and left. I then dumped a load of extra stuff I found, a few weeks later (paperwork, photos etc.).
She kept a set of keys, but promised not to enter the house without me being there.
We then, seperatly, wrote down the numbers of what each of us put in, and wanted out. Also the costs of anything we'd taken out above. Then we compared them, tweaked them to be fair (her pensions stay with her, mine with me. Her car was less expensive with less finance on it etc.).
We then put it in for a 'Financial Settlement'. Once completed through the courts, I went through the process to buy her out. Once the money was transfered, I got the keys back.
12 months later we applied for divorce.
Best to keep emotion well and truely out of it, if you can.
I'd agree keep the emotion out of it.
Be firm so you do not get walked over , but compassionate enough to not be accused of being an arse.
Don't ever yell at her. Don't ever send a threatening or aggressive text. Imagine everything you say would be recalled and replayed to her friends, your friends, and a judge.
Be firm so you do not get walked over , but compassionate enough to not be accused of being an arse.
Don't ever yell at her. Don't ever send a threatening or aggressive text. Imagine everything you say would be recalled and replayed to her friends, your friends, and a judge.
Bibbs said:
When I went through the same, we walked around the house and made a list of who got what.
I found it easier to let go of the PS3, than get a lawyer to argue I wanted it back.
She then packed all of 'her' stuff and left. I then dumped a load of extra stuff I found, a few weeks later (paperwork, photos etc.).
She kept a set of keys, but promised not to enter the house without me being there.
We then, seperatly, wrote down the numbers of what each of us put in, and wanted out. Also the costs of anything we'd taken out above. Then we compared them, tweaked them to be fair (her pensions stay with her, mine with me. Her car was less expensive with less finance on it etc.).
We then put it in for a 'Financial Settlement'. Once completed through the courts, I went through the process to buy her out. Once the money was transfered, I got the keys back.
12 months later we applied for divorce.
Best to keep emotion well and truely out of it, if you can.
If only it could always be like that!I found it easier to let go of the PS3, than get a lawyer to argue I wanted it back.
She then packed all of 'her' stuff and left. I then dumped a load of extra stuff I found, a few weeks later (paperwork, photos etc.).
She kept a set of keys, but promised not to enter the house without me being there.
We then, seperatly, wrote down the numbers of what each of us put in, and wanted out. Also the costs of anything we'd taken out above. Then we compared them, tweaked them to be fair (her pensions stay with her, mine with me. Her car was less expensive with less finance on it etc.).
We then put it in for a 'Financial Settlement'. Once completed through the courts, I went through the process to buy her out. Once the money was transfered, I got the keys back.
12 months later we applied for divorce.
Best to keep emotion well and truely out of it, if you can.
Don't forget pensions go in the pot, which is very relevant if she earns more than you. Could be worth negotiating larger equity share in return for giving up pension rights.
How long were you married? Can be very relevant.
I'd give each other some space, let the emotion die down so you can both make clearer decisions. When things are hopefully calmer, list all assets, including pensions then try and work out a deal you can both live with - could be it as simple as one property each to save selling for instance.
How long were you married? Can be very relevant.
I'd give each other some space, let the emotion die down so you can both make clearer decisions. When things are hopefully calmer, list all assets, including pensions then try and work out a deal you can both live with - could be it as simple as one property each to save selling for instance.
Just a couple of notes to add to the good advice above:
If she's the only wage earner, you may be entitled to get her to pay you maintenance, not the other way around. You could let this become a clean break by "capitalising" it - i.e. you take more than 50% of the assets in return for not receiving maintenance.
This really hinges on your respective finances and assets, and length of marriage. Over 10 years it's usually taken that all assets are joint regardless of who's name it's in, who bought it, whether you had it before the marriage etc. Under that, and especially if it's only a couple of years, then ownership and origin may be relevant.
As said above, don't sweat the small stuff. Changing the locks may have been a mistake, but if I remember the other thread she's been abusive? So you have a reason. Let her get her solicitor to write demanding access etc. Take advice from your solicitor - and I would suggest that you DO NOT agree to pay her costs - ideally, since you are not the wage earner, get her to pay yours.
Try very hard to distance yourself from the emotion of it for now. This should be about your escape and clean exit, not about revenge. Get counselling support if you can, do it BEFORE you feel bad. I found that very helpful.
Good luck!
If she's the only wage earner, you may be entitled to get her to pay you maintenance, not the other way around. You could let this become a clean break by "capitalising" it - i.e. you take more than 50% of the assets in return for not receiving maintenance.
This really hinges on your respective finances and assets, and length of marriage. Over 10 years it's usually taken that all assets are joint regardless of who's name it's in, who bought it, whether you had it before the marriage etc. Under that, and especially if it's only a couple of years, then ownership and origin may be relevant.
As said above, don't sweat the small stuff. Changing the locks may have been a mistake, but if I remember the other thread she's been abusive? So you have a reason. Let her get her solicitor to write demanding access etc. Take advice from your solicitor - and I would suggest that you DO NOT agree to pay her costs - ideally, since you are not the wage earner, get her to pay yours.
Try very hard to distance yourself from the emotion of it for now. This should be about your escape and clean exit, not about revenge. Get counselling support if you can, do it BEFORE you feel bad. I found that very helpful.
