Help with children
Discussion
Is there any way of getting help with dealing with your own children. I know social services exist to step in where a childs welfare is in question. But can you contact them or anyone else for help or guidance in parenting.
If not why?
I have a son who is 6. He is adorable 90% of the time and any issues are easily dealt with the 10% of the time he is being a normal mischievous lad.
I have a daughter who is 4 going on 5 and she is utterly unpleasant about 90% of the time i'm with her. We have tried every style of parenting i know of. No amount of threats of loss of toys, teddies, dressing up outfits works. I've yelled, screamed, ignored, reasoned, spent more time with her, treated her for being well behaved, treated her like an adult, baby, child. Ive tried explaining why her behaviour upsets people. I cant really think of anything else to try. We dont smack our kids. Which i half agree with while at the same time realize my father would have taken the slipper to my ass the second i behaved like my daughter does on a daily basis.
I'm happy to hold my hand up and say i need help. While her mum takes this as some kind of endurance challenge, its making my time at home unbearable. I want to come home and enjoy my lovely family.
And why wouldn't i need help? It seems to be shameful and a sign of dysfunction if we are not pro parents. Well nobody showed me how to parent. I wouldn't expect to be good at anything else with zero advice other than a few smirks from friends when you tell them you are struggling.
I can't tell if this is just a witty half joke or if i'm genuinely serious about acquiring help of some sort. I feel like we need help. But maybe everyone does at times.?
Perhaps today is a particularly rough day. Yesterday I found my daughter repeatedly banging the door of her mums golf into the rear quarter of my porsche. I stayed calm and tried talking to her. She very obviously found the whole thing amusing. I spoke to her again about it at bedtime calmly, she just doesn't care in the slightest. I don't really care that she doesnt see value in my car, she's 4, why would she.? But i'd expect some kind of reaction to having the situation explained calmly instead of just sitting there smirking.
Breaeeaaatthhhhh!
If not why?
I have a son who is 6. He is adorable 90% of the time and any issues are easily dealt with the 10% of the time he is being a normal mischievous lad.
I have a daughter who is 4 going on 5 and she is utterly unpleasant about 90% of the time i'm with her. We have tried every style of parenting i know of. No amount of threats of loss of toys, teddies, dressing up outfits works. I've yelled, screamed, ignored, reasoned, spent more time with her, treated her for being well behaved, treated her like an adult, baby, child. Ive tried explaining why her behaviour upsets people. I cant really think of anything else to try. We dont smack our kids. Which i half agree with while at the same time realize my father would have taken the slipper to my ass the second i behaved like my daughter does on a daily basis.
I'm happy to hold my hand up and say i need help. While her mum takes this as some kind of endurance challenge, its making my time at home unbearable. I want to come home and enjoy my lovely family.
And why wouldn't i need help? It seems to be shameful and a sign of dysfunction if we are not pro parents. Well nobody showed me how to parent. I wouldn't expect to be good at anything else with zero advice other than a few smirks from friends when you tell them you are struggling.
I can't tell if this is just a witty half joke or if i'm genuinely serious about acquiring help of some sort. I feel like we need help. But maybe everyone does at times.?
Perhaps today is a particularly rough day. Yesterday I found my daughter repeatedly banging the door of her mums golf into the rear quarter of my porsche. I stayed calm and tried talking to her. She very obviously found the whole thing amusing. I spoke to her again about it at bedtime calmly, she just doesn't care in the slightest. I don't really care that she doesnt see value in my car, she's 4, why would she.? But i'd expect some kind of reaction to having the situation explained calmly instead of just sitting there smirking.
Breaeeaaatthhhhh!
It’s hard but they go through it. You have to be firm. Time out on the stairs is what we did. That often meant repeated taking back to the stair as she wouldn’t sit on it, kept getting off, major tantrums etc etc but you have to be more resilient than them, to win in the long run. Every time they get off take her back and don’t have conversation / discussion with her just take her back. Stop explaining, that’s the punishment, end of. I think we did 1min for each year of age so you’re not talking major length of time it’s the fact of making them do it, if they get up the clock resets,
I would also recommend the GP route as it could be a form of autism manifesting itself, obviously everybody is on the spectrum to some degree but it could be that she is further to one of the spectrum then would be expected at her age/development.
