Autistic son, mum isn't coping - options?
Discussion
Hi,
Struggling here and looking for any thoughts that might help. The post below is a bit of a brain dump, but I just feel absolutely drained and out of sensible options.
8 Year old son recently diagnosed with autism (Aspergers and PDA). Explains a huge amount about how difficult the last 6 years have been. Son lives with his mum (my ex-wife) and I see him frequently and have him one night a week. I live with my partner; my son has met her and they get on well. I attended some really good autism workshops with his mum, during which she self-diagnosed with Aspergers and PDA - which also explains a lot and fits with my experiences of her. She doesn't want to get diagnosed and doesn't want any help or support, partly due to a medical phobia and also due to some past negative experiences with mental health support. She has previously severe anxiety issues which are improving, and I suspect she has some degree of depression.
My son is going through a difficult patch at the moment, finding school challenging due to a change of teacher and I'm also making some changes to the home routine as I'm moving in with my partner (although in reality I've been all but living there for the last couple of years). Whilst my son has stayed at my partner's house a few times, he is losing the security of having his room in my house. We're creating a nice room for him in my partners house but of course it is going to be difficult until he gets used to it.
His behaviour has got suddenly worse over the last two weeks, probably as expected. It's like he's a different person - absolutely hyper, constantly provocative, refusing to comply with most instructions, deliberately inserting himself into the conversation whenever anyone else speaks. He wants to be in control the whole time, which is presumably driven by anxiety about the changes. It's exhausting for me, and I'm lucky as I only see it in relatively small doses. It's massively more difficult for his mum. If this is due to the move and school changes then it is likely to persist for a while. My son is good verbally but finds it extremely uncomfortable to talk about any situation that he finds difficult, so it's almost impossible to engage with him on this. He has admitted to these issues causing stress, which is at least a massive step forwards.
The problem is that his mum is really struggling to cope with him at the moment. She gets some support from me, but is otherwise extremely isolated. She works sporadically, and is trying to find more but with limited success so she spends long periods at home on her own or with our son. She has no friends at all within a long distance and her family are miles away and very unsupportive. She only likes face to face interaction, and is rather averse to speaking to friends on the phone. She's extremely nervous about any form of online interaction other than email or messaging. She also dislikes driving so these things in combination really limit her options for contacting people and maintaining relationships. She's been ostracised by the majority of the other parents at school due to our son's difficulties and also potentially due to her own difficulties. She's very sceptical about things like online parent support forums and the local autism provision which arranges meet-ups where people can discuss problems and possible solutions. We've been to a couple together but she's not keen to go back.
She's now at the point where our son's behaviour is causing her to melt down and not cope (hardly surprising given the overall situation). I'm the only support network she's got but I'm understandably reluctant to become even more of an emotional crutch for my ex as this will cause all sorts of other issues. She didn't cope at all well with the split and it's only really in the last year that she seems able to start to move on from this. She's had *a lot* of support from me since we split a few years ago in terms of helping her with her anxiety problems and managing all the things that she seems to struggle with, in addition to looking after our son. The level of support was not sustainable and my focus needs to be my son rather than her. Whenever I went to see my son, my time tended to get monopolised by her to my son's detriment. I'm worried about her mental health and think she needs support, however I can't make her take this step. I'm also worried about my son in this environment. She is very caring and really wants him to be happy, but if these protracted behavioural episodes are making things too difficult then I'm not sure what I can do to help. I'm looking at whether I can take my son away for another night in the week, and also take him out one or two evenings a week for food rather than spending them at his mum's. Unfortunately she finds it very hard to be without him and is still upset every time he stays with me even though he's been doing this for years. Whilst these options will give her a break, I suspect she will say no.
As you can see, the whole thing is very frustrating and there are no easy answers. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Struggling here and looking for any thoughts that might help. The post below is a bit of a brain dump, but I just feel absolutely drained and out of sensible options.
8 Year old son recently diagnosed with autism (Aspergers and PDA). Explains a huge amount about how difficult the last 6 years have been. Son lives with his mum (my ex-wife) and I see him frequently and have him one night a week. I live with my partner; my son has met her and they get on well. I attended some really good autism workshops with his mum, during which she self-diagnosed with Aspergers and PDA - which also explains a lot and fits with my experiences of her. She doesn't want to get diagnosed and doesn't want any help or support, partly due to a medical phobia and also due to some past negative experiences with mental health support. She has previously severe anxiety issues which are improving, and I suspect she has some degree of depression.
