Being an only child
Discussion
Bit of a strange one this, but I would like some feedback from those of you who were raised as only children.
My wife and I have a lovely daughter who is 7 months old and over the weekend we were discussing whether or not to have another. To be honest, the last 7 months has been pretty hard going with a difficult labour, the usual baby sleep issues, undiagnosed tongue tie leading to massive problems with bre ast feeding and various other family issues such as the M-I-L dying, amoungst other things.
Before we had the baby our intention was always to try for two. However, now we are not so sure - the memories of going through it all are still fresh (!) and also we had our eyes opened widely with how the risk of birth defects and various conditions significantly increases with every year past 30 (we're 33) when we got the letter with the risk profile after the first scan. My wife and I both have siblings and the thinking was that it would be nice for my daughter to be able to experience the bond a sibling offers. There's no financial considerations or anything like that influencing the decision, btw.
My question, to those of you without a sibling, is do you feel like you have missed out in any way by not having one? Has it made your life harder or more lonely do you think? Or, alternatively are you glad you didn't have somebody elses hand-me-downs and have to share?
I know it's difficult to miss what you've never had, but I'm interested in your views.
Cheers
My wife and I have a lovely daughter who is 7 months old and over the weekend we were discussing whether or not to have another. To be honest, the last 7 months has been pretty hard going with a difficult labour, the usual baby sleep issues, undiagnosed tongue tie leading to massive problems with bre ast feeding and various other family issues such as the M-I-L dying, amoungst other things.
Before we had the baby our intention was always to try for two. However, now we are not so sure - the memories of going through it all are still fresh (!) and also we had our eyes opened widely with how the risk of birth defects and various conditions significantly increases with every year past 30 (we're 33) when we got the letter with the risk profile after the first scan. My wife and I both have siblings and the thinking was that it would be nice for my daughter to be able to experience the bond a sibling offers. There's no financial considerations or anything like that influencing the decision, btw.
My question, to those of you without a sibling, is do you feel like you have missed out in any way by not having one? Has it made your life harder or more lonely do you think? Or, alternatively are you glad you didn't have somebody elses hand-me-downs and have to share?
I know it's difficult to miss what you've never had, but I'm interested in your views.
Cheers
I am an only child and don't see any drawbacks at all. In fact I had a better more "grown up" relationship with my parents at a far earlier stage than my peers did. I have always had close friends as well who I saw often so I was never really on my own.
I also found that I am happy in my own company when needs be which is something a few of my friends with siblings have difficulty with. If / when the time comes, my preference would be to only have one child.
It is nothing to worry about!
I also found that I am happy in my own company when needs be which is something a few of my friends with siblings have difficulty with. If / when the time comes, my preference would be to only have one child.
It is nothing to worry about!
As an only child with an only child, I never really saw it as anything other than an advantage.
The advantages are you never have to share, you enjoy your own company, you make friends which you don't have to live with and you tend to get more things that couldn't be done if you had siblings (private education, etc).
Which over simplifies things rather.
The not sharing things can lead to spoilt selfishness which needs to be 'managed'. I know I could be quite selfish at times as a child and I see it in my son too. I found that because I was an only child, I was in adult company a lot (same again for my son) which leads to a much more mature personality. An ability to behave in adult company and hold a level of conversation far beyond their years. I mention the private education, it was obviously, a personal choice, but there is no way I could afford to send more than one to the school, so if Joe had any brothers and sisters, he would be in the state system. I have always enjoyed my own company, whether making Airfix kits or messing about with cars/motorbikes when older or just reading/watching TV. My son is the same, but with xBox or in his room. He has (as I do) a good circle of friends, and a few really close friends. I think you make some really good close friends when you are an only child.
The downsides are that there is only you to look after your parents in their old age, there is a lot of responsibility that you cannot share with your siblings, but also there is not the falling out with your siblings either.
For some reason people seem to see only children as somehow disadvantaged because they have no brothers and sisters. I've always viewed it the other way around.
