Losing a friend
Discussion
Not down the back of the sofa, or at the shops or anything.
But a real childhood friend who doesn't wake up one morning. Then speaking to his parents, his friends, your friends, then remembering all those you didn't think about who text you after.
The emptiness that comes with being daunted by the turn of the century followed by a short period of time when the turn of the century only felt like 5 mins ago yet your compatriots in that time aren't here any more.
41. No age eh?
There's no point to this thread is there? Except to say you've missed one too, or maybe not and/or you don't care. But if you do, I could tell you a hundred stories about my oldest friend, and maybe you could too.
But a real childhood friend who doesn't wake up one morning. Then speaking to his parents, his friends, your friends, then remembering all those you didn't think about who text you after.
The emptiness that comes with being daunted by the turn of the century followed by a short period of time when the turn of the century only felt like 5 mins ago yet your compatriots in that time aren't here any more.
41. No age eh?
There's no point to this thread is there? Except to say you've missed one too, or maybe not and/or you don't care. But if you do, I could tell you a hundred stories about my oldest friend, and maybe you could too.
There is an inevitability to the end of life, and of course we tend to think of a graceful maturity and easing onto seniority, and then a peaceful ending in the arms of our loved ones Sadly, on the way there are some that we lose too quickly and we are unprepared for the moment, with a void left where a vital person in our lives once stood- but we do keep the memories stored away and some of the person stays within us. I recall saying goodbye to a PHer of long ago called Hammerwerfer, who was my first instructor at the Nürburgring. He died at the age of 58, and I went to see him in Ireland in his final week. We were not sentimental, talked about the track, the cars, the experience, and at the end on that sunny day I stood up and shook his hand, and said, "see you" There was no goodbye.
I am reminded of the eulogy written by Aaron Freeman, who says is tall better than I ever could:
"You want a physicist to speak at your funeral. You want the physicist to talk to your grieving family about the conservation of energy, so they will understand that your energy has not died. You want the physicist to remind your sobbing mother about the first law of thermodynamics; that no energy gets created in the universe, and none is destroyed. You want your mother to know that all your energy, every vibration, every bit of heat, every wave of every particle that was her beloved child remains with her in this world. You want the physicist to tell your weeping father that amid energies of the cosmos, you gave as good as you got.
And at one point you’d hope that the physicist would step down from the pulpit and walk to your brokenhearted spouse there in the pew and tell him that all the photons that ever bounced off your face, all the particles whose paths were interrupted by your smile, by the touch of your hair, hundreds of trillions of particles, have raced off like children, their ways forever changed by you. And as your widow rocks in the arms of a loving family, may the physicist let her know that all the photons that bounced from you were gathered in the particle detectors that are her eyes, that those photons created within her constellations of electromagnetically charged neurons whose energy will go on forever.
And the physicist will remind the congregation of how much of all our energy is given off as heat. There may be a few fanning themselves with their programs as he says it. And he will tell them that the warmth that flowed through you in life is still here, still part of all that we are, even as we who mourn continue the heat of our own lives.
And you’ll want the physicist to explain to those who loved you that they need not have faith; indeed, they should not have faith. Let them know that they can measure, that scientists have measured precisely the conservation of energy and found it accurate, verifiable and consistent across space and time. You can hope your family will examine the evidence and satisfy themselves that the science is sound and that they’ll be comforted to know your energy’s still around. According to the law of the conservation of energy, not a bit of you is gone; you’re just less orderly. Amen."
I am reminded of the eulogy written by Aaron Freeman, who says is tall better than I ever could:
"You want a physicist to speak at your funeral. You want the physicist to talk to your grieving family about the conservation of energy, so they will understand that your energy has not died. You want the physicist to remind your sobbing mother about the first law of thermodynamics; that no energy gets created in the universe, and none is destroyed. You want your mother to know that all your energy, every vibration, every bit of heat, every wave of every particle that was her beloved child remains with her in this world. You want the physicist to tell your weeping father that amid energies of the cosmos, you gave as good as you got.
