Coping with a marriage break up?
Discussion
Using a different account for this one for obvious reasons. Hope that's OK. I've tried to write this post a couple of times now and ended up erasing it instead of posting. Even now I feel quite silly writing this to a bunch of essentially strangers, despite the postings of many of you keeping me sane during the working day. I’m sure half of me will regret posting it once I do…
I genuinely thought I’d found my soulmate and would be with her for the rest of my life, but just before NYE my wife announced that she was unhappy, had been for a while and wanted to separate. Apparently it was a bunch of little things that have built up over time and broken her down, until she’s reached the point that she just wants to be on her own, in her own world where she has control of everything in her environment and can go home and be solitary when she just wants to shut the world out.
The other issue which is a bit bigger, is that I want children and she did, but no longer does. She’s now 41 and so it was always a long shot, but having the door firmly closed was a bit of a blow. I suppose it’s one of those things I always feared but didn’t want to address. We had a miscarriage around two years ago and it really damaged us. I don’t know why, but it changed things between us, subconsciously. Perhaps it was the fact that she felt she had lost a child, I felt we had lost a pregnancy. I don’t know. My niece announced that she was pregnant about two weeks later…
I have tried everything I have got to win her over but she is steadfast. Because she decided this a while ago and has had time to adjust to the idea before telling me, I think that she has moved way beyond the point of being able to try and reconcile things. We haven’t fallen out and are on good terms, and neither of us wants to cost the other any unnecessary money which is good, but it also makes it harder at the same time. I feel like if I hated her I could move on easily, but as it is I will simply find myself comparing any future potential partner to her and will essentially try to find another her. This is obviously not going to do me any favours in the long run. I don’t know how to overcome that though. We share so many of our interests that I know I will never find that again. It also means that it’s unlikely I will be able to get a clean break and move on; I am likely to bump into her in the future, possibly on a regular basis, and when she finds another partner I will have to deal with that. Even though I know it will kill me.
Right now my moods veer from crying, to being OK, to being angry at having my life ruined and everything taken from me, to wishing it wasn’t happening and we could turn the clock back etc. We have so much fun when we go out and we go places etc. but it seems the real life in between all that has put paid to us. The whole thing has forced to me to look long and hard at my own behaviour too. I’m a hard person to live with, definitely. I’ve been reckless with money at times, probably not listened to her enough and gone ahead and bought things anyway when she’s disagreed but also things I really don’t like about myself, such as getting angry at her for being upset about something when I don’t think she should be upset, getting angry at inanimate objects because something rolls off a surface or I drop something, going off on one when I’m late for something/can’t find something/basically cost myself time or money by not being organised yet again… I’m thinking that I need to see someone for my own good about these things, but haven’t a clue where to start. It’s strange because I’m certainly not a violent person and I have never raised a hand to her or any other partner. I don’t get into fights when I go out etc. It just seems to be something to do with not being in control of things I feel I should be in control of that gets to me like nothing else.
I genuinely hadn’t stopped to think about any of these behaviours or how s
t it could be for someone else to be around me because of them, and I believe I thought we were so perfect for each other that I’d completely taken her for granted and there was never any possibility of us splitting up and not being together in my mind.
As for where to go from here, well we are both still in the house. We recently remortgaged so there will be charges if we sell anytime soon and we don’t have a huge amount of equity because of the remortgage but there’s enough. The deposit came from her inheritance so I’m happy for her to keep the lion’s share if we sell, although she is going to find out if her mother will buy me out as an investment and to make life easier for both of us. I’ve started back at the gym as I am desperate to lose a couple of stone and I am happy to have somewhere to go for a couple of hours after work. Beyond that I don’t know what to do with myself. Relations have been strained with my family for a while now, I don’t have a big circle of friends and most of those I do have are tied down these days and not free to go out on the piss. I’ve signed up to some dating apps as I felt meeting people would distract me but I now regret doing so as I’m not ready in all honesty. I just feel so lost and I have absolutely no clue what the future holds beyond me having to buy a stty house somewhere with a small deposit and having to start my life again. The only real plus is that I’m 35 and can start again I guess. I’m sorry for the ultra long post, but it does actually help to write this out and read it back to myself.