The advantages are you never have to share, you enjoy your own company, you make friends which you don't have to live with and you tend to get more things that couldn't be done if you had siblings (private education, etc).
Which over simplifies things rather.
The not sharing things can lead to spoilt selfishness which needs to be 'managed'. I know I could be quite selfish at times as a child and I see it in my son too. I found that because I was an only child, I was in adult company a lot (same again for my son) which leads to a much more mature personality. An ability to behave in adult company and hold a level of conversation far beyond their years. I mention the private education, it was obviously, a personal choice, but there is no way I could afford to send more than one to the school, so if Joe had any brothers and sisters, he would be in the state system. I have always enjoyed my own company, whether making Airfix kits or messing about with cars/motorbikes when older or just reading/watching TV. My son is the same, but with xBox or in his room. He has (as I do) a good circle of friends, and a few really close friends. I think you make some really good close friends when you are an only child.
The downsides are that there is only you to look after your parents in their old age, there is a lot of responsibility that you cannot share with your siblings, but also there is not the falling out with your siblings either.
For some reason people seem to see only children as somehow disadvantaged because they have no brothers and sisters. I've always viewed it the other way around.
Tyre Smoke said:
The downsides are that there is only you to look after your parents in their old age, there is a lot of responsibility that you cannot share with your siblings, but also there is not the falling out with your siblings either.
I'm an only child, as is my dad and the downside above is the only one I'm aware of. My parents are retired, early 60s and spend a lot of their time looking after my grandfather - cooking, washing that kind of thing. My gran died in January, and basically my father as the only child has had to deal with everything; the upside of which is that there has been no sibling arguments over the headstone, will etc.I'm not planning on having kids myself as I'm quite selfish and want to do what I want to do in my spare time, but I look at my parents and wonder who'll help me in 40-odd years...
I had a sister a little older than me who was away for years at a time so it's a bit of both for me.
I would've been absolutely fine being an only child, but then again I never liked my sister or my parents so didn't want to be the focus of anyone's attention.
The people I've been in relationships with who were only children were all lacking... something. That may be more to do with each individual circumstance but there is a dynamic they're never exposed to which can't be replicated.
I would've been absolutely fine being an only child, but then again I never liked my sister or my parents so didn't want to be the focus of anyone's attention.
The people I've been in relationships with who were only children were all lacking... something. That may be more to do with each individual circumstance but there is a dynamic they're never exposed to which can't be replicated.
SD_1 said:
I am an only child and don't see any drawbacks at all. In fact I had a better more "grown up" relationship with my parents at a far earlier stage than my peers did. I have always had close friends as well who I saw often so I was never really on my own.
I also found that I am happy in my own company when needs be which is something a few of my friends with siblings have difficulty with. If / when the time comes, my preference would be to only have one child.
It is nothing to worry about!
I was about to reply then I read this. It's what I was going to write more or less.I also found that I am happy in my own company when needs be which is something a few of my friends with siblings have difficulty with. If / when the time comes, my preference would be to only have one child.
It is nothing to worry about!
The liking your own company thing is really important to me. I love being in company but if not, I'm never lonely.
Dealing with the death of my parents and their old age before that wasn't great but friends with siblings often have it tougher. I've heard a few stories of siblings falling out. The one who lives closer does most of the work with the folks and that breeds resentment.
You also have to consider that in adult life siblings often go their own way, marry move on, find success or failure, develop different interests.
But equally some siblings get on in later life as friends.
Edited by Wildcat45 on Monday 9th April 10:30
A slightly different perspective - as parents of an only child, a few years further down the line than you.
We have the one boy, who's now 7. At the time, we hadn't really thought beyond having one (we left it quite late compared to most). The doctor told us after labour, that complications meant that we were very lucky to have the one we'd had - so that made our mind up not to try for another.
On the one hand I feel that we have given him the best of starts - because he's not had to share our attention with another new born (I've seen a few kids affected by the realisation that they're no longer the bee's knees they once were). He seems happy enough, and is doing well at school.
