Viewing a deceased parents body - does it help or not?
Discussion
My dad died last month, it was unexpected and sudden at home on a Saturday evening. I only live around the corner from my parents so saw him dead on the kitchen floor as my mum rang me after she had called an ambulance.
The funeral director has phoned me to ask if I'd like to visit him to see my dads body - I'm unsure whether to go or not.
The last time I saw him he wasn't a pretty sight, and that horrible image is engrained on my mind. But I don't know if seeing him again will help or be worse.
I was very close to my dad, he was my best mate, my boss and the person I spoke to about anything and everything in life. We went to car shows, drives out, car owners club meetings, European driving jaunts - in effect as well as working with him I spent much of my free time with him too.
Could I ask, if you've lost a parent or loved one, did seeing them help your grief or not?
The funeral director has phoned me to ask if I'd like to visit him to see my dads body - I'm unsure whether to go or not.
The last time I saw him he wasn't a pretty sight, and that horrible image is engrained on my mind. But I don't know if seeing him again will help or be worse.
I was very close to my dad, he was my best mate, my boss and the person I spoke to about anything and everything in life. We went to car shows, drives out, car owners club meetings, European driving jaunts - in effect as well as working with him I spent much of my free time with him too.
Could I ask, if you've lost a parent or loved one, did seeing them help your grief or not?
I went to see my grandad after he’d been prepared.
When I saw him in the hospital when he died it was like it was him, he was peaceful, warm and just (although it’s a cliche) looked fast asleep. I expected him to look at me and say ‘alright Our kid’ but he was gone.
When I saw him at the funeral parlour he was a different guy, cleaned shaved, hair done, smartened up (which he rarely was
) but gaunt, smaller somehow and not like him.
I went with my gran so she had someone strong to pick her up, I like to think I’m the most emotionally stable men ever of the family. But it was still odd, I didn’t feel like it was him as it had been so long since I saw him as ‘him’
It depends on your view of life, I didn’t do it for any reason other than to say goodbye to him and to be there for my gran.
I’m still unsure if it was the right thing to do.
When I saw him in the hospital when he died it was like it was him, he was peaceful, warm and just (although it’s a cliche) looked fast asleep. I expected him to look at me and say ‘alright Our kid’ but he was gone.
When I saw him at the funeral parlour he was a different guy, cleaned shaved, hair done, smartened up (which he rarely was
) but gaunt, smaller somehow and not like him.I went with my gran so she had someone strong to pick her up, I like to think I’m the most emotionally stable men ever of the family. But it was still odd, I didn’t feel like it was him as it had been so long since I saw him as ‘him’
It depends on your view of life, I didn’t do it for any reason other than to say goodbye to him and to be there for my gran.
I’m still unsure if it was the right thing to do.
I don't know the answer - everyone is different.
I suspect your father will look as if he's asleep - and you could ask the funeral director how he looks before finally deciding.
Would it be better for you to replace the image you have in your mind? Possibly.
I am very sorry for your loss, it must be devastating for you all.
I suspect your father will look as if he's asleep - and you could ask the funeral director how he looks before finally deciding.
Would it be better for you to replace the image you have in your mind? Possibly.
I am very sorry for your loss, it must be devastating for you all.
PH5121 said:
My dad died last month, it was unexpected and sudden at home on a Saturday evening. I only live around the corner from my parents so saw him dead on the kitchen floor as my mum rang me after she had called an ambulance.
The funeral director has phoned me to ask if I'd like to visit him to see my dads body - I'm unsure whether to go or not.
The last time I saw him he wasn't a pretty sight, and that horrible image is engrained on my mind. But I don't know if seeing him again will help or be worse.
I was very close to my dad, he was my best mate, my boss and the person I spoke to about anything and everything in life. We went to car shows, drives out, car owners club meetings, European driving jaunts - in effect as well as working with him I spent much of my free time with him too.
Could I ask, if you've lost a parent or loved one, did seeing them help your grief or not?
He will still look a bit different but you have more time to prepare yourself and can 'relax' with him. I didn't want to see my dad after he died but I'm glad I did as it gave me closure.The funeral director has phoned me to ask if I'd like to visit him to see my dads body - I'm unsure whether to go or not.
The last time I saw him he wasn't a pretty sight, and that horrible image is engrained on my mind. But I don't know if seeing him again will help or be worse.
