Christmas time after losing dad
Discussion
Hi
My Dad died suddenly at the end of September aged 50, a day after being diagnosed with cancer, I've gone through a barrage of different emotions but with Christmas around the corner I'm really struggling.
My Dad loved Christmas, last year we found a radio station that played nothing but Christmas songs, I don't think he turned it off in December when in the car, he even put it on when he got in my car and wouldn't let me turn it off, the "it's my car, I choose the music" line that he used to give me when I was a child didn't work, it was staying on. I know if he was here we'd be putting the tree up this weekend with Elf on the TV.
The thought of Christmas now makes me feel sick, went to Tesco the other day and had they had all the Christmas stock up and the songs playing and I nearly broke down in the shop, managed to get back to the car thankfully.
It doesn't much help that his birthday is 11 December, I've booked the day off work with the intention of dropping flowers at the grave, but not sure what else to do.
I struggle with showing my emotions, always have. I've always been a strong person in general, and at home and work at the moment I'm very much pretending to be strong when I feel broken and close to tears most of the time.
I know I have to let the grief run it's course but any advise or personal experiences on how you got through it? I feel worse now two months later than in the weeks following his death.
My Dad died suddenly at the end of September aged 50, a day after being diagnosed with cancer, I've gone through a barrage of different emotions but with Christmas around the corner I'm really struggling.
My Dad loved Christmas, last year we found a radio station that played nothing but Christmas songs, I don't think he turned it off in December when in the car, he even put it on when he got in my car and wouldn't let me turn it off, the "it's my car, I choose the music" line that he used to give me when I was a child didn't work, it was staying on. I know if he was here we'd be putting the tree up this weekend with Elf on the TV.
The thought of Christmas now makes me feel sick, went to Tesco the other day and had they had all the Christmas stock up and the songs playing and I nearly broke down in the shop, managed to get back to the car thankfully.
It doesn't much help that his birthday is 11 December, I've booked the day off work with the intention of dropping flowers at the grave, but not sure what else to do.
I struggle with showing my emotions, always have. I've always been a strong person in general, and at home and work at the moment I'm very much pretending to be strong when I feel broken and close to tears most of the time.
I know I have to let the grief run it's course but any advise or personal experiences on how you got through it? I feel worse now two months later than in the weeks following his death.
I lost my father two moths ago, no idea how one copes, however I will suggest that you let yourself go and cry or do what ever feels right when you want to.
Holding it inside means it will come out at sometime, talk to anythign, best one I have found is a dog, they seem to understand.
Its tough, but maybe talk with your mother or any family members and share memories.
Its a tough deal, hang in there.
Holding it inside means it will come out at sometime, talk to anythign, best one I have found is a dog, they seem to understand.
Its tough, but maybe talk with your mother or any family members and share memories.
Its a tough deal, hang in there.
Edited by Phud on Thursday 29th November 23:10
There is no time limit on grief it is not simply a case of moving on. I had a very good relationship with my Dad and Father in law and it helped to think only positive happy thoughts about them and that helps. We also refer to them in the present tense it keeps them close to us. Everyone is different everyone grieves in their own way.
Hoofy said:
I have nothing helpful to say. My dad died of cancer in January 2014, we spent Christmas 2013 watching him get weaker and weaker, I struggle to enjoy Christmas. Actually, I don't struggle, I don't bother trying. I couldn't give a s
t if Christmas was stopped.
That's very much what I'm trying to do, but Christmas is so hard to avoid, it's still only November (just) and the shops are full of Christmas stuff and playing Christmas songs. Work is doing a crappy competition for best Christmas decorations (we have 5 sites across the city) which will be decided at the Christmas party, going to go to that, it's an excuse to get drunk and socialise. My Grandma (dad's mum) also still wants to do the big Christmas get together and I can't really say no to that, that wont be an excuse to get drunk though as have to drive to Nottingham and back. t if Christmas was stopped.To be honest tonight I'm feeling worse tonight that I did the day he died, which is what brought on this thread, the only day so far that was worse was the day I cleared his house and handed the keys back (rented). I'm also getting these feeling of denial, like he's going to ring me, or I'll wake up and it's been a bad dream, but then reality kicks in.
johnxjsc1985 said:
There is no time limit on grief it is not simply a case of moving on. I had a very good relationship with my Dad and Father in law and it helped to think only positive happy thoughts about them and that helps. We also refer to them in the present tense it keeps them close to us. Everyone is different everyone grieves in their own way.
ThanksI do have a lot of great memories with Dad, that I hold very dear, we were very close, I used to see him at least once a week, he only lived round the corner so often went after work to watch TV, I miss that.