My son is going through a difficult patch at the moment, finding school challenging due to a change of teacher and I'm also making some changes to the home routine as I'm moving in with my partner (although in reality I've been all but living there for the last couple of years). Whilst my son has stayed at my partner's house a few times, he is losing the security of having his room in my house. We're creating a nice room for him in my partners house but of course it is going to be difficult until he gets used to it.
His behaviour has got suddenly worse over the last two weeks, probably as expected. It's like he's a different person - absolutely hyper, constantly provocative, refusing to comply with most instructions, deliberately inserting himself into the conversation whenever anyone else speaks. He wants to be in control the whole time, which is presumably driven by anxiety about the changes. It's exhausting for me, and I'm lucky as I only see it in relatively small doses. It's massively more difficult for his mum. If this is due to the move and school changes then it is likely to persist for a while. My son is good verbally but finds it extremely uncomfortable to talk about any situation that he finds difficult, so it's almost impossible to engage with him on this. He has admitted to these issues causing stress, which is at least a massive step forwards.
The problem is that his mum is really struggling to cope with him at the moment. She gets some support from me, but is otherwise extremely isolated. She works sporadically, and is trying to find more but with limited success so she spends long periods at home on her own or with our son. She has no friends at all within a long distance and her family are miles away and very unsupportive. She only likes face to face interaction, and is rather averse to speaking to friends on the phone. She's extremely nervous about any form of online interaction other than email or messaging. She also dislikes driving so these things in combination really limit her options for contacting people and maintaining relationships. She's been ostracised by the majority of the other parents at school due to our son's difficulties and also potentially due to her own difficulties. She's very sceptical about things like online parent support forums and the local autism provision which arranges meet-ups where people can discuss problems and possible solutions. We've been to a couple together but she's not keen to go back.
She's now at the point where our son's behaviour is causing her to melt down and not cope (hardly surprising given the overall situation). I'm the only support network she's got but I'm understandably reluctant to become even more of an emotional crutch for my ex as this will cause all sorts of other issues. She didn't cope at all well with the split and it's only really in the last year that she seems able to start to move on from this. She's had *a lot* of support from me since we split a few years ago in terms of helping her with her anxiety problems and managing all the things that she seems to struggle with, in addition to looking after our son. The level of support was not sustainable and my focus needs to be my son rather than her. Whenever I went to see my son, my time tended to get monopolised by her to my son's detriment. I'm worried about her mental health and think she needs support, however I can't make her take this step. I'm also worried about my son in this environment. She is very caring and really wants him to be happy, but if these protracted behavioural episodes are making things too difficult then I'm not sure what I can do to help. I'm looking at whether I can take my son away for another night in the week, and also take him out one or two evenings a week for food rather than spending them at his mum's. Unfortunately she finds it very hard to be without him and is still upset every time he stays with me even though he's been doing this for years. Whilst these options will give her a break, I suspect she will say no.
As you can see, the whole thing is very frustrating and there are no easy answers. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Did you ever go see a counsellor or have issues with your son when your split with your wife?
Having a diagnosis for a "mental issue" doesn't change the fact that fundamentally all three of you have gone through an emotional trauma.
I'd be worried if any 6/7/8 year old child would go through their parents splitting and not struggle terribly. For a child it must be like the end of the world. A years long misery.
It sounds like your wife is struggling too. And now you are as well.
Counsellors are worth every penny and usually resolve these types of issues to the point you don't want to ask on PH about them
(but, don't persevere with one you're not happy with, no harm in trying others, but don't give up on the process)
Having a diagnosis for a "mental issue" doesn't change the fact that fundamentally all three of you have gone through an emotional trauma.
I'd be worried if any 6/7/8 year old child would go through their parents splitting and not struggle terribly. For a child it must be like the end of the world. A years long misery.
It sounds like your wife is struggling too. And now you are as well.
Counsellors are worth every penny and usually resolve these types of issues to the point you don't want to ask on PH about them
(but, don't persevere with one you're not happy with, no harm in trying others, but don't give up on the process)Gassing Station | Health Matters | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff