Family Estrangement - The chickens always come home to roost
Discussion
Hi,
I know you are all strangers and unsure what else to do but just kind of post on here.
I decided four years ago to cut myself, wife and 2 day old son from everyone on my mothers side. 2 Uncles, grandmother and five aunts, all married with their own kids. So basically everyone. This also included my father, mother and sister.
My mother basically wished I was never born and had drowned at birth and pretty much set out to destroy every semblance of happiness over a period of time and once my son was born I had enough. She ruined the birth and I basically f
ked the whole lot of.
It pretty much was my mother, sister and father arguing every day over nothing, sometimes it was made up. The old man was minted, and the mother and sister never worked right...idle time and all that. I forged a career, went uni etc. For some reason there was resentment. And the old man was spineless.
I believe for the health and wellbeing of myself, wife and kids and my marriage it was the best thing to do.
So I left, prospered, did well in life. Still married and had another son.
My folks called me on new years. I invited them round to my house yesterday and they came.
It was very awkward, she was speechless and just stared at the children (her grandkids), pain and shame etched on her face. All that time missed right?
My father it seemed had a sense of pride, here was his son who was pretty much abandoned with no support who struck out on his own and became a 'man'. I showed him around the house, he asked about my cars etc. Apparently the money has ran out, his business eventually failed once I walked out and he went through Kidney transplant. Now they are all rolling around in a five bed house. The sister and my mother and father.
She has been through stage 1 cancer, and he has had a kidney transplant and as fate would have it they moved two miles down the road from my house.
I care not for them. I am just annoyed at the fact if she had kept her gob shut and cracked on like any normal mother none of this st would have happened.
He invited me and my sons to his house. My basic reply was, sorry mate.....you are having a laugh.
You cant just come in and crack on whilst we did all the graft. You were not there for my 4 year old or 2 year old.
So I would rather be alone with my own unit than surrounded by money grabbing, narcissistic, argumentative blood related fkwits.
Am I in the wrong here? Its just so fkin sad all round man..
I know you are all strangers and unsure what else to do but just kind of post on here.
I decided four years ago to cut myself, wife and 2 day old son from everyone on my mothers side. 2 Uncles, grandmother and five aunts, all married with their own kids. So basically everyone. This also included my father, mother and sister.
My mother basically wished I was never born and had drowned at birth and pretty much set out to destroy every semblance of happiness over a period of time and once my son was born I had enough. She ruined the birth and I basically f
ked the whole lot of. It pretty much was my mother, sister and father arguing every day over nothing, sometimes it was made up. The old man was minted, and the mother and sister never worked right...idle time and all that. I forged a career, went uni etc. For some reason there was resentment. And the old man was spineless.
I believe for the health and wellbeing of myself, wife and kids and my marriage it was the best thing to do.
So I left, prospered, did well in life. Still married and had another son.
My folks called me on new years. I invited them round to my house yesterday and they came.
It was very awkward, she was speechless and just stared at the children (her grandkids), pain and shame etched on her face. All that time missed right?
My father it seemed had a sense of pride, here was his son who was pretty much abandoned with no support who struck out on his own and became a 'man'. I showed him around the house, he asked about my cars etc. Apparently the money has ran out, his business eventually failed once I walked out and he went through Kidney transplant. Now they are all rolling around in a five bed house. The sister and my mother and father.
She has been through stage 1 cancer, and he has had a kidney transplant and as fate would have it they moved two miles down the road from my house.
I care not for them. I am just annoyed at the fact if she had kept her gob shut and cracked on like any normal mother none of this s
t would have happened.He invited me and my sons to his house. My basic reply was, sorry mate.....you are having a laugh.
You cant just come in and crack on whilst we did all the graft. You were not there for my 4 year old or 2 year old.
So I would rather be alone with my own unit than surrounded by money grabbing, narcissistic, argumentative blood related f
kwits.Am I in the wrong here? Its just so f
kin sad all round man..Edited by HannsG on Monday 15th January 16:08
HannsG said:
So I would rather be alone with my own unit than surrounded by money grabbing, narcissistic, argumentative blood related fkwits.
Am I in the wrong here?
No. We have been through similar thing with parents on my wife's side. They are horrid, horrid people for reasons I don't want to go into But we decided last year to cut them off. We have kids and its hard on them but we felt they were people who added anything and were a bad influence so its in everyone's best interests that they are gone.kwits.Am I in the wrong here?
You cant chose your family and some people seem to think that means they can behave how they want.
