Witty one-liners from family/friends.
Discussion
Just wondering if anyone has any funny one-liners from friends or family members over the years?
Here is one from me:
In about 1992 I was still living at home with my mum. My older brother was visiting for the weekend. At dinner, my mum informed us:
'I went to see the 'Last of the Mohicans' yesterday.'
There was a small pause and then my brother calmly replied,
'Oh good. How is he?'.
Well, it made me laugh at the time, A LOT!
Here is one from me:
In about 1992 I was still living at home with my mum. My older brother was visiting for the weekend. At dinner, my mum informed us:
'I went to see the 'Last of the Mohicans' yesterday.'
There was a small pause and then my brother calmly replied,
'Oh good. How is he?'.
Well, it made me laugh at the time, A LOT!
While my aunt was dying, she was reliving old times with my dad (her brother) and her time in the police force was mentioned. My aunt had been quite spiteful to my dad in her last few months, despite him doing his best to help her, so I was mindful of how upset he was. She started talking about a guy called "Roger" she'd worked with in the Police, and trying to cheer my dad up I quipped "was he the bloke on the radio?"
She was too far gone to notice, my dad was biting his hand trying not to laugh.
She was too far gone to notice, my dad was biting his hand trying not to laugh.
Years ago a mate asked me to help clear some furniture from the house his parents had just sold, they were downsizing so couldn't take everything, I had a van and he was a good mate so I was doing it as a favour.
They pointed at various tables and beds and me and my mate loaded them on, they kept umming and ahring about the sofa and armchairs.
We'd been there a few hours, they were still faffing and I had somewhere else I needed to be so my mate said "Mum, make your mind up please he has to go". They still looked at each other undecided so I said "Speak now or forever hold your three piece".
All three just stared blankly at me and then carried on chatting.
Not the most devastatingly witty thing I'll admit but a small recognition wouldn't have hurt.
They pointed at various tables and beds and me and my mate loaded them on, they kept umming and ahring about the sofa and armchairs.
We'd been there a few hours, they were still faffing and I had somewhere else I needed to be so my mate said "Mum, make your mind up please he has to go". They still looked at each other undecided so I said "Speak now or forever hold your three piece".
All three just stared blankly at me and then carried on chatting.
Not the most devastatingly witty thing I'll admit but a small recognition wouldn't have hurt.
A friend, years ago was complaining about the recent dental problems she had been having. Her being a rather large lady who never made a secret of her love of food ,I commented
"I suppose in used car terms you'd have what would be described as a 'high mileage' mouth, you'd have to expect a few repairs needed with all the work it does!!!"
Even she was splitting her sides.
"I suppose in used car terms you'd have what would be described as a 'high mileage' mouth, you'd have to expect a few repairs needed with all the work it does!!!"
Even she was splitting her sides. My uncle died a couple of years back and had bought my dad a painting years ago that was worth a few quid at the time.
Sat round the table the day after the funeral, my dad looked at the painting (which obviously reminded him of his brother) and said “our David bought me that, makes you think doesn’t it? Bet it’ll be worth a few bob now though”
I replied “no dad. It’s only when the artist dies that it goes up in value”
Gallows humour works wonders for grief in my family
Sat round the table the day after the funeral, my dad looked at the painting (which obviously reminded him of his brother) and said “our David bought me that, makes you think doesn’t it? Bet it’ll be worth a few bob now though”
I replied “no dad. It’s only when the artist dies that it goes up in value”
Gallows humour works wonders for grief in my family
Jonboy_t said:
Gallows humour works wonders for grief in my family
A friend of mine was at another friend's mother's house. Her fiancé had just died in a high speed motorbike accident, so everyone was in shock and quite distraught. He was a very generous and larger than life character and they were reflecting on that. Friend rather tactlessly comes out with:'Well he certainly made an impact'
Not sure if it was gallows humour or just him sticking his foot firmly in his mouth, but they managed to laugh about it.
Is there a reason most of these are about death?
One of those rare occasions where an old joke appears in reality
Me and a mate walking past a couple of guys cutting down a large dead tree. One was up it harnessed and with a chain saw the other on the ground shifting the bits into a pile.
Me. Looks like the council are getting ripped off there
Mate why?
Me there's only two of them
Mate eh?
Me. Their van states "tree fellers" (I don't know if it did... but..)
Me and a mate walking past a couple of guys cutting down a large dead tree. One was up it harnessed and with a chain saw the other on the ground shifting the bits into a pile.
Me. Looks like the council are getting ripped off there
Mate why?
Me there's only two of them
Mate eh?
Me. Their van states "tree fellers" (I don't know if it did... but..)
When she was a kid, my wife used to walk to her grandmother's from school for lunch.
There had been a rumour that a man had been exposing himself to women in the area at the time, so her gran said, "I'll take you back to school today."
"Why's that nan?"
"Oh, some man has been disposing himself in Asylum Road."
There had been a rumour that a man had been exposing himself to women in the area at the time, so her gran said, "I'll take you back to school today."
"Why's that nan?"
"Oh, some man has been disposing himself in Asylum Road."
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