Relationship advice
Discussion
January this year, met (what i thought) was the woman of my dreams - sophisticated, beautiful (solid 8-9), smart, active, funny, lots in common... I envisaged marrying her - unfortunately she turned out to be an immature girl, not a Woman. The first two months was ridiculously easy/natural and we just clicked! Then by month 3, she gave me the first sch!t-test and I didn't even know what was going on. I didn't know how to react to it and eventually I put her in her place (accidently) after a couple of weeks of rubbish.
April, May and June was amazing together and we were loved-up, but I admittedly got complacent in June and took my foot off the gas a bit, thinking the relationship was locked in - big mistake. I wasn't being quite as proactive and 'taking the lead' as I was previously and I gradually felt her desire and attraction for me drop a little bit in July. This should've woke me up.
One night at the end of July, I spotted her out of the corner of my eye messaging her ex-bf (I 100% knew it was her ex's number). There wasn't much in the messages, but when I questioned/tested her on who she was messaging, she looked me right in the eyes and said "Oh this is the number from my new phone, I'm testing it to see that it works". At that moment she lied so perfectly right to my face, with no hesitation! From that exact moment on the trust was gone and this was 6 weeks before we were officially due to move in together.
Instead of leaving it a couple of days and then confronting her about it, hearing her side of the story and putting her firmly in her place, I took my foot off the gas and let the relationship slowly go downhill from then on. I stopped caring so much, I stopped being mega-assertive and coming up with spontaneous ideas for date nights (she wanted/craved a 100% Alpha-Male to put her in her place) and I no longer trusted her. The messages between them weren't much, but it was the fact she lied to me so perfectly and with zero hesitation; yet she said to me if she found I was messaging my ex-gf then she would "dump me there and then"...
Anyway, by the beginning of August it continued to go downhill and after listening to a few of her gold-digging comments I pressed the self-destruct button on the relationship and called her out on her lying to my face about messaging her ex and a few other petty/unnecessary things out of spite. I really pushed the issue. She flipped out on the phone and told me to collect my stuff from hers the next day. That was that.
Bottom line here is that I regret my b!tch behaviour, as I truly loved her! I know for a fact that if I followed these rules from June/July onwards our relationship would've continued to be amazing like it was, for which I may forever regret. But from the moment she felt the need to lie to my face it was over for me, probably an over-reaction on my part...
However, she was a damn Landmine; she admitted to me early in the relationship that she had cheated on an ex-bf in the past (once a cheater always a cheater?), she's the daughter of a high-up Politician (who cheats on her mum with Air Hostesses) and comes from a privileged family - she said multiple times she wanted at least a 2-carat 20k diamond engagement ring when I'd eventually propose... she wanted me to treat her even more when we went out (80% of the time we'd split everything 50/50 and the other 20% I'd pay for it anyway) and she said "when we move in together, you're gonna have to manage the budgeting between us because I don't know how to budget." - she's 27 and has never worked a full-time job, (career student etc..).
Her best friend was cheating on her partner with HIS work boss and she never spoke down about her behaviour or condemned it, saying "Nobody is an angel, and I can kind of see that it is possible to love 2 people" - wtf.
A couple of times when she was trying to press buttons she'd come out with "If I cheated on you, you would never know" - clearly trying to press buttons, but how dumb do you have to be to come out with that? She bordered on narcissistic. Despite a few significant red flags, I still feel rubbish because the good times were great and we really motivated each other. First woman I've trained in the gym with, ran a half-marathon with, played tennis with and spurred each other on. But the negatives... well yeah.
I don't know why I feel like a failure given that she was a total Landmine who wasn't in the real-world, but I do. This is the first relationship that has left me hurt and a failure... I guess it's because I really wanted it to work AND it partially fell apart because I didn't follow the golden rules and maintain that attraction/desire. Lots of lessons learned for me from this experience.
April, May and June was amazing together and we were loved-up, but I admittedly got complacent in June and took my foot off the gas a bit, thinking the relationship was locked in - big mistake. I wasn't being quite as proactive and 'taking the lead' as I was previously and I gradually felt her desire and attraction for me drop a little bit in July. This should've woke me up.
One night at the end of July, I spotted her out of the corner of my eye messaging her ex-bf (I 100% knew it was her ex's number). There wasn't much in the messages, but when I questioned/tested her on who she was messaging, she looked me right in the eyes and said "Oh this is the number from my new phone, I'm testing it to see that it works". At that moment she lied so perfectly right to my face, with no hesitation! From that exact moment on the trust was gone and this was 6 weeks before we were officially due to move in together.
Instead of leaving it a couple of days and then confronting her about it, hearing her side of the story and putting her firmly in her place, I took my foot off the gas and let the relationship slowly go downhill from then on. I stopped caring so much, I stopped being mega-assertive and coming up with spontaneous ideas for date nights (she wanted/craved a 100% Alpha-Male to put her in her place) and I no longer trusted her. The messages between them weren't much, but it was the fact she lied to me so perfectly and with zero hesitation; yet she said to me if she found I was messaging my ex-gf then she would "dump me there and then"...
Anyway, by the beginning of August it continued to go downhill and after listening to a few of her gold-digging comments I pressed the self-destruct button on the relationship and called her out on her lying to my face about messaging her ex and a few other petty/unnecessary things out of spite. I really pushed the issue. She flipped out on the phone and told me to collect my stuff from hers the next day. That was that.