I was very close to my dad, he was my best mate, my boss and the person I spoke to about anything and everything in life. We went to car shows, drives out, car owners club meetings, European driving jaunts - in effect as well as working with him I spent much of my free time with him too.
Could I ask, if you've lost a parent or loved one, did seeing them help your grief or not?
IMO there's no correct answer, you just have to make a decision that you're comfortable with.
Sorry for your loss.
Firstly - very sorry for your loss. Never easy losing a parent, especially if you've had what sounds like an excellent, close relationship.
I saw my Dad a couple of minutes after he died and it was etched on my concious mind for a long long time. I am not sure seeing him again would have helped me - but it's very personal. If you don't feel you've had a chance to say goodbye - or think it may help you to accept what has happened, then consider it - but take someone you're close to as support.
I saw my Dad a couple of minutes after he died and it was etched on my concious mind for a long long time. I am not sure seeing him again would have helped me - but it's very personal. If you don't feel you've had a chance to say goodbye - or think it may help you to accept what has happened, then consider it - but take someone you're close to as support.
I’ve had 2 partners who went to see their fathers after they passed. One took great comfort from it, the other found it really hard.
I don’t know what I’d do so I guess to never easy but ultimately it’s a decision you have to make yourself but deep down I suspect you know the answer already.
Good luck.
I don’t know what I’d do so I guess to never easy but ultimately it’s a decision you have to make yourself but deep down I suspect you know the answer already.
Good luck.
PH5121 said:
Could I ask, if you've lost a parent or loved one, did seeing them help your grief or not?
I watched my dad's health deteriorate, I watched him suffer the cancer and the chemo, and I watched him take his last breath. I also went to view his body. It's not something I'd buy tickets for but I think it needs to be done. You may well regret not doing it. I don't know if I regret doing it or if it helped me. I think it helped my mum and sister, though.That said, everyone needs to mourn in their own way.
This is one of those difficult things that only you can decide. The awful image you have of him when he died will fade, and be replaced by the more realistic ones you have from your 'normal' times together, so that last sight won't be as much of a factor in time. When my father died (overseas, and was flown back), my brothers went to see him and I chose not to. I'd do the same again.
I've seen quite a lot of dead people, some of them close to me, and all have been diminished in some way. It's almost too obviously trite to say, but when the life has gone, the person, the 'spirit' or whatever, has gone too and the viewing of the 'container' offered me nothing of value. Treasure the wonderful memories of when it was good.
I've seen quite a lot of dead people, some of them close to me, and all have been diminished in some way. It's almost too obviously trite to say, but when the life has gone, the person, the 'spirit' or whatever, has gone too and the viewing of the 'container' offered me nothing of value. Treasure the wonderful memories of when it was good.
I am very sorry for your loss.
I was at my Father's bedside in hospital when he died and his loss was the hardest thing i've ever faced in my 48 years. Although his death was fairly swift and he was only was in hospital for a week - it' was truly traumatic for my two Sisters and Mother.
I preferred to have remembered him as he was - which was a strong 6'3 imposing man so i didn't visit him at the Funeral Directors. My younger sister did but on reflection now wishes she hadn't as she didn't recognise him as our Father. As someone else had posted, he'd been "prepared" but was a shadow of the tall strong man that he was in life.
Your choice and i guess may have it's merits if your memory is tainted by the view of him shortly after he left you.
I was at my Father's bedside in hospital when he died and his loss was the hardest thing i've ever faced in my 48 years. Although his death was fairly swift and he was only was in hospital for a week - it' was truly traumatic for my two Sisters and Mother.
I preferred to have remembered him as he was - which was a strong 6'3 imposing man so i didn't visit him at the Funeral Directors. My younger sister did but on reflection now wishes she hadn't as she didn't recognise him as our Father. As someone else had posted, he'd been "prepared" but was a shadow of the tall strong man that he was in life.
Your choice and i guess may have it's merits if your memory is tainted by the view of him shortly after he left you.
Dad died in front of me when I was 11. No one else around for some time so it’s pretty sorely etched on my mind.
At that age, it was deemed too upsetting for me to view his body afterwards - not sure who made the decision but I think my mum and me should have had the choice.
I’m not sure it would’ve made much of a difference but I do think about it sometimes, even though it was 25 years ago.
At that age, it was deemed too upsetting for me to view his body afterwards - not sure who made the decision but I think my mum and me should have had the choice.
I’m not sure it would’ve made much of a difference but I do think about it sometimes, even though it was 25 years ago.