Feel for you buddy. Lost my mum suddenly on Christmas Eve two years ago. There’s no right or wrong with grief. You just have to let it run it’s course and try not to bottle it up. Talk to people, those that you love, internet randoms, whoever.
Your old man clearly enjoyed Christmas and in time you too will again. It doesn’t get easier, it just becomes different. You’ll heal and learn to celebrate a life instead of mourning a loss.
Sending positive vibes your way.
Your old man clearly enjoyed Christmas and in time you too will again. It doesn’t get easier, it just becomes different. You’ll heal and learn to celebrate a life instead of mourning a loss.
Sending positive vibes your way.
Phud said:
I lost my father two moths ago, no idea how one copes, however I will suggest that you let yourself go and cry or do what ever feels right when you want to.
Holding it inside means it will come out at sometime, talk to anythign, best one I have found is a dog, they seem to understand.
Its tough, but maybe talk with your mother or any family members and share memories.
Its a tough deal, hang in there.
It sure is tough, I don't know if you're feeling the same but for me two months later I'm feeling worse. I have no dog but I do have a cat, he's good company, I think pets can sense when something is wrong, I might be a bit barmy though. Holding it inside means it will come out at sometime, talk to anythign, best one I have found is a dog, they seem to understand.
Its tough, but maybe talk with your mother or any family members and share memories.
Its a tough deal, hang in there.
Edited by Phud on Thursday 29th November 23:10
I find it difficult to talk to my mum, they were separated for a long time, and she has a number of mental health problems, I try and talk to her but it becomes quickly about herself, but she tries, which is the main thing.
B17NNS said:
Feel for you buddy. Lost my mum suddenly on Christmas Eve two years ago. There’s no right or wrong with grief. You just have to let it run it’s course and try not to bottle it up. Talk to people, those that you love, internet randoms, whoever.
Your old man clearly enjoyed Christmas and in time you too will again. It doesn’t get easier, it just becomes different. You’ll heal and learn to celebrate a life instead of mourning a loss.
Sending positive vibes your way.
Thank you. Must have been awful losing her on Christmas Eve. I've heard that a lot, I work with a slightly older crowd, most around my dad's age with only one or two around my age, so sadly most have been through this, so they're a great help, shame about the HR department but that's a different story. I find it easier talking to non family about all this. Your old man clearly enjoyed Christmas and in time you too will again. It doesn’t get easier, it just becomes different. You’ll heal and learn to celebrate a life instead of mourning a loss.
Sending positive vibes your way.
I’m sorry that you lost your Dad so young and so suddenly.
I can’t add much, only to say that you need an outlet for this emotion, if it doesn’t feel right being family or friend then consider some kind of talking therapy. I used to think it was for fruit loops but it’s powerful stuff.
I can’t add much, only to say that you need an outlet for this emotion, if it doesn’t feel right being family or friend then consider some kind of talking therapy. I used to think it was for fruit loops but it’s powerful stuff.
Yes, crappy time all round. However I never once saw her in a hospital bed. Not sick, frail, nor cancer riddled. Marbles fully intact. As such I’ll take my blessings as I find them. I hope when my time comes it’s equally as fast and relatively pain free.
Your dad had fifty years of health and a couple of days of ill health. Some mercies can at the time seem cruel. Our own losses aside though, we can try to be thankful for them.
Your dad had fifty years of health and a couple of days of ill health. Some mercies can at the time seem cruel. Our own losses aside though, we can try to be thankful for them.
I lost my dad and my best friend in 1999 I was aged 27 , He and my my mum had just bought a new home home in West Sussex to retire to , but sadly he died in romford before moving. Maybe fortunately I had to concentrate on my mums move aswell as the funeral this was in December and his birthday was Christmas Day it was very hard and I truly know what you are saying about Christmas, To this day I still get something in my eye on Christmas morning it will never leave me but with each passing year it gets easier, I think it took 10 years for me to accept it and try to move on. I wish you all the best in and will raise a glass on Christmas Day to all those that are not with us.
The anticipation of things like Christmas is far FAR worse than the actual going through with them. They may not be great times, but they will be much better than was expected - you'll realise afterwards 
.
I've been widowed twice in 15 years and lost my Mum 2 years ago - I still speak to all three ladies in the past tense in some regards (in every day life); my second wife and I also had a miscarriage on Christmas Eve 2008. For example: "What would you [my second wife] think to how your cat has turned out nowadays?" (said cat was a vicious git in the old days but is rather chilled nowadays - and is now a good pet cat); my Mum ditto about her old cat (totally different but a good pet cat now, if rather sharp-clawed); "What would you think to me changing job for this new one I hope to get, Mum?" might be another... Reflecting on significant anniversaries, such as birthdays (flowers on a grave is good, take the opportunity to talk with them as well about life and concerns etc) and wedding anniversaries as well as such events as miscarriages can also be important - plus, of course, the anniversaries of losing our loved ones.
