Relationship advice
Discussion
As with all major decisions in life, I turn to PH to make it for me.
Short version; currently 26, with GF for ~9 years through uni and numerous house moves, both working and doing relatively well for our age. Just bought a house (1st for both of us). She probably wants kids immediately, me less in a rush. Neither interested in marriage (overpriced certificate).
Now, I always have been and probably always will be a commitophobe. I cannot make big decisions for fear of not being able to keep my options open. The house purchase has opened up the floodgates to my overthinking brain and I'm questioning the future. Originally I thought I'd list what I was worried about but I'm not sure that's productive so...
Any advice on deciding if a relationship is a goer? And I mean properly, start a family and settle type thing.
Appreciate it.
Short version; currently 26, with GF for ~9 years through uni and numerous house moves, both working and doing relatively well for our age. Just bought a house (1st for both of us). She probably wants kids immediately, me less in a rush. Neither interested in marriage (overpriced certificate).
Now, I always have been and probably always will be a commitophobe. I cannot make big decisions for fear of not being able to keep my options open. The house purchase has opened up the floodgates to my overthinking brain and I'm questioning the future. Originally I thought I'd list what I was worried about but I'm not sure that's productive so...
Any advice on deciding if a relationship is a goer? And I mean properly, start a family and settle type thing.
Appreciate it.
9 years and you're still not sure? Bought a house together but you're still not sure? Blimey.
In my experience you just know. I've had previous long term relationships that I figured were going to be the one to last (one of seven years), but ultimately they fizzled out. However they felt very different to the current one who I actually got round to marrying, and although we've still not decided on kids yet (no rush, she's nearly ten years my junior) there's not been any hesitation in my mind that feels much more 'right'. 14 years in and we're still going.
I'd say you're ready for someone else, personally. Being together from such a young age has meant you're incredibly different from the people you were, so maybe time to make a decision one way or another. Or just bimble along and see what happens, and I don't mean that negatively either: It can be a good thing too.
In my experience you just know. I've had previous long term relationships that I figured were going to be the one to last (one of seven years), but ultimately they fizzled out. However they felt very different to the current one who I actually got round to marrying, and although we've still not decided on kids yet (no rush, she's nearly ten years my junior) there's not been any hesitation in my mind that feels much more 'right'. 14 years in and we're still going.
I'd say you're ready for someone else, personally. Being together from such a young age has meant you're incredibly different from the people you were, so maybe time to make a decision one way or another. Or just bimble along and see what happens, and I don't mean that negatively either: It can be a good thing too.
You’ve just bought a house together.....having been together 9 years
And now you are asking strangers on the internet if you are ready to commit.....or if the relationship is a goer?
Hmmmm....it’s not that you are a commitment phobe it sounds like you can’t make a decision
Well What’s the point in keeping options open if when the time comes to take one you never take it, because it may close down others - which it becomes increasingly pointless having becausenyou never use them for fear of losing it.
It’s Very PH in fairness, but that’s usually money.
And now you are asking strangers on the internet if you are ready to commit.....or if the relationship is a goer?
Hmmmm....it’s not that you are a commitment phobe it sounds like you can’t make a decision
Well What’s the point in keeping options open if when the time comes to take one you never take it, because it may close down others - which it becomes increasingly pointless having becausenyou never use them for fear of losing it.
It’s Very PH in fairness, but that’s usually money.
2 sMoKiN bArReLs said:
How could the added pressure of children ever help if you are unsure?
See how things evolve.
Mind you...I'm nearly 60 & have only just moved in with my g/f after 28 years, so I'm worse than you!
fSee how things evolve.
Mind you...I'm nearly 60 & have only just moved in with my g/f after 28 years, so I'm worse than you!
k. I'm pointing my GF to this post. We've been together 5 years and I'm getting earache about moving in to hers (problem from my viewpoint is I've lived alone a long time, I have a lot of stuff I like and 5 cars, I do things the way I like. She may love me but she's not going to tolerate all my quirks and her house is a busy place, 4 kids, 2 dogs. In my house, just me)If you’re not sure then I wouldn’t bother. And if she wants kids and you don’t, then you’re only delaying the inevitable by not acting now. Wanting a child is a very powerful set of hormonal and emotional factors for women. Barring health issues, once they have decided that they want children they will generally not accept staying with someone who won’t give them one.
Ekona said:
In my experience you just know.
Comments like this are really unhelpful and help perpetuate this Hollywood myth that there is 'the one' who you are meant to be with and that if only you can find that person your life will be perfect. Because that just ain't so.Newsflash: there is no 'one'. There is no path down which your life is ordained to go. You don't just 'know'.
What people do, generally, is find somebody they like spending time with, who shares their values and aims in life, and who on balance is better in their life than not. After that, it's all about taking a punt.
Everyone is giving you st for you situation but I’m sure there are plenty of people who feel exactly the same way.
