Major Poltergeist Issues

[DCerebrate]

Cerbera has been left for just one week, and checked and given a clean bill of health by an auto-electrician only one month ago. Went to start it up this evening, it had a life of its own - no fuel pump priming but everything else - passenger compartment fan on and off, right indicator flashing, rear heated windscreen light came on, ticking from rear in place of usual indicator high pitched sound, no go with starter, door opens but no electric windows. As short of time panicked and used silver key to turn everything off, but trying late tonight brought up similar if not identical issues.
Help, any clues?! Hard to find a good auto-electrician in this part of the country.

[CerbWill]

Check all the fuses then ring Jody at Python Racing if there's nothing obviously wrong. I'm sure he can provide some advice.

[Jhonno]

Battery? Earths?

[TwinKam]

Rats?

[gruffalo]

Cigarette lighter socket.

[DCerebrate]

Thanks guys for your suggestions. The only rat found was a very dead one as previoudly posted.
I will get the cigarette lighter socket checked as it has been a bit dodgy in the past.
Chief suspect at the moment is battery. I remember I checked the car after a few days to find that the interior light was on - so it looks as if this has drained the battery in combo with either a faulty trickle charger or a bad connection to said charger through the socket.
Disconnected voltage was 10.9v. Jodie at Python Racing has confirmed that a discharged or oven marginal battery can cause all kinds of weird symptoms. Hopefully a thorough charge or failing that a new battery will sort it out.

[FarmyardPants]

I would put a new one in, they are never quite the same after they've "discharged".

[Chim450]

FarmyardPants said:

I would put a new one in, they are never quite the same after they've "discharged".

^^^^^^^
What he said.

[Jhonno]

Chim450 said:

FarmyardPants said:

I would put a new one in, they are never quite the same after they've "discharged".

^^^^^^^
What he said.

This. 10.9v is a dead battery.

[RUSSELLM]

I’d normally agree with the replace theory, but my Bosch battery has done surprisingly well recovering from 5 years of winter discharges.

If it dies tomorrow, I’ve had my money’s worth out of it.

[DCerebrate]

Battery didn’t come back well after a charge. A new one is on order. Will post again with outcome. Thanks for advice so far!

[DCerebrate]

Thanks guys, exorcism was successful, a new battery cured it. Amazing that a low voltage could cause all these crazy symptoms!