Be prepared for a long wait following referral though - upto 2-4yrs is the current average across England for a health service referral with an intermediary intervention in the intervening time.
Be prepared for a long wait following referral though - upto 2-4yrs is the current average across England for a health service referral with an intermediary intervention in the intervening time.
CoolHands said:
It’s hard but they go through it. You have to be firm. Time out on the stairs is what we did. That often meant repeated taking back to the stair as she wouldn’t sit on it, kept getting off, major tantrums etc etc but you have to be more resilient than them, to win in the long run. Every time they get off take her back and don’t have conversation / discussion with her just take her back. Stop explaining, that’s the punishment, end of. I think we did 1min for each year of age so you’re not talking major length of time it’s the fact of making them do it, if they get up the clock resets,
This does work, see if you can find any old episodes of super nanny online, that's where my wife and I first saw this.Monkeylegend said:
Does she attend nursery? Being amongst other children and learning the world doesn't revolve around her might help.
School will sort this out pretty quickly.
She's 4 going on 5 so already in school.School will sort this out pretty quickly.
I'm in the same position with my son, school has not sorted it. We just had parents evening on Friday, the way his teacher spoke about him you'd think she had the wrong child "he's well mannered, always helpful, loves to help tidy everything up...". I sat thinking "wtf, at home he pulls everything out of a cupboard and then wanders off leaving it all over the floor and ignires you if you politely ask him to put it back"
As I type this I can hear his mother asking him why he's just done some other questionable bit of s
t behaviour.Is she like this in school? Or just with you? I doubt school would stand for that and they would be talking to you about various things. If it’s just with you I’m not sure I can add anything we just took our two (5 and 2 going on 4) bowling! Worst mistake of my life they did anything but bowl I’m now sat on the beach while they throw sand at each other.
Oakey said:
Monkeylegend said:
Does she attend nursery? Being amongst other children and learning the world doesn't revolve around her might help.
School will sort this out pretty quickly.
She's 4 going on 5 so already in school.School will sort this out pretty quickly.
I'm in the same position with my son, school has not sorted it. We just had parents evening on Friday, the way his teacher spoke about him you'd think she had the wrong child "he's well mannered, always helpful, loves to help tidy everything up...". I sat thinking "wtf, at home he pulls everything out of a cupboard and then wanders off leaving it all over the floor and ignires you if you politely ask him to put it back"
As I type this I can hear his mother asking him why he's just done some other questionable bit of s
t behaviour.OP has been very open about him being at a loss as to what to do, sometimes you have to train the owner not the dog, so to speak.
Sounds normal to me. We have two 4 year old twins and an 8 year old madam
Individually they are all wonderful. Well mannered and very well behaved. They are all bright kids and are doing really well at school. However when they are all together they are a fecking nightmare hitting each other screaming etc sometimes it's overwhelming but thankfully I can get out to work!
I'm hoping it will improve as they get older as and it is slowly getting easier especially with the eldest as she is starting to develop her own interests instead of just annoying her siblings 24/7
It's attention basically. Some kids just hate having competition. Our eldest and one of the twins are terrible if they think they are missing out. The other twin is really placid and let's the other two get on with it.
Individually they are all wonderful. Well mannered and very well behaved. They are all bright kids and are doing really well at school. However when they are all together they are a fecking nightmare hitting each other screaming etc sometimes it's overwhelming but thankfully I can get out to work!
I'm hoping it will improve as they get older as and it is slowly getting easier especially with the eldest as she is starting to develop her own interests instead of just annoying her siblings 24/7
It's attention basically. Some kids just hate having competition. Our eldest and one of the twins are terrible if they think they are missing out. The other twin is really placid and let's the other two get on with it.
I have twin daughters that are 4 and a older daughter aged 6.
The 6yr old is pretty mellow and sound, nice to be with never really does anything I disagree with.
The twins on the other hand often do things which are just plain stupid and seem to be told every day how to do everyday thing. They seem to be taking longer than the 1st born to understand how to function in the world. They do nothing particularly malicious usually it’s just stupid stuff and I reckon 90% of it we can sit down and have some one on one and try and make a fun lesson out of it sometimes with some sort of reward for taking heed. I sometimes think I look at the older one too much being the golden child and unwittingly expect the 4yr olds to act the same.