I'm getting the feeling that your dad is trying to do the right thing as he has been drawn into a feud between you and your mum/his wife. You mentioned having a problem specifically with your mum but not your dad. I would wager that it has been your dad who has been trying to make amends, am I right?
You're an adult at the end of the day you should do what you think is right for your kids etc.
You're an adult at the end of the day you should do what you think is right for your kids etc.
eldar said:
NO, if you are happy with the decision. What does your partner think?
She actually felt sorry for them. Its not how you want your folks or old people to retire right?My mother just stared at the kids with anguish. I would say its due to women etc, and they don't get on. But to be honest I don't know.
With blokes you tell em to f
k off, and you can have a pint and shake hands. But with families it runs deep.I went through all sorts of hell and anguish also. To wake up one day with a 3 day old and a wife and no support.
You just crack on.
Nope, do what is right for you and your family. Just to let you know you aren't alone in doing what you have done. Though we haven't had any contact and think it will probably stay that way. As they say you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family. But you can distance yourself if they make your life a misery.
Smanks said:
I'm getting the feeling that your dad is trying to do the right thing as he has been drawn into a feud between you and your mum/his wife. You mentioned having a problem specifically with your mum but not your dad. I would wager that it has been your dad who has been trying to make amends, am I right?
You're an adult at the end of the day you should do what you think is right for your kids etc.
Yes I would say so, he did all the talking. My mother I think was told to stay quiet as it was her gob which set the whole thing on fire.You're an adult at the end of the day you should do what you think is right for your kids etc.
One example yesterday was when my folks brought some sweets for the kids. The kids filled their plates and then went to sit in their own space in the lounge which has a television.
My parents seemed horrified at the thought the kids did not want to spend time with them. My reply was they simply do not know you. Its their house
The messed up thing is it never had to be this bad.
Nah, bks to them. It'll just all go wrong again if you get involved.
I'm estranged from my entire extended family - aunts, uncles, cousins etc because they're all aholes. Both sides of my family, Mum's and Dad's. I can't be doing with it and don't want my children exposed to them. My Mum was upset when I did this, but she's now in the same boat and estranged from everyone but one cousin (due to the unnecessary arguments, envy, favouritisms, borderline insanity, unpleasant husbands/wives etc) who I'm prepared to accept in the "circle".
Why can't people just be nice. It's not difficult. All my friends manage it, what's wrong with my sodding blood relatives? tts.
ks to them. It'll just all go wrong again if you get involved.I'm estranged from my entire extended family - aunts, uncles, cousins etc because they're all a
holes. Both sides of my family, Mum's and Dad's. I can't be doing with it and don't want my children exposed to them. My Mum was upset when I did this, but she's now in the same boat and estranged from everyone but one cousin (due to the unnecessary arguments, envy, favouritisms, borderline insanity, unpleasant husbands/wives etc) who I'm prepared to accept in the "circle".Why can't people just be nice. It's not difficult. All my friends manage it, what's wrong with my sodding blood relatives? t
ts.I think in the future you're going to come to regret all this feuding. It's one thing to cut your mother off but unless I've misunderstood the first post I'm not sure what your father did wrong. There seems to be some bitterness in your posts towards him yet he simply comes off as collateral damage?
Oakey said:
I think in the future you're going to come to regret all this feuding. It's one thing to cut your mother off but unless I've misunderstood the first post I'm not sure what your father did wrong. There seems to be some bitterness in your posts towards him yet he simply comes off as collateral damage?
They came as a package. He just buried his head in the sand when it was kicking off. He did not fulfill his obligations as a father figure. Therfore I had to make a decision for my own wellbeing. He was a consequence from not keeping his wife in check.
Bear in mind my family is traditional and highly cultural. They are not modern by any stretch.
I fully agree I was no angel. I did not take estrangment lightly. But once my son was born. I was NOT going to have him raised in an environment like mine was with my family
Edited by HannsG on Monday 15th January 17:13
HannsG said:
Am I in the wrong here?
In the wrong, definitely not.Maybe it's time to bury the hatchet? Perhaps your mother has learned that you were taken for granted and is trying to say they want back in on your life.
If you choose to let them back in make sure you set ground rules. You had good reasons to cut them out and if they try to take advantage of you, guilt trip, coerce or in any other way make you uncomfortable they will be re-excised from your life and for good this time.
Of course it's entirely up to you, I'm just putting the idea out there.
I've got cousins I have pretty much cut out because every time I talk to them they're always trying to guilt trip me into something... usually giving them money. I finally got sick of the old excuse "but you have so much and we have so little" and finally told them "yes, because I studied, I got a good job instead of popping out 5 kids" (yes, 5 of them and the husband has no job, wife/child generator works in a post office) and yet they looked at me as if I'd just murdered one of their mal-behaved crotchspawns. So I haven't spoken to that part of the family since leaving Oz, since then they have tried using my mother to get money from me.