Then make a point of taking time out regularly - go for a walk, go somewhere away from life like a quiet spot in the country, or even their grave - and see what thoughts come back when one mulls these things over. You will smile, you will cry and you will get some sanity back from the madness that is grief (for a while then you'll have to do it again and again...).
Works for me, anyway
. But in no way is it all beer and skittles.
.I've been widowed twice in 15 years and lost my Mum 2 years ago - I still speak to all three ladies in the past tense in some regards (in every day life); my second wife and I also had a miscarriage on Christmas Eve 2008. For example: "What would you [my second wife] think to how your cat has turned out nowadays?" (said cat was a vicious git in the old days but is rather chilled nowadays - and is now a good pet cat); my Mum ditto about her old cat (totally different but a good pet cat now, if rather sharp-clawed); "What would you think to me changing job for this new one I hope to get, Mum?" might be another... Reflecting on significant anniversaries, such as birthdays (flowers on a grave is good, take the opportunity to talk with them as well about life and concerns etc) and wedding anniversaries as well as such events as miscarriages can also be important - plus, of course, the anniversaries of losing our loved ones.
Then make a point of taking time out regularly - go for a walk, go somewhere away from life like a quiet spot in the country, or even their grave - and see what thoughts come back when one mulls these things over. You will smile, you will cry and you will get some sanity back from the madness that is grief (for a while then you'll have to do it again and again...).
Works for me, anyway
. But in no way is it all beer and skittles.I reckon that the main thing to remember is that your a Dad loved you and Christmas! Ask yourself what he’d say and want? He’d certainly expect you to grieve a bit for him but he wouldn’t want you to be sad., would he? He’d want you to celebrate and enjoy the festive period just as he did. Dig out the stories ... remember when dad thus or that and actually have a genuine laugh about it. I’m over 10 years older than your dad and that’s exactly what I’d like my kids to do - have a laugh and take the piss, no way do I want my kids upset and moping over me!
I’ve told them I don’t want them wasting time at some cemetery because wherever I am I’m certainly not there! All I ask is they think fondly of me sometimes and enjoy the time they’re given - that’s what we all want for our kids isn’t it?
This is all easily said I know but it’s genuinely meant. If you struggle there is bereavement counselling available.
Listen to what your dad would want for you. Good wishes to all in this scenario.
I’ve told them I don’t want them wasting time at some cemetery because wherever I am I’m certainly not there! All I ask is they think fondly of me sometimes and enjoy the time they’re given - that’s what we all want for our kids isn’t it?
This is all easily said I know but it’s genuinely meant. If you struggle there is bereavement counselling available.
Listen to what your dad would want for you. Good wishes to all in this scenario.
cobra kid said:
May I ask, do you have children yourself? If so, dive in and make it about them. Make them your focus.
ETA - I'm 44. My mum died 20 years ago, my dad 10. It will get much easier over time.
I don't have children, I think when/if I have children I'll do big Christmases and be a great dad, just like my dad, but for now I'm going to try and ignore it.ETA - I'm 44. My mum died 20 years ago, my dad 10. It will get much easier over time.
Edited by cobra kid on Friday 30th November 08:22
I lost my dad on the last weekend of November, 13 years ago this week. Christmas was a very quiet sombre affair. We almost just went through the motions because we didn't know what else to do. The day was a massive roller coaster to be honest. We had some fun reminiscing and we had some very difficult moments too.
I'm very fortunate to have been close to my Dad and we had some great times together, so I can usually fight through the emotion to bring back a good memory which for a long time was my main coping mechanism.
Don't be afraid to seek out counselling, it can really help. Cruse helped my mum through it https://www.cruse.org.uk/
A friend said to me "You might never get over it, but you'll learn to live with it." These turned out to be words that would stay with me and help me more than I thought possible.
Try to focus on the memories and be grateful for the time and relationship you had together, it honestly does help.
If you want to chat about it please feel free to PM me.
I'm very fortunate to have been close to my Dad and we had some great times together, so I can usually fight through the emotion to bring back a good memory which for a long time was my main coping mechanism.
Don't be afraid to seek out counselling, it can really help. Cruse helped my mum through it https://www.cruse.org.uk/
A friend said to me "You might never get over it, but you'll learn to live with it." These turned out to be words that would stay with me and help me more than I thought possible.
Try to focus on the memories and be grateful for the time and relationship you had together, it honestly does help.
If you want to chat about it please feel free to PM me.