However I have to say if I found one bashing my car deliberately I’d have issued a skelped arse - sorry I just believe their has to be a line where you have to raise the level. Whether that’s frowned upon or not I think it’s important to embed what’s right and what’s wrong at an early age otherwise it’s going to be a difficult time ahead.
Luckily 2 of mine fold at a slightly raised voice, the other one is a bit more resilient and needs stuff taken off her, a sugar ban, sent to her room and very occasional a smacked bum.
Anyway good luck you sound like you need it. I work away so leave my children for weeks at a time and when I’m home I always return thinking I’m not going to get agro, I’m not going to shout at them etc......but sometimes it’s exactly what’s required. Pick your fights though, there’s nothing worse than spending what should be quality time angry. These are supposed to be the best years, once they’re teens they’ll only be talking to you to get a lift or money.
The 6yr old is pretty mellow and sound, nice to be with never really does anything I disagree with.
The twins on the other hand often do things which are just plain stupid and seem to be told every day how to do everyday thing. They seem to be taking longer than the 1st born to understand how to function in the world. They do nothing particularly malicious usually it’s just stupid stuff and I reckon 90% of it we can sit down and have some one on one and try and make a fun lesson out of it sometimes with some sort of reward for taking heed. I sometimes think I look at the older one too much being the golden child and unwittingly expect the 4yr olds to act the same.
However I have to say if I found one bashing my car deliberately I’d have issued a skelped arse - sorry I just believe their has to be a line where you have to raise the level. Whether that’s frowned upon or not I think it’s important to embed what’s right and what’s wrong at an early age otherwise it’s going to be a difficult time ahead.
Luckily 2 of mine fold at a slightly raised voice, the other one is a bit more resilient and needs stuff taken off her, a sugar ban, sent to her room and very occasional a smacked bum.
Anyway good luck you sound like you need it. I work away so leave my children for weeks at a time and when I’m home I always return thinking I’m not going to get agro, I’m not going to shout at them etc......but sometimes it’s exactly what’s required. Pick your fights though, there’s nothing worse than spending what should be quality time angry. These are supposed to be the best years, once they’re teens they’ll only be talking to you to get a lift or money.
yours is a similar story to my son's. First born,a boy, was rosy in nature and very "easy". Second child, a girl, was a total nightmare. No empathy or feelings toward anybody. We were scared to babysit, she would scream and lie on the floor and hit anybody who went near her. She was diagnosed as autistic and it all made sense. We have all changed our approach as we understand she is different, and whilst she can still be challenging its a whole new story now, ( she is now 11). Good luck, children arent born bad but some are very challenging.
Thanks for all your messages. It's not always as hopeless as it sounds today. A lot of your replies really made me chuckle. The parents evening was absurd. Apparently her quiet, keen nature is adorable and she always likes to sit at the front and listen. We just sat there presuming they were taking the piss.
Diet wise we are very keen on making sure sugar is kept to a minimum. She's so naughty that treat bans are a daily occurance anyway.
I sometimes wonder about the autism thing. There's no signs other than bad behaviour. But knowing she is capable of behaving very well suggests it's just that. We have always felt that she tries to punish us. When she first started school she would be awful to her mum, if mum went away it was the same when she returned.
Sat watching her having swimming lessons now. She seems such a happy child. She seems to do well at everything she puts her mind to. I think she's just very good at what she likes doing. I think I need to find out why she likes winding me up so much!
Diet wise we are very keen on making sure sugar is kept to a minimum. She's so naughty that treat bans are a daily occurance anyway.
I sometimes wonder about the autism thing. There's no signs other than bad behaviour. But knowing she is capable of behaving very well suggests it's just that. We have always felt that she tries to punish us. When she first started school she would be awful to her mum, if mum went away it was the same when she returned.
Sat watching her having swimming lessons now. She seems such a happy child. She seems to do well at everything she puts her mind to. I think she's just very good at what she likes doing. I think I need to find out why she likes winding me up so much!
Edited by rufusgti on Sunday 18th November 14:14
Focus on the stuff she likes doing even if you have to divide and conquer them, your wife takes 1 you take the other. Some kids are happy sat in front of the TV some need constant stimulation ours are very much the latter if we’re not out by 9:30 at a weekend they will destroy the house they are like caged animals! come Sunday night I’m that nackered I can hardly lift the wine glass to my lips.
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