Abusive relationship or just normal?
Discussion
Posting under an alias as its less trackable.
I dont know what to do here. Had a big argument with my wife today as I am exhausted and yet again she slept into 11am. Put into context we have 3 kids under 5, my work can be long hours with on call etc and kids are up 5am to 8pm most days. I get up with them monday to friday and leave at 7 and back around 5.30 most nights but regularly called back out to work at 8 ish for a few hours. She was out all day yesterday so I was pissed she slept in.
Cross words were said back and forward and she accused me of being sharp with the kids and a crap dad. (Not wrong today they were loud and I was grumpy). Foolishly I pointed out that at least I didnt hit them in anger (she smacked the eldest a few times 4 months back, hasnt since, one hit was hard enough to bruise). She then hit me.
I dont really know what to do? Im putting it down to tiredness on both sides but im a bit shocked.
Suggestions?
I dont know what to do here. Had a big argument with my wife today as I am exhausted and yet again she slept into 11am. Put into context we have 3 kids under 5, my work can be long hours with on call etc and kids are up 5am to 8pm most days. I get up with them monday to friday and leave at 7 and back around 5.30 most nights but regularly called back out to work at 8 ish for a few hours. She was out all day yesterday so I was pissed she slept in.
Cross words were said back and forward and she accused me of being sharp with the kids and a crap dad. (Not wrong today they were loud and I was grumpy). Foolishly I pointed out that at least I didnt hit them in anger (she smacked the eldest a few times 4 months back, hasnt since, one hit was hard enough to bruise). She then hit me.
I dont really know what to do? Im putting it down to tiredness on both sides but im a bit shocked.
Suggestions?
In fairness having three under 5's all day must be absolutely mental. 7-5.30 is a bloody long day, and if you miss bedtime because you're back at work, then it makes it 7-7 five days a week. I'd don’t think you can complain if she has lie ins or days out at the weekend, but anything physical is a definite no-no.
Any family nearby who can help?
Any family nearby who can help?
Edited by essayer on Monday 29th January 08:41
There is no place for hands raised in anger in a family. This is the first and main issue you need to deal with. If she can't or won't see how wrong her actions are then you have a really big problem. Sitting down and discussing it should be you starting point, do not let her minimise or excuse it. Above all else remain calm.
If it was the other way round you would rightly be in huge trouble.
Too many people excuse female on male violence as a minor thing. Or the actions of a tired/upset/emotianl woman, as if that some how makes it ok.
If it was the other way round you would rightly be in huge trouble.
Too many people excuse female on male violence as a minor thing. Or the actions of a tired/upset/emotianl woman, as if that some how makes it ok.
KrazyIvan said:
There is no place for hands raised in anger in a family. This is the first and main issue you need to deal with. If she can't or won't see how wrong her actions are then you have a really big problem. Sitting down and discussing it should be you starting point, do not let her minimise or excuse it. Above all else remain calm.
If it was the other way round you would rightly be in huge trouble.
Too many people excuse female on male violence as a minor thing. Or the actions of a tired/upset/emotianl woman, as if that some how makes it ok.
This , all the way .If it was the other way round you would rightly be in huge trouble.
Too many people excuse female on male violence as a minor thing. Or the actions of a tired/upset/emotianl woman, as if that some how makes it ok.
Sometimes kids need a slap and so do husbands...
Don't make a mountain out of a molehill, life is hard enough without creating more drama than needed. 3 young kids will test the patience of a saint, i.e mother Theresa, you can read up.how she treated the kids I'm her care...
Calm head, deep breath, its a long road buy keep.going and accept the pot holes and imperfections. No harm done.
Don't make a mountain out of a molehill, life is hard enough without creating more drama than needed. 3 young kids will test the patience of a saint, i.e mother Theresa, you can read up.how she treated the kids I'm her care...