And at one point you’d hope that the physicist would step down from the pulpit and walk to your brokenhearted spouse there in the pew and tell him that all the photons that ever bounced off your face, all the particles whose paths were interrupted by your smile, by the touch of your hair, hundreds of trillions of particles, have raced off like children, their ways forever changed by you. And as your widow rocks in the arms of a loving family, may the physicist let her know that all the photons that bounced from you were gathered in the particle detectors that are her eyes, that those photons created within her constellations of electromagnetically charged neurons whose energy will go on forever.
And the physicist will remind the congregation of how much of all our energy is given off as heat. There may be a few fanning themselves with their programs as he says it. And he will tell them that the warmth that flowed through you in life is still here, still part of all that we are, even as we who mourn continue the heat of our own lives.
And you’ll want the physicist to explain to those who loved you that they need not have faith; indeed, they should not have faith. Let them know that they can measure, that scientists have measured precisely the conservation of energy and found it accurate, verifiable and consistent across space and time. You can hope your family will examine the evidence and satisfy themselves that the science is sound and that they’ll be comforted to know your energy’s still around. According to the law of the conservation of energy, not a bit of you is gone; you’re just less orderly. Amen."
I lost a really close friend unexpectedly a few years ago , it started to make me think about all my other mates back in the UK who I still keep in touch with but haven't seen for years . The trip was taken , handshakes , hugs , trips down memory lane with a few beers too . Nothing too heavy ,but when the time comes I'll probably miss some more funerals , and they'll miss mine , but it'll matter not a jot now .
All part of the realization that despite initial thoughts , we're not immortal and time marches on .How f
king depressing is that ? 
:laugh
All part of the realization that despite initial thoughts , we're not immortal and time marches on .How f
king depressing is that ? :laughMy friend Nick is responsible for everything I am. He did Chemical Engineering and so did I. He shaved my hair for the first time and I still keep it shaved. We even got jobs at the same place. We were inseparable from 7 to the week after I started working with him. In a strange twist, we didn’t see each other that week at work because he used to travel 50 weeks a year. He came home early for a doctors appointment for lump on his head. Being a good friend I told him it as a tumor. Before he got there he dropped in his kitchen for an unrealated brain hemorrhage.
He was not even 21. That’s was nearly 20 years ago.
He once called me up to ask about selling his Honda for a Subaru. I told him not to as he would be paying the equivalent of 1000 pounds a week insurance due to his travel commitments. He ignored me. I’m so thankful for that.
Some from Scoobynet may know who I’m talking about as we did a Subaru procession at his funeral.
He was not even 21. That’s was nearly 20 years ago.
He once called me up to ask about selling his Honda for a Subaru. I told him not to as he would be paying the equivalent of 1000 pounds a week insurance due to his travel commitments. He ignored me. I’m so thankful for that.
Some from Scoobynet may know who I’m talking about as we did a Subaru procession at his funeral.
Edited by h0b0 on Thursday 22 November 02:05
I lost my best friend a year and a half ago, he got hit by a car whilst trying to warn drivers/riders about a fluid spill on the track.
It was such a shock to my system that it put me off having anything more to do with the Nürburgring, and other than organising a lap of rememberance for him, I have'nt been on it again. Quite difficult bearing in mind that I built my house 500 yards from it.
Whilst I still miss him dearly, the thing that hurt me the most were the circumstances and the timing. It simply could not have been worse.
Having lost his first wife to suicide in 2009, he had spent years and years rebuilding his life and had finally got back on his feet and was to re-marry and move to Spain, he'd already bought a house there. On the Saturday evening we had a leaving do at our local for him and a great evening, in a few days time he'd be driving to Spain to live there for good with his new wife. On Sunday, he died.
It was such a shock to my system that it put me off having anything more to do with the Nürburgring, and other than organising a lap of rememberance for him, I have'nt been on it again. Quite difficult bearing in mind that I built my house 500 yards from it.