On the negative side, friendship groups etc. can be a bit tricky sometimes as they're developing, because if you have a sibling you have a ready made best friend. Sometimes he's had to work quite hard to be accepted - and talking to other parents in the same situation, it seems this is quite a normal thing. It also means we have to work hard to keep him entertained 24/7. If I talk to my friends have have 2 or more kids, they get to the age where (between the arguments!) they do entertain each other to a certain extent.
My biggest fear for his future is what happens when bad things start to happen to us. My wife's mother has been seriously ill for over a year, and she's struggling to cope with the fallout - and that's with 3 siblings involved. My concern is that my son will have to deal with our old age on his own, and it makes your heart sink a little when you think about it. But then one hopes that'll be many years down the line, and he'll have a family of his own to support him.
We have the one boy, who's now 7. At the time, we hadn't really thought beyond having one (we left it quite late compared to most). The doctor told us after labour, that complications meant that we were very lucky to have the one we'd had - so that made our mind up not to try for another.
On the one hand I feel that we have given him the best of starts - because he's not had to share our attention with another new born (I've seen a few kids affected by the realisation that they're no longer the bee's knees they once were). He seems happy enough, and is doing well at school.
On the negative side, friendship groups etc. can be a bit tricky sometimes as they're developing, because if you have a sibling you have a ready made best friend. Sometimes he's had to work quite hard to be accepted - and talking to other parents in the same situation, it seems this is quite a normal thing. It also means we have to work hard to keep him entertained 24/7. If I talk to my friends have have 2 or more kids, they get to the age where (between the arguments!) they do entertain each other to a certain extent.
My biggest fear for his future is what happens when bad things start to happen to us. My wife's mother has been seriously ill for over a year, and she's struggling to cope with the fallout - and that's with 3 siblings involved. My concern is that my son will have to deal with our old age on his own, and it makes your heart sink a little when you think about it. But then one hopes that'll be many years down the line, and he'll have a family of his own to support him.
Growing up as an only child was never an issue but looking back as an adult I would have liked a sibling of a similar age. Having seen how my wife relates to her slightly younger brother and how close my two kids are I feel I missed out a bit.
However I have other relatives with siblings where there is a big age difference and (I guess) because they didn't share the same experiences together the bond seems less.
However I have other relatives with siblings where there is a big age difference and (I guess) because they didn't share the same experiences together the bond seems less.
I was an only child for 14 years, so I guess that mostly counts.
Can't see a problem with it, it's all down to parenting surely?
My wife had a brother a few years older, didn't do her any harm.
My wife and I have two children, 12 and 10. I think if you're aiming for more than one child, get the second in quickly, that way, those stages you go through are close and easier to manage....prams and buggies go, child seats go, they can walk without you carrying both.
Friends have children further apart.....even the 8 year old wants a carry if the 3 year old is getting one!
Ours bicker like any siblings, but on the whole they're okay, rounded, polite, well mannered, share, can hold a conversation...like any decent well brought up child.
I don't think the presence or absence of a sibling makes any difference other than financial contraints. I think a family of 4 works better...if only for the Disneyland effect....rides are always in twos lol! I'd hate to be riding solo whilst wife got to go on ride with son or daughter...
Can't see a problem with it, it's all down to parenting surely?
My wife had a brother a few years older, didn't do her any harm.
My wife and I have two children, 12 and 10. I think if you're aiming for more than one child, get the second in quickly, that way, those stages you go through are close and easier to manage....prams and buggies go, child seats go, they can walk without you carrying both.
Friends have children further apart.....even the 8 year old wants a carry if the 3 year old is getting one!
Ours bicker like any siblings, but on the whole they're okay, rounded, polite, well mannered, share, can hold a conversation...like any decent well brought up child.
I don't think the presence or absence of a sibling makes any difference other than financial contraints. I think a family of 4 works better...if only for the Disneyland effect....rides are always in twos lol! I'd hate to be riding solo whilst wife got to go on ride with son or daughter...
The grass is always greener.