I genuinely thought I’d found my soulmate and would be with her for the rest of my life, but just before NYE my wife announced that she was unhappy, had been for a while and wanted to separate. Apparently it was a bunch of little things that have built up over time and broken her down, until she’s reached the point that she just wants to be on her own, in her own world where she has control of everything in her environment and can go home and be solitary when she just wants to shut the world out.
The other issue which is a bit bigger, is that I want children and she did, but no longer does. She’s now 41 and so it was always a long shot, but having the door firmly closed was a bit of a blow. I suppose it’s one of those things I always feared but didn’t want to address. We had a miscarriage around two years ago and it really damaged us. I don’t know why, but it changed things between us, subconsciously. Perhaps it was the fact that she felt she had lost a child, I felt we had lost a pregnancy. I don’t know. My niece announced that she was pregnant about two weeks later…
I have tried everything I have got to win her over but she is steadfast. Because she decided this a while ago and has had time to adjust to the idea before telling me, I think that she has moved way beyond the point of being able to try and reconcile things. We haven’t fallen out and are on good terms, and neither of us wants to cost the other any unnecessary money which is good, but it also makes it harder at the same time. I feel like if I hated her I could move on easily, but as it is I will simply find myself comparing any future potential partner to her and will essentially try to find another her. This is obviously not going to do me any favours in the long run. I don’t know how to overcome that though. We share so many of our interests that I know I will never find that again. It also means that it’s unlikely I will be able to get a clean break and move on; I am likely to bump into her in the future, possibly on a regular basis, and when she finds another partner I will have to deal with that. Even though I know it will kill me.
Right now my moods veer from crying, to being OK, to being angry at having my life ruined and everything taken from me, to wishing it wasn’t happening and we could turn the clock back etc. We have so much fun when we go out and we go places etc. but it seems the real life in between all that has put paid to us. The whole thing has forced to me to look long and hard at my own behaviour too. I’m a hard person to live with, definitely. I’ve been reckless with money at times, probably not listened to her enough and gone ahead and bought things anyway when she’s disagreed but also things I really don’t like about myself, such as getting angry at her for being upset about something when I don’t think she should be upset, getting angry at inanimate objects because something rolls off a surface or I drop something, going off on one when I’m late for something/can’t find something/basically cost myself time or money by not being organised yet again… I’m thinking that I need to see someone for my own good about these things, but haven’t a clue where to start. It’s strange because I’m certainly not a violent person and I have never raised a hand to her or any other partner. I don’t get into fights when I go out etc. It just seems to be something to do with not being in control of things I feel I should be in control of that gets to me like nothing else.
I genuinely hadn’t stopped to think about any of these behaviours or how s
t it could be for someone else to be around me because of them, and I believe I thought we were so perfect for each other that I’d completely taken her for granted and there was never any possibility of us splitting up and not being together in my mind. As for where to go from here, well we are both still in the house. We recently remortgaged so there will be charges if we sell anytime soon and we don’t have a huge amount of equity because of the remortgage but there’s enough. The deposit came from her inheritance so I’m happy for her to keep the lion’s share if we sell, although she is going to find out if her mother will buy me out as an investment and to make life easier for both of us. I’ve started back at the gym as I am desperate to lose a couple of stone and I am happy to have somewhere to go for a couple of hours after work. Beyond that I don’t know what to do with myself. Relations have been strained with my family for a while now, I don’t have a big circle of friends and most of those I do have are tied down these days and not free to go out on the piss. I’ve signed up to some dating apps as I felt meeting people would distract me but I now regret doing so as I’m not ready in all honesty. I just feel so lost and I have absolutely no clue what the future holds beyond me having to buy a s
tty house somewhere with a small deposit and having to start my life again. The only real plus is that I’m 35 and can start again I guess. I’m sorry for the ultra long post, but it does actually help to write this out and read it back to myself. Apologies I am not addressing all of your post (not really my place as someone who is 40 this year and never married..), however,
"The other issue which is a bit bigger, is that I want children and she did, but no longer does. She’s now 41 and so it was always a long shot, but having the door firmly closed was a bit of a blow. I suppose it’s one of those things I always feared but didn’t want to address."