Whilst I still miss him dearly, the thing that hurt me the most were the circumstances and the timing. It simply could not have been worse.
Having lost his first wife to suicide in 2009, he had spent years and years rebuilding his life and had finally got back on his feet and was to re-marry and move to Spain, he'd already bought a house there. On the Saturday evening we had a leaving do at our local for him and a great evening, in a few days time he'd be driving to Spain to live there for good with his new wife. On Sunday, he died.
A very good friend of mine went missing about 20mths ago and was found roughly 18mths ago in Yorkshire hanging. De0ression got the best of him, based in financial concerns and issues that he didn’t tell anyone about and tbh weren’t that big a deal at all - all unsecured debts
Terrible loss and waste - is miss him everyday
And to those who say that suicide is a cowards way out, I disagree and think it takes a very brave and determined soul to follow through with it
Terrible loss and waste - is miss him everyday
And to those who say that suicide is a cowards way out, I disagree and think it takes a very brave and determined soul to follow through with it
It is never good losing a friend. Unfortunately for me my count is now 3 and I'm only 51.
Big Dave (AKA The Kessler) went at 30 in 1999 with a huge brain haemorrhage. We were all with him when the turned the machines off. It broke some of us at the time. Some still haven't truly got over it.
Peter went years ago. Bipolar genius. The downs got longer than the ups. I miss his madness but he probably doesn't. I'm still angry with him for hanging himself in the woods by a public footpath. He was found by a mother with her two young kids the morning after. His funeral was a desperate affair.
Then my dearest school friend, partner in crime in our early twenties. He cut his own throat in front of his wife who was having an affair and refused to give it up. You can guess my feelings towards the slag. I miss him like hell. If there ever was an amnesty she'd be the one.
Big Dave (AKA The Kessler) went at 30 in 1999 with a huge brain haemorrhage. We were all with him when the turned the machines off. It broke some of us at the time. Some still haven't truly got over it.
Peter went years ago. Bipolar genius. The downs got longer than the ups. I miss his madness but he probably doesn't. I'm still angry with him for hanging himself in the woods by a public footpath. He was found by a mother with her two young kids the morning after. His funeral was a desperate affair.
Then my dearest school friend, partner in crime in our early twenties. He cut his own throat in front of his wife who was having an affair and refused to give it up. You can guess my feelings towards the slag. I miss him like hell. If there ever was an amnesty she'd be the one.
Edited by Trophy Husband on Thursday 22 November 14:00
alorotom said:
And to those who say that suicide is a cowards way out, I disagree and think it takes a very brave and determined soul to follow through with it
I second that. The youngest brother in a family I grew up with from primary school into my teens, took his own life at the age of 26. To think that he'd felt that was his only option gives me a tiny comprehension of just how terrible he must have felt. Also the kind of person who was kind, friendly, always pleased to see you and yet that was how he'd felt.
Considering I went to a small primary school, I'm 36 now and yet at least two pupils never got this far is quite a scary/sad statistic.
I lost my best friend in 2010, (age 24) he was the 'glue' in our group of friends & it devastated a lot of people.
He was never expected to really make it past 30 due to an incurable illness, however, it didn't make it any easier at the time.
The saddest part about it, was whilst it brought everybody closer together following his passing, within 18-24 months everybody had drifted apart.
Time is a healer though.
He was never expected to really make it past 30 due to an incurable illness, however, it didn't make it any easier at the time.
The saddest part about it, was whilst it brought everybody closer together following his passing, within 18-24 months everybody had drifted apart.
Time is a healer though.
Close mate from school had diabetes; had an operation, had some post-op problems, went back to the hospital and died. That was 6 years ago...he was 37 and a few years older than me. Weird to think I'm now older than he ever got to be.
His facebook page is still active and it always fks with me when it suddenly pops up in my newsfeed around his birthday as people make memorial posts; makes me think of my own mortality, etc. It's rubbish and I still miss our bonkers conversations.
His facebook page is still active and it always f
ks with me when it suddenly pops up in my newsfeed around his birthday as people make memorial posts; makes me think of my own mortality, etc. It's rubbish and I still miss our bonkers conversations.I lost my best friend, many years ago, to a heroin overdose. He was supposed to be clean. We were like brothers from the age of 6/7 to about 25, when he died. Went to our first rock concert together, went on holiday together, went to college together and went working away together. His body was found in a gutter in a seedy area of Manchester. It had been dumped there by others who had been in the house at the time he overdosed.
alorotom said:
And to those who say that suicide is a cowards way out, I disagree and think it takes a very brave and determined soul to follow through with it
Determined, yes, brave no. It is a symptom of illness and It is a life sentence for others IMO.I lost a very good friend and long standing friend just before Christmas last year.
We had been at school together so the same age, he was a couple of weeks short of his 38th birthday, we had been friends since 1993.
He lead a life somewhat less ordinary and was very unhealthy, but it still came as a huge shock and nearly a year on I still feel it hasn't fully sunk in yet.
The one upside, if there is one, was making reconnections with many other friends who had drifted over the years and reminiscing about the stuff we got up to back in our teens and early twenties.
Calling round to visit his parents, in his childhood home, a couple of days after he passed was perhaps one of the strangest, hardest but also 'right' things I have done.
You have my sympathies
We had been at school together so the same age, he was a couple of weeks short of his 38th birthday, we had been friends since 1993.
He lead a life somewhat less ordinary and was very unhealthy, but it still came as a huge shock and nearly a year on I still feel it hasn't fully sunk in yet.
The one upside, if there is one, was making reconnections with many other friends who had drifted over the years and reminiscing about the stuff we got up to back in our teens and early twenties.
Calling round to visit his parents, in his childhood home, a couple of days after he passed was perhaps one of the strangest, hardest but also 'right' things I have done.
You have my sympathies
With you pal all the way
Chap i worked with. Came from British Guyana Hit it off right away was like the brother i never had always kept in touch after getting promotions and had the odd day out. Got a phone call one day telling me he had a crumbling spine and his days out were a bit numbered being confined to a wheelchair. Then a few weeks later had a phone call he had died in hospital due to septisemia. Cried like a baby at his funeral
First wife went 10yrs ago, we had split for a while and got back in contact just before my heart op. only chatted a few times lost contact and then by chance saw her when i was checking on some old railway relics lost contact again as she was having problems with her husband playing away and then one day was passing her house and stopped, to be greeted by her daughter saying she was cremated the thursday before. What really cut me up was that she was wondering how i was getting on a few weeks before 45 years divorced, 10 years gone and i still think about her everyday.
Chap i worked with. Came from British Guyana Hit it off right away was like the brother i never had always kept in touch after getting promotions and had the odd day out. Got a phone call one day telling me he had a crumbling spine and his days out were a bit numbered being confined to a wheelchair. Then a few weeks later had a phone call he had died in hospital due to septisemia. Cried like a baby at his funeral
First wife went 10yrs ago, we had split for a while and got back in contact just before my heart op. only chatted a few times lost contact and then by chance saw her when i was checking on some old railway relics lost contact again as she was having problems with her husband playing away and then one day was passing her house and stopped, to be greeted by her daughter saying she was cremated the thursday before. What really cut me up was that she was wondering how i was getting on a few weeks before 45 years divorced, 10 years gone and i still think about her everyday.
My best friend at school died when we were 17 after a year long fight with cancer.
I attended his funeral on my 18th birthday. I'll never forget how kind his mum was to me - on the day she was burying her son. Amazing woman.
He was buried in his Spurs shirt. It's from that friendship I've been a lifelong fan.
I attended his funeral on my 18th birthday. I'll never forget how kind his mum was to me - on the day she was burying her son. Amazing woman.
He was buried in his Spurs shirt. It's from that friendship I've been a lifelong fan.