SWMBO is an only child, has an idealised utpoian view of siblings, and feels she missed out badly.
I have an 18mo younger brother, who I try to avoid as far as possible.
She has now lost both of her parents - being an only child means no sibling to share the work and emotion with, but it means nobody to share the inheritance with...
But...
My old man's in a care home with advanced dementia, and my brother doesn't give a toss, so I've done everything there.
SWMBO is an only child, has an idealised utpoian view of siblings, and feels she missed out badly.
I have an 18mo younger brother, who I try to avoid as far as possible.
She has now lost both of her parents - being an only child means no sibling to share the work and emotion with, but it means nobody to share the inheritance with...
But...
My old man's in a care home with advanced dementia, and my brother doesn't give a toss, so I've done everything there.
Edited by TooMany2cvs on Monday 9th April 10:49
We’ve had the same conversation as the OP recently. Although our daughter is now 3.5yrs.
My OH is a single child and feels she missed out, I’m not but there is 9yrs between my sister and I, so may as well have been one.
Personally I think it’s better to just have the one, I have friends with 2 and 3 kids and life just seems and nightmare, holidays are painful and obviously the costs are multiplied up and I genuinely don’t see the additional gain.
My OH is a single child and feels she missed out, I’m not but there is 9yrs between my sister and I, so may as well have been one.
Personally I think it’s better to just have the one, I have friends with 2 and 3 kids and life just seems and nightmare, holidays are painful and obviously the costs are multiplied up and I genuinely don’t see the additional gain.
In all honesty, I don't feel as though I've missed out by being an only child. Instead, I have 2 very close friends who I consider to be my surrogate Brother and Sister - They'd drop everything for me, as I would do the same for them. I've known them for years and we see each other frequently. In fact, I usually see my Brother-from-another-Mother once every week for beers, F1 etc.
I understand it's not quite the same, but I feel by growing up alone I became more mature at a younger age (which helped me obtain my first decent job at 17!) and I'm able to cope with being by myself. I still enjoy occasionally being by myself, which my fiancee cannot understand! She has a sibling.
Looking after parents in old age? Yes - It's going to be tricky. I've seen it first hand with my parents (both only children) looking after their parents. It can be almost a full time job. However having a sibling is no guarantee that they will be of any help - might even hinder!
I have friends who live with their siblings to share the mortgage costs. I have friends who don't see their siblings often due to distances. I also have friends who absolutely hate their sibling and have not spoken to them in years. It's a bit of a gamble.
How you proceed is completely up to you and your other half!
I understand it's not quite the same, but I feel by growing up alone I became more mature at a younger age (which helped me obtain my first decent job at 17!) and I'm able to cope with being by myself. I still enjoy occasionally being by myself, which my fiancee cannot understand! She has a sibling.
Looking after parents in old age? Yes - It's going to be tricky. I've seen it first hand with my parents (both only children) looking after their parents. It can be almost a full time job. However having a sibling is no guarantee that they will be of any help - might even hinder!
I have friends who live with their siblings to share the mortgage costs. I have friends who don't see their siblings often due to distances. I also have friends who absolutely hate their sibling and have not spoken to them in years. It's a bit of a gamble.
How you proceed is completely up to you and your other half!
I'm an only child, and in comparison to all the people around me I am a little odd I think. Everyone else seems to have the incessant need for company, and I do not. If I'm away on business I'm really happy to just be on my own and have dinner and watch something or read forums etc.. where-as everyone else wants to meet up to fly together, be together all the time. And I've noticed it isn't particularly because they enjoy each others company, but just the thought of being on their own seems to bother them. I'm not a complete hermit and will of course go out but with people, but only those that I like unless I'm effectively forced into joining in.
Although I don't really feel lonely, it IS lonely in that you only have yourself to rely on especially as your parents pass away. And to this extent I deliberately had a second child to try and ensure that my daughters would always have each other (hopefully).