Everyone's different, just go with what feels right to you, there is no right or wrong.
When my Dad died of bowel cancer he was a nothing like his former self as due to it causing him to waste away, he was thin, gaunt, and jaundiced. I saw him in the hospice probably about an hour after. Something I'll never forget but I do try to blank it from my memory and remember the good times. I didn't want to see him at the funeral directors as I thought it would only reinforce the bad memory. My Mum did go though.
Sorry for your loss
When my Dad died of bowel cancer he was a nothing like his former self as due to it causing him to waste away, he was thin, gaunt, and jaundiced. I saw him in the hospice probably about an hour after. Something I'll never forget but I do try to blank it from my memory and remember the good times. I didn't want to see him at the funeral directors as I thought it would only reinforce the bad memory. My Mum did go though.
Sorry for your loss
Really sorry to hear about your dad OP. I lost my dad in 2005 and saw him just after he had passed away. As mentioned he just looked as though he was asleep.
I did go to see him a few days later in the chapel of rest, was wearing a t-shirt I'd bought him and looked very peaceful. My mum held his hand but I refused to as I knew he would feel cold and wasn't something I wanted to do.
Everyone is different though and it very much depends on your feelings. I found the time between him passing and the funeral was a very very odd phase, not feeling sad obviously not happy but just rather numb.
All the best OP.
I did go to see him a few days later in the chapel of rest, was wearing a t-shirt I'd bought him and looked very peaceful. My mum held his hand but I refused to as I knew he would feel cold and wasn't something I wanted to do.
Everyone is different though and it very much depends on your feelings. I found the time between him passing and the funeral was a very very odd phase, not feeling sad obviously not happy but just rather numb.
All the best OP.
Hoofy said:
I watched my dad's health deteriorate, I watched him suffer the cancer and the chemo, and I watched him take his last breath. I also went to view his body. It's not something I'd buy tickets for but I think it needs to be done. You may well regret not doing it. I don't know if I regret doing it or if it helped me. I think it helped my mum and sister, though.
That said, everyone needs to mourn in their own way.
Exactly the same as me with my wife. Great post Hoofy - couldn’t have put it better myself. That said, everyone needs to mourn in their own way.
We're all different and the circumstances of the deaths themselves varies hugely too, so there are no right or wrong answers. In my case I was with my Dad when he died in hospital after a long illness. As a result his death was no surprise and indeed in many ways a relief. I don't regret seeing his body at the funeral directors at all, but compared to the weeks running up to his death it wasn't a particularly important event and doesn't really stick out in my memory.
I can easily see it could have been really important had the death come out of the blue. If part of you can't quite believe someone has gone, seeing their body can help one accept it more deeply. It isn't gruesome or visually shocking, but equally it is very obvious that the person has died. They are completely still, and without blood pressure they look like they've shrunk a little.
Very sorry to hear of your loss.
I can easily see it could have been really important had the death come out of the blue. If part of you can't quite believe someone has gone, seeing their body can help one accept it more deeply. It isn't gruesome or visually shocking, but equally it is very obvious that the person has died. They are completely still, and without blood pressure they look like they've shrunk a little.
Very sorry to hear of your loss.
I hadnt seen my father for a year before he died when he was healthy and happy. My mother wanted me to see him in the Chapel of Rest. I saw the body of a very ill man and would rather have had the older memory, as selfish as this sounds.
I am really sorry for your loss, he sounds like a great bloke and an even better dad. Losing my father was the worse pain I have been through, rejoice in his life and hold the memories close.
I am really sorry for your loss, he sounds like a great bloke and an even better dad. Losing my father was the worse pain I have been through, rejoice in his life and hold the memories close.
Edited by Robbo 27 on Monday 5th February 10:58
A friend once said 'go into any room of people, and there's tragedy right under the surface'.
This thread is evidence of this. Some very sad stories. Particularly those that talk of once tall and strong fathers, reduced and humbled by disease. True in the case of my dad too.
OP, there's some good advice on here. Follow your instincts and as someone posted, take someone with you - it might be very helpful.
Good luck and sorry once more that you're going through this.
This thread is evidence of this. Some very sad stories. Particularly those that talk of once tall and strong fathers, reduced and humbled by disease. True in the case of my dad too.
OP, there's some good advice on here. Follow your instincts and as someone posted, take someone with you - it might be very helpful.
Good luck and sorry once more that you're going through this.
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