It's horrendous. I'm 26 now and have lost several friends from various causes since I left school at 16.
Worst one was my best friend who died a few days before his 20th Birthday, whilst he was on a drive down towards the west coast. Lost control of his car and slid sideways in to a camper van. I keep up with his parents, see them for dinner, I manage one of their rental properties and it's nice seeing them and catching up as he was an only child, It's very hard for them, still.
Others have died from various causes, accidents, drugs, suicide. Some were close, some not so much but the realisation that a person is just 'gone' is horrible. I struggle to deal with these well whenever it's an anniversary. Following my friends death above, I struggle with back roads at times and occasionally I'll just have a mini-breakdown and have a greet.
Like you, I'm not quite sure what the point of my post there was but it's good to get things out, be it a 2 sentence conversation with someone, writing out a big post to strangers, whatever!
Worst one was my best friend who died a few days before his 20th Birthday, whilst he was on a drive down towards the west coast. Lost control of his car and slid sideways in to a camper van. I keep up with his parents, see them for dinner, I manage one of their rental properties and it's nice seeing them and catching up as he was an only child, It's very hard for them, still.
Others have died from various causes, accidents, drugs, suicide. Some were close, some not so much but the realisation that a person is just 'gone' is horrible. I struggle to deal with these well whenever it's an anniversary. Following my friends death above, I struggle with back roads at times and occasionally I'll just have a mini-breakdown and have a greet.
Like you, I'm not quite sure what the point of my post there was but it's good to get things out, be it a 2 sentence conversation with someone, writing out a big post to strangers, whatever!
Car crash, plane crash and suicide!
I have great memories of all three and think of them regularly. Not one of them would want me moping around mourning their loss and I steadfast refused to do so. However, delivering a eulogy for the suicide remains to this day, the hardest thing I have ever done. Standing in front of a room packed to the rafters with family and friends trying to do his memory justice while his normally very stoic parents were crying, I don't even know how to describe that feeling!
I have great memories of all three and think of them regularly. Not one of them would want me moping around mourning their loss and I steadfast refused to do so. However, delivering a eulogy for the suicide remains to this day, the hardest thing I have ever done. Standing in front of a room packed to the rafters with family and friends trying to do his memory justice while his normally very stoic parents were crying, I don't even know how to describe that feeling!
Thanks for the thoughts guys, I’m just catching up with this thread with a brew before I go to his parents house, the same one he went to bed in Tuesday night and didn’t wake up in yesterday.
Being a parent myself I can’t imagine what I’m about to walk into but as said above, it must be done.
Being a parent myself I can’t imagine what I’m about to walk into but as said above, it must be done.
I lost a very good friend in August. He was flying his paramotor and for reasons unknown had an accident that he succumbed too.
We had the same name, the same birthday month of the same year, the same love for motorbikes and engineering, and the same stupid sense of humour. Sadly I don't share the knowledge or ability to read a situation he had.
We worked very closely and it was only after he had passed I realised how close we were. Work still isn't the same
He was 26 and I miss him dearly, i think of him often and still regularly call him horrible names when thinking of him. It was that type of friendship
All i will say is don't anyone be afraid of counselling. I only had 2 sessions and even that helped me process things immensely. It is nothing to be ashamed of as we are never taught how to deal with the emotions and thoughts that come up following the death of somebody close to you.
Condolences to all.
We had the same name, the same birthday month of the same year, the same love for motorbikes and engineering, and the same stupid sense of humour. Sadly I don't share the knowledge or ability to read a situation he had.
We worked very closely and it was only after he had passed I realised how close we were. Work still isn't the same
He was 26 and I miss him dearly, i think of him often and still regularly call him horrible names when thinking of him. It was that type of friendship
All i will say is don't anyone be afraid of counselling. I only had 2 sessions and even that helped me process things immensely. It is nothing to be ashamed of as we are never taught how to deal with the emotions and thoughts that come up following the death of somebody close to you.
Condolences to all.
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