Everyone worries about their indepenance in a relationship and the deeper you go the more some people can feel trapped, and women really like to push ahead at an alarming rate that is too quick for most blokes.
Yes you have been together for nine years but the relationship has obviously sped up very quickly. And you are getting scared, you need to speak to your gf and tell her you need to settle into your house before any major change.
t for you situation but I’m sure there are plenty of people who feel exactly the same way.Everyone worries about their indepenance in a relationship and the deeper you go the more some people can feel trapped, and women really like to push ahead at an alarming rate that is too quick for most blokes.
Yes you have been together for nine years but the relationship has obviously sped up very quickly. And you are getting scared, you need to speak to your gf and tell her you need to settle into your house before any major change.
deckster said:
Ekona said:
In my experience you just know.
Comments like this are really unhelpful and help perpetuate this Hollywood myth that there is 'the one' who you are meant to be with and that if only you can find that person your life will be perfect. Because that just ain't so.Newsflash: there is no 'one'. There is no path down which your life is ordained to go. You don't just 'know'.
What people do, generally, is find somebody they like spending time with, who shares their values and aims in life, and who on balance is better in their life than not. After that, it's all about taking a punt.
deckster said:
Ekona said:
In my experience you just know.
Comments like this are really unhelpful and help perpetuate this Hollywood myth that there is 'the one' who you are meant to be with and that if only you can find that person your life will be perfect. Because that just ain't so.Newsflash: there is no 'one'. There is no path down which your life is ordained to go. You don't just 'know'.
What people do, generally, is find somebody they like spending time with, who shares their values and aims in life, and who on balance is better in their life than not. After that, it's all about taking a punt.
For others though, yes they may have to add up the things and make a calculated decision.
Personally, unless the 'obvious' side of things happened, I certainly wouldnt be thinking about having kids OP! I think if she was right for you then you wouldnt be asking this after 9 (!) years personally.
Edited by p1stonhead on Thursday 17th May 08:09
Having children is the HARDEST thing you'll ever do.
However they also bring you added freedom too believe it or not.
Children give the the excuse never to have to think of a better one, you can go anywhere and do anything with kids, they're great.
If you've been together 9 years and are happy, not sure why you're worrying about the future, just keep going, if you take the time you've already been together as a third of the period, in two more thirds, kids will be 18 and it'll all be done
I say crack on tonight and update us in 9 months!
However they also bring you added freedom too believe it or not.
Children give the the excuse never to have to think of a better one, you can go anywhere and do anything with kids, they're great.
If you've been together 9 years and are happy, not sure why you're worrying about the future, just keep going, if you take the time you've already been together as a third of the period, in two more thirds, kids will be 18 and it'll all be done
I say crack on tonight and update us in 9 months!
9 years and you still don't know!......break up with her see how it goes and if you get upset about her riding some other guys hog then you know she is the one.....granted it would be too late, but at least you will know.
Seriously, relationship are less like the Hollywood movies and more like owning a classic car, they require regular work and maintenance to truly enjoy the nice days.
Seriously, relationship are less like the Hollywood movies and more like owning a classic car, they require regular work and maintenance to truly enjoy the nice days.
I'd say that if after 9 years you're still not sure, then she probably isn't the right one for you....
But PH really isn't the place to ask for relationship advice, completely one sided bunch of bitter middle aged divorcees.
I'd almost take a step back and just give yourself some time to think your options through, you'll probably come to the conclusion that you'd be better off with her, you've made it work for 9 years so you must be doing something right. You met when you were young so you're different people now, maybe you feel you've missed out on not having had more 'experience' but you really haven't.
Good luck to you both!
But PH really isn't the place to ask for relationship advice, completely one sided bunch of bitter middle aged divorcees.
I'd almost take a step back and just give yourself some time to think your options through, you'll probably come to the conclusion that you'd be better off with her, you've made it work for 9 years so you must be doing something right. You met when you were young so you're different people now, maybe you feel you've missed out on not having had more 'experience' but you really haven't.
Good luck to you both!
Edited by Gary29 on Thursday 17th May 08:13
You say you've been together for 9 years, so you got together at 17? Was she your first love/ had you dated other girls before her?
What I'm getting at is could it be that you wonder what you're missing out on having 'not played the field'?
I met Sarah at 36, having played the field for 20 years. Yes I had plenty of fun, but also met a lot of 'wrong' ones. The right ones are good to find. Don't stay with her if you know she's not right, but question the fact that you've both stuck together for 9 years, you must be doing something right.
What I'm getting at is could it be that you wonder what you're missing out on having 'not played the field'?
I met Sarah at 36, having played the field for 20 years. Yes I had plenty of fun, but also met a lot of 'wrong' ones. The right ones are good to find. Don't stay with her if you know she's not right, but question the fact that you've both stuck together for 9 years, you must be doing something right.
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