Although I don't really feel lonely, it IS lonely in that you only have yourself to rely on especially as your parents pass away. And to this extent I deliberately had a second child to try and ensure that my daughters would always have each other (hopefully).
boxst said:
I'm an only child, and in comparison to all the people around me I am a little odd I think. Everyone else seems to have the incessant need for company, and I do not. If I'm away on business I'm really happy to just be on my own and have dinner and watch something or read forums etc.. where-as everyone else wants to meet up to fly together, be together all the time. And I've noticed it isn't particularly because they enjoy each others company, but just the thought of being on their own seems to bother them. I'm not a complete hermit and will of course go out but with people, but only those that I like unless I'm effectively forced into joining in.
Although I don't really feel lonely, it IS lonely in that you only have yourself to rely on especially as your parents pass away. And to this extent I deliberately had a second child to try and ensure that my daughters would always have each other (hopefully).
Ha that sounds familiar.Although I don't really feel lonely, it IS lonely in that you only have yourself to rely on especially as your parents pass away. And to this extent I deliberately had a second child to try and ensure that my daughters would always have each other (hopefully).
Only children in my experience are very happy with their own company - I know I am. I like being with groups but will happily spend a week on my own!
That said, we have 2 children with a 4 year age gap and it's working so far. The eldest is very protective of her younger sister.
Give it 6 months and see if you feel the same. I found the first 6-7 months really hard and not that enjoyable. Then suddenly they start recognising you, developing a personality and becoming a little person rather than a sleeping/crying/pooing machine. I would have said the same thing at the 7 month stage then we completely changed our minds and have 2, with a 2 year age gap. So glad to have got that first stage over and done with, couldn't do it again.
Everone's different though, some people are happy with one and it's all good, some people end up with 5 kids and still want more.
Everone's different though, some people are happy with one and it's all good, some people end up with 5 kids and still want more.
As an only child there are/were positives and negatives. I do think that it naturally depends on what kind of character you are as to whether you benefit or not. You dont know until its too late I guess.
For me positives were:
Excellent relationships with adults, far more mature for my age and responsible and comfortable in the company of adults. My parents were always complimented on my behaviour etc
Developed greater imagination/creativity as you play on your own so have to entertain yourself
I got to go to a decent school. Parents wouldnt have been able to afford to send two kids there.
Stuff like not having to share a bedroom/toys etc I guess
Negatives:
Bored and lonely so often as a child
Desperately craved friends/relationships as an adult (unlike other only children here, never liked time on my own)
Fed up of constantly being told I must be spoilt. (I wasnt)
Awkward around other children my own age I didnt know.
The fascination of not knowing what a sibling would be like/look like
Knowing that when my parents die, I have to deal with it on my own (my mother also an only child and said this was her one difficulty as only child)
Bad relationship with father as I had no siblings to argue with/ take aggression out on etc
Overall I guess Im fine with it and it seems to be a lot more normal now to just have one child as parents are older whereas I felt it was unusual growing up (Im 44 now). Certainly dont think its anything to worry about if you dont want another kid for other reasons. Good luck :-)
For me positives were:
Excellent relationships with adults, far more mature for my age and responsible and comfortable in the company of adults. My parents were always complimented on my behaviour etc
Developed greater imagination/creativity as you play on your own so have to entertain yourself
I got to go to a decent school. Parents wouldnt have been able to afford to send two kids there.
Stuff like not having to share a bedroom/toys etc I guess
Negatives:
Bored and lonely so often as a child
Desperately craved friends/relationships as an adult (unlike other only children here, never liked time on my own)
Fed up of constantly being told I must be spoilt. (I wasnt)
Awkward around other children my own age I didnt know.
The fascination of not knowing what a sibling would be like/look like
Knowing that when my parents die, I have to deal with it on my own (my mother also an only child and said this was her one difficulty as only child)
Bad relationship with father as I had no siblings to argue with/ take aggression out on etc
Overall I guess Im fine with it and it seems to be a lot more normal now to just have one child as parents are older whereas I felt it was unusual growing up (Im 44 now). Certainly dont think its anything to worry about if you dont want another kid for other reasons. Good luck :-)
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