This being the case, is the closing the door of this relationship in fact not a positive when having regard to the above? One benefit (or negative, depending on your view) of being male is the capability to reproduce into later years. If its a big thing for you then perhaps this is the opportunity to pair with someone who does want children? I should imagine the child or no child thing is a huge barrier between people in relationships given life's paths can be so dramatically altered by virtue of children or no children, in almost every sense.
"The other issue which is a bit bigger, is that I want children and she did, but no longer does. She’s now 41 and so it was always a long shot, but having the door firmly closed was a bit of a blow. I suppose it’s one of those things I always feared but didn’t want to address."
This being the case, is the closing the door of this relationship in fact not a positive when having regard to the above? One benefit (or negative, depending on your view) of being male is the capability to reproduce into later years. If its a big thing for you then perhaps this is the opportunity to pair with someone who does want children? I should imagine the child or no child thing is a huge barrier between people in relationships given life's paths can be so dramatically altered by virtue of children or no children, in almost every sense.
If your both open to it try relate. Best couple of hundred pounds Ive ever spent. Difficult if one party is set on a course and not interested. It sounds like she and probably you both need a bit of counselling re the miscarriage.
Although the relate counselling was good the NHS staff counselling 3 years later when my wife was treated for cancer was slightly better for our relationship. Maybe you both have to just click with the councillor or it was just a common enemy with the cancer that meant a different dynamic.
Good luck.
Although the relate counselling was good the NHS staff counselling 3 years later when my wife was treated for cancer was slightly better for our relationship. Maybe you both have to just click with the councillor or it was just a common enemy with the cancer that meant a different dynamic.
Good luck.
I've never been in your position, but your paragraph about being angry etc hit a spot with me. I've been like that for years, often to my partner, culminating in a nasty argument one morning where she cried and I shouted at her for crying.
I went to a doctor and told him how I felt, what's been going on, the mood swings, angry, lethargy etc. He perscribed me some happy pills and I'm now in the system undergoing treatment for depression.
I would strongly advise you to do that before you do anything with your wife. It's important to look after your mental health and get yourself help before you start to reconcile and repair your relationship with your wife - not suggesting in "giving it one more go", more along the lines of maintaining an amicable working relationship.
I went to a doctor and told him how I felt, what's been going on, the mood swings, angry, lethargy etc. He perscribed me some happy pills and I'm now in the system undergoing treatment for depression.
I would strongly advise you to do that before you do anything with your wife. It's important to look after your mental health and get yourself help before you start to reconcile and repair your relationship with your wife - not suggesting in "giving it one more go", more along the lines of maintaining an amicable working relationship.
Give her a load of space and a load of time. If you mither her she will resent it.
Keep going to the Gym and keep yourself busy.
Keep on good terms with her.
Whilst it seems like the end of the world, it really isn't. It will take time, but you will get over this completely.
Don't make financial sacrifices to her in the hope of winning her back. Don't spend money on lavish gifts to try to win her back.
Go for a beer with your best mate and confide in him.
Good luck.
Keep going to the Gym and keep yourself busy.
Keep on good terms with her.
Whilst it seems like the end of the world, it really isn't. It will take time, but you will get over this completely.
Don't make financial sacrifices to her in the hope of winning her back. Don't spend money on lavish gifts to try to win her back.
Go for a beer with your best mate and confide in him.
Good luck.
As to my other thoughts - well gym is a good start for mind and physique (and there follows confidence, attractiveness etc). As for "starting again", well, with due respect you highlight the deposit was courtesy of her inheritance so whilst you may be taking a step back, you are arguably not in any different situation than you would otherwise have been in.
Life often seems fogged and full of dead ends in the situation you are in. It won't always be like that and there is light at the end of the tunnel. Seeing it is another matter.
Keep persevering with the gym, try to engage in a few other hobbies (in my case I signed back up for football on a weekend, did a cookery class, had quite a few holidays, went skydiving, learned surfing etc). Keep yourself busy. When I couldn't sleep I went for a run with headphones in playing some thumping tunes.