BTW, I've nothing against kids... but seriously, if you've not got the means to support 5 of them, don't have 5 of them.
Yes you are wrong.
You have effectively deprived your children of their family aunts uncles etc because you have relationship issues with your parents.
It may have been the right thing for you, but its very rare that the children are better off without all their extended family.
Luckily its not too late but it would mean you doing a bit of a u turn. Parents can be cretins but they don't deserve the grandchildren being used as weapons of war.
You have effectively deprived your children of their family aunts uncles etc because you have relationship issues with your parents.
It may have been the right thing for you, but its very rare that the children are better off without all their extended family.
Luckily its not too late but it would mean you doing a bit of a u turn. Parents can be cretins but they don't deserve the grandchildren being used as weapons of war.
Nanook said:
To your parents, the children are their grandchildren.
To your children though, your parents are just some random old people. And tbh, it's too late. You can tell the kids now that these are their grandparents, but there's never going to be the relationship that your parents would want there to be.
It sucks, but that's just how it is sometimes. There are members of my family I don't speak to. My Gran, for instance.
My brother still does speak to her. He's admitted (but plays it down) that he only goes to visit every time he's home, because he knows my Mother, sister, and I, have all been written out of my Gran's will, so there's more for him. Hard not to think he's a bit of a prick for that tbh, especially given everything that went on. Families are tricky.
Please come back here and post when she pops her clogs because this sounds like it's going to be a great story. I'm picturing your brother raging when he finds out she saw through his subterfuge and left it all to a cats home instead. To your children though, your parents are just some random old people. And tbh, it's too late. You can tell the kids now that these are their grandparents, but there's never going to be the relationship that your parents would want there to be.
It sucks, but that's just how it is sometimes. There are members of my family I don't speak to. My Gran, for instance.
My brother still does speak to her. He's admitted (but plays it down) that he only goes to visit every time he's home, because he knows my Mother, sister, and I, have all been written out of my Gran's will, so there's more for him. Hard not to think he's a bit of a prick for that tbh, especially given everything that went on. Families are tricky.
Oakey said:
I think in the future you're going to come to regret all this feuding. It's one thing to cut your mother off but unless I've misunderstood the first post I'm not sure what your father did wrong. There seems to be some bitterness in your posts towards him yet he simply comes off as collateral damage?
This is pretty much what I was thinking too.Whilst I can understand the OP's position, I really feel for his father seemingly having to choose between his wife and his son. I know I would hate to find myself in that position any time down the line!
I also don't understand the OP telling his father he wasn't there for his 4yr old and 2yr old when, if I've understood the thread correctly, it was the OP who cut off contact as soon as the 4yr old was born? Yes, his father might not have been there, but it doesn't sound like he had much choice in the matter.
Next thing I don't understand in the narrative is how, in the space of just 4 years, the OP has apparently transformed his life so much that his father is amazed to see that he has become a man? Unless he's had the first kid whilst at Uni, and gone on to build a career at a stellar rate after graduation, surely much of the trappings of success must've already been there 4 years ago?
OP, whatever has been before, I think everyone should deserve a chance to redeem themselves. They've seemingly reached out with an olive branch, and you've said yourself that your mother seems devastated and ashamed by where her actions have led. If you now tell them to f
k off without giving them a chance, I don't see how that makes you any better than your mother was?Why not try suggesting that you and your dad meet up for a couple of pints to talk just yourselves and get a better understanding of the real lay of the land?
HannsG said:
Hi,
I know you are all strangers and unsure what else to do but just kind of post on here.
I decided four years ago to cut myself, wife and 2 day old son from everyone on my mothers side. 2 Uncles, grandmother and five aunts, all married with their own kids. So basically everyone. This also included my father, mother and sister.
My mother basically wished I was never born and had drowned at birth and pretty much set out to destroy every semblance of happiness over a period of time and once my son was born I had enough. She ruined the birth and I basically fked the whole lot of.
It pretty much was my mother, sister and father arguing every day over nothing, sometimes it was made up. The old man was minted, and the mother and sister never worked right...idle time and all that. I forged a career, went uni etc. For some reason there was resentment. And the old man was spineless.
I believe for the health and wellbeing of myself, wife and kids and my marriage it was the best thing to do.
So I left, prospered, did well in life. Still married and had another son.
My folks called me on new years. I invited them round to my house yesterday and they came.