Calm head, deep breath, its a long road buy keep.going and accept the pot holes and imperfections. No harm done.
essayer said:
In fairness having three under 5's all day must be absolutely mental. 7-5.30 is a bloody long day, and if you miss bedtime because you're back at work, then it makes it 7-7 five days a week. I'd probably forgive a few lie ins or days out at the weekend, but anything physical is a definite no-no.
Any family nearby who can help?
Agree with this. We're going through it again as grandparents, so we've little pressure on us and are experienced, but the kids seem bonkers on a completely different level to what our own were, and we know quite a few of their friends and they're the same. We have three of them on a Monday for a few hours and even with the two of us it's an utter nightmare.Any family nearby who can help?
Better off people can just stuff them into nurseries full time. Nothing wrong with that, 'ours' go two days per week (oldest is at school) and love it but it's too expensive (especially compared to us doing it free).
You've described a situation that sounds hellish for both of you, You need to find a way to spread or relieve the load on both of you.
The hitting....well it shouldn't happen..... but as a one off out of total frustration/exhaustion it's not the end of the world. Certainly not abusive. As a pattern of behavior that would be a concern, but you've not described that
Get some time together free of the brats & talk. Talk about the strains on both of you, how you are going to manage going forward. It's not going to ease up for 10yrs or so, so you'd better start working out how you will cope together. If need be get professional help.
The hitting....well it shouldn't happen..... but as a one off out of total frustration/exhaustion it's not the end of the world. Certainly not abusive. As a pattern of behavior that would be a concern, but you've not described that
Get some time together free of the brats & talk. Talk about the strains on both of you, how you are going to manage going forward. It's not going to ease up for 10yrs or so, so you'd better start working out how you will cope together. If need be get professional help.
You sound a touch self-centred to be honest, you are tired and grumpy, she is at home all the time with three kids and is probably just as tired and wants some support rather than criticism for having a day off. There is no excuse for hitting anyone but you might want to see things from her point of view for once.
OO Beckton said:
The fact she hit you suggests that you did/said something to provoke that?
Just one of a number of examples in this thread that if the genders were reverese these would be absolute slam dunk victim blaming.Edited by OO Beckton on Sunday 28th January 22:17
However, in reality men are big lumps, and the odd slap is not going to be the thing the makes or breaks things. You probably should let her know that whilst you accept her frustration, you won't tolerate being slapped, and ask her to apologies (then duck
) I can confirm three kids under 5 is hard work, try to find a moment to break the routine for a weekend or a surprise night out. Not easy to do, but well worth it.
From your post though, I would say you probably have to re balance the workload between you, but the reality is that psychologically you are both feeling very annoyed when denied a planned lie in/break. You are irrationally more irritated that you didn't get it, than you would have been if you never thought it would happen.
essayer said:
In fairness having three under 5's all day must be absolutely mental. 7-5.30 is a bloody long day, and if you miss bedtime because you're back at work, then it makes it 7-7 five days a week. I'd don’t think you can complain if she has lie ins or days out at the weekend, but anything physical is a definite no-no.
Any family nearby who can help?
This. Any family nearby who can help?
Edited by essayer on Monday 29th January 08:41
Can you work less? Take a sabbatical drop your hours for a few years and help out more it’s only money at the end of the day you have decades to earn more but kids aren’t this small for long and your hardly seeing them. Plus there’s the relationship to think about.
hkz286 said:
Nobody should ever lay a hand on you in a relationship.
Sounds like she is prone to violent behaviour. Unless she's willing to seek help then it will probably continue.
Not only this but hitting a 4 year hard enough to bruise, that's not a slap on the hand, it's way over the line.Sounds like she is prone to violent behaviour. Unless she's willing to seek help then it will probably continue.
I've only got one 3 year old and that's hard enough, I can't imagine what three under 5 is like.
One way we deal with lie-ins is to alternate, I take a lie in on a Saturday, wife does on a Sunday, but then we rarely stay in bed past 8ish those days anyway, 11am is taking the piss and sounds more like a teenager's behaviour.