My Mum and I were talking about my late Dad in the car this morning, we both had a bit of a tear, my Mum is still angry and distressed at the loss, as I am I but of course in different ways. He's a constant in my mind, I think about him every day. Like someone said above, you never get over it, so don't try to. you just have to live with it.
It's been 35 years and 6 months...road accident.
This Christmas we have to face my wife going under a massive operation due to cancer, she will be in hospital for at least a week and won't recover fully for three months. We don't know what happens then. My children are 14 and 11. This is their first, hard lesson.
Sorry for your loss OP and all the best to you. You are not alone and you have my empathy.
It's been 35 years and 6 months...road accident.
This Christmas we have to face my wife going under a massive operation due to cancer, she will be in hospital for at least a week and won't recover fully for three months. We don't know what happens then. My children are 14 and 11. This is their first, hard lesson.
Sorry for your loss OP and all the best to you. You are not alone and you have my empathy.
Your heavy feeling of loss means he was a great dad to you. We will all go through it at some point, it's better that you have a happy memory than one of a wasteful father who was never there for you or slapped you around. The world has enough of those.
A friend of mine died two years ago this week, fell ill one day and died of a brain hemorrhage that night. Her widower posted this on the 1st anniversary of her death and I think it's quite apt;
I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.
As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.
Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks."
A friend of mine died two years ago this week, fell ill one day and died of a brain hemorrhage that night. Her widower posted this on the 1st anniversary of her death and I think it's quite apt;
I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.
As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.
Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks."
Edited by Fastchas on Friday 30th November 15:02
MrBig said:
I lost my dad on the last weekend of November, 13 years ago this week. Christmas was a very quiet sombre affair. We almost just went through the motions because we didn't know what else to do. The day was a massive roller coaster to be honest. We had some fun reminiscing and we had some very difficult moments too.
I'm very fortunate to have been close to my Dad and we had some great times together, so I can usually fight through the emotion to bring back a good memory which for a long time was my main coping mechanism.
Don't be afraid to seek out counselling, it can really help. Cruse helped my mum through it https://www.cruse.org.uk/
A friend said to me "You might never get over it, but you'll learn to live with it." These turned out to be words that would stay with me and help me more than I thought possible.
Try to focus on the memories and be grateful for the time and relationship you had together, it honestly does help.
If you want to chat about it please feel free to PM me.
Thank you, have heard that line many times, and hoping the living with it will come. I am seeing a councillor via work every other Wednsday, it is very helpful talking to non family, I'm opening up with him a lot more than I thought I would, went in not expecting much, but really glad I did. I'm very fortunate to have been close to my Dad and we had some great times together, so I can usually fight through the emotion to bring back a good memory which for a long time was my main coping mechanism.
Don't be afraid to seek out counselling, it can really help. Cruse helped my mum through it https://www.cruse.org.uk/
A friend said to me "You might never get over it, but you'll learn to live with it." These turned out to be words that would stay with me and help me more than I thought possible.
Try to focus on the memories and be grateful for the time and relationship you had together, it honestly does help.
If you want to chat about it please feel free to PM me.
I have great memories of my Dad, and doing a lot of reminiscing, then some trying to be silent crying. Find it hard to talk to my Mum as my parents separated when I was young and haven't spoken for some time, although she is empathetic and also upset I find it uncomfortable talking about the good times with her, it feels wrong somehow.
ElectricSoup said:
My Mum and I were talking about my late Dad in the car this morning, we both had a bit of a tear, my Mum is still angry and distressed at the loss, as I am I but of course in different ways. He's a constant in my mind, I think about him every day. Like someone said above, you never get over it, so don't try to. you just have to live with it.
It's been 35 years and 6 months...road accident.
This Christmas we have to face my wife going under a massive operation due to cancer, she will be in hospital for at least a week and won't recover fully for three months. We don't know what happens then. My children are 14 and 11. This is their first, hard lesson.
Sorry for your loss OP and all the best to you. You are not alone and you have my empathy.
Thank you, all the best with your wife and I truly hope you can all have as good a Christmas as you can with the circumstances.It's been 35 years and 6 months...road accident.
This Christmas we have to face my wife going under a massive operation due to cancer, she will be in hospital for at least a week and won't recover fully for three months. We don't know what happens then. My children are 14 and 11. This is their first, hard lesson.
Sorry for your loss OP and all the best to you. You are not alone and you have my empathy.
Had a pretty s
tty day at work today, I would have given anything really to ring my Dad, he was a great advice giver, went up to the church, not a fun place normally, but in the dark pouring rain less fun, still left some flowers. There's been some great posts on here, wasn't sure about posting this last night, but glad I did. It's good to get it out, even to strangers on the internet.
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