Sounds to me from what you said your worlds were pulling away from one another anyway so be thankful you have found yourself where you are at 35, without any baggage other than a co-owned house, with a whole host of fun and experiences ahead of you. Once you are beyond this melancholy stage, you will have an absolute blast.
Life often seems fogged and full of dead ends in the situation you are in. It won't always be like that and there is light at the end of the tunnel. Seeing it is another matter.
Keep persevering with the gym, try to engage in a few other hobbies (in my case I signed back up for football on a weekend, did a cookery class, had quite a few holidays, went skydiving, learned surfing etc). Keep yourself busy. When I couldn't sleep I went for a run with headphones in playing some thumping tunes.
Sounds to me from what you said your worlds were pulling away from one another anyway so be thankful you have found yourself where you are at 35, without any baggage other than a co-owned house, with a whole host of fun and experiences ahead of you. Once you are beyond this melancholy stage, you will have an absolute blast.
Sorry to read this. See your friends. Exercise. You will find someone who is better for you and who does want children. It's impossible to move on from a relationship without emotional baggage, but that relationship is now your past. At least, not having children, you never need to see her again.
You will feel better about this over time and, in the end, you will know that it was for the best.
You will feel better about this over time and, in the end, you will know that it was for the best.
There is a long thread where some of us posted our experiences. To summarise, it's st but gets better. Try Relate if only to agree how you separate. Get a solicitor quickly - even if you don't split, you'll learn what info you'll need if you do.
Thread here:
https://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&...
Keep posting, it helps and you'll be confused for a while. Venting here helped me a LOT. And good luck.
t but gets better. Try Relate if only to agree how you separate. Get a solicitor quickly - even if you don't split, you'll learn what info you'll need if you do.Thread here:
https://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&...
Keep posting, it helps and you'll be confused for a while. Venting here helped me a LOT. And good luck.
OP, your story is very much like mine was...
Basically, together 20 odd years, till late 30's, then got told "I don't love you anymore". Hit hard, we got back together. Don't do that, it is their time of thinking "this might be the best for me" Then they wonder if life would have been better without you, and it happens again within a year.
As bad as it sounds, I know you should move on. We did everything together from the age of about 15 - 38. Then she flipped.
Still mates
mr_spock said:
There is a long thread where some of us posted our experiences. To summarise, it's st but gets better. Try Relate if only to agree how you separate. Get a solicitor quickly - even if you don't split, you'll learn what info you'll need if you do.
Thread here:
https://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&...
Keep posting, it helps and you'll be confused for a while. Venting here helped me a LOT. And good luck.
I started that one...t but gets better. Try Relate if only to agree how you separate. Get a solicitor quickly - even if you don't split, you'll learn what info you'll need if you do.Thread here:
https://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&...
Keep posting, it helps and you'll be confused for a while. Venting here helped me a LOT. And good luck.
Basically, together 20 odd years, till late 30's, then got told "I don't love you anymore". Hit hard, we got back together. Don't do that, it is their time of thinking "this might be the best for me" Then they wonder if life would have been better without you, and it happens again within a year.
As bad as it sounds, I know you should move on. We did everything together from the age of about 15 - 38. Then she flipped.
Still mates
BTW
Read Pat H's post over and over .. Proper wisdom.
May I add
Maintain your self respect and dignity at all times.
Do not be tempted to write rambling texts, emails, notes to her.
Try to avoid acting like a dumpee.. no crying in front of her or snide comments about new dates
Consider moving out the house, e.g. short term rental, if you can, it may be finacially tight, but at least you can get going.
Ditch all that dating stuff until you're out the house and properly recovered.
This might help.... http://www.soyouvebeendumped.com/blog/10-tips-to-g...
In my experience women often plan well in advance for something like this and can seem quite clinical... I think us men take longer to get over it..
Read Pat H's post over and over .. Proper wisdom.
May I add
Maintain your self respect and dignity at all times.
Do not be tempted to write rambling texts, emails, notes to her.
Try to avoid acting like a dumpee.. no crying in front of her or snide comments about new dates
Consider moving out the house, e.g. short term rental, if you can, it may be finacially tight, but at least you can get going.