It sounds like you've got the 'I've been at home with the kids all week' kind of wife, who then thinks she can sit back, tabs out and chill for the evening and weekends. I'd hate that, I've been at work all week too, I need some time out as well, but we both know that we need to share the load.
You really need a talk to think about how you move things forward, sounds completely un-sustainable.
TBH I’d be surprised if any non-manual job is as exhausting as looking after three kids 7-7 - at least one of whom won’t nap - plus shopping, washing, ironing and all that jazz. In office jobs you get a lunch break
Also, a job brings interaction with grown ups, coffee point talk etc, career progression all outside the ‘baby bubble’. Your wife hasn’t had this for what, five years now?
Personally, with two kids, at the weekends I’m shattered and that’s with both of us there!
Are you making full use of the childcare arrangements available now? >3yo can be in 30hrs/wk childcare FOC.
Also, a job brings interaction with grown ups, coffee point talk etc, career progression all outside the ‘baby bubble’. Your wife hasn’t had this for what, five years now?
Personally, with two kids, at the weekends I’m shattered and that’s with both of us there!
Are you making full use of the childcare arrangements available now? >3yo can be in 30hrs/wk childcare FOC.
FredClogs said:
Sometimes kids need a slap and so do husbands...
Don't make a mountain out of a molehill, life is hard enough without creating more drama than needed. 3 young kids will test the patience of a saint, i.e mother Theresa, you can read up.how she treated the kids I'm her care...
Calm head, deep breath, its a long road buy keep.going and accept the pot holes and imperfections. No harm done.
what a totally shyte ignorant post of the lowest order.Don't make a mountain out of a molehill, life is hard enough without creating more drama than needed. 3 young kids will test the patience of a saint, i.e mother Theresa, you can read up.how she treated the kids I'm her care...
Calm head, deep breath, its a long road buy keep.going and accept the pot holes and imperfections. No harm done.
'sometimes kids need a slap and so do husbands'.
assault is assault is assault. this won't be the last time this person hits the children or her husband.
isn't it weird how hitting a man is deemed acceptable and he is meant to shrug it off.
No one male or female should be hit.
If you need advice or an ear then this place is good and confidential www.mankind.org.uk
If you need advice or an ear then this place is good and confidential www.mankind.org.uk
greygoose said:
You sound a touch self-centred to be honest, you are tired and grumpy, she is at home all the time with three kids and is probably just as tired and wants some support rather than criticism for having a day off. There is no excuse for hitting anyone but you might want to see things from her point of view for once.
Yes, I would admit to this.I think you both need to have a conversation.
The violence is inexcusable but I think we all make mistakes from time to time. If it's repeated then obviously not acceptable.
kurt535 said:
FredClogs said:
Sometimes kids need a slap and so do husbands...
Don't make a mountain out of a molehill, life is hard enough without creating more drama than needed. 3 young kids will test the patience of a saint, i.e mother Theresa, you can read up.how she treated the kids I'm her care...
Calm head, deep breath, its a long road buy keep.going and accept the pot holes and imperfections. No harm done.
what a totally shyte ignorant post of the lowest order.Don't make a mountain out of a molehill, life is hard enough without creating more drama than needed. 3 young kids will test the patience of a saint, i.e mother Theresa, you can read up.how she treated the kids I'm her care...
Calm head, deep breath, its a long road buy keep.going and accept the pot holes and imperfections. No harm done.
'sometimes kids need a slap and so do husbands'.
assault is assault is assault. this won't be the last time this person hits the children or her husband.
isn't it weird how hitting a man is deemed acceptable and he is meant to shrug it off.
What would you suggest? Mental health counselling because someone had a bit of a strop? A divorce? Jail?
There's no suggestion of any real threat of harm, you can catch a bruise posting a letter, its hardly the stuff of nightmares is it?
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