Bottom line here is that I regret my b!tch behaviour, as I truly loved her! I know for a fact that if I followed these rules from June/July onwards our relationship would've continued to be amazing like it was, for which I may forever regret. But from the moment she felt the need to lie to my face it was over for me, probably an over-reaction on my part...
However, she was a damn Landmine; she admitted to me early in the relationship that she had cheated on an ex-bf in the past (once a cheater always a cheater?), she's the daughter of a high-up Politician (who cheats on her mum with Air Hostesses) and comes from a privileged family - she said multiple times she wanted at least a 2-carat 20k diamond engagement ring when I'd eventually propose... she wanted me to treat her even more when we went out (80% of the time we'd split everything 50/50 and the other 20% I'd pay for it anyway) and she said "when we move in together, you're gonna have to manage the budgeting between us because I don't know how to budget." - she's 27 and has never worked a full-time job, (career student etc..).
Her best friend was cheating on her partner with HIS work boss and she never spoke down about her behaviour or condemned it, saying "Nobody is an angel, and I can kind of see that it is possible to love 2 people" - wtf.
A couple of times when she was trying to press buttons she'd come out with "If I cheated on you, you would never know" - clearly trying to press buttons, but how dumb do you have to be to come out with that? She bordered on narcissistic. Despite a few significant red flags, I still feel rubbish because the good times were great and we really motivated each other. First woman I've trained in the gym with, ran a half-marathon with, played tennis with and spurred each other on. But the negatives... well yeah.
I don't know why I feel like a failure given that she was a total Landmine who wasn't in the real-world, but I do. This is the first relationship that has left me hurt and a failure... I guess it's because I really wanted it to work AND it partially fell apart because I didn't follow the golden rules and maintain that attraction/desire. Lots of lessons learned for me from this experience.
TobyTR said:
Bottom line here is that I regret my b!tch behaviour, as I truly loved her! I know for a fact that if I followed these rules from June/July onwards our relationship would've continued to be amazing like it was, for which I may forever regret.
It wouldn't. Once the rose-tints are off you'll realise that not wasting any more time on it was the best thing.
te men will put up with to have a pretty girl on their arm. See also "why are PHers so obsessed by image thread". I suspect the reason you feel like a failure is that her behavior towards you chipped away at your self esteem.
She sounds like she isn't a nice person, and you are better off quietly rebuilding your self image piece by piece without her to break it down for you again.
Controlling behavior comes in all shapes and sizes and genders.
She sounds like she isn't a nice person, and you are better off quietly rebuilding your self image piece by piece without her to break it down for you again.
Controlling behavior comes in all shapes and sizes and genders.
Edited by Vocal Minority on Tuesday 14th August 11:52
Uhh, so many red flags I can't believe you stayed with her THAT long.
Sounds like she got aggressive/over the top when called out on texting her ex. I had an ex that flipped when I caught her "innocently" messaging her ex. Like, she went 0 to 100 from me just saying I knew that she was messaging him. The over defensive reaction is normally a sign of guilt. Turns out he wasn't so much of an ex as a 'current'.
Sounds like she got aggressive/over the top when called out on texting her ex. I had an ex that flipped when I caught her "innocently" messaging her ex. Like, she went 0 to 100 from me just saying I knew that she was messaging him. The over defensive reaction is normally a sign of guilt. Turns out he wasn't so much of an ex as a 'current'.
MacW said:
R8Steve said:
You sound more like a winner than a failure to me in this scenario. As hard as it may feel now it sounds like you've had a result getting out of this relationship...it was never going to end well.
Bingo
that helps. A number of people have said to me I've dodged a bullet but it's still tough.This week has been like a bomb going off - against my ex's wishes as she told me in confidence and was "our secret", yesterday I met up with her best buddy's now ex-boyfriend (the one she was cheating on, with his boss). We always got on well and he's a great guy with morals and values. He msged me on facebook saying they broke up recently and he had suspicions that she was cheating on him, but not with who. So I said I'd meet up with him for a beer and we'd discuss everything we both knew...
I didn't tell him it was his work boss, but "all I know is, his name is Dave, he's married with kids" and with that he came out with it right away "that's my work boss!". I felt terrible for the guy, but felt he had a right to know. If I was in his position I'd want to know Everything so I could take the appropriate action.
His ex is a supreme liar. Really, really good. Probably why she's a decent Recruitment Consultant... I always felt she was shady when we'd go on double dates together and that was before I knew her dirty secret - she loved dominating that work boss with all sorts of 'objects'... I digress. Basically she wanted the best of both worlds - the stable relationship with the husband-material and the wild/crazy with that Alpha boss. And would go to any lengths to get it - ruthless!
Naturally her ex I told everything to might have had his doubts, so I gave him detailed information to confirm it - that they went away for a dirty weekend together and checked into a certain hotel on a specific date, (with said 'objects'...). He then did some stirling detective work and got the hotel to confirm they did indeed check-in on that date. He thanked me. We hugged it out. He was a couple of months away from moving cities and jobs for her to live together.
He said from what he knew, my ex didn't cheat on me, but said she had sloot tendencies in the past. And when he confronted my ex on it, she acted like her best buddy had done nothing wrong and that it's almost the norm. Not that I'm surprised by her behaviour now. I think part of it must be hereditary from her father? He cheats on her Mum like crazy and yet she stays with him for the high lifestyle and probably knowing she won't get half of the assets because he's clever... How tragic.
I challenged my ex on this, basically saying "how can you think it's okay for someone to 'love two people' when that's essentially what your dad is doing to your mother?" - she couldn't answer and just called me every name under the sun.
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