Good luck!
Had_enough said:
OK I know PH can help me....
Long story short.... (We have no children BTW).
Wife had been having an affair and moved out for 4 months to live with the other man, when I found out.
She maintained contact with me and stated she may want to come home as she wasn't sure she wanted to leave me and Divorce. I've always told her I wanted to reconcile.
She then said she wanted to move back and leave the other guy.
I allowed her to come home (MUG) on the understanding we move on and work things out and she stays away from him.
However I was to stay away and let her work things out on her own for a bit. I agreed (MUG) and stayed at my Mothers for the last two weeks so she could "reflect" on things.
Today I find out she has been with him this afternoon. She phoned me on the way home from work and told me that she has left him but had wanted to see him as she missed him and still loved him and although she has left him (Yeah right) there is no future for us.
So I told her I wasn't taking anymore lies and I was at home and not budging.
She got very angry. She threatened to get the Police ????? then threatened to get her Sister and the Police to enter the home on her behalf (WTF) and get her stuff (FINE).
Then her Sister called and told me I had to leave my home for an hour while they cleared out her stuff. No way! I told her to come on ahead and I wasn't going anywhere.
So I have changed the lock on the front door. The Wife's Sister seems to have a key and I do not want to come home and find the place emptied by her Sister.
Obviously I can't do that so I need some advice and tips. I have made them very aware She can have her stuff and I will be there when she wants to get it. I even offered to pack it all up and chuck it round to her Sisters.
I will be onto the Solicitor in the morning and going for Divorce (Adultery).
The sister. Is she hot?Long story short.... (We have no children BTW).
Wife had been having an affair and moved out for 4 months to live with the other man, when I found out.
She maintained contact with me and stated she may want to come home as she wasn't sure she wanted to leave me and Divorce. I've always told her I wanted to reconcile.
She then said she wanted to move back and leave the other guy.
I allowed her to come home (MUG) on the understanding we move on and work things out and she stays away from him.
However I was to stay away and let her work things out on her own for a bit. I agreed (MUG) and stayed at my Mothers for the last two weeks so she could "reflect" on things.
Today I find out she has been with him this afternoon. She phoned me on the way home from work and told me that she has left him but had wanted to see him as she missed him and still loved him and although she has left him (Yeah right) there is no future for us.
So I told her I wasn't taking anymore lies and I was at home and not budging.
She got very angry. She threatened to get the Police ????? then threatened to get her Sister and the Police to enter the home on her behalf (WTF) and get her stuff (FINE).
Then her Sister called and told me I had to leave my home for an hour while they cleared out her stuff. No way! I told her to come on ahead and I wasn't going anywhere.
So I have changed the lock on the front door. The Wife's Sister seems to have a key and I do not want to come home and find the place emptied by her Sister.
Obviously I can't do that so I need some advice and tips. I have made them very aware She can have her stuff and I will be there when she wants to get it. I even offered to pack it all up and chuck it round to her Sisters.
I will be onto the Solicitor in the morning and going for Divorce (Adultery).
Edited by Had_enough on Thursday 30th November 00:06
Edited by Had_enough on Thursday 30th November 00:07
Bibbs said:
When I went through the same, we walked around the house and made a list of who got what.
I found it easier to let go of the PS3, than get a lawyer to argue I wanted it back.
She then packed all of 'her' stuff and left. I then dumped a load of extra stuff I found, a few weeks later (paperwork, photos etc.).
She kept a set of keys, but promised not to enter the house without me being there.
We then, seperatly, wrote down the numbers of what each of us put in, and wanted out. Also the costs of anything we'd taken out above. Then we compared them, tweaked them to be fair (her pensions stay with her, mine with me. Her car was less expensive with less finance on it etc.).
We then put it in for a 'Financial Settlement'. Once completed through the courts, I went through the process to buy her out. Once the money was transfered, I got the keys back.
12 months later we applied for divorce.
Best to keep emotion well and truely out of it, if you can.
That's basically similar to how mine has gone - maybe silly question Bibbs but how did you work out how much to buy her out? - House Value-outstanding Mortgage divided by 2?I found it easier to let go of the PS3, than get a lawyer to argue I wanted it back.
She then packed all of 'her' stuff and left. I then dumped a load of extra stuff I found, a few weeks later (paperwork, photos etc.).
She kept a set of keys, but promised not to enter the house without me being there.
We then, seperatly, wrote down the numbers of what each of us put in, and wanted out. Also the costs of anything we'd taken out above. Then we compared them, tweaked them to be fair (her pensions stay with her, mine with me. Her car was less expensive with less finance on it etc.).
We then put it in for a 'Financial Settlement'. Once completed through the courts, I went through the process to buy her out. Once the money was transfered, I got the keys back.
12 months later we applied for divorce.
Best to keep emotion well and truely out of it, if you can.
Had_enough said:
She got very angry. She threatened to get the Police ????? then threatened to get her Sister and the Police to enter the home on her behalf (WTF) and get her stuff (FINE).
Video or voice record every future interaction. Think one of the posters on the divorce thread had false allegations of abuse and was lucky to have recorded stuff.
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