Ditch all that dating stuff until you're out the house and properly recovered.
This might help.... http://www.soyouvebeendumped.com/blog/10-tips-to-g...
In my experience women often plan well in advance for something like this and can seem quite clinical... I think us men take longer to get over it..
jpringle819 said:
Interesting to read the replies, I am in a similar position but not married. What is worse is that it is probably my fault that it happened. I have been kicking myself for throwing it all away but really struggling to cope with the separation.
Same story as you. But after 3 months and a whole lot of hurt and upset we are trying again. Scrubbing the past and start over, got relate meetings too. It’s a case of see how it goes, if it works great, if it doesn’t well we haven’t really lost anything that was already lost 3 months ago. Good luck op and others in similar situations.
35 is no age at all, and it may not feel like it right now, but it was probably for the best since she doesn't want kids any more. You've got plenty of time to get over her and meet someone new. Forget the dating apps/sites right now, you really don't sound anywhere near ready for that yet, and will probably end up regretting it. You really need to untwine your social lives though, at least until you are both totally over each other (if ever). Also makes it easier for the mutual friends who will feel stuck in the middle or end up taking sides. This always a problem when couples do everything together and they don't have any life separate from each other. When you've both moved on and got new partners, then just maybe you could overlap your social lives again. I tried to stay friends with an ex after a similar breakup, after a couple of months I realised that I was just prolonging the pain on myself by seeing her around as a friend.
As others have said, be glad you haven't got kids together. Without them it should make the divorce much easier to handle - no kids means the woman's advantage from the process is removed, so she is far less likely to be adversarial. Just ask for 50/50 unless her deposit was substantial and recent.
As others have said, be glad you haven't got kids together. Without them it should make the divorce much easier to handle - no kids means the woman's advantage from the process is removed, so she is far less likely to be adversarial. Just ask for 50/50 unless her deposit was substantial and recent.
Thanks everyone, really appreciate the replies. Although I know everyone wants to believe it, I am sure there's nobody else. At the end of the day though, would it make any difference if there was? I don't know... Not really. It would just hurt a bit more.
Re: the deposit, I'd estimate about £60k equity at the moment. I'm asking for £25k. £35k to her. I don't think that's too bad in all honesty. I know that legally I could push for more but what's the point in us both losing out to solicitors by fighting over things? We have 4 cars right now, of which I'll be keeping 3, so it's not a completely one sided affair. The remortgage actually cleared the finance on the one that had any on it too.
It's not a bad place to end up from where I started really. I'm considering moving away to another part of Yorkshire where I have existing friends from Uni that I still see fairly regularly. It gets me away from where we live now and it means I won't spend all of my time alone. It seems a good idea on paper...
As for hobbies, nothing really other than some amateur motorsport when the season starts again. I don't know if I'll have a suitable vehicle now, however!
To be completely honest, I've been about 60/40 throughout this whole thing, with wanting to stay together or wanting to split and that's purely over the kids thing. My worry is I end up meeting and having kids with a nutter. That would honestly be just my luck
Re: the deposit, I'd estimate about £60k equity at the moment. I'm asking for £25k. £35k to her. I don't think that's too bad in all honesty. I know that legally I could push for more but what's the point in us both losing out to solicitors by fighting over things? We have 4 cars right now, of which I'll be keeping 3, so it's not a completely one sided affair. The remortgage actually cleared the finance on the one that had any on it too.
It's not a bad place to end up from where I started really. I'm considering moving away to another part of Yorkshire where I have existing friends from Uni that I still see fairly regularly. It gets me away from where we live now and it means I won't spend all of my time alone. It seems a good idea on paper...
As for hobbies, nothing really other than some amateur motorsport when the season starts again. I don't know if I'll have a suitable vehicle now, however!
To be completely honest, I've been about 60/40 throughout this whole thing, with wanting to stay together or wanting to split and that's purely over the kids thing. My worry is I end up meeting and having kids with a nutter. That would honestly be just my luck
Edited by Beyond The Wall on Thursday 25th January 20:11
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