It was very awkward, she was speechless and just stared at the children (her grandkids), pain and shame etched on her face. All that time missed right?
My father it seemed had a sense of pride, here was his son who was pretty much abandoned with no support who struck out on his own and became a 'man'. I showed him around the house, he asked about my cars etc. Apparently the money has ran out, his business eventually failed once I walked out and he went through Kidney transplant. Now they are all rolling around in a five bed house. The sister and my mother and father.
She has been through stage 1 cancer, and he has had a kidney transplant and as fate would have it they moved two miles down the road from my house.
I care not for them. I am just annoyed at the fact if she had kept her gob shut and cracked on like any normal mother none of this st would have happened.
He invited me and my sons to his house. My basic reply was, sorry mate.....you are having a laugh.
You cant just come in and crack on whilst we did all the graft. You were not there for my 4 year old or 2 year old.
So I would rather be alone with my own unit than surrounded by money grabbing, narcissistic, argumentative blood related fkwits.
Am I in the wrong here? Its just so fkin sad all round man..
Seems to me to be a horrific situation that you fixed quite neatly. Doesn’t seem to be anything good to come from undoing that. I know you are all strangers and unsure what else to do but just kind of post on here.
I decided four years ago to cut myself, wife and 2 day old son from everyone on my mothers side. 2 Uncles, grandmother and five aunts, all married with their own kids. So basically everyone. This also included my father, mother and sister.
My mother basically wished I was never born and had drowned at birth and pretty much set out to destroy every semblance of happiness over a period of time and once my son was born I had enough. She ruined the birth and I basically f
ked the whole lot of. It pretty much was my mother, sister and father arguing every day over nothing, sometimes it was made up. The old man was minted, and the mother and sister never worked right...idle time and all that. I forged a career, went uni etc. For some reason there was resentment. And the old man was spineless.
I believe for the health and wellbeing of myself, wife and kids and my marriage it was the best thing to do.
So I left, prospered, did well in life. Still married and had another son.
My folks called me on new years. I invited them round to my house yesterday and they came.
It was very awkward, she was speechless and just stared at the children (her grandkids), pain and shame etched on her face. All that time missed right?
My father it seemed had a sense of pride, here was his son who was pretty much abandoned with no support who struck out on his own and became a 'man'. I showed him around the house, he asked about my cars etc. Apparently the money has ran out, his business eventually failed once I walked out and he went through Kidney transplant. Now they are all rolling around in a five bed house. The sister and my mother and father.
She has been through stage 1 cancer, and he has had a kidney transplant and as fate would have it they moved two miles down the road from my house.
I care not for them. I am just annoyed at the fact if she had kept her gob shut and cracked on like any normal mother none of this s
t would have happened.He invited me and my sons to his house. My basic reply was, sorry mate.....you are having a laugh.
You cant just come in and crack on whilst we did all the graft. You were not there for my 4 year old or 2 year old.
So I would rather be alone with my own unit than surrounded by money grabbing, narcissistic, argumentative blood related f
kwits.Am I in the wrong here? Its just so f
kin sad all round man..Edited by HannsG on Monday 15th January 16:08
She’s seen her grandchildren before she dies. You’ve done more than enough. And in reality have a duty as a father to break that cycle and keep the toxic elements well away from your core family.
If you get on ok with your Dad then maybe consider grabbing a beer with him every so often on neutral ground?
Your primary duty is to your own families well-being and that includes your health too.
In an ideal world things would be different, but the worlds not ideal. Theres no bad blood from me, but my family is 57 shades of mental and Ive just kind of washed my hands of them, only saw my own folks for the first time in 3 years the other day. My dads got (possibly) vascular dementia, is not in a particularly good way and while largely because of that I intend to make a few visits this year, I have no regrets whatsoever - it'd have been lovely to have something different but we don't and short of being a doormat it's not within my control to have made it different. It wrecks the heads of my inlaws who are very different, very close family, but in truth they feel more like mum and dad to me than my own - they're more interested in my well-being and understand me better as a person.
In an ideal world things would be different, but the worlds not ideal. Theres no bad blood from me, but my family is 57 shades of mental and Ive just kind of washed my hands of them, only saw my own folks for the first time in 3 years the other day. My dads got (possibly) vascular dementia, is not in a particularly good way and while largely because of that I intend to make a few visits this year, I have no regrets whatsoever - it'd have been lovely to have something different but we don't and short of being a doormat it's not within my control to have made it different. It wrecks the heads of my inlaws who are very different, very close family, but in truth they feel more like mum and dad to me than my own - they're more interested in my well-being and understand me better as a person.
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